Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots » Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Virtual Bullet

Jenée — Thu, 12 Jan 2006 16:36:00 +0000

I previously explained my idea for Common Sense Law, which I will implement when I’m president. Today I’d like to share with you a plan that I believe will increase revenue while reducing crime and people’s blood pressure at the same time: The Virtual Bullet.

We all have instances when people aggravate us so much we just want to blow their heads off. For whatever reason we don’t- for most it’s because it’s immoral, for some it’s because it’s illegal and for others it’s because their local Wal-Mart has already closed for the evening. It doesn’t matter what your reason is, the Virtual Bullet will let you stick it to someone guilt-free!

Here’s how it works: On January 1st of each year, every person who paid taxes for the previous year will receive their Virtual Bullet in the form of a red, white and blue toy gun. It will be easily identifiable to ensure it’s not seen and met with actual gunfire, which is crucial for people cruising through South Central Los Angeles or high school corridors.

When a person decides to use his Virtual Bullet, he aims it at the recipient and pulls the trigger. The toy gun will emit a distinct popping sound, which is strictly for the amusement of the shooter and any possible witnesses. At the same time, the gun will take a photo of the “victim.” If the intended happens to be a telephone customer service rep., the shooter can simply shoot the gun toward his phone, making sure the date, time and phone number are visible.

Once the bullet has been expended, the happy taxpayer then submits the gun, a brief form and a $30 processing fee. The small fee is necessary to ensure the submittor is serious about taking down the offender plus the shooter will get a framed copy of the picture they took. On the flip side, anybody who doesn’t use their Virtual Bullet throughout the year will receive a $100 refund on their next year’s taxes (Virtual Bullets can not be carried over to the following year). This incentive will prevent drunk revelers from haphazardly using up their Virtual Bullets on New Year’s Eve.

Naturally, there are some rules and exceptions.

The gunfire has to be a result of a personal interaction with the “victim” (this will prevent people from taking potshots at their favorite female president). Thus the camera inside.

Due to the volatile nature of certain professions, workers in those fields will be given a two-bullet grace period before receiving penalties. Those professions include: DMV workers, meter maids, public prosecutors, prison staffers, casino dealers, customer service reps and anyone employed by the Osbourne family.

One shot, one kill. No repeat shootings from the same individual are allowed in subsequent years. This rule is necessary primarily because of the rising divorce rate.

The Virtual Bullet becomes null and void if a person pumps an actual bullet into someone.

On to the punishments. It doesn’t matter what sort of infraction occurred, if someone pisses off another person to such an extent that the offended waives a refund and opts to pay a fee, the bullet recipient’s paying the price.

Punishments for bullets received over a three year period:

First bullet (“It’s only a flesh wound”): Person pays a $50 fine.

2-4 bullets (“It’s an Iraqi Freedom Soldier”): Person pays a $50 fine and performs 10 hours of community service. These penalties double with each infraction.

5-9 bullets (“It’s Fiddy Cents”): Person must wear the lime green “I’m an asshole” armband in public for six months for each bullet over four (yeah, I’m big on public humiliation). He or she must also attend relevant decency courses such as “Guides for Following the Golden Rule,” and “Learning Why Your Power Trip Infuriates Your Subordinates” and “How to Keep Your Dick out of Another Woman’s Vagina.”

10+ bullets (“It’s freakin’ Jason”): Person will spend one month for each bullet received at a work/reform camp. The campers’ schedule will alternate between receiving guidance from Buddhist monks toward finding inner peace and receiving intense beratement from experienced aggravators (like Courtney Love and mothers-in-law) to break them down completely. The various camps will be taped at all times and the footage will be packaged as reality programs for the new 24 hour “Dead Man Walking” channel.

Sure there are a few kinks that need to be worked out, but I believe there are countless benefits to the Virtual Bullet. The biggest being that people could no longer treat others like crap and repeatedly get away with it scot free. Finally, they would be held accountable and THEIR victims would get a little satisfaction.

