Israel is reminding me a lot of Scrawny.

Israel used to be our little oppressed democratic brethren in the Middle East. Now they’re the scrappy drunk guy at the bar ready to punch your lights out because you accidentally brushed against him.

First Israel invaded Gaza in retaliation for the deaths of two soldiers and kidnapping of another, leaving 150 Palestinians and one Israeli soldier dead. Now they’re bombing the hell out of Lebanon to gain release of two kidnapped soldiers resulting in the deaths of almost 600 Lebanese and 55 Israelis- including 36 soldiers. Isn’t anybody over there doing the math?

They’ve been so hasty in their recent attacks, are they absolutely certain they’re going after the right people? We had years of intelligence on WMD’s that lead to our war on Iraq. Lotta good that did us. Israel’s attacking Hamas and Hezbollah, meanwhile Al Quaida’s probably in their caves snickering with three captive soldiers. Or maybe the soldiers weren’t even kidnapped and they’re just on a drunken gambling binge on a Mediterranean riverboat. Weirder things have happened. And how do you apologize for a goof like that? “Heh heh- you Lebanese are gonna get a kick out of this one: Turns out the craps tables and titty bars were calling. Sorry we’ve destroyed your country but here are some gold coins as compensation. Shalom.”

I think it’s time for the United States to remind Israel that no matter how tough they think they are, we’ll always be tougher. And if they don’t chill out soon, we’re gonna go Mel Gibson on their asses.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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Imagine if those 500,000 instead spent just one day in Mexico trying to make a difference there. Some could teach classes in their areas of expertise while others built houses with Habitat for Humanity. They could all plug money into the Mexican economy and inform the pint-size entrepreneurs that it doesn’t matter how sad and pathetic they make themselves appear, Americans don’t want Chicklets. Time to update the merchandise.

For all the discussion of people wanting to come to America for a better life, many seem to forget that Mexico’s not some wasteland ruled by a cruel dictator. It’s a good country with great potential. If the US could succeed in sending even a few million illegal Mexicans home, their greatest revenge would be to turn their own country around to the extent that they have to expel illegal Americans.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

*Said in the style of GOB from Arrested Development

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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…Calls for tough border security and enforcement measures and would make it a federal crime, instead of a civil offense, for undocumented workers to live in the country.

If I’m to understand this correctly, they’re protesting a bill that would make it illegal to be here illegally. Is that right? Am I close? If I am, I’m unclear about what they’re protesting. I’m certainly no expert on how or why some people get to reside here legally, but I did take the time to review the US Citizenship and Immigration Services website. While the steps required for legalization are by no means easy, they seem reasonably attainable for anybody who really wants to work and live here.

There’s a protest planned for today in downtown LA that I’m tempted to attend but they expect about a hundred thousand protestors. Not only do I hate big crowds, I strongly suspect it’s all a trap from INS and an enormous net’s going to fall from the skyscrapers gathering everybody up. Plus, with everybody protesting, I don’t know who would park my car (COME ON! You were all thinking it).

The fact is, there aren’t a lot of illegal aliens who pay income tax and they shouldn’t benefit from the services afforded by those who do. Perhaps the US needs to improve or speed up the legalization process but that’s a different issue. I certainly don’t think we should relax any standards requiring legal immigrants to be productive members of society. I know the Statue of Liberty says, “Give us your tired your poor, your huddled masses yearning to be free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore…” but it’s about time for the US to stand up and say, “Hey, the French wrote that as some kinda joke. We didn’t expect you all to take it so literally.”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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The only person who expressed any real disapproval of the guys skipping the task was Lenny. Trump didn’t even seem to have a problem with it. I can’t believe all the other contestants were pleased that their asses were on the line for someone else’s beliefs. It showed how scared people are to voice their opposition in a PC world where doing so will incur the wrath of overzealous religious groups.

It really bothers me that concessions are made for people who choose to practice traditions that were created at a time when taking a day off work meant eating meat you caught yesterday instead of today. I don’t suppose Trump would be so understanding if an Irish dude said he needed St. Patrick’s Day off because the pubs open at 8 am or if a single girl missed work because she hooked up with a hottie the night before and has a mad hangover (and a possible nooner to look forward to). For that matter, I wonder if the Jewish guys would give them a free pass, knowing their hard work could cost them the opportunity of a lifetime while their teammate’s drooling into a pint of Guiness. If one gets a day off, they all should.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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Friend: Listen to what happened to Barney Flarney* (not his real name)
Me: I don’t think I know a Barney Flarney
Friend: Sure you do. He’s tall-over six feet, wears flannel shirts and cut off gloves.
Me: Doesn’t ring a bell.
Friend: He always hangs out with Steve and Bobby.
Me: I don’t think I know him.
Friend: I know you know him. He came into some money and drives a new Mercedes.
Me: Maybe I’ve never met him.
Friend: You have. He’s uh…dark.
Me: Do you mean black?
Friend: Well, yeah, but he’s very dark…….. He has burns over 70% of his body.
Me: Oh the burn guy! Sure I know the burn guy! Everybody knows the burn guy!

