Feb
24

Year Five At The Oscars

Posted in Academy Awards, Blog, Celebrities, Movies
79th Academy Awards poster

Prior to last year’s Academy Awards I wondered if that would be the final one I’d work. Then I arrived at the Kodak to learn it was a cash bar and Diet Coke had made some commemorative bottles and right then I knew I’d do it again. Since we only served about six bottles of the 50+ cases we had, I saved a few from the trash dumpster and put them on eBay. I expected them to do well- maybe $25-40 for a six pack- but I was flabbergasted when the first few sold for upwards of $150 each. Yes, there are suckers who will pay more than $30 a bottle for soda simply because it has a special label on it. I don’t think the Oscar itself is even worth $150. I complain a lot about idiots but when I can profit from them, I’m all for them and eBay seems to be some sort of idiot bait. I managed to unload several more six-packs before Coke added the Academy Awards bottles to their little rewards program and people were able to acquire them for something like $2 and 20 bottle caps. I’m not expecting another perk like that to be available this year but I do have one case left that I’ll put back up on eBay in the hopes that there will be a few idiots who don’t notice they’re from 2006. I’m sure there will be.

I was over at Hollywood and Highland a few days ago and the red carpet was already laid out covered with plastic. The plastic had a bunch of bubbles in it that popped when you walked on it and I thought they should mix things up this year and leave it on for the ceremony. It would be pretty funny to see these stars talking to Joan Rivers: “Who are you wearing?” “Armani” pop pop pop. Naturally the tourists were salivating at walking on the carpet so I’m surprised the Kodak doesn’t charge people to do so. They already charge something like $15-20 for short tours of the theatre to the fools who don’t realize that for a couple bucks more, they could just see a show there. They could easily score 50 bucks a pop for walking on the carpet.

Being an Academy Awards bartender who hasn’t seen any of the nominated films, naturally I feel that makes me qualified to comment on the nominations:

  • Mark Wahlberg, Supporting Actor: Mark Wahlberg for Best Supporting Actor??? How is that possible? He’s one of the worst actors in Hollywood. I’ll concede that he did a good job in Boogie Nights but that’s because he played the role of a bad porn actor. It wasn’t much of a stretch for him.
  • Alejandro Gonzalez Iñárritu, Director: The guy’s glowing about being the first Hispanic director ever nominated and its significance to minorities. Hate to break it to you Alejandro, but the minority hype train has left the Kodak Theatre. Ever since the Denzel/Halle double whammy (actually, one and a half whammy) minority nominees are all over the place. At this point, the only barrier is the gay Best Actor one and that probably won’t happen anytime soon. In the meantime, host Ellen and the makeup and costume boys should keep GLAAD quiet.
  • Borat, Adapted Screenplay: Uh, wasn’t this movie mostly ad-libbed? That’s a major slam to all the writers in Hollywood. And given the pending lawsuits against the film from embarrassed participants who said they were instructed to make bigoted comments, I don’t see how this nomination will help the movie-makers’ case. And why wasn’t Sascha Baron Cohen nominated for Best Actor? Talk about commitment to a role- the guy lived the character of Borat for about four months and he was awesome at it. Good enough in fact that envoys from Khaz (still can’t spell it) continue to argue that they’re not really like that. The harder they protest, the more it appears they are like that.
  • Eddie Murphy, Supporting Actor: His acting and singing in Dreamgirls have been heavily praised and won him a Golden Globe. I guess enough time has passed to forgive him for “My Girl Wants To Party All The Time.”
  • Mark Wahlberg, Actor: No, seriously- is this a joke? I have an easier time believing it’s Donnie Wahlberg (who only slightly sucked in Saw II).
  • Abigail Breslin, Supporting Actress- She’s 10 years old. I’m sorry, but no little kids should be nominated for acting Oscars. If a kid puts in a great performance it was either great writing, great directing or a fluke (Jodie Foster is the only exception while Tatum O’Neal is the perfect example). Apparently the Academy used to have something like a Cutest Pipsqueak category but did away with it and I think they should bring it back. But come to think of it, if there’s one thing sure to drum up bar business at the Oscars, it’s losing to a fourth grader so I hope she wins.
  • Acting nominations for portrayals based on real people: Every year there’s a bunch of these and it’s so cliché. They never look or sound like the real person yet the actor wins because the subject was a fascinating person. Enough with the queens and fake accents.
  • The only thing more cliché? A nomination for Meryl Streep. She’s a fabulous actress but not every performance of hers is among the very best and the commercials I saw for The Devil Wears Prada make me think this wasn’t one of them. Frankly, I’m surprised the Academy showed some restraint for her performance in the horrendous She-Devil. Closing in on Meryl are Kate Winslet and Cate Blanchett. Winslet’s all right but I don’t know about Blanchett since I’ve never seen her act. Apparently she’s a great actress in films I have no desire to watch. Perhaps if she stars in Revenge of the Nerds V I’ll finally get to see what all the hype is about.

    • I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow but hopefully I’ll get the Second Annual Oscar Barkeep Awards up in the next day or two.

    (Last year’s Academy Awards recaps)

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    3 Responses to “Year Five At The Oscars”

    1. Suzy
      Suzy on February 24th, 2007 11:34 pm wrote:

      Dude, you are seriously behind in your Mark Wahlberg history. He’s one of the best actors in Hollywood and he more than deserves this nom. I liked The Departed, didn’t love it like I loved Babel where Blanchett, with a small part, was riveting. The Queen was fabulous and Mirren deserves the Oscar for it. I agree about kids and Oscars.

      The other thing I agree with you on is the Meryl Streep nom. She was good but did not deserve a nom for that role.

      I’ve also found it helps to see the movie before you trash the performances, but I’m funny that way.

    2. Jenée
      Jenée on February 28th, 2007 3:26 am wrote:

      Wahlberg’s a good actor now? Have all the planets aligned or does Keanu Reeves still suck?

    3. ozman on May 21st, 2007 2:53 pm wrote:

      My buddy Mark stopped getting high with me because he now works at the post office and has to do a piss test every other week. Just last week though, I see him sparking up. I’m like “Dude are you smoking bud again???” and he is all “Yeah! I bought ONE POUND of legal bud at IPHONES4TODAY.COM and I don’t need to worry, this shit doesn’t come up in piss tests and it’s some potent shit!”

      “One pound??? Holy fuck dude you can deal this shit!!” After seeing how good this bud was I decided to go to IPHONES4TODAY.COM myself and bought 8 ounces of Hawaiian Gold Bud. I figured I might as well smoke this and be a local dealer in the neighborhood too.

      Well my plan was an instant success. I can’t believe it but I actually drove the other dealers OUT OF BUSINESS. They just couldn’t compete with my prices and my shit was 100% legal! I was the talk of the town. Even the cops were buying shit off me!

      Anyway don’t take my word for it. Goto IPHONES4TODAY.COM yourself and check it out. This place is too good to be kept a secret. One warning though. If you smoke bud and drive, don’t do that shit with this potent bud. My friend blasted up before going on his mailing route and he ended up crashing the postal truck LOL. They fired his ass and now he is dealing full time with me and making a killing! Oh and he still smokes up the legal bud!

      IPHONES4TODAY.COM

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