Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Health Care, Not Health I Don’t Care

I think it’s time for me to finally weigh in with my expert opinion on the health care issue. I’m comfortable calling myself an expert on the topic because it’s evident that a person doesn’t need to know anything about the facts of the proposed health care to be considered an authority. And actually, the crazier you sound and the more wildly you distort the facts, the better your chances are of getting your own show on Fox.

Specifically, I want to address the issue of whether the government should provide free/affordable health care. OF COURSE IT SHOULD. And not just health care insurance, our government should make adequate health care available to its citizens for free. It doesn’t have to be great– the waiting rooms can have hard seats and 20-year-old issues of Highlights– but it should get the job done.

There are two major complaints I hear about the health care issue. The first is that the U.S. can’t afford it. The government provides free education, free security, free legal services and even free room and board if you’re so inclined to rob a bank or have a few ounces of pot in your possession (though it’s only short-term housing if you molest a child). Why should health care be some sort of luxury?

The fact is, the United States is rich but we spend like a rapper after his first hit single. Our nation sends billions of dollars in aid to other countries each year, let’s start helping out the people at home. Perhaps some smaller examples of how we spend our money will put it into perspective. Early this year, our government spent over $300K to fly Air Force One low through New York City, scaring the crap out of everybody, for a stupid photo op. Apparently nobody at the Pentagon knows they could have accomplished the same thing with Photoshop for a total cost of about $500.

Even more recently, Los Angeles spent $1.4 million of taxpayer dollars on the Michael Jackson memorial. Concert promoter AEG donated the $90K it earned from the event to the city and do you think that money will offset the cost? Nope. It’s going toward a $620K memorial wall to fallen L.A. police officers. That’s not a typo. It’s a brass wall that costs over half a million dollars. A Facebook group dedicated to the officers costs nothing and would probably attract more visitors. If that’s not enough, perhaps the city could instead give $620K cash to the fallen officer’s families so they can afford the private health care insurance they probably lost when their husband/wife/parent died.

It seems like on the rare occasion when the government does make cuts, I’m the one who gets screwed. I recently reported for jury duty and during orientation I learned it was Juror Appreciation Week. I immediately reached under my seat hoping to feel a key but then I heard those unfortunate words, “Due to cutbacks…” You know what they gave us? A mechanical pencil. And they didn’t even give it to us until the end of the day because apparently they were afraid too many people would show up for jury duty to score that free fucking pencil.

The second complaint I hear a lot about the health care issue is sort of a variation on the first. It’s the ‘ol “Why should my money go toward other people’s health insurance? Maybe they should get jobs that pay better” argument. Anybody who feels that way should take it upon themselves to force people out of their cushy minimum wage jobs. Stop supporting establishments that pay their employees substandard wages and stop employing Juanita who cleans your house for six hours for 50 bucks. Force businesses to bump up their pay rates so their employees can afford to purchase their own health insurance without government assistance. Once that happens, you can wash that $20 Big Mac down with a $10 coke, satisfied with the knowledge that your tax dollars aren’t being spent to cover someone else’s health insurance.

Joe The Turkey Killer

This video of Sarah Palin presiding over a turkey pardoning is all over the place today but here it is for anybody who hasn’t seen it. Right around the two minute mark, the contrast between Palin’s words and the action behind her is priceless. You know the folks at Saturday Night Live are crying over the fact that this video didn’t come out before the election. Joe the Turkey Killer is way more entertaining than Joe the Plumber.

A Bittersweet Election

I never thought I’d ever take as much of an interest in an election as I did this one and I never imagined that the outcome would move me to tears but I did get a bit misty-eyed last night. First I experienced tears of joy listening to the inspiring acceptance speech of a President-elect I truly believe will improve the quality of life for the majority in this country and will improve our standing on the international stage (fortunately, my curiosity over who was the white guy Oprah was hanging all over prevented me from being a total blubbering idiot). And I was thoroughly warmed to know that the American voters have progressed to the point of accepting a black person as Commander in Chief. The cheers I heard on the streets all night were beyond anything I’ve heard even on Superbowl Sunday. How cool is that for a political election? Obama’s victory confirmed that the American dream is alive and well for everybody (even if it’s only worth a fraction of what the Chinese dream is worth).

But unfortunately I later learned that people haven’t made as much progress as I thought so the American dream isn’t alive for everybody. I shed a few tears of sadness when it was certain that gay marriage bans passed in all 11 states where they were on the ballots, reminding me that a lot of ignorance and hatred still exists. It was particularly disappointing that Prop 8 passed in California, where I thought people were more tolerant of alternative lifestyles. I guess I should look on the positive side that 4.76 million people in the state voted in support of equal rights for everybody and that I’m not aware of a single friend who voted against that.

