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Thou Shall Not Lie (If You’re Bad At It)

I had lunch with Dad yesterday and he mentioned he had to pick Mom up from the hospital later in the afternoon.

“Mom’s in the hospital?” I asked.

He answered, “Oh, thought I told everybody. She’s been in since we got back from our trip.”

Nice to know how easily I’m forgotten in the information loop. It reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry’s mom died and nobody notified him because they didn’t want to ruin his trip to New York. Then they told him how great the funeral was! Hilarious. Whether Dad not telling me was accidental or intentional, I really can’t blame him. The last time Mom was in the hospital I didn’t know about it for several days because I never checked my phone messages (I hate the phone that much).

Anyway, when the folks left China, Mom was sick but didn’t tell the authorities because she and Dad didn’t want to get stuck over there. As soon as they returned, she went to the doctor, barely said the word “China” then was wrapped in a face mask and sent to another hospital to test for Bird Flu (”They haven’t heard a peep from her,” was Dad’s contribution). Looks like she’s fine.

I was shocked by my parents’ dishonesty. They are the most honest people I’ve ever encountered- honest to a fault. They’re the type who would turn me in if they knew I’d done something wrong. Maybe these weren’t the best circumstances for them to begin a life of deceit, but I was sort of proud of them. Frankly, I think lying has gotten too bad of a rap. Not that I condone lying, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s inherently bad the way religions have made it out to be. There are times when DIShonesty is the best policy. Like when a little child can’t sleep because she’s afraid somebody will break into the house and kill her. Do you tell her, “Well, it’s a possibility and it does seem to happen quite a bit, but it hasn’t happened in this neighborhood yet, so you’re probably safe?” No, you tell her it could never ever happen so that she can have some peace of mind. Let’s face it, if she ever finds out you lied, she probably won’t be able to call you on it.

Right now my sister is utilizing the most effective lie ever created to incite good behavior in other human beings: the ‘ol “Santa doesn’t bring gifts to kids who act up” lie. Pure genius! For a few glorious weeks, kids around the world do their homework and chores, they don’t try to kill their siblings and they don’t backtalk their parents. All out of the fear they won’t get Christmas presents. Life in the month of December is the closest we’ll ever get to Utopia. Don’t tell me that particular fib’s a bad thing.

But I wonder how Christians rationalize the whole Santa lie. I know they do because the lines to sit on Santa’s lap are way too long to all be atheists. As far as I know, there aren’t any clauses in the Ten Commandments to allow for little white lies. Perhaps it’s because there wasn’t enough room on the tablet to explain special circumstances or maybe it’s because its dictates were set in stone (hey, is that where that expression comes from)? I just don’t understand how people can subscribe to a particular religion with its plethora of rules when they can’t even abide by the top ten list. It’s the reason I want to smack people who list “honesty” as one of the most important traits in themselves and in others. They’re so full of shit.

I’ve told my share of lies over the years- mostly to the CHP- sometimes to protect others and sometimes to save my own ass. But I think my track record’s been pretty good as far as dishonesty not adversely affecting anybody else. I don’t need to follow the Ten Commandments when the Golden Rule sums it all up without all those unreasonable specifics.

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