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Paris Is Still In Jail (Updates Hourly)

I spoke to my sister last night and she asked why I haven't written about the Paris Hilton fiasco. The fact is, I've tried. I started to write about her going into jail, then I went to get a glass of water and when I came back she was out. So then I started a post about her being out of jail, then I sneezed and she was back in. It's all happening too fast for a Parisite like myself to keep up. So I finally got smart and signed up for Paris' PMS (Private Messaging System). Now, I get instant updates text messaged to my cell phone about everything ...

Sketch (Artist) Comedy At Its Best

Off the TelePrompTer: "Police are asking for the public's help in finding this man accused of raping three interns here at channel 7 news. He is an African-American male who's approximately 12 inches from the chest up. Witnesses describe him as well-dressed with excellent diction and say he might be wearing some sort of hearing device. Police have absolutely no clue as to his identity or his whereabouts. After all, they're the LAPD." [tags]lapd, channel seven news anchor, rapist, african american, kabc, marc brown[/tags]

A Perfect Union

My sister sent me the following pictures with the caption "Tennessee Wedding." While I don't have definitive proof that the wedding took place in Tennessee, I think the evidence speaks for itself: “Brad and Angelina's kid won't have anything on our offspring." (Including that extra chromosome).

The New Monopoly

Bad time to get lonely on a business trip- that hooker has a dick. And a badge. Go directly to jail.

Online Dating Fiasco

I have to confess, I did something really stupid. I figured I'd give online dating a shot and decided to sign up at Match.com. I paid my non-refundable membership fees and waited for the emails to pour in. Apparently I didn't read the fine print and it turns out I signed up at misMatch.com. I don't want my money to go to waste so I've decided to make the best of it. Below are the profiles they sent me. Let me know if you think any would suit me. Bachelor #1 Bachelor #2 Bachelor #3 [tags]online+dating, internet+dating, personals, match, gag+profiles, bachelor, single, dating[/tags]

Happy (Last) Birthday

This morning, California executed a guy minutes after his 76th birthday ended. I can't help but wonder how his final visitors handled the situation. Did they wish him a happy birthday? Did they bring him gifts? (If so, did they keep the receipts)? Hallmark claims to have "cards for every occasion" but I've never seen a "condemned loved one" section in the greeting card aisle. I can only guess this is what some of his cards said: Front: On this, your birthday, remember... Inside: Live each day like it's your last! Front: Who would have thought you'd reach the ripe old age of 76? Inside: Certainly not 12 former jurors Front: At your age, don't think of it as having one foot in ...

Sexual Claims

I was hanging out with a group of mostly friends and some girl I don't know mentioned that she dated (or maybe just fucked) Robbie Knievel, Evel Knievel's son. When she left, one of the guys scoffed, "Well, who's knows if that's really true." I said, "OF COURSE it's true. Who's going to lie about screwing Robbie Knievel?" I guess he thought she was attempting to impress the group, as if Robbie Knievel was actually somebody. He's merely the son of a guy who achieved tv fame at a time when there were only 12 channels (the "u" channel didn't count) and the other viewing options were a couple of PBS telethons and seven stations of static. I have no idea what ...

Sexiest Man Alive

People magazine has declared Matthew McConaughey its "Sexiest Man Alive." I can't help but wonder what happened to last year's winner. Did he let the title go to his head, gain 40 pounds and discontinue his hair plug treatments? Did he show up at a premiere in a turquoise Members Only jacket? Was he bumped off by one of this year's hungry contenders? That begs the question: is it really necessary to include the word "alive" in the title? I can't imagine there would be a lot of reader backlash when their favorite 14th century poet doesn't win. I just don't understand how someone can be anointed with a superlative like "Sexiest Man Alive" and never win it two years ...

99 Cent Store Gift Card

While shopping at the $.99 Store (because I make the big bucks), I noticed they have a gift card available for purchase. Now first of all, I think receiving any gift card is a little awkward. It's as if the giver is saying, "I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I'm afraid you'd spend cash on booze and gambling." But a gift card to the $.99 Store just says, "I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I know you don't mind crap." So of course I had to buy one for my friend- and I only wanted to put $.98 on it. The problem is, you have to buy it for $9.99 so I tried explaining to the ...

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