A Very Unlucky Friday The 13th
I’ve always laughed in the face of superstition: I’ve flown several times on Friday the 13th (flights are cheap and the planes are usually empty). When I had to choose a number for a new cell phone (which I’d purchased on Friday the 13th), I jumped at the one with the prefix “666.” And I had the coolest black cat ever.
With the luck I have, I’m starting to think my disregard for superstitions ain’t so smart.
Last week’s Friday the 13th started out with an email from my poker site stating that because Bush was set to sign the Internet gambling bill later in the day, they were ceasing business with their US customers and all accounts would be closed at a certain time.
The letter was sent after that time had passed.
So I went into a bit of a panic realizing I was suddenly unemployed with only a few weeks of comedy work on the horizon. Plus I wondered if I’d ever see a significant amount of cash I have in two accounts ever again. The worst part is, unlike times in the past when I’ve been fired, this time I can’t stick it to the bastard who did it through unemployment. I suppose I could just stick it to Uncle Sam at tax time. After all, if the government doesn’t want me gambling online, I should probably just keep it to myself how much I earn (which, if there are any IRS agents reading this, is only about $20 this year).
I was furious because I’d emailed my site less than two weeks ago inquiring about how the bill could affect their operations with US customers and I was basically told that worst case scenario it would be nine months before anything went into affect. Silly me for thinking that such a specific detail as “nine months” meant my site knew what they were talking about and were providing me with accurate information.
Mass liquor consumption followed.
When I sobered up, I figured there had to be at least a few sites who realized the profit they could make off all these abandoned poker players had to offset any penalties the US government could impose (if they could even impose any- the bill seems to put all the responsibility on US financial institutions, not the players or the gambling sites). So I shot off a bunch of emails to poker sites and found that most are still allowing US players, at least for the time being. However, for some reason I don’t understand, many will not allow players from the following states: Michigan, Illinois, Louisiana, Oregon, Wisconsin, Washington, Indiana, Nevada, South Dakota, New York, New Jersey. The sites that won’t allow any US players at all seem to be mostly limited to “those in possession of Jenée’s money.”
I’m bummed to have to switch to a new site as I’d been very happy with my last site (well, up until that whole “your account’s closed” debacle). But last week’s panic has made me realize that I do have to consider other career possibilities soon rather than waiting until 8 months and 29 days have passed. In the meantime, if any of the links on this site seem particularly appealing (wink, wink, cough, cough) feel free to follow them.
For those poker players wondering where to go, here’s a short listing of some of the major sites’ current stance. Most of the links go to the responses that were sent to me. Some of the responses weren’t totally specific on how long they intend to do business with US customers, so some of my assumptions may not be correct. It’s best to contact the site directly if you have any concerns (and don’t be suprised if they promise you at least nine months then close your account the next day…)
Online financial institutions:
Neteller- (Which I think is by far the best) is allowing transactions. Their position is stated here.
Firepay- Has stopped all transfers to and from gaming sites.
Sites suggesting they’ll allow US players for at least 270 days following the bill’s 10/13/06 signing:
Poker Stars
Full Tilt Poker
Absolute Poker
Ultimate Bet
Prima Poker Network sites: All-In, Golden Riviera,
Sites allowing US players at least for short term:
Poker Room
Poker Rewards (state restrictions)
Prima Poker Network sites-Trident Group, Poker Metro (state restrictions), Gaming Club Poker (state restrictions), BetonBet (said it’s likely US players will not be allowed in the next week or two),
Sites not allowing any US players right now:
Party Poker
Paradise Poker (allowing existing players in non-restricted states, but no deposits)
Intertops- Not clear on current policy.
Prima Poker network sites- 32Red, Wild Jack Poker (not clear on current policy), Betway, Tell Poker, Purple Lounge, Spin Palace, Code Poker,
Poker Peeves
Despite how I may come across in writing, I’m actually a very even-tempered person. The only times I yell are when I’m driving and when I’m playing online poker. My neighbors must think I’m in an abusive lesbian relationship due to my frequent shouts of, “YOU STUPID BITCH! HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT CALL??!!” I do, however, show remarkable restraint in live games.
Playing poker creates a bit of conflict for me. On the one hand, stupid players are the reason I can make money at it. On the other hand, stupidity in any form bugs the crap out of me and I want an explanation for it. For the most part, I keep the chat function turned off but occasionally I turn it on and have been known to shoot off a snide comment here and there when someone’s ridiculous play gets lucky. It’s not that I’m a poor loser. Well, it’s partly that I’m a poor loser, but I’m also curious what possessed someone to make that play. Are they new? Did a mouse mistake work to their advantage? I want to know what made them think their 7/2 offsuit was worth all their chips. Unfortunately, explanations are hard to come by and I usually just get taunts which puts me somewhat on tilt and screws up my game. I hate lucky fools. Man how I wish I was one.
Besides those lucky bitches, some things that people often write that irk me:
“Good luck.”: If they really want me to have good luck, they should just fold and hand me their chips. Nobody wants their opponent to have good luck in a competition. They think saying this makes them look like a good sport but it only makes them sound like a phony.
