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Paris Is Still In Jail (Updates Hourly)

I spoke to my sister last night and she asked why I haven't written about the Paris Hilton fiasco. The fact is, I've tried. I started to write about her going into jail, then I went to get a glass of water and when I came back she was out. So then I started a post about her being out of jail, then I sneezed and she was back in. It's all happening too fast for a Parisite like myself to keep up. So I finally got smart and signed up for Paris' PMS (Private Messaging System). Now, I get instant updates text messaged to my cell phone about everything ...

TV Noobs

Despite my background in tv news, I only watch it about four times a year because it's all such garbage. Yesterday was one of those days in which I had to rediscover what channel each news station is on and it took me about 45 minutes of listening to ridiculous reporting before I glanced at the tv and realized I'd landed on Fox. I was about to change the channel when it occurred to me that the ridiculousness of their coverage was providing a nice distraction from the horror of yesterday's tragedy so I kept it where it was. I call it "yesterday's tragedy" because I haven't yet decided whether to commit to Fox's "Campus Massacre," MSNBC's "Massacre at Virginia ...

The Harder The Better

Here's a doozy to start off the new year: A man who has a history of smashing windows to indulge his fetish for female mannequins could draw a long prison term for his latest arrest. Ronald A. Dotson, 39, of Detroit faces up to life in prison if convicted of a charge of attempted breaking and entering at a cleaning-supply company in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. (Full story) I don't know what's more disturbing: the fact that this guy has the hots for mannequins or the fact that his repeat offenses could land him in prison for life while guys who rape actual women and children only get a few ...

Granny’s Got A Gun

This is one of those horrible news titles that I hate to admit made me laugh: Woman, 92, dies in shootout with police I instantly thought of one of my favorite South Park episodes "Grey Dawn" in which old people from the AARP commandeered the city aiming guns at all the citizens. One of the younger guys said, "You're bluffing" and an old lady immediately blew his head off (ok, so perhaps the humor is a bit lost in print but the scene is hilarious). I know some people think I'm a terrible person for finding humor in certain people's tragic deaths but come on, how often do you hear about a 92-year-old dying in combat? And think about how ineffective ...

Sketch (Artist) Comedy At Its Best

Off the TelePrompTer: "Police are asking for the public's help in finding this man accused of raping three interns here at channel 7 news. He is an African-American male who's approximately 12 inches from the chest up. Witnesses describe him as well-dressed with excellent diction and say he might be wearing some sort of hearing device. Police have absolutely no clue as to his identity or his whereabouts. After all, they're the LAPD." [tags]lapd, channel seven news anchor, rapist, african american, kabc, marc brown[/tags]

9/11

(Long post. Not funny. Just felt like writing it. I'll return to my regularly scheduled snarkiness shortly). Last week marked the fifth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. Why didn't I discuss this on the anniversary? Because I don't believe the memory of such an important event in US- no world- history should be relegated to just one day (that, and I was out of town and didn't get around to writing it then like I'd planned). Like most people, I now mention 9/11 so casually that two or three times a year I go into memorial mode and seriously ponder the day's events. I have to shake my head and ask, "Did all that really happen???" (kind of the same way I ...

Debutante Under the Influence

Earlier this morning, Paris Hilton had the cuffs slapped on her (and they weren't the furry ones she's become accustomed to during her "home video" sessions). Any cop who pulls over someone like Paris Hilton for investigation of drunk driving has to be thinking it's his lucky day. He's like a broke man at a craps table: "Come on .08%!" Given all the trouble she's escaped in the past, I hope the arresting officer marched her into the precinct like the prized pig at the county fair: "Your Mel Gibson entry put on a mighty nice show with his anti-Semitic hootin' and hollerin' but lookie here at ...

The Croc Hunter Croaked

Unless you've had your head up a Wallaby's ass, you've already heard the news of the Croc Hunter's demise. When word of Steve Irwin's death hit Australian Prime Minister John Howard, he interrupted parliament to pay tribute: "We mourn his loss, we're devastated by the tragic circumstances in which he has been taken from us and we send our love and prayers to his grieving family," he said. Can the circumstances of his death really be deemed "tragic?" This wasn't some kid on summer vacation who was frolicking in the ocean and got attacked out of nowhere by a stingray. This was a man who made a living pissing off deadly animals. I don't think it's tragic; I think it's just. People ...

Troubled Youth Apply Here

So two teenagers burglarize a home and steal a laptop containing sensitive government data. Another person- presumably an associate of the thieves- turns in the laptop to collect a $50,000 reward. It made me think: If anybody knows some young hooligans looking to take someone into their confidence, please have them contact Aunt Nene. Discretion is assured (unless another c-note is waved in my face). [tags]stolen laptop, teenagers, military personnel[/tags]

We Have The Same Birthday! Oh Wait…

I got a big kick out of this one: A bar waitress checking to see if a woman was legally old enough to drink was handed her own stolen driver's license, which was reported missing weeks earlier, police said. (Full story) I'm almost surprised she looked at it carefully enough to notice it was hers. Back when I had a fake I.D., I used it show it while I was with the person whose old license it was. Nobody ever noticed. [tags]fake id, stolen drivers license[/tags]

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