Every so often I discuss one of the crappy shows I watch (namely American Idol and The Bachelor) and I start out with a disclaimer of sorts. I feel I have to in case somebody missed a previous disclaimer and thinks, “She watches that garbage and thinks she can talk about other idiots?” It therefore seems important to acknowledge that I know these shows are crap but on some level they entertain me. So allow me right now to explain my interest in The Bachelor.
I don’t watch it because I give a damn about two people falling in love. I watch it because I get a sick kick out of seeing four or five people fall in love- all with the same person (and often, they’re halfway to love before they’ve even met him).
The whole show is a testament to how phony people are. They plop a dozen or so women who all instantly have the hots for the same guy into one house. Then the ladies pretend to be happy when someone else receives an individual date box while they get stuck on a group date. After the dates they ask the girl if she smooched with the guy because nothing helps you get a good night’s sleep like hearing about another woman swapping spit with the man you think you love. I suspect the producers don’t allow knives in the house.
The early seasons of the show featured fairly regular guys who seemed like good catches. Then they started bringing in the fantasy types: the heir to the Firestone tire fortune, a professional football player, an actor and now a prince. Yes, a real live prince. His name is Prince Lorenzo Borghese. Some pope in his family tree bestowed the clan with titles (good to know the Vatican’s history of solid family values is steeped in nepotism). Despite his Italian heritage, he was raised in America and managed to avoid the freakish looks that many intermarried royal family members often suffer from.
The fact that he’s a prince has brought a new facet to this season. It used to be that the women rattled on about what a great guy the bachelor was. This time, we’ve witnessed the girls gush about him being a prince and what it would be like for them to be a princess. What do they think it would be like? That they would oversee huge balls sitting on a velvet throne wearing a crown and bustle skirt? I imagine that being the princess for a non-existant monarchy is exactly like not being a princess- except with the word “princess” in front of your name. Princess Jenée. There, that’s the whole experience. This bunch doesn’t seem to realize the fact that he’s a prince isn’t what makes him special, it’s the fact that he’s loaded and hot that does. Let’s get our priorities in order.
While the stature of the bachelor has increased over the years, the quality of the women has waned a bit. They used to bring in a nice variety of women with good personalities and legit careers like lawyers or doctors. Now they bring in mostly cookie-cutter types whose vague career titles like “teacher” or “sales representative” often mean “actress.” Not that a lawyer is any better than an actress just that the actresses all seem so generic.
A little sampling of this season’s offerings:
The Token Black Chick-- Every season has one. She never lasts long but she always makes the first cut, presumably because the guy doesn’t want to seem racist. When are we going to get a black bachelor with mostly black women vying for his attention? Twelve black women living together and competing for one man would be sheer entertainment.
The Crazy Blonde Chick- Her Austin Powers-like “Hey baby” was a little weird
but otherwise she was my favorite. Unfortunately, she had a fun personality and a tolerable voice tone so I knew she wouldn’t go to the end (and of course she was booted last week). The women who last long always speak in the Trista-patented baby voice- at least in the presence of the bachelor. Away from him they sound like they’re one pack away from an iron lung. The fact that grown women speaking like little girls is apparently appealing to men is yet another indication that I do not understand men at all.
The Socialite- Like Kellie Pickler on American Idol, I have a tough time believing this chick is for real. She is such a self-centered, conceited snob that she makes Paris Hilton seem like America’s sweetheart. On the evening she met Lorenzo, she declared, “I even flew coach to come here and I’ve never done that before.” Then the first day in the house she complained to the host because she had to share a room and because the gorgeous residence didn’t have a (gasp!) maid. I should clarify: she wasn’t simply complaining, she was looking to have the situation rectified. She wore a tiara(!) on her dates, used terms like “commoners” to refer to the other girls and said that she’s the only one qualified to be with someone of his stature. No giggle or wink afterward- she was dead serious. Despite making this lovely side of herself abundantly clear to the bachelor (and the fact that she was probably the least attractive of the bunch), he still kept her around for several cuts. Correction: the producers kept her around for several cuts. And beyond. For some bizarre reason, they had her return to the show the next episode to decide who should get a solo date. Then they brought her back the following episode to give her opinions on the final three. It’s rather amusing to witness how a show as trashy as this manages to stoop even lower.
