Bishops To Queens: “Check Mate”
This reads like something out of The Onion, but it’s legit. From the AP:
The nation’s Roman Catholic bishops adopted new guidelines for gay outreach Tuesday that are meant to be welcoming, while also telling gays to be celibate since the church considers their sexuality “disordered.” [snip]
The statement, “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination,” was adopted by a 194-37 vote, with one abstention, at a meeting of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.
Let me start with the title, “Ministry to Persons with a Homosexual Inclination.” It sounds like something right out of the 1950′s, kind of like “Rehabilitation for Wayward Young Women” or “Tolerance Toward Those Exhibiting Negroid Tendencies.” With a title like that, you can be sure it’s not filled with progressive ideas.
The statement in a nutshell:
The bishops also underscore Catholic opposition to gay marriage and adoption by gay and lesbian couples, but also say children of gay Catholics can be baptized if they are being raised in the faith.
Under the guidelines, parishes are instructed to help Catholics avoid “the lifestyle and values of a ‘gay subculture.’” Gays also are discouraged from telling anyone about their sexual orientation outside a close circle of friends and supporters in the church.
I wonder how they help them to avoid the gay lifestyle? I suppose they prevent them from going to the gym, force them to wear clothes from Wal-Mart and convince them they really don’t need moisturizer. And exactly who are these “supporters in the church?” Supporters of immigration reform? Supporters of speed bingo night? Or are these the “I don’t believe you should get married, have sex or adopt children” sort of “supporters”?
Anyone who knowingly persists in sinful behavior, such as gay sex or using artificial birth control, should refrain from taking Communion, the bishops said.
So how does that work? When the tray comes around you just pass? Suddenly everybody in the church is jotting down notes on who took Communion and who didn’t. Your reason might have been that the Triscuit doesn’t fit into your Atkins diet but now everybody’s praying for your soul because you’re a “Gosh dang queer” who engages in protected sex. How anybody could consider the use of a condom sinful is beyond levels of stupidity than I can even grasp. If there is a God, I imagine him throwing his hands up in the air in frustration saying, “I’ve given you AIDS and homosexuality, when are you people going to get the message that I want you to wrap your wieners and stop having so many Me-damn kids??!!”
“The tone of the document is positive, pastoral and welcoming,” [Bishop Arthur] Serratelli said. “Its starting point is the intrinsic human dignity of every person and God’s love for every person.”
Absolutely. Being told your way of life that hurts nobody is sinful is the kind of positive, uplifting message that keeps a smile on your face all day long. And nothing makes a person feel more welcome than being considered “disordered.” Can people really say stuff like that with a straight face?
The guidelines condemn discrimination against gays and say it’s not a sin to be attracted to someone of the same sex – only to act on those feelings.
I wonder how they’d feel if Congress decided it’s not a sin to be Catholic- only to practice those beliefs. Surely they wouldn’t see that as discrimination either.
Reverend Fruity McTweaker
Two ways to tell if a guy is gay:
1) He says he’s gay
2) He’s a political or religious leader who’s vehemently opposed to gay marriage.
“I bought (meth) for myself but never used it.”
“I got a massage from a male prostitute in a seedy hotel but we didn’t have sex.”
People thought Bill Clinton’s “I didn’t inhale” was laughable. Thanks for the chuckles Reverend Ted Haggard!
All Work, No Pray (Revisited)
Sometimes my responses to comments left for posts require a little more attention than the comments section provides so I’ve decided to reply to one comment for “All Work No Pray” in this post. “Orthodox Apprentice” wrote:
Your anti-semitic comments are highly offensive.
You should be careful with the accusations you throw around because a statement like that is libel. I have no problem with Jews or people who practice any religion. I do, however, think the religions themselves are nutty. While I don’t discriminate against anyone for their beliefs, any discussions of those beliefs are given the same kind of consideration I give to people’s discussions of their alien abductions or reincarnations. I just don’t think believing in a burning bush that speaks is all that different.
