The End Of The Roman Holiday
Cheers to the Swiss police for arresting director Roman Polanski when he flew into town for the Zurich Film Festival. You’d think that after 31 years on the lam, there would be two things he’d know to do before traveling abroad: check the weather and check the country’s extradition policy. So either he overestimated the neutrality of the Swiss or he shares the same delusions of invincibility as O.J. Simpson. Or maybe he knew about the threat but, being a showbiz dude, he just couldn’t resist accepting some meaningless recognition. Hopefully Kanye West was there to jump in and let everybody know who really deserved that award.
I’m happy about the arrest because he’s a child molester who never should have had the opportunity to jump bail. People usually consider child molesters the worst of the worst but it seems that if you can make a good flick or do a fancy moonwalk, any sort of inappropriate behavior with children is ignored.
I’m not one who thinks the legal age of consent should always be the standard; frankly, there are some 16-year-olds who have the maturity of an adult and plenty of 30-year-olds who don’t. But legally AND biologically, a 13-year-old is a child. No matter how anybody wants to color this particular situation, the fact is he drugged a child and raped her.
I hope he gets his comeuppance and spends his remaining years in jail. He should consider himself fortunate that he was able to enjoy a rather glamorous life for the last three decades instead of doing his time as a pretty young thing eyed by a dirty old cellmate.
Living The Dream
"Bite me Alan Lambert"
Over the last week, I’ve come across multiple articles (and a South Park nod) about some 47-year-old, unemployed spinster named Susan Boyle who auditioned for the show Britain’s Got Talent. I finally had to see what the hype’s about and I have to say it’s well deserved. The top YouTube clips (which have amassed a ming-boggling 70 million hits in just two weeks) don’t allow embedding but it’s worth clicking the link to watch her rendition of “I Dreamed A Dream.” It makes me realize it’s never too late to achieve your dreams and there’s still a chance I could fulfill mine of being an Olympic gymnast. If this doesn’t give you goose bumps, you must have a heart of Cheney.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
Why Buy When You Can Lease?
I thought the following story was kind of funny in a twisted sort of way. If this law had been in effect when I was younger, there’s no question I would have spent my teen years as a ward of the state:
Nine siblings are among 11 children as old as 17 who were left at Omaha hospitals Wednesday under Nebraska’s unique and new safe haven law, which allows caregivers to abandon babies and teenagers alike at hospitals without fear of prosecution.
(Full story)
The eBaby
This story had me almost in tears:
BERLIN (AP) — German parents post baby on eBay for 1 euro
Authorities in southern Germany said Saturday they have taken custody of a 7-month-old boy after his parents posted an ad on eBay offering to sell him for one euro, the equivalent of $1.57.
Peter Hieber, a spokesman for police in the Bavarian town of Krumbach, said the baby was placed in the care of youth services in the southwestern Allgaeu region, although the child’s 23-year-old mother insisted the ad was only a joke.
Authorities have launched an investigation into possible child trafficking against the baby’s mother and 24-year-old father, neither of whom was identified.
“Offering my nearly new baby for sale, as it has gotten too loud. It is a male baby, nearly 28 inches (70 cm) long and can be used either in a baby carrier or a stroller,” police quoted the ad as reading.
No offers were made for the child in the two hours and 30 minutes the ad was posted on Tuesday. EBay later deleted the posting, but assisted police in tracking down the parents.
Several people who saw the ad alerted police. (source)
That’s the sort of stunt I would pull, with the same unfortunate repercussions. My younger nephew was collicky for his first couple weeks and numerous times I suggested we exchange him. Luckily for everybody I didn’t think of eBay or who knows what would have happened (and despite the rocky start, he’s turned out to be pretty cool).
Last week I put a bid on Rupert from Survivor‘s house and at $5 I was the high bidder for a few hours. It’s fortunate I didn’t see the baby ad or I totally would have bid on it and probably would have ended up in jail for child trafficking (or worse, the owner of a $2 baby).
What’s lame about this story is that not only did several people report the ad to the police but then child services removed the child from his home. I mean, come on, I didn’t have to read the mother’s claim that it was a joke to know that was the case. Doesn’t anybody have a sense of humor anymore? On the bright side, the kid has an awesome lifelong story to tell and, by my estimation, some rather funny parents.
