Jan
12

Virtual Bullet

Posted in Blog, Fun, Jenée For President, Law

I previously explained my idea for Common Sense Law, which I will implement when I’m president. Today I’d like to share with you a plan that I believe will increase revenue while reducing crime and people’s blood pressure at the same time: The Virtual Bullet.

We all have instances when people aggravate us so much we just want to blow their heads off. For whatever reason we don’t- for most it’s because it’s immoral, for some it’s because it’s illegal and for others it’s because their local Wal-Mart has already closed for the evening. It doesn’t matter what your reason is, the Virtual Bullet will let you stick it to someone guilt-free!

Here’s how it works: On January 1st of each year, every person who paid taxes for the previous year will receive their Virtual Bullet in the form of a red, white and blue toy gun. It will be easily identifiable to ensure it’s not seen and met with actual gunfire, which is crucial for people cruising through South Central Los Angeles or high school corridors.

When a person decides to use his Virtual Bullet, he aims it at the recipient and pulls the trigger. The toy gun will emit a distinct popping sound, which is strictly for the amusement of the shooter and any possible witnesses. At the same time, the gun will take a photo of the “victim.” If the intended happens to be a telephone customer service rep., the shooter can simply shoot the gun toward his phone, making sure the date, time and phone number are visible.

Once the bullet has been expended, the happy taxpayer then submits the gun, a brief form and a $30 processing fee. The small fee is necessary to ensure the submittor is serious about taking down the offender plus the shooter will get a framed copy of the picture they took. On the flip side, anybody who doesn’t use their Virtual Bullet throughout the year will receive a $100 refund on their next year’s taxes (Virtual Bullets can not be carried over to the following year). This incentive will prevent drunk revelers from haphazardly using up their Virtual Bullets on New Year’s Eve.

Naturally, there are some rules and exceptions.

  • The gunfire has to be a result of a personal interaction with the “victim” (this will prevent people from taking potshots at their favorite female president). Thus the camera inside.
  • Due to the volatile nature of certain professions, workers in those fields will be given a two-bullet grace period before receiving penalties. Those professions include: DMV workers, meter maids, public prosecutors, prison staffers, casino dealers, customer service reps and anyone employed by the Osbourne family.
  • One shot, one kill. No repeat shootings from the same individual are allowed in subsequent years. This rule is necessary primarily because of the rising divorce rate.
  • The Virtual Bullet becomes null and void if a person pumps an actual bullet into someone.

    • On to the punishments. It doesn’t matter what sort of infraction occurred, if someone pisses off another person to such an extent that the offended waives a refund and opts to pay a fee, the bullet recipient’s paying the price.

    Punishments for bullets received over a three year period:

  • First bullet (”It’s only a flesh wound”): Person pays a $50 fine.
  • 2-4 bullets (”It’s an Iraqi Freedom Soldier”): Person pays a $50 fine and performs 10 hours of community service. These penalties double with each infraction.
  • 5-9 bullets (”It’s Fiddy Cents”): Person must wear the lime green “I’m an asshole” armband in public for six months for each bullet over four (yeah, I’m big on public humiliation). He or she must also attend relevant decency courses such as “Guides for Following the Golden Rule,” and “Learning Why Your Power Trip Infuriates Your Subordinates” and “How to Keep Your Dick out of Another Woman’s Vagina.”
  • 10+ bullets (”It’s freakin’ Jason”): Person will spend one month for each bullet received at a work/reform camp. The campers’ schedule will alternate between receiving guidance from Buddhist monks toward finding inner peace and receiving intense beratement from experienced aggravators (like Courtney Love and mothers-in-law) to break them down completely. The various camps will be taped at all times and the footage will be packaged as reality programs for the new 24 hour “Dead Man Walking” channel.

    • Sure there are a few kinks that need to be worked out, but I believe there are countless benefits to the Virtual Bullet. The biggest being that people could no longer treat others like crap and repeatedly get away with it scot free. Finally, they would be held accountable and THEIR victims would get a little satisfaction.

    Don’t forget:
    Vote “yes” on the Virtual Bullet
    Vote “yes” on Common Sense Law

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    14 Responses to “Virtual Bullet”

    1. Grim Reaper on January 12th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Hell. Im not even American and I vote “Yes”. I still think a physical one use taser would be of better use though…it really zaps the message through to them that “I just plain dont like you”. Of course for phone operators some kind of code such as *18# could be used to send an instantaneious zap into the phone operators ear that just doesnt understand that you dont WANT a new pre-paid mobile plan nor do you wish to subscribe to Jehovah Weekly for Six months…despite the fact you get the snazzy black ensumble and twisted beliefs…

    2. Glen on January 12th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      That’s pretty damn funny. I think I might need a fully automatic though in some situations. What kind of gun would be standard issue?

    3. BondBloke on January 13th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Wonderful idea - can I buy extra bullets I can make sure that Tony Blair gets lots and consequently get him out of our hair?

    4. Gyrobo on January 13th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Tony Blair doesn’t, and never has, existed. It was all a mind game.

      And you fell for it.