“Nice hand.”: People rarely compliment you for the way you played a hand but they often compliment you on the cards you’re holding. Am I supposed to say “thanks” when all I did was sit in the right seat to get those cards? The fact is, monster hands may look nice but they don’t always pay well. I’d rather win a big pot with a nine high bluff than grab a couple blinds with quad aces.
“___ dude” or “___ man”: When someone says this to me, I usually respond with “___ lady” or “___ ma’am” and they always get all riled up about it. They say, “Why are you being a jerk?” and I say, “How am I being a jerk?” and they say, “By calling me a lady” (because apparently it’s extremely insulting to have someone think you’re a woman). So I tell them, “You started it by calling me man” and they say, “You’re a woman??” It’s as if they never considered that women play poker or they expect that we’ll have screen names like “ShoprGrl” or “ChickPlaya.”
“Poop” or “I’m going to poop on you”: Ok, I’ve only seen this once. And it was my friend who wrote it… over and over. I just hate it because it kept making me giggle. I really need to grow up.
And now my bad beat story from last night that I’m still steaming about: It was a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament and we were down to heads up. I had pocket 9′s and raised preflop about three times the big blind. He called. The flop was 6-8-9 with two hearts. So I flopped an extremely strong hand heads up but I couldn’t slow play it because of the flush and straight draws so I bet about the size of the pot. He raised. So I raised to put him all in, figuring if he was on a draw, he’d have to pay to catch it. He called… with 8-Q offsuit. Now, I could understand him putting in a raise to see if I was bluffing. But at the point I raised to put him all in, he should have assumed I had AT LEAST top pair, but given my preflop raise, he should have considered I had an overpair. It was a horrible, horrible call but I was pretty happy about it. The turn came Q. This gave me pause for concern because I do have such bad luck but with only two outs for him, it was looking good for me. Naturally the river was one of the two remaining queens. Unfuckingbelievable. It’s the story of my life: People do something incredibly stupid and I get screwed.
A Check Raise Is Better Than A Check Bounce
You gotta love shows like The World Poker Tour. Where else can you see someone walk away bitter and angry after winning half a million dollars? Oh wait, I know: Watch The World Series of Poker and see that same response after people have won millions of dollars.
I hope someday that bitterness will be mine.
Lucky Signs
Last night I went to 7-11 and my total came to $7.11. I was expecting balloons to fall from the ceiling and a bunch of people to jump out from the corners throwing confetti, but at 2 am all I got was a bored security guard and a cashier wearing an “I am not a terrorist” button.
I figured the numerical coincidence was a sign that I should buy a lottery ticket. Gamblers always see weird things as lucky signs. One time, my friend and I drove to Vegas and passed a burning car along the way. For some reason we were certain that was a lucky sign (nobody headed to Vegas sees anything as an unlucky sign). As it turned out, we lost our asses.
Before heading home, we tried to eat our “free” breakfast that cost enough to feed several third world countries for a year, but it’s hard to swallow when there’s a knot of suicidal intentions stuck in your throat. Then we got really stupid, yanked out some more cash and hit the tables again. The pitboss arranged to extend our room several hours. With five minutes to go until lockout, we’d both won ALL our money back! We literally ran to the elevators and desperately yelled, “Hold the door!!” The guy did and my friend and I turned into a couple of blathering idiots speaking 1000 words a minute:
“Omigod-we-were-up-all-night-and-we-lost-all-our-money-and-then-we-went-
back-to-the-tables-and-we-won-it-all-back…!”
for 20 floors. The guy smiled and said, “Right on.” All cool from Mr. Cool himself, Peter Fonda. Even though we didn’t actually win money on the trip, coming back from where we’d been felt unbelievably lucky, so now we always hope to see disasters on the road to Vegas.
Back to the 7-11. I bought a ticket and scratched it right there. I’ve learned not to take those home with me because when I do and win, it takes me about six months to finally turn it in. All the while it’s positioned in a prominent spot on my desk at least six inches from any other objects like it’s the Holy Grail and I’m terrified any clutter will cause me to throw it out by mistake. All that even though the most I ever won was $10 (once).
My sign recognition was once again on the money… I won $2 (off a $2 scratcher). I proudly handed the cashier the ticket and he ran it through the computer. Then he asked me, “How do you want it?”
I stood there staring at him with my mouth agape for a good 10 seconds. How do I want it? Hmmm, I don’t know…in gold bullion? Or maybe on one of those big checks from Ed McMahon. Better yet, throw it into a high yield cd, let it roll over and in a year I’ll have a nickel to toss to the homeless guys who accost me every time I walk in the joint.
How many options are there for two dollars? Maybe some people like to splurge and spend it all at once on Slurpees but I’ve learned my lesson and took the cold hard cash.
Another break-even victory for me!
I Was A Vegas Whale
I’ve been slacking a bit on my blog lately, but you know, the holidays. Actually the holidays have nothing to do with it, but it’s just such an easy excuse for everything. Late to meet someone? “Sorry, holiday traffic.” Want to cancel the meeting all together? “It’s a bad time- the holidays.” Want to eat something naughty? “Why not? It’s the holidays.” Pulled over by a cop? “Pleeeeeease?! It’s the holidays.”
