This morning I had my annual Pap smear. Yes, morning, as in 8:30 am. That’s because I just love to heap misery upon misery. Actually I always schedule my appointments for that time thinking that having the first appointment of the day will mean I won’t have to wait around but somehow doctors always find a reason to make you wait.

For the last six or seven years I’ve had my Paps done by a doctor I suspect is a lesbian. Probably my main reason for thinking that is her lack of lipstick and nail polish so my assessment may not be correct but I don’t mind if she is because I figure who’s going to know vaginas better than a lesbian? Certainly not a man.

Well, apparently my usual doc was out today so who came in? A man. I think male gynecologists are just plain creepy. Sorry, but there are a ton of medical fields and all the reasons I can come up with for a man becoming a gynecologist make him seem suspect. To make matters worse, this guy was HOT. L.A. is supposed to be the land of beautiful people and it is as far as women go but there seems to be a dearth of handsome men. So sitting in the presence of one had me blushing to the point I had to cover my face with my hand to hide my constant smirk. As he spoke, I kept hoping he was just a nurse giving me the run-down but soon it was clear he would be the one performing the exam. I remembered the Seinfeld episode in which there was a hot male gynecologist and women were making appointments every week to see him but I was having none of that. I just couldn’t risk the possibility of blurting out mid-exam, “Oh yeah. Right there. Right there!” so I had to tell him I wasn’t comfortable with him doing it. I didn’t mention the creepy aspect but I did tell him his attractiveness was an issue and suggested in the future he should enter the room swishing and speaking with a lisp. Complimenting the patient’s shoes would be a good touch as well.

As he exited, I thought for a split second about asking him out then realized if I wasn’t comfortable being the patient of a guy who spends all day with his head between random women’s legs, I certainly wouldn’t be comfortable being the girlfriend of one.

A little while later a female resident and nurse entered and mentioned that the doctor had told them I preferred a female doing the exam. I felt lame that a big deal was being made of it and told them it would just be weird because he’s a real-life McDreamy. They didn’t even feign professionalism; instead both joined me in gushing over his good looks. I’m telling you, this guy was hot.

As I sat on the end of the table the resident opened a drawer of speculums then closed it and pulled one from the lower drawer. I noticed that the first one was labeled “medium” and the second was labeled “large.” I wasn’t too pleased with someone eyeballing me and deciding I must be sporting a big canyon down there and felt a bit of vindication a few minutes later when it was deemed too big and she had to return to the medium. I was under no illusion that I might qualify for small because if I did then someone like Nicole Richie must be having her Paps done with a straw.

Just as the doctor finished and I started to sit up, I heard the nurse say, “Oops.” “Oops” is not a word I like to hear. Sure enough she had dropped the swab on the ground. I don’t know how- maybe she was twirling it like a baton and it slipped- but I knew that it meant I’d have to lie back down and go through the whole procedure again. That’s pretty typical for me- I never get the do-overs for fun activities, just for things like a Pap smear.

Fortunately that’s all done for another year (assuming I don’t get a letter in the mail starting with, “Oops…”) but I have some suggestions for both doctors and patients:

Suggestions for doctors to make Pap smears less miserable:

– Get rid of the florescent lighting. Frankly, I think florescent lighting should be removed from all locations except bikini and fashion models’ dressing rooms. Those girls need a healthy dose of negative body issues, the rest of us already have plenty. Everything the doctor needs to see is on the inside so what’s the harm in track lighting or a soft lamp?
– Offer patients a glass of wine beforehand to soothe the nerves: “Here’s a urine cup and a glass of cabernet. Try not to get them confused if you’re on your period.”
– Crank up the heat a bit to avoid the inevitable embarrassment when the breast exam is performed.

Suggestions for patients to make Pap smears less miserable:

– Wear a sarong and no underwear so you can skip the paper skirt.
– Wear a button down sweater and front clasping bra so you don’t have to wear the paper shirt.
– If you follow the first two, then when the doctor says, “Get undressed and I’ll be right back,” she can’t pull a disappearing act for half an hour while she has sex in exam 2 with McDreamy. Tell her you’re ready to go. Block the door if necessary.
– Bring an Ipod/video phone to prevent the doctor from engaging in small talk and to block out any other unwanted sounds that glob of gel might create.