There’s this chain letter type of thing going around on Facebook for which you’re supposed to write 25 random facts about yourself then tag 25 friends and make them do the same. It’s not exactly a chain letter because it doesn’t say you’re going to die or end up at the bottom of a Ponzi scheme or anything like that but people are spreading it nonetheless. I opted out of tagging 25 people and just tagged the people who tagged me and a couple others I felt like annoying. But since I’ve been such a horrendous blogger lately I decided to copy and paste it here as well. Some of this may be repetitious to anybody who’s read my blog for awhile but I was too lazy to think up new stuff.
25 Random Things About Me
1. I forged a check to the school cafeteria at age 6. I filled it out perfectly but got caught because I used a pencil and I printed the whole thing, including my dad’s signature.
2. I jumped out of a moving car at age 7.
3. I twirl my pasta counterclockwise. The only other rightie I’ve encountered who twirls in that direction is my twin brother.
4. Even though I twirl pasta with my right hand, I eat almost everything else holding the fork in my left hand. I started doing that many years ago when I realized how inefficient it was to keep swapping hands every time I had to use a knife.
5. I can raise my left eyebrow but not my right.
6. I have a fairly large birthmark on my right thigh that was dubbed my strawberry because that’s exactly what it looked like when I was a child. But it tasted like chicken.
7. I have AB negative blood, as do my three siblings and my mom. My “dad” insists he has O positive blood, which is why I have to put the air quotes around “dad.”
8. I had a World of Warcraft addiction for awhile, which I think is illegal if you’re not a 17-year-old boy. Even worse, I had the most juvenile character names including Fugly, Sup, Warrihore, Whorlock and my priest, Holyshiite (and yes, I returned to WOW briefly with the recent release of Wrath of the Lich King because I had to rock that new Hero class). For the Alliance!
9. In 8th grade, I screamed in a silent classroom just because I’d always wanted to do it. I suspect my complete and utter unpopularity in high school had something to do with that.
10. As a teen, I was an active member of Rainbow Girls in which I served as a Grand Officer and wore big frilly hoop dresses and hairpieces. I’ll have to post some photos just to freak out the people who know me today.
11. When I wasn’t doing charity work with Rainbow, I was cruising the bars with the fake ID I obtained at age 18.
12. In the second semester of my senior year in high school I had over 20 absences in every class but managed to get 5 A’s and 1 B. The lone B was in English (go figure), which was first period where I had over 30 absences (and where my diligent twin just shrugged his shoulders every time the teacher asked where I was). Public schools discriminate against night owls with believable fake ID’s.
13. I’m a very active sleeper—I walk and talk. It seems to be getting worse as I’ve had a few occasions recently when I was all the way to my front door before I came around.
14. I’m shrinking. I was 5’10” from the age of 13 but on a doctor’s visit a couple years ago, I learned I’m now 5’9 ¼. ” It’s possible that extra height was just from the Aqua Net I used in the ’80s.
15. My website/blog is Google’s top result for the search terms “Jenée” and “people are idiots.” Other interesting search term positions: “idiots” (45th), “people are” (6th), “comedian” (82nd), “GUYnecologist” (3rd), “palin turkey killer” (9th), “hummer blow jobs” (9th), “amish singles” (3rd), “girl blows donkey” (2nd), “girl vomiting video” (8th). Yeah, it’s a classy blog.
16. I hate talking on the phone, particularly with strangers—it borders on a phobia. Sometimes it will take me a couple days just to listen to voice mail messages.
17. I can type 70+ wpm but can only text about 3 wpm. On top of that, I’m compelled to proofread my texts for proper spelling and grammar so it’s not the speediest communication method for me.
18. I’ve been to the Academy Awards five of the last six years and will be back again this year. And I’ll keep going back until I finally have my Clooney moment at the bar. Then I can die.
19. My mantra, “serenity now,” comes from Frank Costanza on Seinfeld. Whenever I’m injured or stressed, I repeat this over and over like Rainman.
20. My favorite food is movie theatre popcorn (with butter flavoring, which is actually yummier than real butter) even after living on it for a year when I worked at a movie theatre as a teenager. It’s been three years since I’ve seen a movie in a theatre so I’ve been missing out on my favorite food for quite awhile.
