Of course I have to comment on the “most dramatic finale ever” of The Bachelor. Just to recap what I’ve written about recent seasons of The Bachelor/ette: first we had Brad Womack, the tool who told the final two contestants that he could see each of them as his wife then he proceeded to dump both of them in the end. So then reject Deanna Pappas got her “second shot at love” and her final two choices were crazy snowboarder Jesse and divorced father Jason. She chose Jesse but not before letting Jason get down on his knees to propose to her. Then this season, reject Jason Resnick was picked to be The Bachelor and get his “second third shot at love.”
I didn’t like the selection from the beginning. The Bachelor is supposed be a sort of fantasy guy and Jason’s just average in every way. But that didn’t stop 25 women from wanting to be the stepmother of his child before they ever met him. I’d love to see them attempt to do The Bachelorette with a single mother. It would last all of one episode as the guys would all hightail it out of there the second they heard about her bundle of joy.
I had long expected his final choices would be Jillian and Melissa so I was a little surprised when he dumped Jillian for Molly but I was still certain he’d pick Melissa in the end. So it was Melissa and Molly who got to meet his son Ty and his family who drilled both women about the heartache Jason’s been through and whether or not they would put him through that again. ‘Cuz Jason’s such an “amazing” (Jason must have uttered that word 1000 times this season) guy. But then (gasp!) Deanna shows up at Jason’s door because she just happened to be in the neighborhood of New Zealand where filming was taking place. The moment responsible for the show’s resurgence in ratings had finally arrived! And it ended with a quick plunk. Deanna said she’d made a mistake choosing Jesse and she should have chosen Jason instead. Jason essentially responded with, “Thanks for coming, put me down for two of whatever you’re selling and get out of here before little Ty sees you and gets even more confused about who his new Mommy is going to be.”
At the final rose ceremony, a tortured Jason chose Melissa, once again getting down on one knee but this time without being told to get back up again. He swung Melissa in his arms as they kissed and shouted their love for each other then the two of them, along with Ty, jumped with their fancy clothes on into an eternity pool. Unfortunately, an inflatable wading pool (with a tear in it) would have been a better symbol of their relationship to come.
In the “dramatic” After the Rose special, Jason said he’d given it a go with Melissa (for all of about a month) but decided he was really in love with Molly. Even better, he hadn’t officially dumped Melissa yet because heaven forbid he should do anything in his love life without the cameras rolling. So he broke up with Melissa (who constantly reminded us throughout the season how she’s always the dumpee) during the taping.
The most painful part of the episode was watching Melissa return the ring. I was fairly certain there weren’t any women on the closed set because if there were, I’m sure we would have heard at least one yell, “NOOOOO!!!!” Poor Melissa apparently doesn’t know the rule about engagement rings: if the girl breaks the guy’s heart, she returns the ring. If the guy is a douchebag like Jason, she sells the ring and uses the money for plastic surgery so she can find a new man (and from what I’ve heard, that was a $65,000 ring, which could keep her swimming in Restylane injections and breast implants for a long time).
Two minutes after dumping his fiancee, Jason asked Molly for another shot and she said yes and they slobbered all over each other, presumably with Melissa’s down payment for a house ring still in his pocket.
Look, I have no problem with Jason deciding Melissa wasn’t the one and wanting another chance with Molly. It’s the fact that he did it all on tv when it was completely unnecessary to do so that was just completely classless. And he seemed oblivious about how selfish his behavior was, saying that he had to follow his heart. Sure, when it’s Jason whose feelings get stomped upon, he spends six months on television telling the world he deserves better but the first chance he gets he breaks a girl’s heart and humiliates her in front of the whole nation.
I’m not surprised that third place finisher Jillian was anounced as the next Bachelorette but the way these rejects are going the second time around, I won’t be surprised if she ends up choosing married host Chris Harrison to be her guy.
My poor nephew Zach. Last year he stumbled upon a video of Santa being shot on Christmas Eve, and here he is discovering that his gingerbread house has gone into foreclosure. I fear if Santa doesn’t get him that Playstation he’s dying for, the only bailout he’ll need is from jail.
Here’s wishing everybody a Mele Kalikimaka!
Well the first photo from Bessie and Billy Bob’s Tennessee wedding night is in and I have to share.
Because I’m 12.
This clip from TVgasm demonstrates how a tv scene’s mood changes when another show’s theme music is applied, such as 24‘s Jack Bauer working to The Golden Girls theme song. I got a kick out of it.
A little sampler for you:
If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)
JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.
Hasboro is updating the 70-year-old Monopoly game and they’re asking for the public’s suggestions. I have a few ideas to make the game more modern and realistic:
The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.
The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.
I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.
Chance and Treasure Chest cards:
Think they’ll use any of my ideas?
More tv stuff that’s too good to not share… In the past I’ve bragged about my amazing skills with the remote control. Well, little did I know that the Public Service Announcements I breezed through during the last episode of The Office were actually spoofs of NBC’s cheesy “The More You Know” PSA’s. NBC put 16 of them up on their website and a few had me close to tears they’re so funny. My favorite is “Know Your Bears,” though all of the ones featuring Rainn Wilson are particularly funny. That guy kills me. You have to check these out.
The Office PSA’s:
Ã¢â‚¬Å“ThumbÃ¢â‚¬Â common misperceptions.
Friends don’t let friends drink expensive beer.
The worst thing you could ever do.
Nothing wrong with average.
Smell you later.
The hidden dangers of cake.
Never feel ashamed of something foul.
A really, really good movie.
Beware the black beans.
Use two shades for maximum cuteness.
Saltines are NOT your friend.
Know your bears.
If I didn’t already have 10,000 t-shirts I never wear, I’d get this one because this is hysterical.
(Photos from: Samizdata.net)
Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):
I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)
YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE
I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S
(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).