A Perfect Union
My sister sent me the following pictures with the caption “Tennessee Wedding.” While I don’t have definitive proof that the wedding took place in Tennessee, I think the evidence speaks for itself. (Click photos to enlarge)
The groomsmen attended on their lunch break from Wal-Mart.
Bridesmaid #1- “I’m going to be the next American Idol.”
Bridesmaid #2- “This is mortifying. How can I be related to these people?”
Bride- “I knew Uncle Skeeter’s garage door would make the perfect backdrop.”
Bridesmaid #3- “I can’t believe I’m doing this after that bitch stole my Billy Bob.”
Bridesmaid #4- “American Idol will be my ticket outta this hellhole”
Bridesmaid #5- “I’m gonna have a daytime wedding in red too. It’s so classy.”
Flower girl- “Somebody help me. I was abducted and brought here.”
Billy Bob cut his meth intake to just three hits for his special day.
“Brad and Angelina’s kid won’t have anything on our offspring.”
(Including that extra chromosome).
Bessie: “Take a look at what you other boys won’t be getting… ever again. At least, not without Billy Bob’s permission. Or $5. Or just a 40 ouncer of Pabst Blue Ribbon.”
Billy Bob: “Uh, hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk. That’s muh gurl!”
You just know he’ll be giving it to her doggie style before the night is through. And by “night” I mean “wedding reception.” (No need to thank me for putting that image in your head).
On the advice of Bessie’s Grandma (who’s also Billy Bob’s Aunt), the bride cops the traditional wedding feel.
Music Swap
This clip from TVgasm demonstrates how a tv scene’s mood changes when another show’s theme music is applied, such as 24‘s Jack Bauer working to The Golden Girls theme song. I got a kick out of it.
Wanted: Heathens To Pick Up Poop
Thanks to bobgirrl’s trackback, I found this site: JesusPets. Like her, I originally questioned if it was legit but after reading a few of the posts, I see it’s not. And it’s hilarious.
A little sampler for you:
If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)
JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.
Sticky Buns
A 20-year-old was found by a Wal-Mart employee in the bathroom Sunday night after he sat down and was glued to the toilet seat.
Where do I start with this one? I guess with the lesson every parent should teach their kids: Don’t put your bare ass on a public toilet. If the guy had placed the paper cover on the seat, he would have noticed that it didn’t fall right into the bowl as seat covers are prone to do thus bringing to his attention that something was amiss. But apparently he felt confident that people looking to save an extra nickel on Top Ramen have the sort of defecation habits that don’t necessitate the use of protective covers. Or perhaps he’d just eaten some Wal-Mart delectables and had to run to the restroom so fast he didn’t have time to put one down. While I don’t condone vandalizing property, I do see the prank as a sort of “Idiot Identification System” and I encourage all discount shopping chains to add the sticky seat to their bathrooms. And I mean sticky-stuck seats instead of the sticky-yuck seats they currently have.
The New Monopoly
Hasboro is updating the 70-year-old Monopoly game and they’re asking for the public’s suggestions. I have a few ideas to make the game more modern and realistic:
The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.
The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.
The pieces:
I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.
Chance and Treasure Chest cards:
Think they’ll use any of my ideas?
“The Office” PSA’s
More tv stuff that’s too good to not share… In the past I’ve bragged about my amazing skills with the remote control. Well, little did I know that the Public Service Announcements I breezed through during the last episode of The Office were actually spoofs of NBC’s cheesy “The More You Know” PSA’s. NBC put 16 of them up on their website and a few had me close to tears they’re so funny. My favorite is “Know Your Bears,” though all of the ones featuring Rainn Wilson are particularly funny. That guy kills me. You have to check these out.
The Office PSA’s:
Office Relationship
“Thumb†common misperceptions.
Friends don’t let friends drink expensive beer.
Wedding Invite
Meteor
Arctic Wolf.
The worst thing you could ever do.
Nothing wrong with average.
Smell you later.
The hidden dangers of cake.
Never feel ashamed of something foul.
A really, really good movie.
Beware the black beans.
Use two shades for maximum cuteness.
Saltines are NOT your friend.
Know your bears.
Funnier Than The Muhammad Cartoons Themselves
If I didn’t already have 10,000 t-shirts I never wear, I’d get this one because this is hysterical.
(Photos from: Samizdata.net)
Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):
I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)
YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE
I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S
(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).
MySpace- Thank You For Being A Friend
As promised, I’ve thrown myself into the MySpace mix with guns blazing. I was really surprised how many of my close friends had MySpace pages and how many groups there are that cater to my very specific interests. I hope you’ll check out my page and let me know what you think. I guess I should mention that the MySpace picture is a little more current than the photo on this site so it may come as a surprise to some of the regular readers:
Online Dating Fiasco
I have to confess, I did something really stupid. I figured I’d give online dating a shot and decided to sign up at Match.com. I paid my non-refundable membership fees and waited for the emails to pour in. Apparently I didn’t read the fine print and it turns out I signed up at misMatch.com. I don’t want my money to go to waste so I’ve decided to make the best of it. Below are the profiles they sent me. Let me know if you think any would suit me.
Bachelor #1
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #3
You’re Not Gonna Believe This
I was finishing up today’s post when an email brought to my attention the fact that my blog is missing the “flag?” button. Now, it’s possible that the Blogger powers-that-be stumbled upon my blog (which isn’t hard to do these days), realized the enormous social importance of this blog (through such topics as the American Idol premiere, Paris Hilton’s smashup and Robbie Kneivel’s sex life) and decided to rid me of the oppressive judgment measure other Blogger users are subjected to.