(Before anybody accuses me of mocking him, I should note that’s essentially how he referred to himself).

The point being it’s ridiculous to describe random qualities a person possesses when there’s one in particular that clearly identifies the person. Don’t make me guess who the blue-eyed blonde you’re talking about is when all you have to say is she has a “pre-Trim Spa, Anna Nicole Smith-sized rack.” And don’t tell me about the sweet, quiet girl when you can tell me she has a “pre-Trim Spa, Anna Nicole Smith-sized body.”

Quite frequently I experience people’s circumvention of descriptions having to do with race, sexual orientation, body shape, handicaps, etc. even though that feature might separate the person a bit among others within our mutual frame of reference. Perhaps they think it’s PC to avoid partitioning people based on attributes that have been the basis for much discrimination. But to me, eschewing the obvious implies it’s something shameful. If it’s a biological trait (like skin color), there’s no reason for shame and if it’s a chosen trait (like sporting a porn star moustache), I say: out the fool.

I’ll show how important it is to stop this dilution of the English language. I’ll write the PC descriptions of some famous people along with the real world descriptions. Which would you prefer to see in the Final Jeopardy round?

I’m not saying it’s necessary to use harsh terms like “tub of lard” to describe people, just don’t run down 20 traits before you get to, “He has no arms or legs.”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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Are they serious? Can a freakin’ country sue for slander???

For those unfamiliar, Cohen is the star of the very funny Da Ali G Show, which airs in the U.S. on HBO. His main character is Ali G, a Cockney dude decked in rapper gear who primarily assaults political figures from around the globe with inane questions. The humor isn’t as much in his persistent denseness as it is in the responses from his interview subjects, who delicately indulge his stupidity to save face.

Cohen’s second character is the aforementioned Kaz (I can’t spell it out anymore- they need to buy some vowels) journalist Borat. This guy’s also clueless, but he’s lovable clueless. He’s the naiive foreigner trying to understand a language and culture that are totally unfamiliar to him. The fact that the character is from Kaz is almost irrelevant. He could be from any non-English speaking country and his antics would be just as funny.

Somehow the Kaz people have been oblivious to the Borat character through his five years on the air in the UK and America. I guess they don’t get HBO or BBC over in Kaz. But apparently they do get their MTV, because it was his recent hosting job on the 2005 MTV Europe Music Awards that got their burkas in a bunch.

I watched the awards ceremony (anybody who’s read more than a few of my blogs can guess why) and I thought he was hilarious. After Madonna’s opening number he said, “It was very courageous of MTV to start the show with a genuine transvestite. He was very convincing. It was only his hands and his testisatchels that gave it away.” He introduced performers by other bands’ names and closed the show with, “To the world, I love you! Apart from Uzbekistan. Assholes.” It was a rare occasion when I considered an awards show host entertaining instead of annoying.

But the Kaz foreign ministry disagrees with me and held a press conference yesterday on the matter:

We do not rule out that Mr. Cohen is serving someone’s political order designed to present Kazakhstan and its people in a derogatory way.

Do they actually think anybody has an agenda against Kaz? For that matter, do they actually think that a week ago more than three people knew or cared where Kaz is? They should realize this is good publicity for them. Borat put them on the map- literally. He should be their hero. They can’t possibly think their bustling tourism industry could be severely affected by one outlandish character’s appearance on an MTV awards show. Nobody’s going to be packed and ready to go to Kaz only to declare, “I heard that Borat guy mention cow punching is a sport over there. Maybe we should go somewhere more civilized and exciting like E. Timor.”

The whole world talks shit about Americans and it’s usually not in jest. But our politicians don’t hold press conferences every time it happens because we know we’ve got it good here. It kind of relates to the esteem issues I mentioned in my last two blogs: when you’re confident with who and what you are, you don’t really care what anybody else thinks. The Kaz government needs to just chill because taking a comic to court over a few little jokes makes them look much dumber than anything Borat says or does.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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I responded to today’s bum with my usual, “No,” just as another passerby handed him a dollar. A dollar! He didn’t even ask the vagrant why he wanted the money, he just gave it to him. My own parents wouldn’t hand me a dollar no-questions-asked. I decided I should try to tap into this easy source of income.

I asked the guy, “Can I have a buck?”

He glanced at my nice clean clothes and uttered a stunned, “What?”

I responded, “Well, if you’re just handing out money to random people, I’d like some.”