21. I enjoy long road trips by myself except in states that recently implemented photo speed enforcement because I can’t talk my way out of a ticket that arrives three weeks later. Arizona’s cheap gas prices don’t do much to offset a $181 ticket.
22. I lost 10 pounds over the last four months just by switching from 7-11’s French Vanilla Cappuccinos to McDonald’s Sugar Free Vanilla Iced Coffees (so don’t be hatin’ on the Golden Arches).
23. I can recite the Gettysburg Address in less than 40 seconds.
24. I’ve been fired from four jobs. Insubordination is a common theme in my work history. Actually, it’s apparent that it’s a common theme in all areas of my life.
25. And now that I’ve listed 24 “who the fuck cares?” facts about me, here are some semi-interesting ones that I won’t go into detail about because I’m a bitch like that: I was chased by a rampaging elephant on the streets of Honolulu. I had to call the cops on a tv star who was smoking crack in my living room. I was 86’d from Hollywood’s Sky Bar for jumping in the pool during club hours. I spray painted my name on an actual bomb in South Korea. I supported myself through college getting paid to drink (and believe it or not, I’m still not an alcoholic but I try). I fired a semi-automatic weapon and drove a Humvee in Afghanistan. I got to work the croupier stick at Caesar’s Palace. I followed Andrew Dice Clay my second time ever doing standup. I completed a list of 25 facts about myself.
… Hearing the words “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry,” especially when said by my nephews without any prompting.
… When my nephews yell “NENE!!” and attack me upon arrival, even though it tends to destroy my back for a couple days.
… Time I get to spend with my nephews (well, up to 72 hours. There are only so many conversations about superheroes I can take).
… People who have their money ready.
… Lines that move quickly.
… No lines at all.
… New episodes of Lost, particularly ones that are Desmond-centric.
… Suited Big Slick in the hole.
… When the U.S. provides humanitarian aid to our enemies.
… When karma skips her lunch break.
… Rumors that George Clooney and his latest girlfriend have split (at least, until I’m his latest girlfriend).
… Empty red-eye flights.
… Polls that place Obama way ahead of McCain.
… Finding drink ice in foreign countries.
… When people write my name and include the accent mark.
… Voice mail messages that say, “You don’t have to call me back.”
… The smell of the woods, the sound of the ocean, the sight of the American flag, the feel of a kitten, the taste of victory (sprinkled with salt natch).
… Those who blame every heat wave on global warming.
… Those who say every cold spell is evidence against global warming.
… Those who think Wikipedia is the ultimate resource.
… Those who think Wikipedia is a worthless resource.
… Those who park their SUV’s in spaces marked “compact.”
… Those who drive erratically because they’re holding a cell phone. Buy a damn Bluetooth headset already.
… Those who take me too seriously. Seriously, don’t.
… Those who are new to Southern California who argue that our heavy winds are called “Santana winds.” Maybe that’s the origin but we call them “Santa Ana winds.” You’ll sound like a dufus if you use the former term.
… Those who use a lot of clichés/idioms, usually incorrectly (i.e. “If we just buckle up and grab the bull by the balls, it will be like taking candy from a tiger”). If you can’t hack accurately, come up with some new material.
… Those who say the most important thing in their life is their religion (above family even) but they have a penchant for breaking the Ten Commandments.
… Those who drink gallons of water on a road trip then want to pull over every hour to pee. That’s great that you consume the recommended daily amount of water. Do it when we arrive at our destination.
… Those who think that leaving their phone number on my voice mail is some kind of race. Slow the fuck down. If your message included words like “ASAP,” or “urgent,” you might want to think about repeating the number. S-L-O-W-L-Y.
… Pretty much everybody else.
… When a blogger doesn’t post anything for a whole month (dum dee dum dum…).
… People who think responses like, “Excuse me?” or “Repeat that?” mean “Please repeat just the last word or two of that statement.” Example:
Friend: Oh my god! There are one thousand naked midgets marching down Hollywood Boulevard.
Me: Wh-what did you say?!
Friend: Hollywood Boulevard.
Don’t be a dumbshit. If someone needs you to repeat something be sure to include the important part.
… People who think turn signals are optional.
… People who don’t know how to parallel park when there are cars behind them. How the hell am I supposed to know you’re turning into a location you just passed? When nobody’s behind you, you back in. When cars are behind you, you go head first. Duh. Wasn’t that all resolved on Seinfeld?