But since I don’t live in Never Never Land, I know that didn’t happen.
Instead, it appears that I’m the recipient of some flagging (derived from the words “fag” and “flogging”) which is done by closed-minded sheep boinkers (although, it could have been done by a friend, in which case, that’s pretty funny).
I was curious if the flagging was due to my blog’s content or my “increased visibility within Blogger.” So I checked out the other blogs occupying the recently updated list. The first three sites all had their flags in place. Then I got to “Poker Abby Teaches Poker.” I wanted that page almost as much as I wanted “Lesbian Therapy.” It, too, didn’t have a flag. In fact, it didn’t have any page at all! You guessed it… I am seizing the world one recently updated blog at a time! And it never ceases to crack me up.
I figured I was already pushing it with the two other blogs pointing here. But I’m not quite ready to get rid of “My Blog” so I decided to keep the new site in it’s usual location and continue in the tradition of the old Poker Abby’s advice blog. However, it’s no longer advice on playing poker, it’s just advice coming from a poker player. As you can guess, this ain’t Dear Abby’s kind of advice. For the two of you who don’t already know the way to the page go to: Poker Abby. (Stop by and submit a question)
As for any further conquering, I do believe this is it. I’m sure by this time next week, I’ll no longer have a Blogger account, though I don’t think I’ve actually broken any rules. Regardless, flag me all you want- this blog’s not going anywhere.
Happy (Last) Birthday
This morning, California executed a guy minutes after his 76th birthday ended. I can’t help but wonder how his final visitors handled the situation. Did they wish him a happy birthday? Did they bring him gifts? (If so, did they keep the receipts)? Hallmark claims to have “cards for every occasion” but I’ve never seen a “condemned loved one” section in the greeting card aisle. I can only guess this is what some of his cards said:
Front: On this, your birthday, remember…
Inside: Live each day like it’s your last!
Front: Who would have thought you’d reach the ripe old age of 76?
Inside: Certainly not 12 former jurors
Front: At your age, don’t think of it as having one foot in the grave
Inside: Think of it as having one vein out of the grave
Front: Most guys your age can only blow out five candles
Inside: Tomorrow, you won’t even be able to do that
Front: We highly recommend you live it up on this birthday
Inside: Love, The Supreme Court Justices
Front: Congrats on receiving the birthday present you always wanted
Inside: You’re getting out of prison!
Front: A lot of people get hung up on their birthdays
Inside: Few have it happen the following day
Front: Do you remember the birthday celebrations of your youth…
Inside: …when you used to shoot up just for fun?
Front: Everybody has a tough time waking up the morning after their birthday
Inside: Some more than others
Front: You may be over the hill today…
Inside: …but you’ll be six feet under it tomorrow
Just Jenée
When I started out in standup, I used my first and last names on stage. Then I had a few incidents with creepy guys that made me think I shouldn’t. So I figured until I hear about another Jenée in the business, one name will do. Kinda like Madonna or Cher or God.
Over the years, when people have asked what my last name is, I’ve declined to tell them. Not because it’s a big secret but because people always say, “You won’t tell me? Whatever, I really don’t care.” And then they go to great lengths to try and find out what it is. So I withhold the information out of sheer amusement.
A comic I play poker with kept harping on about it until one night another guy said it was “Minkman.” I have no idea where he came up with that but I found it interesting because my grandfather was a furrier. For the next year, everybody in the game referred to me as “Minkman” before the first guy finally learned that wasn’t my real name.
One time at a friend’s party, a different guy was going crazy because I wouldn’t tell him my name- he was borderline hostile. A little while later, my friend Courtney pulls me aside and says, “Listen, the guy was really harassing me so I told him your name. Don’t be mad at me, you’ll probably never see him again.” Well, I was a bit annoyed because it wasn’t her business to tell him when she knew I didn’t want him to know.
Sure enough, the guy comes over to me and he can’t contain this newfound knowledge. He starts dropping hints about knowing my name. But I didn’t get what he was talking about. Pretty soon he says, “Dachau…Dachau…” I still didn’t get it. Finally he says, “Look, I know. It’s cool, she told me you’re sensitive about having the last name Auschwitz.”
Apparently he didn’t notice the beer spew out of every orifice in my head or the fact that I was doubled over in laughter, because he refused to believe me when I said that wasn’t my name. Auschwitz?! HA HA HA!
Since Auschwitz doesn’t quite suit me, I’m sticking to one name for now but if I ever do use a last name on stage it will probably be “Sequoi.” Doesn’t that have a catchy ring to it? Jenée Sequoi. I figure people would see me perform and think, “That girl has a certain…..something. I don’t know what.”
99 Cent Store Gift Card
While shopping at the $.99 Store (because I make the big bucks), I noticed they have a gift card available for purchase. Now first of all, I think receiving any gift card is a little awkward. It’s as if the giver is saying, “I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I’m afraid you’d spend cash on booze and gambling.”
But a gift card to the $.99 Store just says, “I have absolutely no idea what you like, but I know you don’t mind crap.”
So of course I had to buy one for my friend- and I only wanted to put $.98 on it. The problem is, you have to buy it for $9.99 so I tried explaining to the Mexican cashier that I wanted to use up all but $.98 on the card. It took me a good five minutes just to get her to understand how to charge $9.01 to the card, but she never got the joke.
I guess some things just don’t translate well.
