Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

From Film To Television

With Oscar madness over, my site not functioning and winter finally making an appearance in So Cal, I spent the last few days catching up on a couple weeks’ worth of tv. Yes, I watch some bad reality shows but I’ve got my remote skills honed to the point I can plow through most of them without ever having to hear the host’s voice. Some thoughts and questions about what’s happening on the small screen:

American Idol- Is Kelamari Pickler for real?? Seriously. I strongly suspect she’s a character from a new FOX sitcom and American Idol is merely a platform to promote it. Nobody is that much of a caricature of the stereotypical backwards hick. The only detail they skipped is the missing teeth. I have to agree with Simon that she is very likeable… in 30 second clips. But if I had to spend any more than a few minutes with her, I’d be shoving scones, falafel and other food items she’s never heard of down her throat just to shut her up. My early predictions: Bucky, Kevin and the scratchy-voiced girl will be the next three to go. The sexy bald guy is my favorite performer but the wife and stepkids will make him seem like too much of an adult to the teenyboppers who actually call and vote so he’ll probably only make it halfway. Ace, Lisa and Kelli will make final four. In the end, I think the fans will pick Kelly Clarkson Version 2: Katharine. But what do I know? And for the love of God, why do I care???

24- I’m still about three hours behind on 24 but if the show is staying true to past years’ form, I’m sure I can guess what’s happening: Tony Almeida has probably already recovered from the morning’s blast and is back at CTU with just a Snoopy bandage as proof of the explosion that killed his wife and nearly killed him. Jack’s daughter Kim has returned only to fall prey to some creepy guy while wearing a tank top with no bra. Jack has uttered the phrase, “I’m the only person who can do this!” for the hundredth time and Chloe has scrunched her face for the millionth time. To celebrate the occasion, all CTU phones rang in unison: dee dee…duh nah. Am I right? Shhh. Don’t tell me. There’s been a burning question in my head for the last five seasons that I must ask: What is “division” and if it’s so important that it has to send people in and handle the big decisions, why doesn’t it run the whole show?

The Bachelor- I’m particularly embarrassed to admit I watch this garbage but what can I say? I’m a sucker for fake romance. Plus it only lasts about 6 episodes so the dirty feeling passes quickly. Naturally the hunky doctor chose the prissy kindergarten teacher. Did he really think he would ever find passion with a woman who pulls out that stupid thumb dance every chance she gets? Then again, his alternative seemed like a cool chick early on but got a little too Fatal Attractionish toward the end. I believe a whole hour passed between the disclosure of the winner and the announcement of the breakup so he’s back on the market. He needs to find a woman like, well, me. If anybody knows him, please send him my way.

CSI- Nick Stokes is having serious hair issues this year. First there was the bushy moustache, now there’s the long feathered combover. I’m beginning to wonder if he supplements his CSI income by acting in retro-style pornos. Perhaps Catherine does too, thus the need for the plumped-up lips. As much as I like her character, nobody whose job involves crawling around gathering minute pieces of evidence wears pants that tight. But I suppose if I looked that good in tight pants at her age (or even my own age, for that matter) I’d forgo comfort as well.

The Apprentice- The team rewards started going downhill last season when one involved spending the day with original Apprentice winner Bill Rancic on one of Trump’s construction sites. I’m sure some of the candidates were wondering if they’d lost the task and if that was a punishment. This season, the first reward was lunch with Trump then last week they won the opportunity to outfit men entering the workplace with suits. Hey, I think it’s great when the reward involves charity work but when introduction of said service includes the phrase, “The Trump signature suit collection,” it loses a bit of the altruistic factor. If philanthropy was really as important to Trump as he professes, perhaps instead of starting the season by pointing to his private jet and saying, “Someday, you could own one of these,” he could point to a free clinic he’s building and say, “Someday, you could give away one of these.”

Lost- Always awesome but where does everybody keep disappearing to? There was the guy in the hatch who said he was getting out of there and took off running- and nobody asked where he was going. The French woman and the Others come and go and Michael hasn’t been heard from in ages. Maybe they’ve all taken refuge on the other side of the island with the crew filming the next Survivor. They can take the boring characters but they better leave my favorites, Locke and Sawyer, alone. If I could have Sawyer call me “freckles” just once in that charming way of his, it would make my tormented, freckle-faced youth all worthwhile.

Survivor- There’s a reason the show’s ratings have dropped drastically this season: awful, awful casting. We’re already five episodes in and I don’t know a single person’s name. And I don’t care. So far I’ve seen nobody to really like and nobody to really hate. Not only do they have bland personalities they seem stupider than usual. First there was the girl who returned from Exile Island and gave everybody the impression she’d found the immunity idol. She was practically begging the others to call her bluff. They did- first chance they got- and she was history. Next there were the two guys who drank the wine the tribe had won. Have they never watched previous Survivor installments? Selfish consumption= immediate boot. And so it was for one of the winos. Now there’s the guy in the majority alliance asking to be set free of his obligation. That strategy is even dumber than being in the minority alliance and actually sticking to his obligation. Where are the liars and sneaks? Those are the one I love to see on Survivor.

The Amazing Race- Where Survivor failed in casting, TAR outdid itself. I usually like TAR as much or more for the locations than the competitors but they brought in some fun personalities this season. My early favorites are the hippies and the nerds but I enjoy almost everybody. I like the guy from team MoJo only because he said to his misty-eyed girlfriend, “You’re not gonna cry are you?” when they missed out on some plane tickets. His comment was totally insensitive but her tears were hypersensitive. Good for him for calling her on it. I even like the dumb jocks because they cop to some of their lame attributes; I appreciate that sort of self-awareness. Plus it’s going to be fun watching their inevitable demise as they trip all over themselves trying to hook up with the pink girls. The pink girls, by the way, are an embarrassment to their Girls Gone Wild sisters everywhere. There’s no reason they shouldn’t have been able to find 20 guys to put their motorcycle together for them on the first episode. Every season needs a villain and the obvious early contender for that role is the overaggressive doctor. When you see guys like him, you kind of understand why some kids shoot their parents. He’s the “I’m right” guy and the “I told you so” guy and the “Blame everybody but myself” guy all rolled into one. He’s going to aggravate the hell out of me but characters like that make reality shows fun so I hope he sticks around awhile.

Mid-Season replacements- I watched the first episodes of the heavily-hyped, Sons and Daughters and Free Ride. Given the poor ratings of Arrested Development, I’m curious why two networks chose to make vastly inferior reproductions. Free Ride showed slight potential but Sons and Daughters was awkward and unfunny. It’s just bad enough to end up as a top 10 hit. Meanwhile, I have yet to watch what could be the last two episodes ever of Arrested Development. The sadomasochist in me is holding off until I hear the show’s fate.

Now that I’ve finally caught up on the crap, I have the long-awaited Sopranos to look forward to, though, it really won’t be the same without Drea de Matteo’s character. Maybe they can play her death off as a bad dream, which is surely how she views her stint on Joey.