Jan

The MySpace Between Their Ears

It’s been a while since I’ve railed on MySpace and the mockery is long overdue:

I’ll start with an unusual friend request I received a few days ago; It was from my mom. As if seeing my mom’s mug on MySpace wasn’t disturbing enough, she lists her marital status as “single.” Hey, I know I’m bad about returning phone calls but there are better ways for parents to inform their kid about a divorce. They seemed so happy at our birthday celebration last week (sniff). I’m curious how she even found my MySpace page and I’m a bit concerned that she found it through this blog. I’ve always known there was a possibility my parents read my blog but I have to operate under a shroud of denial for the sake of keeping it real. Otherwise, I’d have to start using terms like “frickin’” and “gosh darn” while I discuss gum drop forests. There really need to be parental controls for parents. I’d hate for my sweet, wholesome parents to think they failed at raising me- I take full responsibility for the foul-mouthed, bionic monster I’ve become. So please, Mom and Dad, just look away.

What I’m still trying to understand about MySpace is if it merely attracts idiots or if it’s actually a breeding ground for them. The first pieces of evidence I submit for consideration are the unsuccessful attempts at disguising one’s age. Most of the people I know on MySpace are comics and we all know that people in the entertainment industry don’t tell their real age (except me, I turned 26 last week). So they insert some random age and then halfway down the page they list the schools they attended and the majority of the time it’s obvious they’ve listed their actual graduation year. Here’s a tip: if you’re going to admit you graduated high school in 1995, you might as well admit that you’re 30.

Idiots are bad enough but idiots with no sense of humor are the worst and MySpace has more than its share, the worst offenders being single, white women, usually over 30. Some of you may remember that I made a Bea Arthur MySpace page as a goof for a friend. It’s totally outdated and some of the humor attempts no longer make sense but I’m too lazy to update it. I tend to forget about it for months at a time then I’ll check in and accept friend requests and read through the mail, of which there’s plenty. The blacks dig it, the gays worship it but the single white chicks are outraged. You wouldn’t believe the hate mail I get from some of them for tarnishing Bea’s delicate image. Actually, they don’t all send hate mail. Some of them write letters (one does so on a regular basis) that indicate they really think that’s Bea Arthur’s page. How can people be so easily offended and/or so utterly gullible????

I witnessed further evidence of white chicks’ lack of sense of humor from comments on my video page. It contains the horse joke that’s on my MySpace page and I forgot that it can be found through a video search. A bunch of females blasted me for it and sure enough, visits to their pages all turned up lots of pictures with them and their horsies. Funny or not, at least my bit wasn’t meant to be taken seriously whereas their knee jerk responses were. I think they all need to spend a little less time with barn animals and a little more time interacting with humans. And they need to lighten up.

My final piece of evidence (for now) about the idiocy of MySpace users is the video below. Please watch it and form your own opinion about the matter.

Child Bankrupts Make-A-Wish Foundation

Now go read some of the comments left for it before continuing with this post (UPDATE: I noticed that MySpace adds new comments to the top so what you read may not be typical of the comments I read).

Done? Now, hopefully by the point he mentioned a Tomcat had to be decommissioned from Afghanistan you realized that this is a joke (courtesy of The Onion). If you didn’t realize it’s a joke, you need to hightail it out of here with my parents. If you realized it’s a joke and didn’t think it was funny you should just die. The woman’s deadpan line, “We can only hope that’s coming soon” is priceless. But as you can see from the comments there are plenty of people who thought this was real, which means not only were these kids incapable of picking up on any of the MANY signs this is a joke, but they couldn’t even be bothered to read through a couple of comments to get a heads up from the people who did realize it’s a joke before sending their own nasty opinions about the kid (many of which don’t sound like they’re joking). The comedy world survived Jerry Lewis, Gallagher and Carrot Top but I think MySpace is more than it can handle.

So why do I still have a MySpace page if I despise it so much? Because it’s the only way my idiot friends know how to get in touch with me. If you can’t beat ‘em, add ‘em to MySpace.

« Bad Womb Eyes

Heath Gone »

Email This Post