Bad Womb Eyes
If you thought the story about the man running into his wife at a brothel was a doozy, check out this one:
LONDON (Reuters) – A couple discovered after they had married that they were twins who had been split up at birth and adopted by separate families, according to a member of Britain’s House of Lords. (Full story)
All I can say is I’m thankful I grew up with my fraternal twin brother. The rest of you may have fucked your twins and never knew it. 
Who Should Be More Upset?
I love stories like this:
WARSAW (Reuters) – A Polish man got the shock of his life when he visited a brothel and spotted his wife among the establishment’s employees.
Polish tabloid Super Express said the woman had been making some extra money on the side while telling her husband she worked at a store in a nearby town.
“I was dumfounded. I thought I was dreaming,” the husband told the newspaper on Wednesday.
The couple, married for 14 years, are now divorcing, the newspaper reported. (Source)
Personally, I think the wife has greater reason to be angry because maybe if the husband wasn’t blowing money on hookers she wouldn’t have to blow men for money.
Dispelling Myths
I read an interesting article that as a caffeine swilling, turkey munching, low light reading, cell phone toting, leg shaver who uses a solid 11% of her brain, I thought I should share.
(Reprinted from here):
Revealed: The seven great “medical myths”
By Peter Griffiths
LONDON (Reuters) – Reading in dim light won’t damage your eyes, you don’t need eight glasses of water a day to stay healthy and shaving your legs won’t make the hair grow back faster.
These well-worn theories are among seven “medical myths” exposed in a paper published Friday in the British Medical Journal, which traditionally carries light-hearted features in its Christmas edition. Two U.S. researchers took seven common beliefs and searched the archives for evidence to support them.
Despite frequent mentions in the popular press of the need to drink eight glasses of water, they found no scientific basis for the claim.
The complete lack of evidence has been recorded in a study published the American Journal of Psychology, they said.
The other six “myths” are:
* Reading in dim light ruins your eyesight
The majority of eye experts believe it is unlikely to do any permanent damage, but it may make you squint, blink more and have trouble focusing, the researchers said.
* Shaving makes hair grow back faster or coarser
It has no effect on the thickness or rate of hair regrowth, studies say. But stubble lacks the finer taper of unshaven hair, giving the impression of coarseness.
* Eating turkey makes you drowsy
It does contain an amino acid called tryptophan that is involved in sleep and mood control. But turkey has no more of the acid than chicken or minced beef. Eating lots of food and drink at Christmas are probably the real cause of sleepiness.
* We use only 10 percent of our brains
This myth arose as early as 1907 but imaging shows no area of the brain is silent or completely inactive.
* Hair and fingernails continue to grow after death
This idea may stem from ghoulish novels. The researchers said the skin dries out and retracts after death, giving the appearance of longer hair or nails.
* Mobile phones are dangerous in hospitals
Despite widespread concerns, studies have found minimal interference with medical equipment.
The research was conducted by Aaron Carroll, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the Regenstrief Institute, Indianapolis, and Rachel Vreeman, fellow in children’s health services research at Indiana University School of Medicine.
(Editing by Steve Addison and Paul Casciato)
I’d like to add some other popular statements that common sense dictates to be myths:
* If you want to lose weight, don’t eat after 8 p.m.- This doesn’t take into account the different lifestyles people lead so you can be sure any diet guru who makes this recommendation is a quack.
* There’s nobody better to raise a child than the mother/father- Uh, how about a professional with years of experience dealing with children? Parroting the above statement is like a couch potato saying, “Who better to choose the prime time tv lineup than me?” Nobody’s going to love a child more than the typical mother, but that doesn’t mean the woman who one year earlier was doing tequila shots off a Chippendale dancer’s abs is the most qualified for the full-time job of raising the kid. Disagree with me all you want then take another look at all the fucked up people around you (or maybe even yourself) with mommy or daddy issues. I’ll dare to say that more often than not, the parents aren’t the best ones for the job.
* Asians are bad drivers/ blacks are lousy tippers- Ok, those two are true but at least they have (respectively) the technological geniuses/ big penises stereotypes going for them as well.
* 40 is the new 30/ 50 is the new 40- The only people who believe this are desperate 40 and 50-year-old women. The rest of the world are still drooling over Lindsay Lohan’s 21-year-old ass.
Coincidence?
The “2 Girls 1 Cup” video makes the rounds then Mr. Whipple dies. That’s what happens when 2 girls squeeze the Charmin.
