O.J. Squeezed From The Lineup
O.J. Simpson’s book If I Did It and the accompanying Fox interview have been scrapped.
NOOOOOOOOOOO!
This of course means we won’t see what would have been the inevitable follow-up books, If I Did It (Again), I’d Scrap The Poodle Do by Marcia Clark and I Don’t Care If Anybody Did It, I Just Wanted To Be Back In The Limelight Again by Kato Kaelin.
I was seriously looking forward to the interview. I couldn’t help but be amused by the gall of this man to write a book describing how he would have killed his ex-wife, if he’d been so inclined to do that.
Well, lucky for my readers, I have an inside connection that provided me with some excerpts from O.J.’s interview with Judith Regan. Here they are:
Judith Regan: Why did you decide to write this book?
O.J.: Good question. In my exhaustive 12-year search to find Nicole’s real killer, I felt it was important to try and understand why I- I mean, why someone- would do something so heinous.
Judith Regan: In the book, you detail how you would have killed Nicole. What would you have done differently from the “real” killer?
(note: when she said “real” she apparently started to do the quote symbol with her hands)
O.J.: Clearly it was a brilliant plan that the killer got away with. But if you want to talk specifics, I wouldn’t have worn gloves that were way too small for my hands. That was the silliest thing I’ve ever heard- as if I couldn’t afford to buy gloves that fit.
Judith Regan: What would you have done to hide the evidence, such as bloody clothes, after the murders?
O.J.: I probably would have thrown them into an old Louis Vuitton bag and passed it off to a good friend. And by “good friend,” I mean someone who has a legal obligation to keep his mouth shut.
Judith Regan: (Sweating) So basically you’re saying that if you had- hypothetically- killed Nicole Brown you would have done it exactly the way the prosecution claimed you did it?
O.J.: Pretty much.
And there you have the real reason why the interview was cancelled.
Fox is surely giving up a ratings monster, perhaps one big enough to surpass its highest rated show of all time, the very classy Joe Millionaire, which had 40 million viewers. But I’ve got an idea for Fox that could be an even bigger hit: do another dating-type program where woman sign up to meet a rich bachelor. When they show up, they learn that the bachelor is O.J. Simpson! Not only would it be highly entertaining to watch the look of horror on the faces of some of the girls before they run screaming, it would be fun to see the dollar signs in the eyes of the women who decide to stay.
Premature Jacked Elation
I had zero interest in the Olympic games until I heard about the gold medal peformance for stupidity. This newest entry to the “Agony of Defeat” reel occurred during the women’s snowboard cross finals. It plays out like a laughably unrealistic scene from a bad movie:
The race begins with four women vying for the three medals. At least they tell us those are women tearing down the mountain at warp speed but it’s hard to tell with the baggy clothes and helmets. Actually, even without the helmets it’s kind of hard to tell if some of them are really women.
About 10 seconds into the race, one contender literally flies off the screen into no man’s land and she’s never mentioned again. Moments later another boarder suddenly bounces off the course, taking out a huge protective net and the Syrian luge team with her. Conspiracy theories abound.
Two competitors are left. American Lindsey Jacobellis is so far ahead she’s in a 
different time zone and gets a bit cocky. I’m not exactly sure what happens next, maybe she’s text messaging “GOLD4USA!!” or maybe she’s enjoying an early victory bong hit. All I know for certain is that in an instant of stupidity, she’s tumbling in powder and the band cuts short its overhasty strains of “The Star Spangled Banner.” Lindsey manages to get back up quickly- just in time to see Switzerland’s Tanja Frieden cruise by at a snail’s pace and capture the gold. Apparently it’s not speed that wins the women’s snowboard cross finals, it’s a little self control.
An unbelievable display. A lifetime of hard work and sacrifices came down to one moment of grandstanding and a silver medal (I believe a Bosnian onlooker with a piece of plywood jumped in to take the bronze).
Lindsey Jacobellis blew her big shot. She’ll now embark on the endless talk show circuit where her actions will be analyzed and criticized and memorialized. She will become a household name and a permanent footnote in Olympic history. She will be the face of the slacker snowboarder. Meanwhile, the chick from Switzerland whose name I’ve already forgotten will have the gold.
On second thought, it was quite possibly the most brilliant stunt in Olympic history.
