I Shall Name The Fetus Veto Cordleonlygoinginthetrash
As a big “fuck you, you stupid ignorant fool” to Bush for his stem cell bill veto, I’ve decided to get pregnant and have an abortion. If anybody knows how I can contact George Clooney for assistance in this important political endeavor, please let me know.
Also, if you haven’t already seen video of Bush at the G8 summit dinner, it’s below. I have absolutely no problem with our president cursing in front of other world leaders- in fact I like it. But you have to wonder about the sort of people Bush has surrounded himself by that apparently nobody has ever had the guts to say to him, “Dude, close your mouth when you eat. You look like a damn horse chewing peanut butter.”
(Better quality available at CNN)
I’m Going To Hell
…because the last line made me chuckle.
AUSTIN – The reigning Miss Deaf Texas died Monday afternoon after being struck by a train, officials said.
Tara Rose McAvoy, 18, was walking near railroad tracks when she was struck by a Union Pacific train, authorities said. A witness told Austin television station KTBC the train sounded its horn right up until the accident occurred.
(Full story)
Anti-Deodorant
I dared to buy deodorant at the 99 Cent Store. Big mistake. Not only did it fail to prevent odor, it CREATED a stank much worse than anything my body has ever produced on its own. And it just sort of crept up on me like a stink bomb had suddenly been released. Luckily I was at home and spared the embarrassment of public reekage but it made me realize that you have to have some serious olfactory problems to be oblivious to bad B.O. The next time I’m in close proximity to such an offender I don’t think I’ll politely ignore it because that’s just rude on their part.
Lesson for the kids: The 99 Cent Store is good for items like shaving cream and pens- maybe even a six pack of Guatemalan beer when times are tough- but it’s best not to skimp when it comes to the essentials. I can only wonder how many unwanted children are a result of 99 Cent Store condoms.
MySpace- Thank You For Being A Friend
As promised, I’ve thrown myself into the MySpace mix with guns blazing. I was really surprised how many of my close friends had MySpace pages and how many groups there are that cater to my very specific interests. I hope you’ll check out my page and let me know what you think. I guess I should mention that the MySpace picture is a little more current than the photo on this site so it may come as a surprise to some of the regular readers:
Online Dating Fiasco
I have to confess, I did something really stupid. I figured I’d give online dating a shot and decided to sign up at Match.com. I paid my non-refundable membership fees and waited for the emails to pour in. Apparently I didn’t read the fine print and it turns out I signed up at misMatch.com. I don’t want my money to go to waste so I’ve decided to make the best of it. Below are the profiles they sent me. Let me know if you think any would suit me.
Bachelor #1
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #3
Rock On Granny
My mom wants to create a “Where’s Waldo” book for my nephew by scanning an actual Waldo page then digitally superimposing my nephew as Waldo. But she’s concerned she could get in trouble for copyright infringement. While I respect the high moralities of my parents, they’re both retired now and I say it’s time to live on the edge a little bit and finally throw caution to the wind: light up a doobie, give a cop the finger, go to a swingers party, get arrested, tell their younger daughter to “fuck off.” You know, do all the things they’ve probably always wanted to do.
When you reach a point in life where your actions can’t really screw your future, why play by the rules? Once you’re in your 60′s there’s no reason a game of “I Never” shouldn’t have you wasted before it’s even your turn. Then when it is your turn, you should be so stumped that you have to get really specific: “I never bungee jumped naked. No wait. I never bungee jumped naked off the Golden Gate bridge. No wait. I never bungee jumped naked off the Golden Gate Bridge while an anti-war march was taking place… in the last decade.” Someone with really fun friends, might even notice one or two take a swig.
If you’re retired and you set an alarm clock in the morning or if you care even the slightest what your credit rating is, you need to hit an after hours rave and shoot up a little heroin with a former child star. Even if you don’t have a great time, at least you’ll have something more exciting than grandkids and HMO’s to talk about at your next dinner party.
(Speaking of Waldo and all kinds of copyright infringements, shortly after Bush ambushed Iraq, I created a “Where’s Saddam?” game. It’s a bit out of date and the quality isn’t great but some games just take you back).
Fun With Search Words
One piece of information my website keeps track of is the search strings people used to find my site. I pasted some of my recent favorites below. I don’t know what’s stranger: the fact that people searched for these particular word combinations or the fact that they found them in my blog.
photos of protruding nipple
hot pink fanny pack
truth about supermodels
ripped mole off sleep
professional bum
why cant you buy american idiot at walmart
hot moms
how to add more than eight friends myspace
chapped bottom lip
lip balm addiction
i want a famous face jenee
memoirs of a gay slut
Second Thoughts On The Xbox
So today I hear on the news that the Xboxes, which retail for $299, are now going for well over $1000 on Ebay. This forces me to adjust some of the comments I made yesterday. I retract any criticsm toward the students who waited in line for the Xbox to make an $800+ return on their investment. There aren’t a lot of college kids who can make that kind of scratch in one day unless they’re peddling drugs or swinging from a pole.