But besides that, what did I write that you consider to be anti-semitic? I had a problem with the guys taking time off work for ANY reason. I mentioned that they are Jewish because it’s relevant to their excuse but I didn’t say one word to imply their particular religious affiliation was a factor. I think my subtle praise for Lenny should have indicated such.
Observant Jews are forbidden from working on Jewish holidays. They don’t have a choice – it’s simply not allowed.
What happens if they do work? Will a couple thugs beat them to a pulp with a giant loaf of challah? Lenny’s Jewish and he worked. Is he going to hell now? One problem I have with organized religions is that many still abide by traditions that were established at a time when it was practical to follow them but they have not been updated to reflect the current state of affairs. The worst example of this has to be the Catholic church’s continued refusal to allow its practitioners to use birth control, particularly condoms. One word from the Pope could result in far fewer AIDS-stricken, starving babies living in this world. There comes a point when common sense should dictate how and which traditions are followed.
I don’t know of any corporation in this country that does not allow employees to take off on religious holidays. The right to practice religion is protected by our Constitution.
Do you know of any corporations that allow time off specifically for religious holidays? If so, I’d like to know about them. If a company has a policy that states each employee gets 5 personal days a year, then great- the Jews can use those days to observe holidays and the easy single chicks can use those days to observe hard bodies. But if a company gives special privilleges to people for religious reasons, that’s discrimination against agnostics, atheists and people whose religions don’t include holidays every other week. My only interest is in equality for everybody.
I support people’s right to practice any religion but if they choose to let it interfere with their work, they should suffer the consequences. The same applies to being a parent or a drama queen; you do that on your own time.
These guys did not slack off or go out drinking. They spent the two days in a synagogue praying to God for health, peace and prosperity.
For all you know, they could have been praying to win The Apprentice. I’ve watched enough reality shows to know that’s the sort of hollow, selfish desire a lot of people pray for. And who are you to determine one reason is more valid than the other for skipping work? You may think my need to party and have a good time is silly while I think your need to talk to imaginary people is silly. This is precisely why there needs to be a blanket allowance for all employees and if such an allowance doesn’t exist then you pay the price at work for making something else a priority, just as I’m sure Lenny suffered some sort of repercussions within his faith for making work his priority.
The producers of the show knew that these two guys would not be available on certain days, yet they picked them for the cast and scheduled tasks for those days. It was probably set up intentionally to create a conflict. You can’tblame Dan and Lee for practicing their religion. They are who they are.
Of course the producers knew and I’m sure they were hoping for a lot more conflict than they got. In the context of life, I don’t blame Dan and Lee for practicing their religion but in the context of work, I do blame them for their team’s loss and somebody else’s firing. There have been several people on The Apprentice who I believe had much better reasons than religion for skipping a task but they didn’t. If I were an employer, those would be the people I’d want working in my business.
All Work, No Pray
On the last episode of The Apprentice, two guys sat out a task in order to observe Dreidel Day or Buy A Baldie A Yarmulke Day or something like that. There are so many holidays, I can’t keep track. Another Jewish guy, Lenny, showed up to do the job he beat out thousands of others to do. The team lost the task and when it came time to choose people to bring into the board room for firing, the project manager brought in Lenny but not the two absentees. After some debate, the project manager was fired but she should have been cut loose the second she decided not to bring in the two slackers, who should have been canned as well. Anybody who believes that somebody who made even the slightest effort is more deserving of being fired than two people who did nothing is a crappy leader. That should have been the whole board room discussion before Trump said, “You’re fired.”
The only person who expressed any real disapproval of the guys skipping the task was Lenny. Trump didn’t even seem to have a problem with it. I can’t believe all the other contestants were pleased that their asses were on the line for someone else’s beliefs. It showed how scared people are to voice their opposition in a PC world where doing so will incur the wrath of overzealous religious groups.