Don’t forget:
Vote “yes” on the Virtual Bullet
Vote “yes” on Common Sense Law

Tags: common+sense, virtual+bullet, courtney+love, dead+man+walking, fiddy+cents, osbournes, tax+payers

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Common Sense Law

Jenée — Sat, 10 Dec 2005 21:43:00 +0000

Regular readers may have gathered that I watch a lot of tv. The reason being that I spend half my day “working” Internet poker (“playing” makes it sound like it’s all fun and games, which it sometimes isn’t). I usually have four or five tables going at once and that still isn’t enough to hold my attention so watching the tube is the only other activity I can enjoy at the same time. Lots of people like to say, “TV kills your brain cells.” That’s probably a good thing. I think losing a few IQ points would make others less sufferable.

I rag on idiots all the time here, but the fact is, I’m jealous of them. If I had my choice to start all over, I’d come back as a raging moron. Stupid people are too stupid to realize how lucky they’ve got it. Idiots don’t flinch when people butcher the English language, they don’t shake in frustration when others can’t follow simple instructions, and they don’t look around for sharp aerodynamic objects when the cashier for a long line has to stop all movement every time her mouth opens (which is frequently). Jessica Simpson’s got it better than anybody on the planet. She’s a stupid girl surrounded by smart people who make all the important decisions for her. THAT is the good life.

I don’t think it’s fair that the imbeciles have it so easy while the rest of us must suffer. That’s why, when I’m president (I don’t think I’ve mentioned it here, but I’m going to be President of the U.S. someday), I plan to implement a policy that will make cohabitation with idiots more tolerable. I call the policy The Common Sense Act.

Here’s how it works: every citizen would be required to declare themselves as either CSR (Common Sense Ready) or ASS (All Simple Senses). Naturally, there are pros and cons to each. Life won’t change too drastically for the CSR, but it will for the ASS. Since the ASS need to be easily identifiable to the rest of us, they will be required to wear the official ASS hot pink fanny pack at all times. In addition, their vehicle must be outfitted with the hot pink ASS bumper. Not a sticker, a bumper.

CSR will be required to cut ASS some slack on stupid actions. For instance, if you’re behind an ASS who’s driving too slow in the fast lane, you can not honk at them but will have to go around (unless you too are an ASS, in which case you are allowed to honk continuously until you inevitably crash into the other car). ASS are permitted to send emails with the subject, “Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Horse sex video.” CSR have a one “Fwd” maximum and must use the BCC option for all recipients. ASS are allowed to remain in physically/verbally/mentally abusive relationships. CSR have one month to get out.

Right now, being an ASS probably sounds pretty good, but there are some drawbacks. For example, if an ASS goes to a restaurant and orders a 16 oz filet mignon, the waiter would see the fanny pack and could decide to bring the ASS an 8 oz pork loin instead. In all likelihood, the ASS won’t notice the difference, but if she does, she can only complain and/or get her order fixed if she can give a good estimate of how much 8 oz is and if she can correctly name which animals each cut of meat comes from (if she pronouned the “g” in “mignon” when ordering, there’s no second chance and she’ll have to eat whatever she gets). Basically, there’s no punishment for a CSR taking advantage of an ASS but the CSR must resolve the situation if the ASS figures out the scam.

So that gives you an idea of how Common Sense law would work. But being categorized as CSR is a privillege that can easily be revoked. The punishments for a CSR exemplifying ASS behavior are as follows:

For the first offense, you will be required to attend Common Sense Training Seminars, the length of studies depends on the severity of the infraction. There you will learn basic life lessons like, “If someone says it’s hot…….. don’t touch it” and “If it’s red and bumpy…….. don’t touch it” (a good rule of thumb applicable to everything but strawberries).

For the second infraction, you will be sent to Common Sense Boot Camp. There you will be required to renounce all religious and political affiliations, the hope being that by removing the indoctrinations of others, it will jumpstart neurological activity within your own brain.

Third strike you’re outfitted with your hot pink fanny pack.

You will be eligible for reevaluation each year, except in extreme cases (like Anna Nicole Smith) who are eligible for reevaluation one year after the first witnessed incident of any sort of CSR behavior. I truly believe this will encourage people to use common sense on a regular basis. Those who choose not to, will be at the mercy of the CSR.

Don’t forget, vote “yes” on the Common Sense Act.

Tags: common+sense, anna+nicole+smith, jessica+simpson, fanny+pack

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