Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots » Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots http://jenee.net Standup comedian Jenée dishes her irreverent brand of humor on entertainment, religion, politics and life in general. Check it out- it's probably about you. Fri, 02 Mar 2012 11:52:34 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Thank You, Eva Longoria http://jenee.net/thank-you-eva-longoria/ http://jenee.net/thank-you-eva-longoria/#comments Sun, 16 Apr 2006 12:34:59 +0000 Jenée http://jenee.net/thank-you-eva-longoria Tonight I went to the store to pick up my contribution for the family Easter dinnerr- rolls. I figured things out a long time ago: You show people you’re a good cook and then they want you to bring fancy dishes for every occasion. But it only takes one too-spicy carrot soup on Thanksgiving and from then on, you’re only asked to bring items you can’t really screw up, like rolls. Actually, the last few years I’ve been in charge of bringing beverages so this is sort of a step up. I considered baking croissants then realized that might show some cooking skills and could result in a future request for some sort of side dish. Rolls from a bag it is.

While shopping, I suddenly had an urge for chocolate chip cookie dough. I don’t know where the craving came from since I haven’t had cookie dough in probably five years. I previously described my “eat junk, lose weight” diet (which some doctor labelled with the more-professional, less-catchy name, “intuitive eating”). The reason it works is because I eat when I’m hungry but I rarely snack. But, man, I wanted that cookie dough and to make the dilemma more difficult, it was on sale for 2 for $4. And the package said it would keep until July (which actually kind of scared me- what’s in that stuff)?

So I picked up the two logs and proceeded to the cashier.The line was long enough that I had plenty of time to stare at a magazine that featured Eva Longoria on the cover looking amazing in a tiny bikini. I went back and forth with whether or not I should buy the cookie dough. I’m under no delusion that skipping the treat will get me any closer to looking that good in a bikini but I realized that eating it would get me that much farther from looking like that. So in the end, I put the cookie dough back.

I thought the home pregnancy test was a bad impulse item to display but I think pictures of hard bodies in a grocery store are even worse.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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]]> Tonight I went to the store to pick up my contribution for the family Easter dinnerr- rolls. I figured things out a long time ago: You show people you’re a good cook and then they want you to bring fancy dishes for every occasion. But it only takes one too-spicy carrot soup on Thanksgiving and from then on, you’re only asked to bring items you can’t really screw up, like rolls. Actually, the last few years I’ve been in charge of bringing beverages so this is sort of a step up. I considered baking croissants then realized that might show some cooking skills and could result in a future request for some sort of side dish. Rolls from a bag it is.

While shopping, I suddenly had an urge for chocolate chip cookie dough. I don’t know where the craving came from since I haven’t had cookie dough in probably five years. I previously described my “eat junk, lose weight” diet (which some doctor labelled with the more-professional, less-catchy name, “intuitive eating”). The reason it works is because I eat when I’m hungry but I rarely snack. But, man, I wanted that cookie dough and to make the dilemma more difficult, it was on sale for 2 for $4. And the package said it would keep until July (which actually kind of scared me- what’s in that stuff)?

So I picked up the two logs and proceeded to the cashier.The line was long enough that I had plenty of time to stare at a magazine that featured Eva Longoria on the cover looking amazing in a tiny bikini. I went back and forth with whether or not I should buy the cookie dough. I’m under no delusion that skipping the treat will get me any closer to looking that good in a bikini but I realized that eating it would get me that much farther from looking like that. So in the end, I put the cookie dough back.

I thought the home pregnancy test was a bad impulse item to display but I think pictures of hard bodies in a grocery store are even worse.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
Permalink | One comment | Subscribe to this post's comments


]]> http://jenee.net/thank-you-eva-longoria/feed/ 1 Eat Junk, Lose Weight! http://jenee.net/eat-junk-lose-weight/ http://jenee.net/eat-junk-lose-weight/#comments Tue, 06 Dec 2005 19:41:00 +0000 Jenée /?p=37 I read a news article yesterday that makes me think I missed my bestseller opportunity. A science professor has introduced a no-diet diet he calls “intuitive eating.” Basically, he says that if you only eat when you’re hungry and don’t eat to the point of fullness, you can eat whatever you want. He used this approach to lose 50 pounds and keep it off for five years.

I’m telling you…It’s true!

I struggled with my weight most of my life. I was never fat or even chubby, just heavy enough to get the “You have a pretty face” compliments while my friends were off winning bikini contests. I tried all the diets and constantly fretted about my size. I spent way too much time thinking about food- when I’d have it and what I’d have.

Finally, about eight years ago I lost 30 pounds through calorie-counting and exercise. Soon after, I was on the road for an extended period and had little choice but to eat a lot of fast food and other processed crap-in-a-can. When I returned, I was scared to death of how much weight I’d gained and was completely surprised I hadn’t gained any. I thought about all those skinny friends who ate whatever they wanted and never put on a pound and decided to maintain a similar diet and see what happens. My weight has barely fluctuated since.

