For the first time in eight years, I watched the Academy Awards live from a vantage point away from the Kodak Theatre. And now I remember why so many attendees spend most of the night at the bar-- that is one boring show. Some thoughts on the Oscars: -- Judging by Reese Witherspoon's black eyes and ragged dress, it appears that Chris Brown already has a new girlfriend. --I wonder who wore the sheet with the higher thread count: Jessica Biel or Tilda Swinton. I hope they were smart enough to bring along the ...

Tonight I went to get a gift certificate for someone at his favorite hangout, Ye Rustic Inn. I wasn't carrying my usual bag and consequently didn't have my wallet with me. When I approached the front door, the bouncer asked for my ID and I explained that I didn't have it and he told me he couldn't let me in. I said, "Come on, I'm obviously over 21" and he said, "I can't, it's Susan's policy." I tried protesting for a few minutes, probably rolling my eyes 50 times in the process but he wouldn't budge. I completely understand that a bar has to protect itself from minors getting in and I certainly would never have argued the point in ...

Here's a doozy to start off the new year: A man who has a history of smashing windows to indulge his fetish for female mannequins could draw a long prison term for his latest arrest. Ronald A. Dotson, 39, of Detroit faces up to life in prison if convicted of a charge of attempted breaking and entering at a cleaning-supply company in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. (Full story) I don't know what's more disturbing: the fact that this guy has the hots for mannequins or the fact that his repeat offenses could land him in prison for life while guys who rape actual women and children only get a few ...

Finally, an answer to the age-old question, "which came first- the good behavior or the joint?" A mother and father accused of providing their preteen sons with marijuana as a reward for good behavior have been arrested by Chandler police. Toni Lynn Carlson, 31, and Aaron Virgil Carlson, 23, were booked on suspicion of possessing marijuana and drug paraphernalia, possessing marijuana for sale, contributing to the delinquency of minors and endangerment. They were taken into custody Thursday evening after detectives served a search warrant at the Carlsons’ home in the 400 block of West Aloe Place. A court document states a quarter-pound of marijuana was found in the home. Police said the boys, ages 12 and 11, and a 4-year-old girl, are in the ...

A 20-year-old was found by a Wal-Mart employee in the bathroom Sunday night after he sat down and was glued to the toilet seat. (Full story) Where do I start with this one? I guess with the lesson every parent should teach their kids: Don't put your bare ass on a public toilet. If the guy had placed the paper cover on the seat, he would have noticed that it didn't fall right into the bowl as seat covers are prone to do thus bringing to his attention that something was amiss. But apparently he felt confident that people looking to save an extra nickel on Top Ramen have the sort of defecation habits that don't necessitate the use of protective ...

An Oregon man who went to a hospital complaining of a headache was found to have 12 nails embedded in his skull from a suicide attempt with a nail gun, doctors say. (Full story) Twelve nails to the noggin' and this guy complains of a headache. Makes me wonder how long it took for the doctor to discover the real problem: Doctor: So, what brings you here today? Nailboy: I've got a headache I can't quite shake. Doctor: Would you describe it as throbbing or pounding? Nailboy: More like piercing. Doctor: Do you get these headaches often? Nailboy: No, this is the first time. Doctor: Have you been under any stress at work? Nailboy: Nope. Doctor: Home? Nailboy: Nope. Doctor: Any major bumps to the head? Nailboy: Nope. Doctor: I think I've covered ...

Back when I waited tables, I'd notice some nights when customers were especially weird and think, "It must be a full moon." I was right about 90% of the time. And the 10% error rate was probably due to people who are freaks ALL the time. I don't know what the moon does but there's no question in my mind that it somehow makes people behave erratically. Yesterday was just one of those days when it only took a 30 minute excursion to realize it was a full moon. It started the moment I left my apartment and saw a queen-sized mattress right in the middle of the building's courtyard. There was nobody around, no signs of somebody moving, no indication of an impromptu slumber party about to begin. Naturally, I was curious why it was there and how it got there. I can understand dropping a sock on the way back from the laundry and not realizing it, but a dropped mattress is one of those things you'd expect someone to notice. Perhaps that's giving people too much credit. I drove to the store and saw a homeless guy dancing in the middle of an interesection, which I thought was hilarious. Five minutes later some folks dressed in Mardi Gras costumes (in March) danced in the cross walk in front of my car and all I wanted to do was run them all down. Dancing in the street is fun as long as it doesn't impede my progress.

Some people may have noticed that my site's been down for almost two days. Or maybe nobody noticed. But please don't tell me that so I can continue with my grand delusion that people went into panic mode when they couldn't access my blog. I was in the middle of writing a post when suddenly the download manager popped up asking me if I wanted to download pages instead of viewing them. I sent my piece-of-crap web hosting company (not to be confused with the piece-of-crap web hosting company I ditched just two months ago) about seven help tickets marked "urgent" over the course of 24 hours and couldn't get even a reply! It took until the fifth ticket before ...

bu'shit (bsht) n. 1.The crap that comes out of our president's mouth. Today in Afghanistan, George Dubya asserted that when it comes to Osama Bin Laden and Taliban leader Mullah Omar, "It's not a matter of if they're captured and brought to justice. It's when they're brought to justice." I'm curious what calendar Dubya lives by. My calendar is just an Outlook freebie but according to it, it's been four and a half years since he vowed Bin Laden would be taken "dead or alive." Since then, his "resolve" in finding Bin Laden has mysteriously gone all the way to ...

Authorities in Florida are trying to determine whether or not actor Joe Pesci should be charged with misdemeanor battery for punching a fan. According to the 24-year-old "victim's" own testimony: After encountering Pesci, 62, he shook the actor's hand and told him he was a big fan. He then purchased a camera, walked toward Pesci and asked for a picture, but the actor refused, he said. He kept asking to take a picture, and when Pesci turned, he took the photograph. Pesci then punched him with his right fist, the report said. Good for Pesci!

There seems to be some confusion as to the nature of this blog. It's called "People are Idiots" because I primarily discuss the idiotic behaviors I encounter on a regular basis. But judging by a few of the comments to my posts, some people seem to think this blog is "People for Idiots," like it's some sort of group that supports idiots. While I would be happy to accept any donations on behalf of Jessica Simpson, Anna Nicole Smith and George Bush, they won't receive the money and sending such a donation will only add you to their ranks.

Happy new year and all that good stuff. I've been slacking big time on my blog. My usual ranting and raving just seemed out of place over the holidays. I had planned to vent during my family's first official Festivus celebration (I even got the pole, which I'm sure my sister's wondering what the hell she's going to do with right about now), but somehow I missed my turn to speak during the "airing of grievances." At least it left me with a few pent up aggravations to blog about. So my first attack of 2006 shall be against my piece of crap web hosting company who likes to periodically screw with my email. First they removed my email catch-all a ...

Tonight, I came around the corner in a parking lot and saw the car ahead of me slowly backing up so I stopped. When he was about six feet from my car, I gave a little beep. He kept going. So I gave a full honk. He kept going. I blared my horn since there was a car behind me and I had nowhere to go. But apparently I was behind the fucking Energizer Bunny who kept going and going until he bumped right into me. A security guard who saw it all immediately walked over. I figured it was a good sign he'd seen the incident because there's never any damage when witnesses are around. It's only when there's $2,000 ...