"Bite me Alan Lambert"

Over the last week, I’ve come across multiple articles (and a South Park nod) about some 47-year-old, unemployed spinster named Susan Boyle who auditioned for the show Britain’s Got Talent. I finally had to see what the hype’s about and I have to say it’s well deserved. The top YouTube clips (which have amassed a ming-boggling 70 million hits in just two weeks) don’t allow embedding but it’s worth clicking the link to watch her rendition of “I Dreamed A Dream.” It makes me realize it’s never too late to achieve your dreams and there’s still a chance I could fulfill mine of being an Olympic gymnast. If this doesn’t give you goose bumps, you must have a heart of Cheney.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2009. |
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Maybe Jason is reconsidering his third choice, Jillian.

Of course I have to comment on the “most dramatic finale ever” of The Bachelor. Just to recap what I’ve written about recent seasons of The Bachelor/ette: first we had Brad Womack, the tool who told the final two contestants that he could see each of them as his wife then he proceeded to dump both of them in the end. So then reject Deanna Pappas got her “second shot at love” and her final two choices were crazy snowboarder Jesse and divorced father Jason. She chose Jesse but not before letting Jason get down on his knees to propose to her. Then this season, reject Jason Resnick was picked to be The Bachelor and get his “second third shot at love.”

I didn’t like the selection from the beginning. The Bachelor is supposed be a sort of fantasy guy and Jason’s just average in every way. But that didn’t stop 25 women from wanting to be the stepmother of his child before they ever met him. I’d love to see them attempt to do The Bachelorette with a single mother. It would last all of one episode as the guys would all hightail it out of there the second they heard about her bundle of joy.

I had long expected his final choices would be Jillian and Melissa so I was a little surprised when he dumped Jillian for Molly but I was still certain he’d pick Melissa in the end. So it was Melissa and Molly who got to meet his son Ty and his family who drilled both women about the heartache Jason’s been through and whether or not they would put him through that again. ‘Cuz Jason’s such an “amazing” (Jason must have uttered that word 1000 times this season) guy. But then (gasp!) Deanna shows up at Jason’s door because she just happened to be in the neighborhood of New Zealand where filming was taking place. The moment responsible for the show’s resurgence in ratings had finally arrived! And it ended with a quick plunk. Deanna said she’d made a mistake choosing Jesse and she should have chosen Jason instead. Jason essentially responded with, “Thanks for coming, put me down for two of whatever you’re selling and get out of here before little Ty sees you and gets even more confused about who his new Mommy is going to be.”

At the final rose ceremony, a tortured Jason chose Melissa, once again getting down on one knee but this time without being told to get back up again. He swung Melissa in his arms as they kissed and shouted their love for each other then the two of them, along with Ty, jumped with their fancy clothes on into an eternity pool. Unfortunately, an inflatable wading pool (with a tear in it) would have been a better symbol of their relationship to come.

In the “dramatic” After the Rose special, Jason said he’d given it a go with Melissa (for all of about a month) but decided he was really in love with Molly. Even better, he hadn’t officially dumped Melissa yet because heaven forbid he should do anything in his love life without the cameras rolling. So he broke up with Melissa (who constantly reminded us throughout the season how she’s always the dumpee) during the taping.

The most painful part of the episode was watching Melissa return the ring. I was fairly certain there weren’t any women on the closed set because if there were, I’m sure we would have heard at least one yell, “NOOOOO!!!!” Poor Melissa apparently doesn’t know the rule about engagement rings: if the girl breaks the guy’s heart, she returns the ring. If the guy is a douchebag like Jason, she sells the ring and uses the money for plastic surgery so she can find a new man (and from what I’ve heard, that was a $65,000 ring, which could keep her swimming in Restylane injections and breast implants for a long time).

Two minutes after dumping his fiancee, Jason asked Molly for another shot and she said yes and they slobbered all over each other, presumably with Melissa’s down payment for a house ring still in his pocket.

Look, I have no problem with Jason deciding Melissa wasn’t the one and wanting another chance with Molly. It’s the fact that he did it all on tv when it was completely unnecessary to do so that was just completely classless. And he seemed oblivious about how selfish his behavior was, saying that he had to follow his heart. Sure, when it’s Jason whose feelings get stomped upon, he spends six months on television telling the world he deserves better but the first chance he gets he breaks a girl’s heart and humiliates her in front of the whole nation.