Not Getting Burned
I just got word that a friend’s house I’d adored when I stayed there this summer was spared in the San Diego fires. You wanna talk about close calls? That’s his house on the left in this photo. All he suffered was some minor damage to the side like a melted screen door. Even the fish in his Koi pond that separated the houses survived. At the time I visited I thought a side yard was an odd place for a Koi pond but who knows? Maybe it helped in some way.
While I can’t fully fathom what it’s like to suffer the kind of loss his neighbor did, I can sort of, barely relate because we had a house fire when I was a kid. Here’s the story:
It was the first day of school in second grade. Dad was still at work and Mom had fixed us cold tuna sandwiches for dinner because it was such a hot day. Midway through dinner we heard the fire alarm go off and saw smoke coming from down the hallway. Mom told us all to get out and I took off running down the street yelling like a maniac that our house was on fire. I passed about five houses before I realized this wasn’t the movies and my house probably wasn’t going to blow.
Mom had been wearing just a bra and underwear so she wrapped a towel around herself to cover up. The man from the house below ours ran up the hill and hopped the fence to help. He grabbed the towel off Mom- I guess thinking he could put the fire out with it- so she pulled out the first thing she could from the hallway closet: a half-length fur coat (don’t hate- Grandpa was a furrier back before it was uncool to do that). So there we were, most of the neighborhood standing in our front yard in 90 degree heat while Mom stood there in a fur coat and no pants (a scene that totally belongs in a movie).
The fire had been caused by a faulty tv that had been loaned to us by the repair shop that was taking way too long to fix ours. While the house didn’t suffer major structural damage, the smoke and water damage was enough to force us to live in a Howard Johnson’s for a month (which, I’ll admit, I really enjoyed because it had a pool and we got driven to school instead of having to walk). And we lost a few items that, at that age, seemed rather precious. There was the carpeting in the playroom that had a bunch of games designed on it and the three story doll house with the elevator that Mom had built for us. And my sister- my poor, poor sister- I think she still has nightmares over the loss of her beloved pair of Dittos. Who can blame her? They did wonders for a fifth grader’s ass.
People always say that in situations like this the essential items to rescue are their loved ones and their pictures/videos. And I take some comfort that in this digital era more and more people will be able to preserve those. I’m just so thankful that my brother recently took the time to digitize about 20 years’ worth of videos so we’ll never have to worry about losing those. I can only hope that other victims of the fires were able to escape with their scrapbooks intact.
Is It…Tax Evasion?
Good ol’ Corey Clark- he of the Paula Abdul cougar love- is back in the news. I love it when you can just look at someone’s mugshot and know exactly what he was busted for. If the D.A. can’t get a conviction on this one, it’s time to hang up his legal briefs.
Harry Fodder
I don’t think anybody’s as thrilled that the newest Harry Potter book is on sale as I am. I’ve never read any of the books and only saw the first film (which sucked) but I’m thrilled because I am sick to death of hearing about this. The mania and security surrounding the release are absolutely insane. I can’t criticize the fact that children are so excited about a book. That’s a good thing. And I get that young kids want to be the first to read it. They think that 20 years down the line they’ll tell their kids about it and that their kids will be impressed even though in reality they’ll probably say, “Harry Who? What’s a book?” I was young and dumb like that myself. But parents need to put on the brakes and teach their kids that being the first to do something means nothing. Except at an orgy. Is it really too much to ask that parents show a little more sense than their eight-year-old children?
UPDATE: The guys at Omovies (the ones who made the hit Paris Hilton viral) are back with another video, this one a rap featuring Harry Potter. Check it out:
Frozen Dinner Party
This is one of those morbid stories that’s just so funny to me:
A Belgian man appeared in court on Friday after a woman at his dinner party found the bodies of his wife and stepson in the freezer as she put away the leftovers, prosecutors said. (more)
I love that the guy allegedly killed his family, yet he’s still in the mood for entertaining. I think even Martha Stewart would suggest taking the season off. Not only that, he’s enlisting the help of the guests to clean up!
“Where should I put the leftover meatloaf?”
“In the freezer, next to my wife’s foot.”
Or is it possible that it simply slipped his mind that the bodies were in there? At the very least, it should help with his inevitable insanity defense.
