My poor nephew Zach. Last year he stumbled upon a video of Santa being shot on Christmas Eve, and here he is discovering that his gingerbread house has gone into foreclosure. I fear if Santa doesn’t get him that Playstation he’s dying for, the only bailout he’ll need is from jail.

Here’s wishing everybody a Mele Kalikimaka!

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. |
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“Police are asking for the public’s help in finding this man accused of raping three interns here at channel 7 news. He is an African-American male who’s approximately 12 inches from the chest up. Witnesses describe him as well-dressed with excellent diction and say he might be wearing some sort of hearing device. Police have absolutely no clue as to his identity or his whereabouts. After all, they’re the LAPD.”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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Round Like a Shot

Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things.

I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.

I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello,” I said. “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now because I’ve shot them.”

Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the officers said, “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

To which I replied: “I thought you said there was no one available.”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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Because I’m 12.

For immature eyes only!

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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The groomsmen attended on their lunch break from Wal-Mart.

Bridesmaid #1- “I’m going to be the next American Idol.”
Bridesmaid #2- “This is mortifying. How can I be related to these people?”
Bride- “I knew Uncle Skeeter’s garage door would make the perfect backdrop.”
Bridesmaid #3- “I can’t believe I’m doing this after that bitch stole my Billy Bob.”
Bridesmaid #4- “American Idol will be my ticket outta this hellhole”
Bridesmaid #5- “I’m gonna have a daytime wedding in red too. It’s so classy.”
Flower girl- “Somebody help me. I was abducted and brought here.”

Billy Bob cut his meth intake to just three hits for his special day.

“Brad and Angelina’s kid won’t have anything on our offspring.”

(Including that extra chromosome).

Bessie: “Take a look at what you other boys won’t be getting… ever again. At least, not without Billy Bob’s permission. Or $5. Or just a 40 ouncer of Pabst Blue Ribbon.”
Billy Bob: “Uh, hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk. That’s muh gurl!”

You just know he’ll be giving it to her doggie style before the night is through. And by “night” I mean “wedding reception.” (No need to thank me for putting that image in your head).

On the advice of Bessie’s Grandma (who’s also Billy Bob’s Aunt), the bride cops the traditional wedding feel.

“Wassa happening hot stuff?”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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A little sampler for you:

If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)

JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.

The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.

The pieces:

I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.

Chance and Treasure Chest cards:

Think they’ll use any of my ideas?

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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The Office PSA’s:
Office Relationship
“Thumb” common misperceptions.
Friends don’t let friends drink expensive beer.
Wedding Invite
Meteor
Arctic Wolf.
The worst thing you could ever do.
Nothing wrong with average.
Smell you later.
The hidden dangers of cake.
Never feel ashamed of something foul.
A really, really good movie.
Beware the black beans.
Use two shades for maximum cuteness.
Saltines are NOT your friend.
Know your bears.

(Complete list with ratings)

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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I’m not going to go the hacky route and say he’s gay because the truth is, I don’t even think he’s human. The guy hosts a radio show five days a week and the number one tv show two nights a week. He also hosts a couple more programs I only know about because his billboards are on more corners in this town than Starbucks. Even if he had the talent to justify that many shows, no mortal being could maintain that kind of pace and keep up with the needs of a 40-year-old woman. Although, judging by the tight-lipped kiss, it appears the only person’s needs he’s fulfilling is his publicist’s.

I’ve already expressed my complete lack of understanding as to why I and 30 million other people watch American Idol each week. The only logical answer is that it’s some sort of massive mind control experiment and Ryan Seacrest was created as a way to make middle America comfortable with metrosexuals, which will eventually clear the way for homosexuals. The guy even speaks like a robot. I remember seeing him on an episode of Blind Date years ago and he talked in that phony radio voice even when he didn’t have a microphone in front of him. That’s just not normal.

I do have to say that as lame as I think Ryan Seacrest is, he’s still a better catch than Paula Abdul’s choice of younger men, Corey Clark. Each week you can see Paula kicking herself for not holding out for major stud, Ace. Last night when she told Ace, “You’ll have to tell me about that scar sometime,” Simon had to practically force her back onto her seat as her excitement caused her to slide off it. Or maybe it was the alcohol. She’s seemed pretty plastered on most of the shows this season.

Anyhooo…with Hatcher dating Seacrest, it begs the question, “Whatever happened to her and George Clooney?” Supposedly the two of them were an item just a few weeks ago. Apparently both sides are keeping mum about whether they had any sort of relationship. Hatcher even said, “If I went on a date with George Clooney I would not be talking about it.” That statement right there suggests that she too is a robot because any red-blooded woman would shout it from the mountain tops if she had a date with Clooney. Plus, witnesses to her date with Seacrest said she was laughing at his jokes. I think that pretty much confirms her cyborg status. Whatever those two are made of, all I ask is that they keep it inside from now on.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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(Photos from: Samizdata.net)

Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):

I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)

YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE

I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S

(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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