I’m not surprised that third place finisher Jillian was anounced as the next Bachelorette but the way these rejects are going the second time around, I won’t be surprised if she ends up choosing married host Chris Harrison to be her guy.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2009. |
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This year, the show is back with a fourth judge, Kara Dioguardi, whose name Simon still can’t pronounce correctly. I’m used to people butchering my name and I rarely correct them but I think if I had 30+ million people watching I’d want my co-workers to get it right. She needs to use a mnemonic system to help him with it. I go with “Renée with a J,” which usually seems to help and I think she should go with “I don’t Karabout British douchebags who can’t pronounce my name.” She had no qualms about sticking up for herself when she felt threatened by Bikini Girl, even going so far as to prove her singing skills. I was embarrassed for her that she felt she needed to do that and I was amused that Bikini Girl wasn’t the slightest bit impressed, which clearly riled Kara. A fourth judge really isn’t necessary but at least she brings something to the show that Paula doesn’t: coherence.

Last night the top 36 were revealed and here are just a few comments on the selections:

Best decision by the judges: Keeping Norman and Tatiana. Norman is the guy who does the Richard Simmons type character, a choice that could have seemed painfully derivative but he keeps it just subtle enough to be funny. Then there’s Tatiana who is the epitome of the term “hot mess.” I loved it when Simon said to her, “Just try for a moment not to be annoying,” which is impossible for her to do. She’s a complete nightmare and both she and Norman will infuriate the uber fans who take this show way too seriously but they’re sheer entertainment so of course I hope they both go far.

Worst decision by the judges: Sending home the black guy who’s best friends with the dude whose wife died. I thought he was one of the best in the competition and should have gone forward.

Most predictable decision by the judges: Keeping the sweet blind dude. The guy is a good singer but not nearly as good as some of the rejects and his position probably should have gone to the guy above. I just hope Simon won’t pull any punches with him. That means he needs to rip him on his style and his bug-eyed stare like he would anybody else. Fair is fair.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2009. |
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© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. |
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Asking for the father’s permission suggests that the father has control over his daughter’s life and subsequently, the husband will be in control. Fuck that. I don’t want anybody thinking he’s the boss of me and I have no interest in a henpecked little man who thinks he needs to ask permission for anything. Asking for the father’s permission also makes him the boss of his future son-in-law, as exemplified on the finale when Sean Penn’s request was followed by the father’s order that he cut his hair. While I agree that he’d look better with shorter hair, I don’t want my dad thinking he can give style orders to somebody I’ll be appearing in public with.

It’s one thing for a guy to tell the parents (not just the father, you misogynistic bastards), “I’m going to ask your daughter to be my wife and I hope you’re okay with that… but if you’re not, tough shit.” But asking for permission is ridiculous because what if the parents say no? Would the guy back off from the woman he loves? Of course not, which makes it an empty courtesy. Granted, it would never go down like that in my household because if I ever brought a guy home to my parents it would be my dad who would beg the guy to marry me before I could even make the introductions.

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Lost- Four seasons and it’s as strong as ever. I made nine predictions about the finale and I was thrilled to get eight of them correct. Ok, they weren’t exactly tough (Sawyer calls somebody by a nickname, Jack barks orders at someone, Kate gets rescued by either Sawyer or Jack, Hurley drips sweat, Sayid repairs something, Desmond says “brother,” Aaron cries, Michael dies and the one I missed, Locke rubs his head) but it always fun to guess anything correctly with this show. Actually, some earlier predictions of mine also came to fruition, namely that Locke was in the casket and that Penny would rescue the O6 (though, I thought Desmond would die minutes before that happened), so it wasn’t the sort of shocking season finale I’ve become accustomed to with Lost. But I’m glad to see the future of the show will apparently include Ben because he seriously rocks.

The Bachelor- I thought this guy was the best bachelor ever. He was a real-life Mr. Big- a tall, gorgeous, international financier. Seriously dreamy. But, not surprisingly, he chose the blonde sex kitten (who happens to be Lorenzo Lamas’ daughter) over the funny chick. I thought blondie was all right but I would have thought their hometown date with her mother would have scared him. It was a frightening glimpse into what she was going to look like in 25 years, that is, unless the surgeon who mutilated her mother’s face is put behind bars as he should be. Even though I don’t think he made the right choice, I do think these two will get married. But I also think they’ll get divorced soon after popping out a couple of freakishly beautiful children.

Survivor- I love it when a show can bring one of its best seasons ever in its 16th season. And Survivor succeeded in doing this, at least for the second half of the game. Watching all these boys stumble over their erect penises was awesome. And Erik… OH. MY. GOD. Earlier in the season I thought he was destined to be one of those quickly forgotten players, remembered only as “the dude with the awful Leif Garrett hairdo.” Little did I know. As much as I love a good blindside, I have to admit that watching the ladies devour him the way they did was actually painful for me. I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as I would have with a guy who wasn’t so damn nice. But it frightens me that people as dumb as Erik are allowed to move freely about this country and even worse, vote. I thought Cirie played a great game her first time around and an even better one this time so she was my favorite to win but I think Parvati played the second-best game so I was happy to see her rewarded over Amanda “The Doe-Eyed Choker.”