There was further disappointment when I learned the decriminalization of prostitution was shot down in San Francisco. It’s not like I’m a big proponent of sex-for-hire, it’s more an issue of logic to me. However, I was pleased to hear about some progress in a few states:

• Marijuana reforms passed in Massachusetts and Michigan (I’m all for legalizing and taxing pot as I am for prostitution).

• Washington became the second state to approve physician-assisted suicide. I have the horrible suspicion I’m going to live a long life and that all the crap I’ve done to my body will catch up with me so I’d like to know I have a few options when I think the party’s over.

• Nebraska voters approved a ban on race- and gender-based affirmative action. I don’t support preferential treatment based on gender or race any more than I support discrimination.

My disposition was improved throughout the night by watching Fox News and hearing anchor after anchor come up with ridiculous excuses as to why Obama won– that station is pure comedy, which is why it’s always my news channel of choice the three times a year when I actually turn on tv news. I have faith that Obama will prove his detractors wrong and live up to his hype and that he’ll be able to convince the countless moronic McCain supporters who still think he’s a Muslim, Socialist, terrorist-lovin’ Arab that he’s in fact what he says he is. And I predict that Obama will go down as the greatest President of my lifetime.

So I’d just like to say to President-elect Barack Obama: dude, don’t fuck this up.

Barack The Vote

NO on 4.

NO NO NO on 8 (don’t even come back to my site if you vote “yes”).

YES YES YES OMIGOD I’M COMING on Obama.

Do it. And get your free cup of coffee from Starbucks on the way home.

Election ‘08: The Issues

As promised in my last post, here are some of the issues surrounding this election that I wanted to discuss:

Republicans vs. Democrats- I recently had the epiphany that the Republican party is all very ME, ME, ME oriented. It’s all about “what *I* want” or how policies “will affect ME.” The Republican stance is that if they don’t like something, they don’t want anybody else to do it either. I don’t think that’s a sound attitude for our nation. I don’t like abortion (and I’m the first to encourage people to double up on birth control methods to avoid it) but I support other people’s right to choose. I despise organized religion but I support other people’s choice to worship in peace. There’s no smart reason to keep a gun in the home but I support people’s right to do so. Then there’s the hypocrisy of the party. Republicans deride Democrats for wasting money providing assistance to the less fortunate but when wealthier homeowners are in a bit of trouble, they’ve got no problem dropping $700 billion to help. Sometimes it’s best to set aside selfish desires for the greater good and the Republican stance just doesn’t do that.

Obama’s race- Everybody talks about the fact that Obama would be the first black president but I’ve yet to hear anybody mention that he would also be the 44th white president. And the dude is actually pretty white– that photo above only took me about two minutes to make because it didn’t require much color matching. He’s as white as I am. I definitely like the fact that he’s more black than other president before, I just think it’s a bit of a slight to the white mother and grandparents who raised him to ignore the fact that he’s just as much white as he is black.

Taxes- I used to believe that everybody should pay the same percentage in taxes but in the last year I’ve changed my stance on this. I realized that everybody has the same number of hours in a week and that the person earning $1 million per year isn’t necessarily working any harder than the person earning $30 thousand per year. I believe there’s a certain amount of luck that comes with earning a massive salary and that the phrase “it takes money to make money” is very true. We’re turning into a nation without a middle class and that needs to change. If I were rolling in more than $250 thousand per year, I wouldn’t have a problem paying a larger share so I’m quite happy to endorse Obama’s tax plan.

Health care- The one area I actually agree with McCain on is that insurance benefits provided by an employer should be taxed. Why not? An individual who pays for insurance is buying it with money that’s already been taxed so why shouldn’t insurance that’s paid for by a person’s company also be taxed? But beyond that, I think Obama’s plan for overhauling the health insurance industry is significantly better than McCain’s.

Music choices- After McCain was slapped with a lawsuit by Jackson Browne for the unauthorized use of one of his songs in a campaign ad, FOUR more artists (Heart, John Mellencamp, Survivor and Bon Jovi) have requested the McCain campaign stop using their songs. Aren’t there any Republican musicians willing to contribute their songs for McCain’s campaign??? Maybe they can make a remix of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s screeching and make that the campaign song. I know McCain isn’t involved in song selection but it doesn’t say much for his management skills when he continues to employ whomever it is that repeatedly disrespects artists in this manner.

