Granny’s Got A Gun
This is one of those horrible news titles that I hate to admit made me laugh:
Woman, 92, dies in shootout with police
I instantly thought of one of my favorite South Park episodes “Grey Dawn” in which old people from the AARP commandeered the city aiming guns at all the citizens. One of the younger guys said, “You’re bluffing” and an old lady immediately blew his head off (ok, so perhaps the humor is a bit lost in print but the scene is hilarious).
I know some people think I’m a terrible person for finding humor in certain people’s tragic deaths but come on, how often do you hear about a 92-year-old dying in combat? And think about how ineffective typical police negotiation dialogue would be with someone that age:
“Don’t make any sudden moves.”
“We understand this is a tough period in your life but things will get better.”
“If you do this, you’re going away for a long time.”
As it turned out, it wasn’t some homicidal old lady just someone who got screwed. So if you thought the title was funny, you’re better off not reading the whole story but if you want to, you can find it here, .
This Isn’t The Pizza I Ordered
Grandma Drops Baby Off At Wrong Address
Police received a call from a woman who said another woman she didn’t know had driven up to her home, handed her a baby boy and a diaper bag and left. (Full story)
The woman called the police because she had the baby in her possession. Maybe the old lady was a little senile but what’s the woman’s excuse? If a stranger shoved a baby in your arms wouldn’t you tell the person, “This isn’t my kid. I don’t want it” BEFORE she left? I can’t imagine granny dropped off the baby and zipped to her Oldsmobile with such swiftness she couldn’t be caught. Very, very strange.
Rock On Granny
My mom wants to create a “Where’s Waldo” book for my nephew by scanning an actual Waldo page then digitally superimposing my nephew as Waldo. But she’s concerned she could get in trouble for copyright infringement. While I respect the high moralities of my parents, they’re both retired now and I say it’s time to live on the edge a little bit and finally throw caution to the wind: light up a doobie, give a cop the finger, go to a swingers party, get arrested, tell their younger daughter to “fuck off.” You know, do all the things they’ve probably always wanted to do.
When you reach a point in life where your actions can’t really screw your future, why play by the rules? Once you’re in your 60′s there’s no reason a game of “I Never” shouldn’t have you wasted before it’s even your turn. Then when it is your turn, you should be so stumped that you have to get really specific: “I never bungee jumped naked. No wait. I never bungee jumped naked off the Golden Gate bridge. No wait. I never bungee jumped naked off the Golden Gate Bridge while an anti-war march was taking place… in the last decade.” Someone with really fun friends, might even notice one or two take a swig.
If you’re retired and you set an alarm clock in the morning or if you care even the slightest what your credit rating is, you need to hit an after hours rave and shoot up a little heroin with a former child star. Even if you don’t have a great time, at least you’ll have something more exciting than grandkids and HMO’s to talk about at your next dinner party.
(Speaking of Waldo and all kinds of copyright infringements, shortly after Bush ambushed Iraq, I created a “Where’s Saddam?” game. It’s a bit out of date and the quality isn’t great but some games just take you back).
Anybody Seen Granny? (AKA What’s That Smell)?
From the “truth is stranger than fiction” files:
The body of a Cincinnati woman spent the last couple years at home propped up in front of a tv, per her last wishes (making me wonder if her static viewing habits is the reason for ABC’s dramatic ratings shift and why “The George Lopez Show” is still on the air). After the 61-year-old’s death in August 2003, her caretaker left her upstairs in the home with the television and air conditioning running because she said, “Don’t bury me. I’ll be back.” This alone makes the story of Terminator Granny fascinating, but there’s more:
Family members continued to live downstairs.
Police went to the house last Wednesday after a relative who hadn’t seen the lady in 2 1/2 years called them. They found a staircase behind a door blocked by a basket and climbed to the second floor where they found the body. They said the odor of death was noticeable.
It took 2 1/2 years for the relative to realize she was missing and call the cops? As I understand it, 80% of all senior citizen deaths are discovered within two weeks of an offspring’s birthday. Apparently Terminator Granny wasn’t too consistent with those $12 birthday checks (speaking of which, I’d like to use this space to wish my twin brother John a happy birthday- saves me a phone call).
That’s always been my big fear- that because I don’t have a regular schedule and because I’m so bad at returning calls, I might die and nobody would notice for awhile. I shudder at the thought that the last public word on me would be from one of my neighbors on the tv news saying, “There was this horrible smell in the building so bad it made me gag…. turns out it was Jenée.” (And then the cheesy reporter would say, “At least the comedienne went out with a gag. For channel two news I’m…”)
Terminator Granny’s death seemed to be common knowledge among all but the one clueless relative. Friends and family would occasionally stop by to say hi to her mummified body and her former caregiver recently bought her some new clothes (I’m not making this stuff up). There’s something very depressing about the fact that a dead lady receives more gifts and visitors than I do. And in that part of the country, she’s probably having more sex too.
In case anybody’s wondering, the reason the family endured Terminator Granny’s stench for 2 1/2 years was to honor her religious beliefs (surprise, surprise) that she’d rise from the dead. I can tell you this much, if the body of an Atheist is being housed in someone’s upstairs, it’s not per the deceased’s wishes and it’s not receiving housecalls.