… When my junk mail catcher only sends three items to the junk mail folder. And they’re the ones that aren’t spam.
… People who have side conversations while I’m on the phone with them and neither excuse themselves beforehand nor apologize after the fact. Self-absorbed actors and parents of small children are the worst perpetrators.
… When the Emmy’s decide to censor Kathy Griffin’s funny acceptance speech while leaving all the God-praising hypocritical ones intact.
… Pastels, which is why I finally changed my site’s design.
… When strangers tell me to smile. I used to weakly oblige but now I tell them, “I just lost my job, smashed my car and my dog died.” Sometimes they’ll give a “Well, things will get better” but usually they just mutter a “Oh, sorry” and run away. And that ends up making me smile.
… When people in a crosswalk decide that rather than walk between the two painted lines, they’re going to go the “shortest distance between two points is a single line” route and veer off into the driving lane. So now I’ve got to wait an extra five minutes to complete my right turn. I believe that once they leave the borders of the crosswalk, they should be fair game.
… When someone who isn’t involved in a discussion tries to end it because it’s getting heated or he or she doesn’t like the subject matter. You get a pass if we’re in the car and you’re driving. Otherwise, just walk away and let us finish our conversation.
… When someone asks if they can slobber all over something I plan to put in my mouth. Well, the actual question is “Can I have a sip/taste of that?” I’m not a germaphobe but why share spit when it’s unnecessary? The question annoys me because it forces me into an uncomfortable situation for which I’ve yet to come up with a reasonable refusal. If you’re not family or a hottie I want to suck face with, I’d rather you didn’t ask. If you want to taste some of my dinner, then take the portion you want before you dig into your meal. If you want a sip of my drink, at least drink from the side of the glass rather than using my straw and forcing me to continue drinking your backwash. Better yet, just consume whatever you ordered.
… When I go out to dinner with a group of friends and at the end some moron (usually the one person I don’t know) says, “Let’s just make it easy and split it 23 ways.” It’s always the asshole who ordered two bottles of wine, three appetizers and steak and lobster who just wants to “make it easy.” And it always seems to be on the nights when I wasn’t all that hungry and ordered something like a cracker. And the idiot has the nerve to say, “Where’s your $89, Jenée?” There have been too many times in the past when I put in way more than I should have but from now on, I’m paying just for what I ordered, tax and a generous tip. Because to me, a little math really isn’t that difficult.
… When buying rounds of drinks gets out of hand. This is the beverage version of my last complaint. When I offer to buy someone a drink, there’s no strings attached. Enjoy your drink- you don’t have to buy me one. My issue is when someone says, “Let me buy that Diet Coke for you” and I say, “Thanks” and then the next time we go to the bar he or she says, “It’s your round” and then proceeds to order the “Monster Patron Margarita (for four).” Fuuuuck you. Don’t tell me when it’s “my round” and don’t think that a soda equates to a coma-inducing cocktail. Oh, and upgrading your drink when someone else is buying? So tacky.
… Waiting. Actually it’s not waiting that I mind so much, it’s waiting because of someone else’s inefficiency that drives me nuts. That includes going out with people who are never ready on time or watching a cashier work at a snail’s pace even though there are 10 people in line. This is why I think all people who work jobs that involve lines should be tipped. There needs to be some incentive for them to move faster.
More to come. MANY more to come.
With the advent of the Internet came the introduction of the term “LOL.” I’m sure it served a useful purpose when it was first used, presumably by Al Gore after receiving a good anal rape joke in the only email ever to have just one “fwd” in the subject (since he’s apparently responsible for everything related to the world wide web). But it didn’t take long for amateurs to abuse the acronym to the point of being annoying. First they used the term as a response to moderately amusing statements:
“Poker? I didn’t even know her!”
The letters stand for “laugh out loud.” If a comment barely made you snicker, find another term. But loosely throwing around LOL only encourages mediocre humor.
Next came the LOL in response to one’s own statement:
“Poker? I didn’t even know her! LOL!”
Just as in conversation, laughing the loudest at your own joke doesn’t make it any funnier- it just makes you look lame. Good rule of thumb: if you have to tell people it’s funny, it probably isn’t.
Finally, LOL started being used in lieu of an actual apology:
“Oops. I screwed up. LOL!”