Dirty campaigning- It’s all so juvenile and I suspect that the people who really buy into the attacks are already in strong support of one side or the other so what’s the point? First there were the accusations that Obama is Muslim. So what if he was? We live in a nation where people believe the freedom to practice their own religion should be respected– as long as that religion is Christian. Fuck all the hypocrites who feel that way. Then there’s the silly William Ayers stuff. Should a candidate really be judged by some loose company he keeps? If Obama is guilty of palling around with terrorists, isn’t McCain guilty of palling around with a guy who pals around with terrorists? And as members of Congress, aren’t they both guilty of palling around with crooks, liars and cheats? I’d like to see the Obama camp spin the issue in their favor. After all, isn’t a Commander and Chief who can work with terrorists to organize charity events a good thing? As for Sarah Palin spending $150,000 on wardrobe and $22,000 for two weeks of makeup, that shouldn’t come as any surprise. It takes A LOT of lipstick to make a pit bull camera ready.

Hillary supporters siding with McCain- When I first heard about all the Hillary supporters who said they were going to vote for McCain out of spite to Obama for not choosing Hillary as his running mate, I realized they aren’t really Hillary supporters, they’re vagina supporters and it almost made me wish women were never given the right to vote. People who are voting for McCain for no other reason than the fact that there’s a woman on the ticket are no better than KKK members who will vote for McCain for no other reason than he’s white. It’s just icky and backward to me.

Some regional issues:

Proposition 8- Anybody who’s read my blog for any length of time knows that I’m a strong advocate for gay rights, mostly because it’s really the last form of bigotry in this country that’s not only tolerated, it’s encouraged by many top leaders. This is the California initiative to amend the constitution to define marriage as being between a man and a woman thus nullifying all the recent gay marriages. The proponents have resorted to scare tactics like saying that if Prop 8 is shot down, kids will be taught about gay marriage in schools, as if anything having to do with marriage (gay or otherwise) would suddenly be added to the curriculum. Give me a break. I beg all California residents to vote No on H8.

Proposition K- This is a San Francisco measure that would decriminalize prostitution making San Francisco the first major city in the U.S. to do so. It’s expected to save the city $11 million each year that’s spent arresting hookers. Prostitution is never going away and it’s time to wise up and legalize it, regulate it and, most importantly, TAX IT. Decriminalization is a good first step toward that so I hope folks in the SF area will support this.

Election ’08: The Players

Last week was the three year blogiversary of “People are Idiots.” Unfortunately, due to the economic crisis, we had to cancel the ticker tape parade that had been planned but in its stead I shredded up five $1 dollar bills and threw them around my room since it was cheaper than actually buying confetti.

But rather than focus on the last three years of blogging, I’m finally going to weigh in on the next four years (hopefully, eight years) of our country. I’m not a big fan of politics because I find it all terribly boring except when discussed by John Stewart or Stephen Colbert. However, this time around I actually watched all the debates and since that’s about eight hours of redundancy I can never get back, I’d like to offer my opinions in two parts. The first is on the players and the second will be on some of the issues.

The Players:

Barrack Obama- My previous choices for president have been quite simple for me because there’s always been one guy who’s clearly an oppressive bigot so my vote has always gone to the other guy by default (needless to say, I’ve always voted for Democratic presidential candidates). But this time I’m supporting a candidate that I truly think is awesome. I finally understand the enthusiasm people felt toward John F. Kennedy (senior, that is. I always understood the enthusiasm for JFK Jr.) It’s hard to not like Obama, no matter what your political beliefs are. I believe even KKK members are thinking, “Well, he IS half white…” which is a refreshing “glass is half full” approach to prejudice. The beauty of this election is that I already know he’s going to win. It’s not simply because of what the media’s reporting but because there are members of my faithful Republican family who are going to vote for Obama. That’s all the polling I need. Go Obama!!!

Joe Biden- The Veep debate instilled a bit of confidence that Biden’s a competent selection for V.P. though it felt like he was towing the company line as a reluctant supporter of some of Obama’s policies. He should be fine as V.P. but I don’t want him to be in a position to assume the presidency.

John McCain- No politician is to be trusted but I REALLY don’t trust McCain. All he seems to understand is how to make the rich richer and how to make the military stronger and I fear his approach to both of these matters will be even more aggressive and detrimental than Bush’s. And one thing that really bugged me in the debates (besides his creepy smile) is the way he repeatedly turned around Obama’s words even when Obama made himself quite clear about his tax and health plans. I can’t stand it when people do that. McCain excels at doublespeak and I hope people won’t be fooled by it. For instance, he keeps saying that potential Supreme Court justices wouldn’t be put to any litmus test on issues like Roe v. Wade- he just wants to find qualified candidates. But he let it slip at the last debate that somebody who supports Roe v. Wade probably wouldn’t fit his definition of “qualified.” McCain is bullshit in a crusty old package.

