Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots » Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

A Perfect Union

Jenée — Fri, 09 Jun 2006 22:24:49 +0000

My sister sent me the following pictures with the caption “Tennessee Wedding.” While I don’t have definitive proof that the wedding took place in Tennessee, I think the evidence speaks for itself. (Click photos to enlarge)

The groomsmen attended on their lunch break from Wal-Mart.

Bridesmaid #1- “I’m going to be the next American Idol.”
Bridesmaid #2- “This is mortifying. How can I be related to these people?”
Bride- “I knew Uncle Skeeter’s garage door would make the perfect backdrop.”
Bridesmaid #3- “I can’t believe I’m doing this after that bitch stole my Billy Bob.”
Bridesmaid #4- “American Idol will be my ticket outta this hellhole”
Bridesmaid #5- “I’m gonna have a daytime wedding in red too. It’s so classy.”
Flower girl- “Somebody help me. I was abducted and brought here.”

Billy Bob cut his meth intake to just three hits for his special day.

“Brad and Angelina’s kid won’t have anything on our offspring.”

(Including that extra chromosome).

Bessie: “Take a look at what you other boys won’t be getting… ever again. At least, not without Billy Bob’s permission. Or $5. Or just a 40 ouncer of Pabst Blue Ribbon.”
Billy Bob: “Uh, hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk. That’s muh gurl!”

You just know he’ll be giving it to her doggie style before the night is through. And by “night” I mean “wedding reception.” (No need to thank me for putting that image in your head).

On the advice of Bessie’s Grandma (who’s also Billy Bob’s Aunt), the bride cops the traditional wedding feel.

“Wassa happening hot stuff?”

Links: [Dan Mancini->http://danmancini.blogspot.com/], [Leaning Straight Up->http://leaningstraightup.com/], [Pirate's Cove->http://www.thepiratescove.us/], [Woman Honor Thyself->http://www.womanhonorthyself.com/]

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Music Swap

Jenée — Tue, 09 May 2006 21:29:54 +0000

This clip from TVgasm demonstrates how a tv scene’s mood changes when another show’s theme music is applied, such as 24‘s Jack Bauer working to The Golden Girls theme song. I got a kick out of it.

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Wanted: Heathens To Pick Up Poop

Jenée — Fri, 05 May 2006 19:22:33 +0000

Thanks to bobgirrl’s trackback, I found this site: JesusPets. Like her, I originally questioned if it was legit but after reading a few of the posts, I see it’s not. And it’s hilarious.

A little sampler for you:

If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)

JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.

Tags: jesus pets, christian, aliens, dog

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Sticky Buns

Jenée — Thu, 04 May 2006 04:34:39 +0000

A 20-year-old was found by a Wal-Mart employee in the bathroom Sunday night after he sat down and was glued to the toilet seat.

(Full story)

Where do I start with this one? I guess with the lesson every parent should teach their kids: Don’t put your bare ass on a public toilet. If the guy had placed the paper cover on the seat, he would have noticed that it didn’t fall right into the bowl as seat covers are prone to do thus bringing to his attention that something was amiss. But apparently he felt confident that people looking to save an extra nickel on Top Ramen have the sort of defecation habits that don’t necessitate the use of protective covers. Or perhaps he’d just eaten some Wal-Mart delectables and had to run to the restroom so fast he didn’t have time to put one down. While I don’t condone vandalizing property, I do see the prank as a sort of “Idiot Identification System” and I encourage all discount shopping chains to add the sticky seat to their bathrooms. And I mean sticky-stuck seats instead of the sticky-yuck seats they currently have.

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The New Monopoly

Jenée — Sun, 30 Apr 2006 15:03:40 +0000

Hasboro is updating the 70-year-old Monopoly game and they’re asking for the public’s suggestions. I have a few ideas to make the game more modern and realistic:

The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.

The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.

The pieces:

I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.

Chance and Treasure Chest cards:

That Columbia Records and Tapes club membership you welched on comes back to haunt you with a blip on your credit report. Pay an additional 10% interest on each property.

A sex offender moves into the neighborhood, which threatens to lower property values. Pay $1,000 for each house, $5,000 for each hotel for a lynch mob to drive him out of town.

You save the life of a teamster. Advance to the nearest utility. If it is already owned- fuggedaboutit. It’s yours now.

Dropped phone call costs you a big deal. Pay $300 to get out of your current cellular contract.

A Hollywood location scout has chosen your properties for reality shows. Receive $1000 for each house, $5000 for each hotel.

Bad time to get lonely on a business trip- that hooker has a dick. And a badge. Go directly to jail.

Your new accountant’s questionable deductions go unquestioned by the IRS. Collect $5000.

Terrorists attack. Lose all houses and hotels.

