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Shop ‘Til You Drop…A Brick On Someone’s Head

Some shopping encounters over the last few weeks: I was purchasing alcohol in a store and the cashier asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "21." With a surprised look he responded, "Really? No you're not." I asked, "Do you think I'm younger?" He said, "No, older." I replied, "Then why are you asking me my age? Just sell me the booze." ********** While exiting 7-11, I waited a few extra seconds to hold the door for a guy who was entering. Not only didn't he thank me, he didn't even acknowledge my existence in any way, as if I was the official 7-11 doorman and I might expect a tip if he looked at me. ********** Standing in line at a ...

Anti-Deodorant

I dared to buy deodorant at the 99 Cent Store. Big mistake. Not only did it fail to prevent odor, it CREATED a stank much worse than anything my body has ever produced on its own. And it just sort of crept up on me like a stink bomb had suddenly been released. Luckily I was at home and spared the embarrassment of public reekage but it made me realize that you have to have some serious olfactory problems to be oblivious to bad B.O. The next time I'm in close proximity to such an offender I don't think I'll politely ignore it because that's just rude on their part. Lesson for the kids: The 99 Cent Store is good for ...

Lucky Signs

Last night I went to 7-11 and my total came to $7.11. I was expecting balloons to fall from the ceiling and a bunch of people to jump out from the corners throwing confetti, but at 2 am all I got was a bored security guard and a cashier wearing an "I am not a terrorist" button. I figured the numerical coincidence was a sign that I should buy a lottery ticket. Gamblers always see weird things as lucky signs. One time, my friend and I drove to Vegas and passed a burning car along the way. For some reason we were certain that was a lucky sign (nobody headed to Vegas sees anything as an unlucky sign). As it turned ...

You Get What You Pay For

Happy new year and all that good stuff. I've been slacking big time on my blog. My usual ranting and raving just seemed out of place over the holidays. I had planned to vent during my family's first official Festivus celebration (I even got the pole, which I'm sure my sister's wondering what the hell she's going to do with right about now), but somehow I missed my turn to speak during the "airing of grievances." At least it left me with a few pent up aggravations to blog about. So my first attack of 2006 shall be against my piece of crap web hosting company who likes to periodically screw with my email. First they removed my email catch-all a ...

No Ho Ho Ho’s

This is the first Christmas I've missed with my nephews and I'm pretty bummed. The older one, Zach, and I always track Santa's travels on the Norad website then leave cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer. I'm worried he won't believe in Santa much longer because he's closing in on the wise old age of five and has a lot of questions. Last year he wondered how big fat Santa gets down the chimney. This year Zach was anxious to sit on Santa's lap at school but his dad refused to wait in line so he said they could head over to the mall and meet Santa. Most kids his age would accept that without question, but young ...

Impulse Buys

As I stood in line at Sav-on today, I browsed through the baskets leading to the cashier. They contained the usual items: batteries, candy, water, EPT Plus. Huh? A home pregnancy test??? Yes, the brilliant minds at Sav-on determined that EPT Plus fits into the category of "impulse buy" (and/or "stocking stuffer"). Don't they realize a pregnancy test is always the first item on the shopping list and never an afterthought? No woman gets in line, sees the boxes of EPT and says to herself, "Come to think of it, my belly's getting quite large and I haven't had my period in six months. Maybe I should buy this." A home pregnancy test is one of those items a person goes to the ...

Second Thoughts On The Xbox

So today I hear on the news that the Xboxes, which retail for $299, are now going for well over $1000 on Ebay. This forces me to adjust some of the comments I made yesterday. I retract any criticsm toward the students who waited in line for the Xbox to make an $800+ return on their investment. There aren't a lot of college kids who can make that kind of scratch in one day unless they're peddling drugs or swinging from a pole. Now I have to figure out who's dumber: the people who braved the elements for two days to buy a $299 Xbox or the people who didn't wait but are now paying $1000+ for an item that will ...

Not Even For The First Atari

Hundreds of video game fans camped out in New York's cold and rain to be among the first to buy the new Xbox released today. I blame Miss Liberty for requesting the "wretched refuse" instead of the "worthy achievers." Now before I begin my usual barrage of ridicule, my regular readers don't need to remind me that last week I waited in a long line for my little passion. But it was two hours in perfect 80 degree weather for a one-time-only event. I think that meets the criteria for mental stability. These fools risked pneumonia, muggings and possible inclusion in an Apprentice task to buy a stupid video game! Who are these people? I know it's not minors because all the ...

Fucked up Perspective

When I decided I absolutely had to buy Green Day's American Idiot album, I was on the road and stopped at the first store I thought might carry it: Wal-Mart. I couldn't find it on the shelves so I asked a salesperson who told me they don't sell albums with "explicit lyrics." The fact that Wal-Mart sells bullets but won't carry music with profanity is perfectly logical because we've all read the statistics on how many kids die each year from the word "fuck." It really is amazing to me that America, the land of the free, still has such screwed up priorities. Howard Stern has been practically forced off the public airwaves, while Tom Leykis gets to propagate misogynism to ...

99 Cent Store Gift Card

While shopping at the $.99 Store (because I make the big bucks), I noticed they have a gift card available for purchase. Now first of all, I think receiving any gift card is a little awkward. It's as if the giver is saying, "I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I'm afraid you'd spend cash on booze and gambling." But a gift card to the $.99 Store just says, "I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I know you don't mind crap." So of course I had to buy one for my friend- and I only wanted to put $.98 on it. The problem is, you have to buy it for $9.99 so I tried explaining to the ...

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