It really bothers me that concessions are made for people who choose to practice traditions that were created at a time when taking a day off work meant eating meat you caught yesterday instead of today. I don’t suppose Trump would be so understanding if an Irish dude said he needed St. Patrick’s Day off because the pubs open at 8 am or if a single girl missed work because she hooked up with a hottie the night before and has a mad hangover (and a possible nooner to look forward to). For that matter, I wonder if the Jewish guys would give them a free pass, knowing their hard work could cost them the opportunity of a lifetime while their teammate’s drooling into a pint of Guiness. If one gets a day off, they all should.
Anybody Seen Granny? (AKA What’s That Smell)?
From the “truth is stranger than fiction” files:
The body of a Cincinnati woman spent the last couple years at home propped up in front of a tv, per her last wishes (making me wonder if her static viewing habits is the reason for ABC’s dramatic ratings shift and why “The George Lopez Show” is still on the air). After the 61-year-old’s death in August 2003, her caretaker left her upstairs in the home with the television and air conditioning running because she said, “Don’t bury me. I’ll be back.” This alone makes the story of Terminator Granny fascinating, but there’s more:
Family members continued to live downstairs.
Police went to the house last Wednesday after a relative who hadn’t seen the lady in 2 1/2 years called them. They found a staircase behind a door blocked by a basket and climbed to the second floor where they found the body. They said the odor of death was noticeable.
It took 2 1/2 years for the relative to realize she was missing and call the cops? As I understand it, 80% of all senior citizen deaths are discovered within two weeks of an offspring’s birthday. Apparently Terminator Granny wasn’t too consistent with those $12 birthday checks (speaking of which, I’d like to use this space to wish my twin brother John a happy birthday- saves me a phone call).
That’s always been my big fear- that because I don’t have a regular schedule and because I’m so bad at returning calls, I might die and nobody would notice for awhile. I shudder at the thought that the last public word on me would be from one of my neighbors on the tv news saying, “There was this horrible smell in the building so bad it made me gag…. turns out it was Jenée.” (And then the cheesy reporter would say, “At least the comedienne went out with a gag. For channel two news I’m…”)
Terminator Granny’s death seemed to be common knowledge among all but the one clueless relative. Friends and family would occasionally stop by to say hi to her mummified body and her former caregiver recently bought her some new clothes (I’m not making this stuff up). There’s something very depressing about the fact that a dead lady receives more gifts and visitors than I do. And in that part of the country, she’s probably having more sex too.
In case anybody’s wondering, the reason the family endured Terminator Granny’s stench for 2 1/2 years was to honor her religious beliefs (surprise, surprise) that she’d rise from the dead. I can tell you this much, if the body of an Atheist is being housed in someone’s upstairs, it’s not per the deceased’s wishes and it’s not receiving housecalls.
The Religious Wrong
On Thursday night, I saw my first preview for The Book of Daniel, a quirky new dramedy about an Episcopalian priest and his dysfunctional family. I thought it looked interesting but I probably wouldn’t have sought out the program. Then I read that several NBC affiliates had removed the show from their schedules in response to some boohooing from religious groups. That got my attention. No matter what the critics or fans say about a show, nothing is more likely to get me to tune in than hearing the Religious Right has a problem with it. I think they should do away with the current stars and thumbs in ratings and implement a system of crosses for each cult, I mean religious group, who opposes the show. The more the crosses, the more likely it is I’ll like it.
I wasn’t quite clear where the pre-premiere controversy came from. Ok, the priest is a Vicodin-popping hottie (Aidan Quinn) who has regular chit-chats throughout the day with American Idol runner-up Bo Bice. Or maybe that’s supposed to be Jesus. As far as I know, taking painkillers is neither unlawful nor immoral. And I thought religious dudes talked to their imaginary friend all the time. It could be worse- he could be carrying on with Ryan Seacrest. Then there’s Father Hottie’s wife who’s quite fond of her martinis. Again, not a sin unless she’s drinking cheap vodka. They have a teenage daughter who gets arrested for selling pot. I’ll give the religious groups that one, though I’d have to put that in the category of “illegal but not sinful.” They have an adopted Chinese son who’s half naked in every scene as he tries to make it with his girlfriend. The only sin there is the warm feelings I get when I see this stud, who’s quite possibly a minor. Rounding out the family is the oldest son who’s a gay Republican. Clearly, he’s the most objectionable character on the show, being a Republican and all. But methinks the uproar is over the fact that both he and the show’s creators are gay. Oh wait, I don’t have to just presume that, a spokesman for the American Family Association came right out and said that was the problem.