Sarah Palin- I’ll start with the only compliments I can pay her, which are that she gave a decent performance on SNL and she was a good sport about it and that she’s an attractive woman so I’m sure when her V.P. aspirations don’t pan out she’ll have a lucrative Playboy offer to mull over. Yeah, that sums up the niceties I have for her. When I first heard that McCain selected her as his running mate I was excited to know that come January, either a woman or a black was going to be in the White House. But the more I’ve learned about her, the already-weak McCain ticket became much weaker to me. While most people seem to have a problem with her lack of experience, I don’t. Given the choice between an experienced candidate with poor vision and a smart, inexperienced candidate with great vision, I’ll take the latter. Unfortunately, Palin is an inexperienced candidate with such piss poor vision she thinks she can see Russia from her breakfast nook. Palin in the White House is such a bad idea that I’m sure when the concept was pitched to Disney as a movie (hockey mom with the hokey “Fargo” accent running for V.P.- you KNOW it’s been pitched before), even those crap regurgitators turned it down because it was too far-fetched.

Hillary Clinton- Since I’m not entirely sure she’s totally withdrawn from the race, I’ll give her a shout out. I wouldn’t have been disappointed if she’d won the nomination because policy-wise, she’s pretty close to Obama. The main reasons why I prefer Obama to her is that I trust him more and I like that he’s a relative newcomer to the Washington scene. For most of my life, two families have sat in the White House and I think it’s time for some new blood. Sorry Hill.

Joe the Plumber- The funniest thing to me about Joe the Plumber is that based on what we’ve learned about him since McCain dragged him into the last debate is that it sounds like he’s somebody who will prosper under Obama’s tax plan, not McCain’s. But enough about Joe the Plumber and Joe Six Pack. What I want to know is why isn’t anybody talking about Joe Shmoe and what he’s been through over the last eight years?

Barack Obama: Son Of A…

Forget about race or gender, when this happens we’ll know our nation has truly made progress:

Put A Bounty On The Senate’s Brains

Today the Senate voted 87-1 to double the price of the bounty on Osama bin Laden’s head to $50 million. That means all but one person on the Senate are under the belief that an extra $25 million might make the difference in finding bin Laden, as if the first $25 million just wasn’t enough of an incentive for somebody. Who do they think has information as to his whereabouts? Oprah Winfrey? Forget about the money. I think most people would turn in their own mother just to do an interview with Oprah.

Come to think of it, the one holdout probably wanted to triple the bounty. Our country is so screwed.

SURE…When *I* Make Money, Game Over

For months people have been asking me what I would do if the online gaming bill (Unlawful Internet Gambling Enforcement Act of 2006) passed and I said I wasn’t going to worry about it until it happened. Well, barring the immediate discovery of naughty emails sent from George Dubya to underage male interns, it’s a done deal. So now it’s time to worry about it.

The fact that it’s soon to be law is not a reason I would stop playing Internet poker. There are moral laws then there are the intrusive laws of people with their own agendas. In case there’s any question as to which kind the online gaming bill is, let me point out that state-run lotteries and horse racing are exempt from the bill. The bill’s concerns over the hardships caused by gambling addiction apparently don’t apply when the states are the ones profiting.

How will the law affect me? It might not. The gist of the bill is that it will be illegal for financial institutions and credit card companies to give money to online gaming sites. As it is now, most banks and credit cards won’t allow you to purchase funds at gambling sites. Players deposit funds through other online money transfer companies like Neteller or Firepay. And there’s still some question whether or not these offshore companies will be affected by the bill. Additionally, the bill focuses on furnishing funds to gambling sites, which I don’t do. I leave a certain amount in my account at all times and withdraw the rest.

The most likely way the law will affect me is if the number of players drastically decreases. Currently, Americans make up more than half the gaming market. And I’m inclined to believe it’s the casual players who will jump ship while the more accomplished ones stick around. The people who play “just for fun” are the suckers, I mean they’re the reason, I can make a living doing this.

For right now, it’s business as usual. Worst case scenario I’ve got nine months to create a fabulous “Will go all in for food” sign. Hey! That could lead me to my next career.