The Under The Radar Girl- The most distinguishing trait to this girl is her nutjob father.
On their hometown date, her father took Lorenzo aside, cocked his rifle and said, “This is what I’d do to any guy who laid a hand on my daughter.” When you have a father like that, perhaps it’s best to postpone the family meeting until after the guy has experienced your world-class blow job capabilities. You know, secure your position with him first. Besides the girl’s father, I couldn’t tell you anything else interesting about her. That means she’ll probably be the chosen one.
The “I’m saving myself for marriage” girl- Speaking of hummers… this is the second time we’ve observed this rare specimen. On both occasions, the virgins felt obligated to share this fact with the bachelors early. Ironically, the disclosure sounded much like the way someone would reveal having an STD. And both times the girls gushed over their assumption that the bachelors didn’t seem to mind, oblivious to the fact that, unlike them, the bachelors knew when to keep their mouths shut. I can’t believe this girl still exists and I really don’t understand why she does. Fifty years ago when birth control was a crap shoot it made sense to wait for marriage. Now it just seems silly to tell a guy he can stick his shlong in one orifice but not another without a marriage license. If there’s one thing we could ever learn from Jessica Simpson it’s that saving yourself for marriage doesn’t guarantee longevity (and once you’ve given it up and the marriage dissolves, does that mean you can start whoring yourself around like a proper woman)?
The “I didn’t come here to make friends” girl- Every season has her too.
She’s usually the first one the bachelor shows any interest in, often through the “first impression rose.” Naturally, the other girls all hate her immediately. Without fail, by the fourth episode she utters her namesake line. Once she does, her days are numbered. The bachelor always try to reassure her that he doesn’t care what the other women think of her but inside he’s thinking, “Perhaps the reason everybody else says she’s a bitch is because she is one.”
This season’s “I didn’t come here to make friends” girl is a real doozy. She’s 25 with a very strict plan: she wants kids before 30, which means she has to be married by 27, which means she has to be engaged by 26. The preview for this past episode showed Princiepoo visiting her at home where for some reason wedding books were strewn about and she made an appearance in a wedding gown. The puzzle-lover in me racked my brain trying to figure out how they could possibly arrive at that scenario. I wondered if it was the old “Oops- I spilled wine on my outfit. Let me slip into something more matrimonial” routine? Or if she had to dig out of the date early to fulfill her obligations as understudy in the local production of “Muriel’s Wedding?” Nope. Turned out her friend showed up with wedding dress in hand and declared (in front of him): “I heard you made it to the final four and might need this.” And the girl proceeded to try it on. Apparently, they decided to forego the psychological evaluations prior to this season.
In case Lorenzo had any question as to whether or not the wedding dress was an isolated incident, the friend informed him of the girl’s 5-year plan. Then later at dinner with the family, the dad asked if he’d seen all her wedding books. Clearly there was a theme to the date. After dinner, the girl and her father went to another room for a brief chat leaving the mother and Lorenzo alone. Had Mom pulled a Mrs. Robinsonesque seduction it would have been awkward. But in this family, awkward is a higher level to which they could only aspire. The mom mentioned that she’s a pilates instructor and started putting him through rigorous moves. This was after dinner and wine while he was nicely dressed. The daughter returned to witness the scene and commented on how embarassing it was that her mom did that. I wanted to yell at her, “You modelled a WEDDING DRESS on your second date and think pilates is embarassing????”
A girl modeling a wedding dress on a second date, a father cocking his rifle, the existence of a twenty-something virgin and the only person in the world who uses the term “commoners.” Where else can you witness all this in one place but on the delightfully trashy The Bachelor. I love it!
Tags: abc, paris hilton, prince lorenzo borghese, the bachelor
