The Louse Of The Year
Maybe Jason is reconsidering his third choice, Jillian.
Of course I have to comment on the “most dramatic finale ever” of The Bachelor. Just to recap what I’ve written about recent seasons of The Bachelor/ette: first we had Brad Womack, the tool who told the final two contestants that he could see each of them as his wife then he proceeded to dump both of them in the end. So then reject Deanna Pappas got her “second shot at love” and her final two choices were crazy snowboarder Jesse and divorced father Jason. She chose Jesse but not before letting Jason get down on his knees to propose to her. Then this season, reject Jason Resnick was picked to be The Bachelor and get his “second third shot at love.”
I didn’t like the selection from the beginning. The Bachelor is supposed be a sort of fantasy guy and Jason’s just average in every way. But that didn’t stop 25 women from wanting to be the stepmother of his child before they ever met him. I’d love to see them attempt to do The Bachelorette with a single mother. It would last all of one episode as the guys would all hightail it out of there the second they heard about her bundle of joy.
I had long expected his final choices would be Jillian and Melissa so I was a little surprised when he dumped Jillian for Molly but I was still certain he’d pick Melissa in the end. So it was Melissa and Molly who got to meet his son Ty and his family who drilled both women about the heartache Jason’s been through and whether or not they would put him through that again. ‘Cuz Jason’s such an “amazing” (Jason must have uttered that word 1000 times this season) guy. But then (gasp!) Deanna shows up at Jason’s door because she just happened to be in the neighborhood of New Zealand where filming was taking place. The moment responsible for the show’s resurgence in ratings had finally arrived! And it ended with a quick plunk. Deanna said she’d made a mistake choosing Jesse and she should have chosen Jason instead. Jason essentially responded with, “Thanks for coming, put me down for two of whatever you’re selling and get out of here before little Ty sees you and gets even more confused about who his new Mommy is going to be.”
At the final rose ceremony, a tortured Jason chose Melissa, once again getting down on one knee but this time without being told to get back up again. He swung Melissa in his arms as they kissed and shouted their love for each other then the two of them, along with Ty, jumped with their fancy clothes on into an eternity pool. Unfortunately, an inflatable wading pool (with a tear in it) would have been a better symbol of their relationship to come.
In the “dramatic” After the Rose special, Jason said he’d given it a go with Melissa (for all of about a month) but decided he was really in love with Molly. Even better, he hadn’t officially dumped Melissa yet because heaven forbid he should do anything in his love life without the cameras rolling. So he broke up with Melissa (who constantly reminded us throughout the season how she’s always the dumpee) during the taping.
The most painful part of the episode was watching Melissa return the ring. I was fairly certain there weren’t any women on the closed set because if there were, I’m sure we would have heard at least one yell, “NOOOOO!!!!” Poor Melissa apparently doesn’t know the rule about engagement rings: if the girl breaks the guy’s heart, she returns the ring. If the guy is a douchebag like Jason, she sells the ring and uses the money for plastic surgery so she can find a new man (and from what I’ve heard, that was a $65,000 ring, which could keep her swimming in Restylane injections and breast implants for a long time).
Two minutes after dumping his fiancee, Jason asked Molly for another shot and she said yes and they slobbered all over each other, presumably with Melissa’s down payment for a house ring still in his pocket.
Look, I have no problem with Jason deciding Melissa wasn’t the one and wanting another chance with Molly. It’s the fact that he did it all on tv when it was completely unnecessary to do so that was just completely classless. And he seemed oblivious about how selfish his behavior was, saying that he had to follow his heart. Sure, when it’s Jason whose feelings get stomped upon, he spends six months on television telling the world he deserves better but the first chance he gets he breaks a girl’s heart and humiliates her in front of the whole nation.
I’m not surprised that third place finisher Jillian was anounced as the next Bachelorette but the way these rejects are going the second time around, I won’t be surprised if she ends up choosing married host Chris Harrison to be her guy.
