Despite my background in tv news, I only watch it about four times a year because it’s all such garbage. Yesterday was one of those days in which I had to rediscover what channel each news station is on and it took me about 45 minutes of listening to ridiculous reporting before I glanced at the tv and realized I’d landed on Fox. I was about to change the channel when it occurred to me that the ridiculousness of their coverage was providing a nice distraction from the horror of yesterday’s tragedy so I kept it where it was. I call it “yesterday’s tragedy” because I haven’t yet decided whether to commit to Fox’s “Campus Massacre,” MSNBC’s “Massacre at Virginia Tech,” CNN’s “Campus Killings” or E!’s “Where Did Hui Go Huang?”

First I’d like to introduce some of the players that were out of Fox’s jurisdiction:

George Bush- I’d like to see his blood work to verify that he’s human. There’s something very unsettling about a guy who talks about how sad he is in such a robotic voice. I think that’s why Clinton was so popular: he had that crackly voice that sounded like he was on the verge of either laughter or tears so he always seemed emotionally involved.

The police spokesperson- Someone asked him about the various crime scenes and he said something like, “I don’t see different crime scenes just one horrible tragedy.” You can be sure if he’s the one heading up the investigation, it will be thorough. Also, he said they didn’t lock down the entire campus after the first two killings because they thought the situation was contained. I don’t know who could possibly think having an armed killer on the loose means they’ve got the situation “contained.” If Jack Bauer had been on the case, he would have ordered CTU’s B-team to “Secure the perimeter- nobody gets in or out unless I say so!” I don’t even know what that means, but I know it saves lives.

The doctors from the hospital- There was a man at the microphone with a woman off to the side and the woman repeatedly interrupted the doctor, often making stupid comments. The poor newspaper reporters probably couldn’t get a single usable quote.

The criminal profiler- He said, “We’re learning more and more about this guy every day.” This was said 24 hours after the shootings.

The school official who wrote the first email sent to students warning them of the danger on campus- He/she made grammatical errors in the email. Maybe it seems silly to nitpick that but they are an institute of higher learning and they did take TWO FUCKING HOURS to write it. It’s enough to drive an English major mad.

Now just some of the many fine players at Fox:

Geraldo Rivera- The anchor asked Geraldo yesterday if George Bush would be visiting the site soon. Geraldo had no information from the White House but of course that didn’t stop Geraldo from giving a long answer about when he thought Bush would visit. That’s because Fox likes to apply the “Your guess is as good as mine- here’s mine” style of reporting. Then Geraldo went way out on a limb and claimed that with all the tragedies Bush has had to deal with, “He’s aged 10 years during his administration.” Either Geraldo is unaware that Bush has been in office for over six years or he thinks there’s a big difference in appearance between six and 10 years.

Stupid random male anchor-He interviewed a couple students who thought the school handled the situation well. He then informed them that many students were dissatisfied with the promptness of the notification but they thought it was fine. So he continued to press the issue. It was like some bad cop film where he was going to push and push until he got the answer he wanted.

Greta Van Susteren- What the hell happened to her face? I seem to recall hearing about her publicly going through plastic surgery but now she’s all crooked and droopy. Add that to the fact that her voice has always been annoying and I’m not quite sure why she hasn’t been forced into print journalism.

Stupid random female anchor #1- She commented on the students being so composed yesterday and asked an expert about this and he said they were probably all stunned. A few minutes later she asked another person why the students were so composed. He said because they were probably all in shock. Then a little while later she asked another person the same question. I was kind of hoping he’d say, “They’re stunned- like your brain. Is that really the only question you have about this shooting that left 32 victims dead??!!”

Stupid random female anchor #2- She read Hui’s note regarding the “debockery” of the other students. She’s an anchor- she should know that word and how it’s pronounced.

So now my quarterly tv vigil is drawing to a close and the magnitude of what transpired will finally start to sink in. But I’d like to thank Fox for once again being what everybody needs during times of sadness: a big joke.