The same spokesman went on to say, “This was not a realistic portrayal of a minister’s life. This was so far beyond the pale, it was almost a comic strip version.” Whoever said that television portrayals had to be realistic? Does anybody believe there’s even one street in America with fortysomething women who always look as fabulous as those of Wisteria Lane or that Jack Bauer can save the world in 24 hours without ever encountering rush hour traffic?
I watched the first two episodes of The Book of Daniel last night to see if there was something missing from the news reports that got the religious groups so upset. There was no bashing of religion or religious figures (as I’d hoped there would be). It was basically about a guy and his family who make some mistakes. Heaven forbid that a priest should be portrayed as (gasp!) human! Even if he wasn’t, what makes religious groups believe they should be above parody when every other group is subject to it? Even more disturbing is the fact that these tv stations give in to the complaints.
A few weeks ago, some Catholic group complained about a recent South Park episode with the following premise:
A statue of the Virgin Mary is believed to be bleeding from its rear end, inspiring faithful parishioners to flock from miles around to be healed by the miraculous blood.
Eventually, Pope Benedict XVI is called in to investigate, whereupon he determines that the statue is actually menstruating and thus is nothing special.
“A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle,” the pope declares in the episode. “Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time.”
Comedy Central appeased the group by removing the episode from a scheduled rerun and possibly even permanently. I thought it sounded pretty funny so I got my hands on the episode. It starts with the kids mocking an Asian man’s accent then features a drunk father driving the kids home. He instructs one of the kids to hold the wheel so he can urinate in a bottle. He gets pulled over and arrested and later forces his eight-year-old kid to drive so he doesn’t violate the terms of his DUI. It’s one incident after another where characters’ behavior either inflict or have the potential to inflict harm on others and the Catholic group bitches about a female statue miraculously undergoing a natural biological process. Maybe they were upset because it was such an accurate portrayal of the type of believers who will pay $28,000 for a grilled cheese sandwich that appears to have the Virgin Mary on its crust.
Everybody’s entitled to complain when they’re not happy about something. If I couldn’t, this blog would be empty. It just seems to me that with the sort of resources these groups have, perhaps they should focus their energies on more productive endeavors, like getting Jerry Falwell’s bigoted ministries off the airways. At the very least, I hope tv stations will stop placating these morons and realize sin is in!
Thou Shall Not Lie (If You’re Bad At It)
I had lunch with Dad yesterday and he mentioned he had to pick Mom up from the hospital later in the afternoon.
“Mom’s in the hospital?” I asked.
He answered, “Oh, thought I told everybody. She’s been in since we got back from our trip.”
Nice to know how easily I’m forgotten in the information loop. It reminds me of the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry’s mom died and nobody notified him because they didn’t want to ruin his trip to New York. Then they told him how great the funeral was! Hilarious. Whether Dad not telling me was accidental or intentional, I really can’t blame him. The last time Mom was in the hospital I didn’t know about it for several days because I never checked my phone messages (I hate the phone that much).
Anyway, when the folks left China, Mom was sick but didn’t tell the authorities because she and Dad didn’t want to get stuck over there. As soon as they returned, she went to the doctor, barely said the word “China” then was wrapped in a face mask and sent to another hospital to test for Bird Flu (“They haven’t heard a peep from her,” was Dad’s contribution). Looks like she’s fine.