I’ve already accepted the fact that most people can’t utter the phrase “I’m sorry.” I don’t know why this is so difficult to say since it really makes life much easier when you can. But LOL is definitely not interchangeable for “I’m sorry.” In fact, it sounds like the person’s mocking the situation rather than apologizing for it. And that’s just irritating. Then when you call them on whether or not they think their screw up is funny, they inevitably say, “No, I swear. LOL.” And that’s when I want to use my bionics to fry their mother board (but, like most of the other Heroes, I’ve yet to learn how to control this ability of mine).
If you’re one of the millions addicted to “LOL,” it’s not too late to weed yourself off it. Start by limiting yourself to just one LOL per post or email (for some people, I know this will be a challenge and they’ll simply substitute LOL with a bunch of emoticons, which are equally overused). Only write it when you actually laughed out loud. I know, silly concept. Or try breaking away from it all together with other terms: “heh heh” for a chuckle, “hee hee” for a giggle, “ha ha!” for a guffaw or better yet, come up with something original. Let the term “LOL” return to a place where it actually has significance because frankly, I’m getting headaches from trying to figure out what new terms like “ROFLMAOWMSOMN!” mean.
Despite how I may come across in writing, I’m actually a very even-tempered person. The only times I yell are when I’m driving and when I’m playing online poker. My neighbors must think I’m in an abusive lesbian relationship due to my frequent shouts of, “YOU STUPID BITCH! HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT CALL??!!” I do, however, show remarkable restraint in live games.
Playing poker creates a bit of conflict for me. On the one hand, stupid players are the reason I can make money at it. On the other hand, stupidity in any form bugs the crap out of me and I want an explanation for it. For the most part, I keep the chat function turned off but occasionally I turn it on and have been known to shoot off a snide comment here and there when someone’s ridiculous play gets lucky. It’s not that I’m a poor loser. Well, it’s partly that I’m a poor loser, but I’m also curious what possessed someone to make that play. Are they new? Did a mouse mistake work to their advantage? I want to know what made them think their 7/2 offsuit was worth all their chips. Unfortunately, explanations are hard to come by and I usually just get taunts which puts me somewhat on tilt and screws up my game. I hate lucky fools. Man how I wish I was one.
Besides those lucky bitches, some things that people often write that irk me:
“Good luck.”: If they really want me to have good luck, they should just fold and hand me their chips. Nobody wants their opponent to have good luck in a competition. They think saying this makes them look like a good sport but it only makes them sound like a phony.
“Nice hand.”: People rarely compliment you for the way you played a hand but they often compliment you on the cards you’re holding. Am I supposed to say “thanks” when all I did was sit in the right seat to get those cards? The fact is, monster hands may look nice but they don’t always pay well. I’d rather win a big pot with a nine high bluff than grab a couple blinds with quad aces.
“___ dude” or “___ man”: When someone says this to me, I usually respond with “___ lady” or “___ ma’am” and they always get all riled up about it. They say, “Why are you being a jerk?” and I say, “How am I being a jerk?” and they say, “By calling me a lady” (because apparently it’s extremely insulting to have someone think you’re a woman). So I tell them, “You started it by calling me man” and they say, “You’re a woman??” It’s as if they never considered that women play poker or they expect that we’ll have screen names like “ShoprGrl” or “ChickPlaya.”
“Poop” or “I’m going to poop on you”: Ok, I’ve only seen this once. And it was my friend who wrote it… over and over. I just hate it because it kept making me giggle. I really need to grow up.
And now my bad beat story from last night that I’m still steaming about: It was a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament and we were down to heads up. I had pocket 9′s and raised preflop about three times the big blind. He called. The flop was 6-8-9 with two hearts. So I flopped an extremely strong hand heads up but I couldn’t slow play it because of the flush and straight draws so I bet about the size of the pot. He raised. So I raised to put him all in, figuring if he was on a draw, he’d have to pay to catch it. He called… with 8-Q offsuit. Now, I could understand him putting in a raise to see if I was bluffing. But at the point I raised to put him all in, he should have assumed I had AT LEAST top pair, but given my preflop raise, he should have considered I had an overpair. It was a horrible, horrible call but I was pretty happy about it. The turn came Q. This gave me pause for concern because I do have such bad luck but with only two outs for him, it was looking good for me. Naturally the river was one of the two remaining queens. Unfuckingbelievable. It’s the story of my life: People do something incredibly stupid and I get screwed.