Gingerbread House Foreclosure
My poor nephew Zach. Last year he stumbled upon a video of Santa being shot on Christmas Eve, and here he is discovering that his gingerbread house has gone into foreclosure. I fear if Santa doesn’t get him that Playstation he’s dying for, the only bailout he’ll need is from jail.
Here’s wishing everybody a Mele Kalikimaka!
Sketch (Artist) Comedy At Its Best
Off the TelePrompTer:
“Police are asking for the public’s help in finding this man accused of raping three interns here at channel 7 news. He is an African-American male who’s approximately 12 inches from the chest up. Witnesses describe him as well-dressed with excellent diction and say he might be wearing some sort of hearing device. Police have absolutely no clue as to his identity or his whereabouts. After all, they’re the LAPD.”
Availability is Relative
My friend sent me this article and said it’s from Australia. I don’t know if it actually happened, but it would be awesome if it did:
Round Like a Shot
Going to bed the other night I noticed people in my shed stealing things.
I phoned the police but was told no one was in the area to help. They said they would send someone over as soon as possible.
I hung up. A minute later I rang again. “Hello,” I said. “I called you a minute ago because there were people in my shed. You don’t have to hurry now because I’ve shot them.”
Within minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area plus helicopters and an armed response unit. They caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the officers said, “I thought you said you’d shot them.”
To which I replied: “I thought you said there was no one available.”
The Blushing Bride And The Breathless Groom
Well the first photo from Bessie and Billy Bob’s Tennessee wedding night is in and I have to share.
Because I’m 12.
A Perfect Union
My sister sent me the following pictures with the caption “Tennessee Wedding.” While I don’t have definitive proof that the wedding took place in Tennessee, I think the evidence speaks for itself. (Click photos to enlarge)
The groomsmen attended on their lunch break from Wal-Mart.
Bridesmaid #1- “I’m going to be the next American Idol.”
Bridesmaid #2- “This is mortifying. How can I be related to these people?”
Bride- “I knew Uncle Skeeter’s garage door would make the perfect backdrop.”
Bridesmaid #3- “I can’t believe I’m doing this after that bitch stole my Billy Bob.”
Bridesmaid #4- “American Idol will be my ticket outta this hellhole”
Bridesmaid #5- “I’m gonna have a daytime wedding in red too. It’s so classy.”
Flower girl- “Somebody help me. I was abducted and brought here.”
Billy Bob cut his meth intake to just three hits for his special day.
“Brad and Angelina’s kid won’t have anything on our offspring.”
(Including that extra chromosome).
Bessie: “Take a look at what you other boys won’t be getting… ever again. At least, not without Billy Bob’s permission. Or $5. Or just a 40 ouncer of Pabst Blue Ribbon.”
Billy Bob: “Uh, hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk. That’s muh gurl!”
You just know he’ll be giving it to her doggie style before the night is through. And by “night” I mean “wedding reception.” (No need to thank me for putting that image in your head).
On the advice of Bessie’s Grandma (who’s also Billy Bob’s Aunt), the bride cops the traditional wedding feel.
Wanted: Heathens To Pick Up Poop
Thanks to bobgirrl’s trackback, I found this site: JesusPets. Like her, I originally questioned if it was legit but after reading a few of the posts, I see it’s not. And it’s hilarious.
A little sampler for you:
If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)
JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.
The New Monopoly
Hasboro is updating the 70-year-old Monopoly game and they’re asking for the public’s suggestions. I have a few ideas to make the game more modern and realistic:
The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.
The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.
The pieces:
I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.
Chance and Treasure Chest cards:
Think they’ll use any of my ideas?
“The Office” PSA’s
More tv stuff that’s too good to not share… In the past I’ve bragged about my amazing skills with the remote control. Well, little did I know that the Public Service Announcements I breezed through during the last episode of The Office were actually spoofs of NBC’s cheesy “The More You Know” PSA’s. NBC put 16 of them up on their website and a few had me close to tears they’re so funny. My favorite is “Know Your Bears,” though all of the ones featuring Rainn Wilson are particularly funny. That guy kills me. You have to check these out.
The Office PSA’s:
Office Relationship
“Thumb†common misperceptions.
Friends don’t let friends drink expensive beer.
Wedding Invite
Meteor
Arctic Wolf.
The worst thing you could ever do.
Nothing wrong with average.
Smell you later.
The hidden dangers of cake.
Never feel ashamed of something foul.
A really, really good movie.
Beware the black beans.
Use two shades for maximum cuteness.
Saltines are NOT your friend.
Know your bears.
Hatcher and Seacrest Swapping Spit
I found this image almost as startling as the Britney Spears statue so I thought I’d pass it on. This is Desperate Housewives star Teri Hatcher kissing American Idol cheeseball, Ryan Seacrest. I don’t know which excuse is better for her: The fact that she’s a 40ish woman and he’s 10 years her junior or the fact that she was molested as a child. Either way, some serious pyschological issues seem to be impeding her better judgment.
I’m not going to go the hacky route and say he’s gay because the truth is, I don’t even think he’s human. The guy hosts a radio show five days a week and the number one tv show two nights a week. He also hosts a couple more programs I only know about because his billboards are on more corners in this town than Starbucks. Even if he had the talent to justify that many shows, no mortal being could maintain that kind of pace and keep up with the needs of a 40-year-old woman. Although, judging by the tight-lipped kiss, it appears the only person’s needs he’s fulfilling is his publicist’s.