Gingerbread House Foreclosure
My poor nephew Zach. Last year he stumbled upon a video of Santa being shot on Christmas Eve, and here he is discovering that his gingerbread house has gone into foreclosure. I fear if Santa doesn’t get him that Playstation he’s dying for, the only bailout he’ll need is from jail.
Here’s wishing everybody a Mele Kalikimaka!
The Blushing Bride And The Breathless Groom
Well the first photo from Bessie and Billy Bob’s Tennessee wedding night is in and I have to share.
Because I’m 12.
Music Swap
This clip from TVgasm demonstrates how a tv scene’s mood changes when another show’s theme music is applied, such as 24‘s Jack Bauer working to The Golden Girls theme song. I got a kick out of it.
Wanted: Heathens To Pick Up Poop
Thanks to bobgirrl’s trackback, I found this site: JesusPets. Like her, I originally questioned if it was legit but after reading a few of the posts, I see it’s not. And it’s hilarious.
A little sampler for you:
If you’re a Christian, you’ve got a big problem on your hands. After you’re swept away to walk the streets of gold with Jesus, red hot lava is going to pour from Mt. St. Helens and right over your dog, leaving his burned body encased for millennia until discovered by godless alien archeologists. And what do you suppose they’ll do to his charred yet supple and hermetically sealed haunches? They are godless after all. (What would you do? That long space voyage sure can be lonely.)
JesusPets has the solution. For a modest fee you can live for eternity relatively guilt-free knowing a JesusPets animal lover took care of your dog for the rest of his or her natural life.
The New Monopoly
Hasboro is updating the 70-year-old Monopoly game and they’re asking for the public’s suggestions. I have a few ideas to make the game more modern and realistic:
The corners “Go,” “Jail” and “Free Parking” will remain the same, but they’ll each now share space with a Starbucks. Every time you land on one you’ll have to pay $10 for a double decaf mocha latte.
The cheap properties- purple and blue- are on indian land. Owners are allowed to build casinos for the price of four hotels.
The pieces:
I have no idea what an iron and a dog have to do with real estate, so I suggest for pieces a Blackberry, a briefcase, a Mercedes, a credit card and a bottle of Xanax.
Chance and Treasure Chest cards:
Think they’ll use any of my ideas?
“The Office” PSA’s
More tv stuff that’s too good to not share… In the past I’ve bragged about my amazing skills with the remote control. Well, little did I know that the Public Service Announcements I breezed through during the last episode of The Office were actually spoofs of NBC’s cheesy “The More You Know” PSA’s. NBC put 16 of them up on their website and a few had me close to tears they’re so funny. My favorite is “Know Your Bears,” though all of the ones featuring Rainn Wilson are particularly funny. That guy kills me. You have to check these out.
The Office PSA’s:
Office Relationship
“Thumb†common misperceptions.
Friends don’t let friends drink expensive beer.
Wedding Invite
Meteor
Arctic Wolf.
The worst thing you could ever do.
Nothing wrong with average.
Smell you later.
The hidden dangers of cake.
Never feel ashamed of something foul.
A really, really good movie.
Beware the black beans.
Use two shades for maximum cuteness.
Saltines are NOT your friend.
Know your bears.
Funnier Than The Muhammad Cartoons Themselves
If I didn’t already have 10,000 t-shirts I never wear, I’d get this one because this is hysterical.
(Photos from: Samizdata.net)
Available from T-Shirt Hell for $18. Actually, they have a bunch of great shirts. Some of the funnier ones (at least, the ones I’ll admit to thinking are especially funny):
I THINK I MAY HAVE THE ASIAN BIRD FRU- I MEAN FLU
(DAMN IT’S STARTING ALREADY)
YOU’LL REGRET READING THIS SHIRT WHEN THE SKETCH ARTIST ASKS YOU TO DESCRIBE MY FACE
I MAY HAVE ALZHEIMER’S BUT AT LEAST I DON’T HAVE ALZHEIMER’S
(Front) THERE’S A FUCKIN’ ASSHOLE LOOKING AT ME
(Back) …STILL LOOKING AT ME
1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d
(Having read that last one as quickly as I would have with letters, I think I need to sign off the computer for the day).