Paris Is Still In Jail (Updates Hourly)
I spoke to my sister last night and she asked why I haven’t written about the Paris Hilton fiasco. The fact is, I’ve tried. I started to write about her going into jail, then I went to get a glass of water and when I came back she was out. So then I started a post about her being out of jail, then I sneezed and she was back in. It’s all happening too fast for a Parisite like myself to keep up. So I finally got smart and signed up for Paris’ PMS (Private Messaging System). Now, I get instant updates text messaged to my cell phone about everything Paris. For those of you who have been busy this week, here are some of the highlights of what’s transpired:
Sunday @ 9 pm: Paris attends the MTV Movie Awards where Dane Cook makes a comment that critics call the most awkward moment of the night. He says, “Paris Hilton was so offended by Sarah Silverman’s opening remarks that she checked herself into jail early.” Then the camera cuts to an unamused Paris still in her seat.
Sunday @ 11:15 pm: Cook’s comment goes from awkward to prescient when Paris actually does check in early… at the Men’s Central Jail. Across the nation, money exchanges hands to the satisfied delight of the “dude looks like a lady” betting contingent. National law enforcement officers discuss other ways to channel Sarah “The Paris Piper” Silverman’s raunchy humor to encourage more criminals to turn themselves in.
Monday @ 1 am: Paris hands all her belongings to the “valet” and asks the desk clerk for a West-facing room, eggs benedict for breakfast and a 2 pm spa appointment.
- Booking officer: This ain’t the Hilton. It’s jail. (Chuckles) You don’t know how many times I’ve said that.
Paris: (Laughing) We can all drop the facade now (but she pronounces it “fuckaid”). The arrest, the trial and everything else was staged for the next season of my show “The Simple Life.”
Booking officer: If a little fantasy makes this easier for you, have at it. But the closest you’ll get to a spa treatment is when we strip search you.
Paris: (Wailing) WHAT?! This is really jail? Mommy!! My publicist told me none of this is real. Where’s my mommy??
Booking officer: Oh, you’ll get to meet your new mommy tomorrow on the exercise yard.
Monday @ 1:30 am: Paris is told that wakeup will be at 6 am so she decides to go to bed immediately. But the jail doesn’t provide turn down service and Paris doesn’t know how to get under the covers. She resorts to the only other method she knows: simulating sexual moves until the covers are properly disheveled. With one last cry of “Mommy!!” she closes her eyes and tries to sleep.
Monday @ 2 am: Restless, Paris calls for a guard. She says, “How am I supposed to sleep? I haven’t slept alone since I was 13. Can’t you do something to make this a little more like home, like bring in a video camera?”
Monday @ 5 am: An hour before wakeup, Paris screams. Nearby inmates immediately plot ways to kill her.
-
Paris: Omigod. These fucking sheets!
Guard: You like them? They’re from the Martha Stewart Incarceration Collection.
Paris: They’re 200 thread count!!! They’ve left red bumps on my delicate skin. Mommy!!
Guard: Those aren’t from the sheets. You’re having another herpes outbreak.
Monday @ 10 am: Paris speaks to her publicist by phone and fires him.
Monday @ 10:30 am: Paris’ publicist issues a statement that he and his client have parted ways but remain great friends.
Monday @ 11 am: Paris speaks to her former publicist by phone and rehires him. (Rinse and repeat five more times).
Monday @ 2 pm: Paris’ publicist makes a call to Sheriff Lee Baca. He tells Baca that if he can get his client released early, he can arrange for a ménage with the trifecta of drunk driving debutantes: Paris, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. He says he can even throw in Britney Spears, who hasn’t been arrested (yet) for a DUI but who’s not getting any other action right now thanks to her Chris Daughtry ‘do and she’ll take anything she can get. Baca works as quickly as possible to get Paris released.
(Three days later…)
Thursday @ 3 pm: Paris is released from jail and ordered to house “arrest” in her Hollywood mansion.
Thursday @ 9 pm: At Casa de Paris, she holds her “If Paris Can’t Go To Hyde, Hyde Will Come To Paris” party. It’s the event of the season. Sheriff Baca leaves the party with a big smile on his face- and with Hillary Duff on his arm.
Friday @ 2 pm: Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer is furious about the deal Baca made with Paris. If anybody should have had the opportunity to catch 20 STD’s in one night, it should have been him.
-
Sauer: The little slut is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith.
Paris: It’s not right! Mommmmmmmmmmy!!