I’ve already expressed my complete lack of understanding as to why I and 30 million other people watch American Idol each week. The only logical answer is that it’s some sort of massive mind control experiment and Ryan Seacrest was created as a way to make middle America comfortable with metrosexuals, which will eventually clear the way for homosexuals. The guy even speaks like a robot. I remember seeing him on an episode of Blind Date years ago and he talked in that phony radio voice even when he didn’t have a microphone in front of him. That’s just not normal.
I do have to say that as lame as I think Ryan Seacrest is, he’s still a better catch than Paula Abdul’s choice of younger men, Corey Clark. Each week you can see Paula kicking herself for not holding out for major stud, Ace. Last night when she told Ace, “You’ll have to tell me about that scar sometime,” Simon had to practically force her back onto her seat as her excitement caused her to slide off it. Or maybe it was the alcohol. She’s seemed pretty plastered on most of the shows this season.
Anyhooo…with Hatcher dating Seacrest, it begs the question, “Whatever happened to her and George Clooney?” Supposedly the two of them were an item just a few weeks ago. Apparently both sides are keeping mum about whether they had any sort of relationship. Hatcher even said, “If I went on a date with George Clooney I would not be talking about it.” That statement right there suggests that she too is a robot because any red-blooded woman would shout it from the mountain tops if she had a date with Clooney. Plus, witnesses to her date with Seacrest said she was laughing at his jokes. I think that pretty much confirms her cyborg status. Whatever those two are made of, all I ask is that they keep it inside from now on.
Funnier Than The Muhammad Cartoons Themselves
If I didn’t already have 10,000 t-shirts I never wear, I’d get this one because this is hysterical.
(Photos from: Samizdata.net)
Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):
I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)
YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE
I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S
(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).
Lincoln Memorial, Washington Monument, Britney Squeezing One Out
Since my eyes have been permanently scarred by this image, I felt the evil need to force it upon others. In case it’s not clear, this is a statue of Britney Spears. Giving birth. On a bearskin rug. Doggy style.
The website for Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in Brooklyn says:
Dedication of the life-sized statue celebrates the recent birth of Spears’ baby boy, Sean, and applauds her decision of placing family before career. “A superstar at Britney’s young age having a child is rare in today’s celebrity culture. This dedication honors Britney for the rarity of her choice and bravery of her decision,” said gallery co-director, Lincoln Capla.
Funny, nowhere does the tribute mention anything about the fact that Britney started dating the father while another woman was carrying his second child. She’s a real inspiration all right. The only bravery on Britney’s part is if she married him and had his baby without a prenuptial agreement.
Even though it’s called “Monument to Pro-Life” it looks more like “Monument to the Nasty in the Third Trimester.” The website features pictures of the statue from every angle except the back. I guess you have to pay the admission fee if you want to see that glorious vision. As icky as this is, we should be thankful the gallery didn’t opt for a different pro-life statue: Tom Cruise touching Katie Holmes’ fetus. On a bearskin rug. Doggy style.
MySpace- Thank You For Being A Friend
As promised, I’ve thrown myself into the MySpace mix with guns blazing. I was really surprised how many of my close friends had MySpace pages and how many groups there are that cater to my very specific interests. I hope you’ll check out my page and let me know what you think. I guess I should mention that the MySpace picture is a little more current than the photo on this site so it may come as a surprise to some of the regular readers:
Premature Jacked Elation
I had zero interest in the Olympic games until I heard about the gold medal peformance for stupidity. This newest entry to the “Agony of Defeat” reel occurred during the women’s snowboard cross finals. It plays out like a laughably unrealistic scene from a bad movie:
The race begins with four women vying for the three medals. At least they tell us those are women tearing down the mountain at warp speed but it’s hard to tell with the baggy clothes and helmets. Actually, even without the helmets it’s kind of hard to tell if some of them are really women.
About 10 seconds into the race, one contender literally flies off the screen into no man’s land and she’s never mentioned again. Moments later another boarder suddenly bounces off the course, taking out a huge protective net and the Syrian luge team with her. Conspiracy theories abound.
Two competitors are left. American Lindsey Jacobellis is so far ahead she’s in a 
different time zone and gets a bit cocky. I’m not exactly sure what happens next, maybe she’s text messaging “GOLD4USA!!” or maybe she’s enjoying an early victory bong hit. All I know for certain is that in an instant of stupidity, she’s tumbling in powder and the band cuts short its overhasty strains of “The Star Spangled Banner.” Lindsey manages to get back up quickly- just in time to see Switzerland’s Tanja Frieden cruise by at a snail’s pace and capture the gold. Apparently it’s not speed that wins the women’s snowboard cross finals, it’s a little self control.
An unbelievable display. A lifetime of hard work and sacrifices came down to one moment of grandstanding and a silver medal (I believe a Bosnian onlooker with a piece of plywood jumped in to take the bronze).
Lindsey Jacobellis blew her big shot. She’ll now embark on the endless talk show circuit where her actions will be analyzed and criticized and memorialized. She will become a household name and a permanent footnote in Olympic history. She will be the face of the slacker snowboarder. Meanwhile, the chick from Switzerland whose name I’ve already forgotten will have the gold.
On second thought, it was quite possibly the most brilliant stunt in Olympic history.