Oops!
Ok, I accidentally linked the MySpace page to my own site out of habit. My MySpace address is www.myspace.com/comedianjenee .
Since this topic is lingering, I’ll mention another email Bea just received:
Subject: Hi Beatrice
Message: Hi how are you iam S***** v*** I think you rock on the show because you are a Taurus like me Iam from Colorado and 16 you aree my favorite character.
goodbye S**** V***
I checked out her page, thinking this had to be a prankster. Within three seconds I was sure I was right because it was the classic mockery of a teenage girl’s site: sparkly things bouncing all over the background, Mariah Carey theme song, enormous pictures of parents, school friends and Kelly Clarkson. Just the type of site I can only view for 20 seconds before before my poor laptop starts having a conniption fit. Her inclusion of Green Day as a favorite band showed she has great taste, but it also seemed like it was a deliberate joke toward me.
Then I noticed her comments date back several days so this was obviously done before I published Bea’s site. Since a teenage girl’s site is inherently comical, I really wasn’t sure if it was legit. I accepted her friend invite and was about to leave a comment on her site when I realized that if this really is a teenager girl, she is way too naiive and probably shouldn’t have Bea’s picture with the little blurbs on her page. I deleted her from Bea’s list then went to see if that also deleted Bea from her list but her profile’s private, visible only to friends. So now I’m convinced this really is a teenage girl who apparently thinks she found the real Bea Arthur on MySpace and that Bea hangs with a lot of rappers. Now I kinda wish I’d kept her on my list so I can follow her for a while. I have a strong suspicion she’s going to be knocked up within a year by a guy who tells her, “We don’t need condoms. You can’t get pregnant until the 50th time. You can trust me. I’m a senator.”
The Real MySpace Page
So I had a little fun with the MySpace page. Sadly I’ve come to realize my niche in comedy is in fake profiles. Not a whole lot of money to be made there. While I did it strictly for amusement, I encountered a few situations that are appropriate fodder for this blog.
As I discovered the first time I tried MySpace (Just “1 Friends” On MySpace), pretty much anybody will accept a stranger as a friend so the tally means nothing. Actually, when you’re Bea Arthur, you only have to add a few friends and then the invites start pouring in. There were a few interesting email exchanges I thought I’d share.
Invitee: Who are you and how do you know me? I don’t add people i don’t know
(Clearly, this is a discriminating MySpace user).
Bea: I’m Bea Arthur from tv’s “Golden Girls.”
Invitee: Right. I’m sure Bea Arthur has a myspace account and adds random black men to her friends list. Seriously, how do you know me? And If you don’t know me, why do you want to be my friend? I only accept the top applicants.
He only accepts the “top applicants?” The guy’s page features two full screen pictures of a girl’s butt in a g-string. Bea Arthur’s ass may not look as great, but she’s certainly worthy of a lousy MySpace add. Fortunately for Bea, he must have temporarily relaxed his “applicant” standards and didn’t even wait for a reply before adding Bea as a friend.
The next email in Bea’s inbox was from a girl who wrote:
Girl: I see youre promoting my man on your top 8….I always love to see people helpin him out…. ;-) thx
Bea’s not the type to admit that the only qualification for making her top 8 list is to have a picture that gives the impression you’ve killed a person at some point. Well, actually, with Roc-Rok, it’s kinda hard to tell but she qualified via her other assets.
Then the girl sent another email and this was the exchange:
Girl: So who are you really?
Bea: I’m Bea Arthur from tv’s “Golden Girls.”
