[caption id="" align="alignleft" width="99" caption=""Bite me Alan Lambert""][/caption] Over the last week, I've come across multiple articles (and a South Park nod) about some 47-year-old, unemployed spinster named Susan Boyle who auditioned for the show Britain's Got Talent. I finally had to see what the hype's about and I have to say it's well deserved. The top YouTube clips (which have amassed a ming-boggling 70 million hits in just two weeks) don't allow embedding but it's worth clicking the link to watch her rendition of "I Dreamed A Dream." It makes me realize it's never too late to achieve your dreams and there's still a chance ...

[caption id="" align="alignnone" width="303" caption="Maybe Jason is reconsidering his third choice, Jillian."][/caption] Of course I have to comment on the "most dramatic finale ever" of The Bachelor. Just to recap what I've written about recent seasons of The Bachelor/ette: first we had Brad Womack, the tool who told the final two contestants that he could see each of them as his wife then he proceeded to dump both of them in the end. So then reject Deanna Pappas got her "second shot at love" and her final two choices were crazy snowboarder Jesse and divorced father Jason. She ...

Every May when the winner of American Idol is announced, I swear it's the last season I'll watch this piece of garbage. Then January rolls around and it somehow ropes me back in. I lose a part of my soul with every season and I fear that if I keep watching, by season 12 I'll be laughing at prop comics and attending Celine Dion concerts with a fanny pack around my waist. This year, the show is back with a fourth judge, Kara Dioguardi, whose name Simon still can't pronounce correctly. I'm used to people butchering my name and I rarely ...

It's that glorious time of year known as Shark Week on the Discovery channel. I missed the premiere episode so I went to their website to find out if the videos are available online. They're not but I did stumble upon their "Shark Yourself" feature and of course I had to waste my time playing with it. I like the first one better- I really think some shark teeth covered in bling bling is the right look for me. As for the second photo, it's the closest anybody will ever come to seeing me eat fish without gagging. ...

On Monday's finale of The Bachelorette, a big deal was made over her suitors asking for her father's permission to propose to her, an archaic tradition I can't believe is still practiced. It made sense back in olden days when a marriage meant the loss of a good farmhand or butter churner but in today's age of food processors and women living on their own for a good while before marrying, it's rather insulting to the woman. Asking for the father's permission suggests that the father has control over his daughter's life and subsequently, the husband will be in control. Fuck that. I don't want anybody thinking he's the boss of me and ...

I spent so much time finishing my travelogue that I haven't talked tv in awhile so here's the season wrap up: Lost- Four seasons and it's as strong as ever. I made nine predictions about the finale and I was thrilled to get eight of them correct. Ok, they weren't exactly tough (Sawyer calls somebody by a nickname, Jack barks orders at someone, Kate gets rescued by either Sawyer or Jack, Hurley drips sweat, Sayid repairs something, Desmond says "brother," Aaron cries, Michael dies and the one I missed, Locke rubs his head) but it always fun to guess anything correctly with this show. Actually, some earlier predictions of mine also came to fruition, namely that Locke was in the casket ...

I can't stop singing this damn song so I'm passing it along in the hope that infecting others will help me return to my usual tune, "I'm fucking George Clooney." (FYI- It was a gift from Sarah Silverman to her man Jimmy Kimmel for the fifth year anniversary of his show).

But there's something even more screwed up about a guy that declares a woman has every quality he could possibly want in a wife then he dumps her. Perhaps DeAnna just didn't have that elusive je ne sais penis that so many men are looking for these days.

... but I'm a little stitious." --Michael Scott Oh how I missed The Office.

Good ol' Corey Clark- he of the Paula Abdul cougar love- is back in the news. I love it when you can just look at someone's mugshot and know exactly what he was busted for. If the D.A. can't get a conviction on this one, it's time to hang up his legal briefs.

Can I sue a tv show for wasting my time? No, this isn't another American Idol post; I'm talking about Sopranos. What was once a great show ended with a pathetic final season and the worst finale in the history of television. Shows that have been suddenly cancelled have had better send-offs. So why did I watch the full season if it was so bad? Simply put, I was duped (is dupage a valid reason for legal recourse)? Allow me to explain the Sopranos' trickery: The first half of the season aired about 10 years ago and the format had changed drastically from previous seasons. The episodes featured a bunch of choppy scenes that were virtually unrelated and didn't go ...

I'm pretty buzzed right now so excuse me if I ramble on and make a bunch of typos. But I really am more depressed than I've been in a long time so I did a few shots of Jaeger. In my early 20's I used to do about five shots of Jaeger just to get the night started but it's been several years since I've done even one. I have to admit I gagged doing them tonight. Guess I'm out of practice. And no, the depression is not because Lost had its season finale and it will be nine months until there's a new episode. I'm actually trying to hold off on watching the finale as long as humanly possible ...

Since I wrote about the Heroes finale I should probably discuss the American Idol finale as well (and maybe some others in the next couple days). I mentioned I dropped a few shows so it may come as a surprise that this wasn't one of them. I'm telling you, it's some sort of mind control they have. I can't even explain why I watch it. I just do. The fact is, it's been a rather boring season. Boring enough that I never watched any of the results shows and honestly considered dropping the show altogether ...