American Idol- The finale answered the burning question: who is the worst dancer in the world, David Archuleta or Brooke White (answer: Brooke White by a mile-long moonwalk).The fact that David Cook won over the heavy favorite David Archuleta has restored a little bit of my faith in America’s taste (or maybe it just confirmed America’s sheep-like mentality when it comes to Simon Cowell, who made no secret about his desire for Cook to win). Don’t get me wrong, little David is a great singer and he’s unbelievably adorable. In fact, I want two David Archuleta dolls, one at his current size, the one where I pull the string when I’m feeling down and he says, “Aw, shucks. Life is just so wonderful,” which is the one I would have been all googly over at age 12. I’d also like the full size David A. doll, aged by about 20 years because I know it would look seriously hot on my bed. But I’m pleased with David Cook’s win because he’s only the second contestant (after Chris Daughtry) and the first winner ever whose music I would actually seek out. And first on the list will be his covers of “Hello” and “Billie Jean” which I thought were incredible.

The Hills- A few months ago I joked that a guy was too young for me if he’d ever watched The Hills. I honestly didn’t even know what The Hills was, just that it was on MTV. Then while I was traveling I read a bunch of magazines and every other page seemed to mention somebody from the show. Even John McCain said he never missed an episode and that Heidi was a great “actress.” It got to the point that I had to know if I was on Team Lauren or Team Speidi. Thanks to the raping this tv season took due to the writers’ strike, I had some room in my viewing schedule to check it out. Holy shit it’s addicting, mostly because it’s supposed to be a reality show but every scene is so obviously staged that it’s a complete train wreck. Basically, it’s a female version of Entourage except the stories primarily focus on a group of girls who repeatedly return to some pathetic excuses for men. It’s worth tuning in just to find out what a Justin Bobby is. But there’s also Spencer Pratt. What a piece of work this one is. He is the epitome of lameness and the saddest part is that because he’s good looking and on television, he’ll always be able to get laid despite his lameness. So whose team am I on? I’d probably be on Team Heidi if she showed enough sense to drop that fool Spencer. Lauren’s all right but she needs to learn how to let go of a grudge, particularly over something as insignificant as a little rumor. Whitney seems like a nice girl, though someone needs to teach her that words that end with a “g” END with a “g” and not with a “guh” (like “bringuh” or “thinguh”). Yeah, it’s nitpicky but it kinda bugs me. Audrina is just plain vapid so that leaves me on Team Lo, the girl who shoots her mouth off without really thinking. She sort of reminds me of somebody…

(Oh, and if you’re planning on voting for McCain, watch The Hills and tell me if a guy who claims to never miss an episode is someone you want to have access to the red button).

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. |
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(FYI- It was a gift from Sarah Silverman to her man Jimmy Kimmel for the fifth year anniversary of his show).

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. |
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Tonight I watched the season finale of The Bachelor, the show that loves to promise “The most dramatic [rose ceremony] [finale] [commercial break] ever!” and rarely delivers. But this time they got me when the bachelor ended up ditching BOTH women in the end. Frankly, I thought it should have been the other way around. The guy is good looking with a killer body and a fat wallet but he has less personality than a booger. And that monotone voice of his would put me in a coma on the first date. In fact, the last few bachelors have been disappointing and when they’re the best a team of casting directors scouring the nation can find, what hope do I have?

I’ve always thought there was something screwed up about the guys who proposed in the end considering they were macking on other chicks just a couple nights before. But there’s something even more screwed up about a guy that declares a woman has every quality he could possibly want in a wife then he dumps her. Perhaps DeAnna just didn’t have that elusive je ne sais penis that so many men are looking for these days.

Luckily I watched the episode in time to learn that a follow-up episode was airing tonight, which I caught as well. Clearly the two women have completely given up as they both appeared in shapeless sack dresses. That’s not the way to rub a guy’s nose in the fact that he screwed up. The way you rub someone’s nose in something is to utter a phrase like host Chris Harrison did when he said to Jenni, “You took a huge leap of faith when you said you loved him and he rejected you” to which she responded matter-of-factly, “Yeah, I know that.” It could only have been better if she’d said, “No duh, you prick.”

I will give bachelor Brad a little credit for being brave enough to appear before an audience full of angry women and it took real balls for him to proclaim that he was as hurt as anybody by what happened. He should probably thank the top notch security at ABC studios that he didn’t end up with a shiv in his throat or a compact to the noggin after that comment. I wonder if you have to go to Mexico to get that kind of clueless pill or if Jessica Simpson has her signature line available on QVC?

In the end, two great girls were left miserable by a lousy dude. Twenty bucks says he’ll be the one to fall in love first.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2007. |
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–Michael Scott

Oh how I missed The Office.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2007. |
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© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2007. |
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