While I don’t chow on junk food every day, if I crave something, I eat it- but not nearly as much as I used to. I’ve rid myself of the “eat everything on your plate” mentality my parents pummeled into my head as a child. Take my Thanksgiving Jack-in-the-Box feast: ten years ago, I could have and would have finished the whole meal in one sitting. Now, I can only finish the sandwich and have to eat the side later. That’s all I ate for the day- and not for any caloric reasons, I just wasn’t hungry for more. I don’t eat at pre-determined times, just when I’m hungry, so there’s no snacking between meals. I completely agree with the scientist’s explanation that, “Having an overabundance of what’s taboo helps me lose my desire to gorge.”

Last year, I finally gave up the Diet Cokes bartenders around town had become accustomed to pouring for me and switched to the hard stuff. You know what? It’s almost completely curbed my sweet tooth (well, with a little help from french vanilla cappuccinos). I rarely indulge in any other goodies- I didn’t even try the cake at my brother’s recent wedding. Say what you want about drinking Coke, it’s certainly better than scarfing down cookies.

I’m sure skeptics will want to argue that eating this and not eating that is unhealthy. Maybe it is. All I know is that in the last eight years, the only illness I’ve suffered was a quick bout of tonsillitis. When I’ve caught colds, they’ve been minor and only lasted about a day. The flu? I don’t even remember what that’s like.

There’s still a part of me that worries if I don’t switch back to broiled chicken breasts and steamed veggies every night, I’m going to suddenly wake up looking like Violet Beauregard after she chewed the tainted gum in Willy Wonka. But I’m sure I’ll notice if I start gaining weight and will adjust my diet accordingly. At the very least, I think I’ve moved past the psychological dependence on food and will be more successful at losing the weight than I was years ago.

I don’t know if this particular diet method is effective for everybody, but it’s certainly worth checking out: intuitive eating

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
Permalink | 2 comments | Subscribe to this post's comments


]]> I read a news article yesterday that makes me think I missed my bestseller opportunity. A science professor has introduced a no-diet diet he calls “intuitive eating.” Basically, he says that if you only eat when you’re hungry and don’t eat to the point of fullness, you can eat whatever you want. He used this approach to lose 50 pounds and keep it off for five years.

I’m telling you…It’s true!

I struggled with my weight most of my life. I was never fat or even chubby, just heavy enough to get the “You have a pretty face” compliments while my friends were off winning bikini contests. I tried all the diets and constantly fretted about my size. I spent way too much time thinking about food- when I’d have it and what I’d have.

Finally, about eight years ago I lost 30 pounds through calorie-counting and exercise. Soon after, I was on the road for an extended period and had little choice but to eat a lot of fast food and other processed crap-in-a-can. When I returned, I was scared to death of how much weight I’d gained and was completely surprised I hadn’t gained any. I thought about all those skinny friends who ate whatever they wanted and never put on a pound and decided to maintain a similar diet and see what happens. My weight has barely fluctuated since.

While I don’t chow on junk food every day, if I crave something, I eat it- but not nearly as much as I used to. I’ve rid myself of the “eat everything on your plate” mentality my parents pummeled into my head as a child. Take my Thanksgiving Jack-in-the-Box feast: ten years ago, I could have and would have finished the whole meal in one sitting. Now, I can only finish the sandwich and have to eat the side later. That’s all I ate for the day- and not for any caloric reasons, I just wasn’t hungry for more. I don’t eat at pre-determined times, just when I’m hungry, so there’s no snacking between meals. I completely agree with the scientist’s explanation that, “Having an overabundance of what’s taboo helps me lose my desire to gorge.”

Last year, I finally gave up the Diet Cokes bartenders around town had become accustomed to pouring for me and switched to the hard stuff. You know what? It’s almost completely curbed my sweet tooth (well, with a little help from french vanilla cappuccinos). I rarely indulge in any other goodies- I didn’t even try the cake at my brother’s recent wedding. Say what you want about drinking Coke, it’s certainly better than scarfing down cookies.

I’m sure skeptics will want to argue that eating this and not eating that is unhealthy. Maybe it is. All I know is that in the last eight years, the only illness I’ve suffered was a quick bout of tonsillitis. When I’ve caught colds, they’ve been minor and only lasted about a day. The flu? I don’t even remember what that’s like.

There’s still a part of me that worries if I don’t switch back to broiled chicken breasts and steamed veggies every night, I’m going to suddenly wake up looking like Violet Beauregard after she chewed the tainted gum in Willy Wonka. But I’m sure I’ll notice if I start gaining weight and will adjust my diet accordingly. At the very least, I think I’ve moved past the psychological dependence on food and will be more successful at losing the weight than I was years ago.

I don’t know if this particular diet method is effective for everybody, but it’s certainly worth checking out: intuitive eating

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
Permalink | 2 comments | Subscribe to this post's comments


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