Think they’ll use any of my ideas?

“The Office” PSA’s

Jenée — Mon, 03 Apr 2006 08:50:00 +0000

More tv stuff that’s too good to not share… In the past I’ve bragged about my amazing skills with the remote control. Well, little did I know that the Public Service Announcements I breezed through during the last episode of The Office were actually spoofs of NBC’s cheesy “The More You Know” PSA’s. NBC put 16 of them up on their website and a few had me close to tears they’re so funny. My favorite is “Know Your Bears,” though all of the ones featuring Rainn Wilson are particularly funny. That guy kills me. You have to check these out.

The Office PSA’s:
Office Relationship
Ã¢â‚¬Å“ThumbÃ¢â‚¬Â common misperceptions.
Friends don’t let friends drink expensive beer.
Wedding Invite
Meteor
Arctic Wolf.
The worst thing you could ever do.
Nothing wrong with average.
Smell you later.
The hidden dangers of cake.
Never feel ashamed of something foul.
A really, really good movie.
Beware the black beans.
Use two shades for maximum cuteness.
Saltines are NOT your friend.
Know your bears.

(Complete list with ratings)

Tags: nbc, the office, rainn wilson, psa, public service announcement, april fools

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Funnier Than The Muhammad Cartoons Themselves

Jenée — Mon, 27 Mar 2006 23:29:28 +0000

If I didn’t already have 10,000 t-shirts I never wear, I’d get this one because this is hysterical.

(Photos from: Samizdata.net)

Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):

I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)

YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE

I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S

(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME

1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d

(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).

Tags: muhammad cartoon, t-shirt, mohammad, t-shirt hell, alzheimers, bird flu

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MySpace- Thank You For Being A Friend

Jenée — Thu, 23 Feb 2006 10:41:00 +0000

As promised, I’ve thrown myself into the MySpace mix with guns blazing. I was really surprised how many of my close friends had MySpace pages and how many groups there are that cater to my very specific interests. I hope you’ll check out my page and let me know what you think. I guess I should mention that the MySpace picture is a little more current than the photo on this site so it may come as a surprise to some of the regular readers:

Jenée’s MySpace page

Online Dating Fiasco

Jenée — Mon, 13 Feb 2006 07:58:00 +0000

I have to confess, I did something really stupid. I figured I’d give online dating a shot and decided to sign up at Match.com. I paid my non-refundable membership fees and waited for the emails to pour in. Apparently I didn’t read the fine print and it turns out I signed up at misMatch.com. I don’t want my money to go to waste so I’ve decided to make the best of it. Below are the profiles they sent me. Let me know if you think any would suit me.

Bachelor #1
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #3

Tags: online+dating, internet+dating, personals, match, gag+profiles, bachelor, single, dating

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You’re Not Gonna Believe This

Jenée — Tue, 24 Jan 2006 06:55:00 +0000

I was finishing up today’s post when an email brought to my attention the fact that my blog is missing the “flag?” button. Now, it’s possible that the Blogger powers-that-be stumbled upon my blog (which isn’t hard to do these days), realized the enormous social importance of this blog (through such topics as the American Idol premiere, Paris Hilton’s smashup and Robbie Kneivel’s sex life) and decided to rid me of the oppressive judgment measure other Blogger users are subjected to.

But since I don’t live in Never Never Land, I know that didn’t happen.

Instead, it appears that I’m the recipient of some flagging (derived from the words “fag” and “flogging”) which is done by closed-minded sheep boinkers (although, it could have been done by a friend, in which case, that’s pretty funny).

I was curious if the flagging was due to my blog’s content or my “increased visibility within Blogger.” So I checked out the other blogs occupying the recently updated list. The first three sites all had their flags in place. Then I got to “Poker Abby Teaches Poker.” I wanted that page almost as much as I wanted “Lesbian Therapy.” It, too, didn’t have a flag. In fact, it didn’t have any page at all! You guessed it… I am seizing the world one recently updated blog at a time! And it never ceases to crack me up.

I figured I was already pushing it with the two other blogs pointing here. But I’m not quite ready to get rid of “My Blog” so I decided to keep the new site in it’s usual location and continue in the tradition of the old Poker Abby’s advice blog. However, it’s no longer advice on playing poker, it’s just advice coming from a poker player. As you can guess, this ain’t Dear Abby’s kind of advice. For the two of you who don’t already know the way to the page go to: Poker Abby. (Stop by and submit a question)

As for any further conquering, I do believe this is it. I’m sure by this time next week, I’ll no longer have a Blogger account, though I don’t think I’ve actually broken any rules. Regardless, flag me all you want- this blog’s not going anywhere.

Tags: blogger+flag, blogger, american+idol, paris+hilton, robbie+knievel, dear+abby

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