“I give money to people who need it,” he replied.

“How do you know I don’t have a substance abuse problem that needs support?” I said.

He mumbled something like, “You try to do something nice…” and walked away.

I know my actions were antagonistic, but I didn’t want this fool departing the scene with the misinformed idea he’d done something good, because he hadn’t. People asking for money on the street rarely NEED money. (The exception, of course, is a team on The Amazing Race that survived a non-elimination round, only to be stripped of all their cash). For what does the average beggar need money? Food is ridiculously plentiful and accessible in this country and I seriously doubt your average freeloader’s a couple bucks short to purchase meds for his sick child.

I’m not unsympathetic to the needy. When I’ve seen beggars with children or dogs, I’ve purchased diapers, formula and dog food. I’m happy to help those who can’t help themselves. And I regularly give out fresh untouched food to people on the streets, even going so far as to drive around until I find somebody.

But after several recent incidents, I’m having doubts about whether I should even be doing this. The first was when a guy refused a great Caesar salad with large shreds of parmesan (which could easily be removed) saying that he was lactose intolerant. “But I could use some change,” he said. The second was when another guy turned down my offer of a Chinese chicken salad saying, “I can’t eat Oriental food. Got any money?” As if there’s some universal substance contained in all dishes with the word “Chinese” in their name. The last, and most annoying, incident was when I approached the Highland gang and offered up some sandwiches. I couldn’t help but notice the aroma of Mary Jane wafting through the air (naturally they accepted the food items). But I wondered how they acquired the pot? It’s possible some Good Samaritan said, “I don’t have any spare change, here’s a joint instead,” and the bums said, “Thanks, Mr. Busey,” but it’s unlikely.

It occurred to me that every time I give them a meal, they can use the money others have given them to buy their drugs and alcohol. By freeing up a couple bucks they might have spent on food, maybe I’m indirectly supporting their substance abuse problems.

Why do people give bums money? Apparently, a lot of nitwits do because a couple years ago there were two people working the corner, now there’s about eight. One or two at a time walk up and down the street pleading for cash while the others stand off to the side like they’re waiting to punch in for their shift. They’re multiplying at such a rapid rate I wonder if they write back home to their friends saying, “You should move out to LA, I’ve got a great gig lined up for you. Don’t worry about airfare- I’ll buy your ticket and you can stay in my condo.”

Sooner or later, some innovative talent agent will realize the profit potential and start sending his clients out for this work. “I’ve got an acting job that will get you plenty of exposure in Hollywood. Do you mind looking a little dirty for the part? No? Great. Be at the corner of Highland and Franklin at 8 a.m. sharp. And don’t forget my 10%.”

I probably won’t stop handing out meals to people on the street, simply because I can’t stand seeing good food thrown away. But I will make a bigger effort to bring my offerings to the wheelchair-bound guy a mile away rather than the young pretty girl on the corner. I can only hope that others come to their senses and realize that when they give beggars money, they’re not helping the problem, they’re contributing to it.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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My response to him was, “The fact that you used the word ‘overly’ makes you overly discriminative in my book.”

Douglas took offense to my comment and countered with this giant leap for the civil rights movement:

I am not going to lie to you that I dont check my locks when a black man walks near my car in the middle of a parking lot. At the same time I would defend that black man if he was being treated harshly due to racism.

I wonder how Douglas would defend him? I suppose he would drive a safe distance across the lot then roll down the window a crack and yell to the offender, “Hey! Don’t harass him for being black. He might be Jamaican.” Then floor it.

Douglas, who’s not overly discriminative- he’s appropriately discriminative, you know, Bible-thumping discriminative, which is fine- went on to say:

I have family friends who are gay. Morally I dont agree with their lifestyle, but morally I am to love them.

After rolling my eyes, I questioned whether his gay so-called “friends” know about his beliefs and still consider him a friend? He answered that you can disagree with a person’s lifestyle choices and still care about them.

CHOICES? There are still people out there who believe homosexuality is a choice?! “Shall I try bungee jumping or anal sex with another man? Hmmm…” This guy’s probably watched enough Michael Jackson footage to believe that being black is a choice as well.

The scariest part for me was that the other people who joined in the discussion supported Douglas’ viewpoint. I don’t know if it’s because the majority of readers of that newsgroup are still stuck in a 19th century mindset or if it’s because the readers capable of rational thought realized it’s pointless to try to talk some sense into a bunch of ignoramuses.

I’m willing to consider the possibility that all the dissention means that perhaps there’s some flaw in my views. But how can anybody, particularly those who claim to be “good Christians,” think they’re in any position to judge somebody else as immoral for actions that hurt nobody?

So, no, I’m not wrong. They’re bigoted. I guess I should be content they’re not overly bigoted.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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