Girl: Does someone do your page for you….cuz I see you know a lot of the same people I do and theyre all from out this way…
I think we actually hooked one here. I guess she doesn’t realize the similar friends are a result of Bea poaching a few rappers’ friends lists.
Bea: I know most of them from the clubs. Even at my age, I still like to shake it.
No response this time so maybe she caught on.
Here’s the final exchange:
Random person Bea didn’t invite: Whats up momma….I was just wonderin who dis really is…???
Bea: I’m Bea Arthur from tv’s “Golden Girls.”
Random person: It seems like youre someone else and I see you know my boy **** how do you know so many rappers?
He thinks it seems like it’s someone else but he doesn’t want to go out on a limb and risk offending what could be the real Bea Arthur by calling her a fraud.
Bea: The question is, how do so many rappers know Bea Arthur? Some would say I’m an American icon.
I guess that answered his question because he didn’t respond.
While being Bea was much more fun, I do have a real site that I finally got involved with. Right now most of the people on my list are actual friends with a couple of obvious jokes thrown in. It’s interesting to go through comics’ pages and realize we all know the same people, which makes it even weirder when I keep seeing the same person’s picture on various pages and I don’t know him or her. It makes me feel out of the loop. The drawback to having all comics on my friends page is that it’s counterproductive to my purpose of drawing in more traffic. Comics are too wrapped up in their own hilarious endeavors to support each other’s. I guess I’ll either have to leave some great comments on their pages and hope to draw in some of their fans or I’ll have to get started on a June Cleaver page. There’s something about old white ladies belonging to groups like, “Bitch buy me some Kool-Aid!” that really draws people in.
My real honest-to-goodness MySpace page (well, it’s as real as I can bear to make it). Add me to your friends list. I’ll accept even if you aren’t one of the “top applicants.”
MySpace- Thank You For Being A Friend
As promised, I’ve thrown myself into the MySpace mix with guns blazing. I was really surprised how many of my close friends had MySpace pages and how many groups there are that cater to my very specific interests. I hope you’ll check out my page and let me know what you think. I guess I should mention that the MySpace picture is a little more current than the photo on this site so it may come as a surprise to some of the regular readers:
Online Dating Fiasco
I have to confess, I did something really stupid. I figured I’d give online dating a shot and decided to sign up at Match.com. I paid my non-refundable membership fees and waited for the emails to pour in. Apparently I didn’t read the fine print and it turns out I signed up at misMatch.com. I don’t want my money to go to waste so I’ve decided to make the best of it. Below are the profiles they sent me. Let me know if you think any would suit me.
Bachelor #1
Bachelor #2
Bachelor #3
Happy (Last) Birthday
This morning, California executed a guy minutes after his 76th birthday ended. I can’t help but wonder how his final visitors handled the situation. Did they wish him a happy birthday? Did they bring him gifts? (If so, did they keep the receipts)? Hallmark claims to have “cards for every occasion” but I’ve never seen a “condemned loved one” section in the greeting card aisle. I can only guess this is what some of his cards said:
Front: On this, your birthday, remember…
Inside: Live each day like it’s your last!
Front: Who would have thought you’d reach the ripe old age of 76?
Inside: Certainly not 12 former jurors
Front: At your age, don’t think of it as having one foot in the grave
Inside: Think of it as having one vein out of the grave
Front: Most guys your age can only blow out five candles
Inside: Tomorrow, you won’t even be able to do that
Front: We highly recommend you live it up on this birthday
Inside: Love, The Supreme Court Justices
Front: Congrats on receiving the birthday present you always wanted
Inside: You’re getting out of prison!
Front: A lot of people get hung up on their birthdays
Inside: Few have it happen the following day
Front: Do you remember the birthday celebrations of your youth…
Inside: …when you used to shoot up just for fun?
Front: Everybody has a tough time waking up the morning after their birthday
Inside: Some more than others
Front: You may be over the hill today…
Inside: …but you’ll be six feet under it tomorrow