Now I have to figure out who’s dumber: the people who braved the elements for two days to buy a $299 Xbox or the people who didn’t wait but are now paying $1000+ for an item that will be restocked in mid December. Tough one. Kid turning down the opportunity for a 4-500% profit or buyer paying a 4-500% markup.
I can’t decide. But I wouldn’t be opposed to a fight-to-the-death between the groups to determine who’s the lesser moron. Either way, society wins.
Not Even For The First Atari
Hundreds of video game fans camped out in New York’s cold and rain to be among the first to buy the new Xbox released today. I blame Miss Liberty for requesting the “wretched refuse” instead of the “worthy achievers.”
Now before I begin my usual barrage of ridicule, my regular readers don’t need to remind me that last week I waited in a long line for my little passion. But it was two hours in perfect 80 degree weather for a one-time-only event. I think that meets the criteria for mental stability. These fools risked pneumonia, muggings and possible inclusion in an Apprentice task to buy a stupid video game!
Who are these people? I know it’s not minors because all the kids who were raised by the kind of parents that would allow them to camp out a couple days for a game will just steal the Xboxes from those who did wait. And any grown-up video game addicts will purchase their Xboxes from the little thieves an hour later (at half the retail price). That leaves a small segment of the population: the college students. On reading more about the release, I learned that Peter Gonzalez, 19, who waited for nearly 30 hours, said he would stay up all night playing games before heading to classes in the morning. I always wondered what the “liberal arts” college major meant and now I’m certain it means “mental deterioration on Daddy’s dollar.”
It’s just plain stupid to wait hours or days for something that will be available to the public without delay in another week. Who cares who got a game or saw a movie on day one? Anybody whose friends are impressed or jealous of the fact that they were among the first to buy an Xbox would be smarter to spend that time hitting some bars and trying to get laid. I think it’s safe to assume they’d be first among their friends to do that.
99 Cent Store Gift Card
While shopping at the $.99 Store (because I make the big bucks), I noticed they have a gift card available for purchase. Now first of all, I think receiving any gift card is a little awkward. It’s as if the giver is saying, “I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I’m afraid you’d spend cash on booze and gambling.”
But a gift card to the $.99 Store just says, “I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I know you don’t mind crap.”
So of course I had to buy one for my friend- and I only wanted to put $.98 on it. The problem is, you have to buy it for $9.99 so I tried explaining to the Mexican cashier that I wanted to use up all but $.98 on the card. It took me a good five minutes just to get her to understand how to charge $9.01 to the card, but she never got the joke.
I guess some things just don’t translate well.
Old School Halloween Costumes
My four-year-old nephew got a Power Rangers costume for Halloween that he’s been wearing for the last month or so. He has no idea how fortunate he is to have a costume he can enjoy for more than one night. When I was a kid, Dad used to take us to Thrifty’s where we had about 10 minutes to decide which $1.99 piece of splendor it would be that year. I don’t even know if they still make those costumes, the ones with the hard plastic mask and painted apron. Those costumes brought a lot of excitement to Halloween. Would this be the year I suffocate trying to breathe out the pin-sized hole? Would the slightest spark to the apron send me shooting in the air like a firecracker?
Free candy was a good enough reason to risk it.
International Superhits
My website keeps track of some non-essential information about my visitors and occasionally I check it out to see what new random site is linked to mine. While doing so today, I noticed I had some lengthy visits by people from Nigeria and Iran. It’s somewhat rewarding to know that despite the political and social turmoil these people experience every day, they recognize the importance of what I had to say about Britney Spears in the “Fashion Police” column.
Call Waiting
I’m on hold while I write this. My friend called me about 10 minutes ago (well past midnight, which is actually a pretty good time to call me) then told me she had another call and asked me to hold. It just occurred to me that I don’t even know how my call waiting option works. It’s not because I’m a technological idiot. In fact, I’m the rare geek who actually reads the manual before using a new electronic gadget. I don’t know how to use the call waiting function because I never bother with it. Most of the time I’m on the phone, I just wanna get off (and I don’t mean that in a 1-900, $.99 a minute kind of way). I really have no desire to tag team to another conversation. I figure the second caller can leave a message and then I’ll return their call at a time they’re not available so I can just leave a message. I swear I waste more time avoiding telephone conversations than the actual phone call would last.
And now she gets disconnected- twice! Is she the last remaining customer with AT&T? I never have dropped calls (though, that might be because I rarely make any calls at all). Somehow her connection problems started just as I began to tell a story and 20 minutes later, she hasn’t called back. Hmmm…
Have I mentioned how much I despise the phone?