I Shall Name The Fetus Veto Cordleonlygoinginthetrash

As a big “fuck you, you stupid ignorant fool” to Bush for his stem cell bill veto, I’ve decided to get pregnant and have an abortion. If anybody knows how I can contact George Clooney for assistance in this important political endeavor, please let me know.

Also, if you haven’t already seen video of Bush at the G8 summit dinner, it’s below. I have absolutely no problem with our president cursing in front of other world leaders- in fact I like it. But you have to wonder about the sort of people Bush has surrounded himself by that apparently nobody has ever had the guts to say to him, “Dude, close your mouth when you eat. You look like a damn horse chewing peanut butter.”

(Better quality available at CNN)

Progress Instead of Protest

A whopping 500,000 people turned out for yesterday’s immigration reform protest in Los Angeles, causing major gridlock at freeway offramps as drivers wondered where else they could buy fresh oranges (COME ON!*).

Imagine if those 500,000 instead spent just one day in Mexico trying to make a difference there. Some could teach classes in their areas of expertise while others built houses with Habitat for Humanity. They could all plug money into the Mexican economy and inform the pint-size entrepreneurs that it doesn’t matter how sad and pathetic they make themselves appear, Americans don’t want Chicklets. Time to update the merchandise.

For all the discussion of people wanting to come to America for a better life, many seem to forget that Mexico’s not some wasteland ruled by a cruel dictator. It’s a good country with great potential. If the US could succeed in sending even a few million illegal Mexicans home, their greatest revenge would be to turn their own country around to the extent that they have to expel illegal Americans.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

*Said in the style of GOB from Arrested Development

Border Line Ridiculous

I need some assistance. I’ve read a bunch of news stories on a particular topic and either the reporters left out important details, or I’m simply missing something. According to the stories, thousands of people in several cities are protesting a bill that:

…Calls for tough border security and enforcement measures and would make it a federal crime, instead of a civil offense, for undocumented workers to live in the country.

If I’m to understand this correctly, they’re protesting a bill that would make it illegal to be here illegally. Is that right? Am I close? If I am, I’m unclear about what they’re protesting. I’m certainly no expert on how or why some people get to reside here legally, but I did take the time to review the US Citizenship and Immigration Services website. While the steps required for legalization are by no means easy, they seem reasonably attainable for anybody who really wants to work and live here.

There’s a protest planned for today in downtown LA that I’m tempted to attend but they expect about a hundred thousand protestors. Not only do I hate big crowds, I strongly suspect it’s all a trap from INS and an enormous net’s going to fall from the skyscrapers gathering everybody up. Plus, with everybody protesting, I don’t know who would park my car (COME ON! You were all thinking it).

The fact is, there aren’t a lot of illegal aliens who pay income tax and they shouldn’t benefit from the services afforded by those who do. Perhaps the US needs to improve or speed up the legalization process but that’s a different issue. I certainly don’t think we should relax any standards requiring legal immigrants to be productive members of society. I know the Statue of Liberty says, “Give us your tired your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…” but it’s about time for the US to stand up and say, “Hey, the French wrote that as some kinda joke. We didn’t expect you all to take it so literally.”

Bushit

bu’shit (bsht)
n.

1.The crap that comes out of our president’s mouth.

Today in Afghanistan, George Dubya asserted that when it comes to Osama Bin Laden and Taliban leader Mullah Omar, “It’s not a matter of if they’re captured and brought to justice. It’s when they’re brought to justice.”

I’m curious what calendar Dubya lives by. My calendar is just an Outlook freebie but according to it, it’s been four and a half years since he vowed Bin Laden would be taken “dead or alive.” Since then, his “resolve” in finding Bin Laden has mysteriously gone all the way to Iraq where there’s as much chance of finding Nicole Brown Simpson’s killer as Osama. Heck, Dick Cheney has had more success in nabbing rich guys in hiding than Bush has.

I guess Dubya remembers the thunderous applause he received to his inital promise and thought that by restating it, he’d hear the cheers again and bump up his dismal 34% approval rating. It’s kind of like when a comic tells a joke that gets a great response so he tells the punchline again with slightly different wording but this time, the audience sits there in silence thinking, “What the hell? Does he really think we’re so stupid to fall for that again?”

I’ve never understood the tactic of making grand declarations you don’t know for certain you can live up to. It’s a testosterone-filled competitive behavior that only succeeds in making you look like a jackass when you fail. Whatever happened to “Actions speak louder than words?” I really do hope Osama’s caught and brought to justice but in the meantime, Bush should take a note from his own actions immediately following the 9/11 attacks and just sit tight and keep his mouth shut.