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Jury Doodie

A couple months ago I received a jury summons, which I promptly forgot about. On Tuesday, I realized the call-in date was approaching so I dug up the jury form. It turns out I was supposed to call the court last weekend. Great. I called the automated line expecting to hear there was a warrant out for my arrest but instead it simply told me to check back again the next night after 6:00. And I promptly forgot about it. At 3:30 yesterday morning, I remembered and called the line. Naturally, they wanted me this time- at 8:45 am. In case I haven't made it clear here, I do not do mornings. If I never had to spend another waking ...

Mesothelioma Huh?

I saw four commercials last night for Mesothelioma as I do just about every time I watch more than 15 minutes of live tv after midnight. I don't know what's more surprising: the fact that there are so many attorneys hawking ads for Mesothelioma or the fact that I still haven't got the slightest idea what it is. Is it an ailment like cancer or a substance like asbestos? Or is it just a very big word meaning "tiny pecker?" The way the lawyers salivate over it, I'm inclined to believe it's some sort of Vegas affliction and the responsible parties are the smoking, gambling AND drug industries. With little private jets in their eyes, the suits urge me to call ...

Beverly Hills 9021 Uh Oh

Television producer Aaron Spelling is being sued for sexual harassment by his former nurse. She claims he "placed his hands on her breasts, groin and genital area, exposed himself, solicited oral sex and offered her cash in return for various sex acts." That's just part of the allegations against her 82-year-old former employer, but common sense tells me things didn't go down the way she claims. I've seen Spelling a couple times. The first was three years ago in Vegas ("My New Year's W/Rickles and Spelling") and at the time he looked like he was at death's door. When I saw him again two years later, he looked like a Jehovah's Witness at death's door, refusing to go away until the ...

Virtual Bullet

I previously explained my idea for Common Sense Law, which I will implement when I'm president. Today I'd like to share with you a plan that I believe will increase revenue while reducing crime and people's blood pressure at the same time: The Virtual Bullet. We all have instances when people aggravate us so much we just want to blow their heads off. For whatever reason we don't- for most it's because it's immoral, for some it's because it's illegal and for others it's because their local Wal-Mart has already closed for the evening. It doesn't matter what your reason is, the Virtual Bullet will let you stick it to someone guilt-free! Here's how it works: On January 1st of each ...

Common Sense Law

Regular readers may have gathered that I watch a lot of tv. The reason being that I spend half my day "working" Internet poker ("playing" makes it sound like it's all fun and games, which it sometimes isn't). I usually have four or five tables going at once and that still isn't enough to hold my attention so watching the tube is the only other activity I can enjoy at the same time. Lots of people like to say, "TV kills your brain cells." That's probably a good thing. I think losing a few IQ points would make others less sufferable. I rag on idiots all the time here, but the fact is, I'm jealous of them. If I had ...

Ways To Get Out Of Prison

There are four jailhouse stories in the news that I have to comment on: Nine inmates escaped from Wa. jail: They escaped through the ceiling then used bed sheets to get them down the four-story building. I'm not an architect or a security expert, but I'm pretty sure I could figure out a way to keep a person from escaping from my first story unit. That nine "maximum security" prisoners broke out of a jail is unbelievable. Who's on security patrol? Barney Fife? Inmates vie for "Miss Penitentiary" title: Seriously- a beauty pageant for inmates. If Trump gets his hands on this one, the "Miss America" pageant could officially be dead (although, I suppose its move to the country channel ...

“Buy Me a Beer?”

I went to my corner 7-11 and a guy who looked to be about 20 asked me if I'd buy him a 40-ouncer of beer. "I'll let you keep the change," was his big selling point. For a split second I considered it, but declined. I don't know if my refusal was due to the suspicious way he mentioned he was underage (duh, why else would he need me to buy him beer?) or if it was because he was hustling in full view of the cashier which made me think he was too stupid to deserve a nice cold libation. In any event, being underage wasn't the issue for me. What's the harm in a young guy having a beer? Several minutes ...

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