      –==/ So sayeth the robot. ==–

    5. Dreadnaught on January 14th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Seems like a sensible idea. But these days how far does something that makes sense go? If the lefties can’t claim it for their own[Intra-net] then it must be racist,insensitive or ecologically disasterous.
      Does that *18# thing really work? I have always wanted a way to really express how pissed off their call makes me. I had an idiot last night tell me that I was approved for a loan under 10%. All I needed to do was give him my routing number and he would deposit the money in my account. Can I also use my real[oop's, I mean virtual......really..... I do] bullet on people like him?
      So sayeth the M1A1 Abrams

    6. Devrie on January 15th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      The “I’m an asshole” arm band is AWESOME. It would surely save us a lot of pain when walking into the employer’s office for a job interview and seeing him/her wearing one.

    7. KenInfinite on January 15th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Your plan reminds me of a different tack taken by Genghis Khan. He gave an honor to a very select few who had done impressive deeds. Kind of like an equivalent to the Congressional Medal of Honor. These Paladins (no relation to the old TV series) were forgiven, in advance, seven capital crimes. They also got a neat golden necklace and chain to wear; to let everyone else know who they were. While there was a limit to to this power others didn’t necessarily know how many capital crimes a particular paladin might have left. . . . You didn’t want to be the one to get him PO’d.

    8. zeorin on January 16th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Cool idea. I realise that this is just an idea for fun (at least I hope so), but you do realise that you can ruin people’s lives this way.

      Imagine a guy who is dirt poor, has five kids and a wife that cheats on him and is a drunk, but he doesn’t divorce her because he needs the money to support the kids. Because his life is shit he’s always in a bad mood, and he get’s more than ten bullets. He won’t be able to support his kids, and his life is now worse than before. Nothing has been solved, things are just worse than before.

      Sorry if that sounds depressing, but I’m kinda down. Don’t take it seriously, I’m just nitpicking.

    9. Jen on January 16th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      I’m being a bit facetious in my suggestion, but it could still be an effective solution to some of society’s problems.

      As for your scenario about the guy getting 10 bullets, that’s the kind of person this program is specifically designed for. Just because his life is shit is no reason for him to make other people’s lives shit.

      Also keep in mind this plan will be implemented in America, where a person is “dirt poor” by choice. Even a fast food employee earns enough to give the kids a roof over the heads, food on the table and premium cable (unless they choose to live in NY or LA, in which case they’ll be lucky to just have a roof over their heads).

      Finally, you said after the guy’s incarceration for the 10 bullets he’ll be angrier than before and nothing will be solved. Actually, I believe the rehabilitation he will receive at the camp will drastically improve the quality of life for him and his kids in the long run. If it doesn’t and the drunk wife is not capable of supporting the kids, there’s always Child Protective Services to look into the matter.

      I know you said not to take your ideas too seriously but I actually think it highlights why the Virtual Bullet could be so successful.

    10. readthis on January 16th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      I had an idea like that. Only ppl used nerf guns that had flags attached to the bullets that said im an idiot. The flag wouldnt come off for 24 hours so ppl would have to live with their shame. So when ever someone really made you angary you could shoot them and feel much better.

    11. anonymous on January 19th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      This all sounds too complicated. I say the government just issues you that lime green “I’m an asshole” armbands, and you get to make one person wear it all year.

      To make the program progressive instead of regressive, the less money you make, the more armbands you get.

      Rich people can just have people they don’t like killed, fired, or otherwise messed with. They don’t need assistance getting rid of the assholes in their lives.

      Us poor people do.

      I’d say 10 armbands in my income bracket ($30-$50K per year) would be good.

      Oh, and I want a special one that says “I’m a big fat stupid asshole” for my Baptist preacher brother-in-law.

      Thanks.

    12. Jenée
      Anonymous on January 19th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Hmmm….will that apply to you too?
      Will you, after recieving 10 “bullets” stop making my life shit?

      I’m really mocking your idea, since it is disfunctional.
      You can’t prevent the ugly face of revenge from turning up. Also, consider how many would be likely to work as teachers/preasts/policeofficers/politicians where a lot of time goes on directing people.

      And of course, pray for your next neighbour not being a grumpy old woman/man…

    13. Jenée on January 20th, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      Everybody makes a mistake, which is why the punishment doesn’t start with the lime green armband. Those armbands need to really stand out, which they wouldn’t if each person was given ten. Having only one Virtual Bullet forces you to really consider how severe the situation is. I might consider making the processing fees vary by income, but I’m counting on the rich folks to use theirs and bring in some revenue. Rest assured, they’ll probably be using them on other rich folks.

      Sure I would be subject to receiving Virtual Bullets. I can be difficult sometimes but I don’t recall the last time (if ever) I’ve enraged someone to the point they’d use up their only Virtual Bullet on me, so the policy wouldn’t scare me. Teachers wouldn’t be at much risk since most kids don’t pay taxes. As far as “preasts/policeofficers/politicians” I don’t think there would be any reduction in the number of people pursuing those professions just a change in their dispositions.

    14. krusty the baker on January 23rd, 2006 12:00 am wrote:

      I’m not American either, and I think it’s a cracker of an idea. Believe me folks, Tony Blair is real, a living nightmare. I don’t want to virtual bullet him, I want to virtual strafe him. This is where the ritualised public humiliation would appeal (heh, heh, heh). Stocks, pillories, rotting fruit and veg, tar and feathers, you catch my drift…

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