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My Hand, My Wishes

On Monday's finale of The Bachelorette, a big deal was made over her suitors asking for her father's permission to propose to her, an archaic tradition I can't believe is still practiced. It made sense back in olden days when a marriage meant the loss of a good farmhand or butter churner but in today's age of food processors and women living on their own for a good while before marrying, it's rather insulting to the woman. Asking for the father's permission suggests that the father has control over his daughter's life and subsequently, the husband will be in control. Fuck that. I don't want anybody thinking he's the boss of me and ...

Signs My Date Is Too Young For Me

The first time I ever heard of The Jonas Brothers was on Christmas, when my niece-in-law (is that a term? It's my brother-in-law's niece) was bopping around to their music on her mp3 player so I had a listen. They sing that freakishly catchy music that I'll never seek out but if I ever hear it on the radio I'm sure I'll find myself singing it for hours afterward. Since then, I've come across several pictures of the teenyboppers and I'm afraid to find out how old they are because the future hotness potential of the middle one makes me a little warm. Is it wrong to have impure thoughts about a youngun' as ...

Breaking Up Is Easy To Do

I just watched the Bizarro Jerry episode of Seinfeld, the one in which Jerry breaks up with a gorgeous woman because she has "man hands." It's one of many seemingly ridiculous reasons for why Jerry stops seeing women and it got me thinking about some of my own Seinfeldian excuses for calling it quits. I already described the time I walked out on a guy because he thought a stupid t-shirt was funny and figured I'd share a few other doozies: 1) Guy threw trash on the floor at a theatre- My first job was working at a movie theatre so I'm not a big fan of the people who leave their cups and boxes on the floor, but ...

Going Dutch (Nazi Style)

I've had my share of bad dating experiences but this guy is in a class all his own: Darren Sherman He's so insane it's funny.

My Online Dating Experience

I'm out of town right now with a dial-up connection that makes me want to kill myself. How did I ever cope before DSL? Since I can't bear to deal with this anymore, I'm not going to be posting for awhile. Instead, I'll direct you to my secret blog... Last fall, it sort of hit me that my "go out and meet dudes" friends had long-ago moved away (or gone into rehab) and great eligible bachelors were not going to magically appear in my apartment so I decided to give Match.com a try. It was actually my second attempt on Match, having tried it for a month several years ago. I picked a really bad time to join- just before ...

Maybe He Wanted A Blow Career

I noticed he wore a wedding band. Not that I was interested, but it told me he's either Sleazy Cheater Guy or Waste My Time Guy. But I held out hope he was that golden bar creature: Rich Drink Buyer Who Doesn't Even Make A Pass Guy.

The Joke’s On Me

While some readers sympathized about my last date, as a 5'10" female standup comic, I guess I should consider myself fortunate to get any dates at all: Funny Women Are A Turn Off Men are intimidated, research says New research has found truth in the old stereotype that most men find funny women a turn-off. Scientists say women who tell jokes are seen as a threat, undermining men's idea that they should hold the dominant role. Hundreds of men and women in their twenties were questioned by academics. Most said they found a sense of humour to be attractive in women - but when asked if they would want to be with a woman who cracked jokes herself, more than half said no. Dr ...

I (Middle Finger) My Date

When a guy doesn't buy me a drink, he's basically saying to me, "I never want to see you again." Ok, maybe that's not what he's saying, but that's what I'm hearing and that's exactly what's going to happen.

Online Dating Fiasco

I have to confess, I did something really stupid. I figured I'd give online dating a shot and decided to sign up at Match.com. I paid my non-refundable membership fees and waited for the emails to pour in. Apparently I didn't read the fine print and it turns out I signed up at misMatch.com. I don't want my money to go to waste so I've decided to make the best of it. Below are the profiles they sent me. Let me know if you think any would suit me. Bachelor #1 Bachelor #2 Bachelor #3 [tags]online+dating, internet+dating, personals, match, gag+profiles, bachelor, single, dating[/tags]

Sexual Claims

I was hanging out with a group of mostly friends and some girl I don't know mentioned that she dated (or maybe just fucked) Robbie Knievel, Evel Knievel's son. When she left, one of the guys scoffed, "Well, who's knows if that's really true." I said, "OF COURSE it's true. Who's going to lie about screwing Robbie Knievel?" I guess he thought she was attempting to impress the group, as if Robbie Knievel was actually somebody. He's merely the son of a guy who achieved tv fame at a time when there were only 12 channels (the "u" channel didn't count) and the other viewing options were a couple of PBS telethons and seven stations of static. I have no idea what ...

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