I was shocked by my parents’ dishonesty. They are the most honest people I’ve ever encountered- honest to a fault. They’re the type who would turn me in if they knew I’d done something wrong. Maybe these weren’t the best circumstances for them to begin a life of deceit, but I was sort of proud of them. Frankly, I think lying has gotten too bad of a rap. Not that I condone lying, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s inherently bad the way religions have made it out to be. There are times when DIShonesty is the best policy. Like when a little child can’t sleep because she’s afraid somebody will break into the house and kill her. Do you tell her, “Well, it’s a possibility and it does seem to happen quite a bit, but it hasn’t happened in this neighborhood yet, so you’re probably safe?” No, you tell her it could never ever happen so that she can have some peace of mind. Let’s face it, if she ever finds out you lied, she probably won’t be able to call you on it.
Right now my sister is utilizing the most effective lie ever created to incite good behavior in other human beings: the ‘ol “Santa doesn’t bring gifts to kids who act up” lie. Pure genius! For a few glorious weeks, kids around the world do their homework and chores, they don’t try to kill their siblings and they don’t backtalk their parents. All out of the fear they won’t get Christmas presents. Life in the month of December is the closest we’ll ever get to Utopia. Don’t tell me that particular fib’s a bad thing.
But I wonder how Christians rationalize the whole Santa lie. I know they do because the lines to sit on Santa’s lap are way too long to all be atheists. As far as I know, there aren’t any clauses in the Ten Commandments to allow for little white lies. Perhaps it’s because there wasn’t enough room on the tablet to explain special circumstances or maybe it’s because its dictates were set in stone (hey, is that where that expression comes from)? I just don’t understand how people can subscribe to a particular religion with its plethora of rules when they can’t even abide by the top ten list. It’s the reason I want to smack people who list “honesty” as one of the most important traits in themselves and in others. They’re so full of shit.
I’ve told my share of lies over the years- mostly to the CHP- sometimes to protect others and sometimes to save my own ass. But I think my track record’s been pretty good as far as dishonesty not adversely affecting anybody else. I don’t need to follow the Ten Commandments when the Golden Rule sums it all up without all those unreasonable specifics.
“I’m Not Overly Discriminative”
I got into a newsgroup discussion with a guy named Douglas who wrote, “I’m not overly discriminative…”
My response to him was, “The fact that you used the word ‘overly’ makes you overly discriminative in my book.”
Douglas took offense to my comment and countered with this giant leap for the civil rights movement:
I am not going to lie to you that I dont check my locks when a black man walks near my car in the middle of a parking lot. At the same time I would defend that black man if he was being treated harshly due to racism.
I wonder how Douglas would defend him? I suppose he would drive a safe distance across the lot then roll down the window a crack and yell to the offender, “Hey! Don’t harass him for being black. He might be Jamaican.” Then floor it.
Douglas, who’s not overly discriminative- he’s appropriately discriminative, you know, Bible-thumping discriminative, which is fine- went on to say:
I have family friends who are gay. Morally I dont agree with their lifestyle, but morally I am to love them.
After rolling my eyes, I questioned whether his gay so-called “friends” know about his beliefs and still consider him a friend? He answered that you can disagree with a person’s lifestyle choices and still care about them.
CHOICES? There are still people out there who believe homosexuality is a choice?! “Shall I try bungee jumping or anal sex with another man? Hmmm…” This guy’s probably watched enough Michael Jackson footage to believe that being black is a choice as well.
The scariest part for me was that the other people who joined in the discussion supported Douglas’ viewpoint. I don’t know if it’s because the majority of readers of that newsgroup are still stuck in a 19th century mindset or if it’s because the readers capable of rational thought realized it’s pointless to try to talk some sense into a bunch of ignoramuses.
I’m willing to consider the possibility that all the dissention means that perhaps there’s some flaw in my views. But how can anybody, particularly those who claim to be “good Christians,” think they’re in any position to judge somebody else as immoral for actions that hurt nobody?
So, no, I’m not wrong. They’re bigoted. I guess I should be content they’re not overly bigoted.