Anyway, after I wrote my last blog, I remembered something lucky that happened to me. Well, I don’t think it would actually be considered luck but it was probably the only time I benefitted from other people’s incompetence.
About four years ago, I visited Vegas pretty regularly. I was receiving so many room comps I couldn’t use all of them. Then the Paris Hotel and Casino sent me some great ones (which I thought was odd because I’d only played there a couple times). The offers were amazing: two or three nights room, $100 slot comp, $100 food comp, VIP receptions with gifts and entry to million dollar prize tournaments (that cost around $2000 for others to enter). I didn’t question my new status, just took advantage of all I could. I participated in the black jack tournaments and even a six hour bingo tournament (naturally, I won nothing). This went on for several months.
One day I called to make reservations for an offer and the lady took some time processing the information. She came back on the line and said, “I’m looking at your play history and I’m wondering, what’s your average bet?”
I told her, “Oh, around 25 dollars.”
She said, “There’s been some sort of mistake. We have you rated at four thousand dollars a hand.”
My initial instinct told me to say, “Well, I start at 25 dollars and if I win the hand, I bump it up to four grand.” But I didn’t think she’d buy it.
She told me that she’d honor the room comp but I wouldn’t be able to participate in the tournament. Damn, the jig was up!
Needless to say, I was pretty surprised when I received more deals after that which, of course, I quickly scooped up. One of the offers included a couple days over New Year’s and tickets to see Don Rickles (where I was set to party with Rickles and Aaron Spelling- I gotta relay that story in my next blog).
I learned that the Paris’ incompetence extended beyond their player’s club. On one occasion, I was arriving late and called to have them hold my room. As I always do, I requested the closest room to the casino (I’m a gambler- I don’t have time for lengthy elevator rides and long hallways). Sure enough, they gave me almost the exact opposite: a junior suite one floor from the top. Most people wouldn’t be too disappointed with an error like that but since I probably only spent about two hours total in the room, I’d have preferred the Marlboro-scented housekeeping closet right off the casino floor.
But all good things must come to an end (at least for me). After a few months, I called to abuse another offer and I think I got the lady who caught the $4000 error the first time. This time she put a stop to the freebies for good and I’ve never heard from the Paris since. In an instant, my status dropped from Vegas whale to Vegas guppy. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.
Luck Be A Nene
I’m not a lucky person- never have been. If I’ve ever won anything, it was so insignificant that I can’t even recall what it was. I’ve never won a raffle, even when the odds were heavily stacked in my favor. I’ve never hit a decent slot machine payout on the first pull. If I pick heads, it’s tails. If I shoot rock, someone else shoots paper. I’m always “miny” instead of “mo.” Publisher’s Clearinghouse doesn’t even bother to send me their annual letter. If they did, it would probably say, “You might already be a winner…oh who are we kidding?”
When I play craps, the dealer always yells, “Lady shooter coming out” and all the guys at the table bump up their bets because of the “lucky lady.” I’ll usually roll two or three numbers, just enough so that the other players have money committed all over the board, then I seven out. Everybody gives me this look of disgust as if I’d promised them millions.
A couple years ago, I was snowboarding, hit an icy patch and skidded out of control about 50 yards and was finally able to stop at the edge of a big drop (the ski resort’s protection from the plunge? A thin rope bearing bright orange flags). A skiier who witnessed my descent came over and asked if I was okay. He looked at what could have been then declared, “Looks like today’s your lucky day.” Man that sucks. On everybody else’s lucky day they happen to be in the right place at the right time to win a car or meet Mr. Perfect or land their dream job. On my lucky day, I don’t die. That doesn’t seem quite fair.
I’ve had to work for everything I’ve ever had (which, admittedly, isn’t much). No free rides for me. The closest I’ve ever come to someone handing something to me was a few years into my comedy career when a very successful Las Vegas producer saw me perform at the Laugh Factory and indicated a strong interest in building a show around me and my standup. We had several discussions about the nature of the show when he mentioned getting a tie-in with Playboy. What?? Turns out he was thinking about a topless revue (I wonder if I should have taken that as an insult toward my comedy skills). No, I didn’t take the offer but THAT’s the sort of opportunity I get handed.
The fact that I’m able to make a living at poker, a field where luck can be so helpful, is unbelievable to me. Either I’m a phenomenal player or I’m playing people who really suck. It’s poker that made me realize how truly unlucky I am. I’m amazed at how often my opponents defy huge mathematical odds to catch the one or two miracle cards that beat me. If I had to guess, I would say that when I have the dominating hand, it holds up about 50% of the time but when my opponents have the dominating hand, it holds up about 80% of the time (and I’m probably only scoring that 20% against people who are even unluckier than I am). I won’t explain how I can have those kinds of stats and still win, but if you know poker you understand. I have to work for all my wins.
I’m not complaining or feeling sorry for myself, mostly because I have this irrational belief that since I haven’t had any luck in the past, I’ll catch it in a big way in the future. Then again, with my luck, it will probably be something like herpes that I catch in a big way.
