Now they're bombing the crap out of Lebanon resulting in the deaths of almost 600 Lebanese and 55 Israelis. Isn't anybody over there doing the math?

A whopping 500,000 people turned out for yesterday's immigration reform protest in Los Angeles, causing major gridlock at freeway offramps as people wondered where else they could get fresh oranges.

Not only do I hate big crowds, I strongly suspect it's all a trap from INS and an enormous net's going to fall from the skyscrapers gathering everybody up. Plus, with everybody protesting, I don't know who would park my car (COME ON! You were all thinking it).

On the last episode of The Apprentice, two guys sat out a task in order to observe Dreidel Day or Buy A Baldie A Yarmulke Day or something like that. There are so many holidays, I can't keep track. Another Jewish guy, Lenny, showed up to do the job he beat out thousands of others to do. The team lost the task and when it came time to choose people to bring into the board room for firing, the project manager brought in Lenny but not the two absentees. After some debate, the project manager was fired but she should have been cut loose the second she decided not to bring in the two slackers, who should have been canned ...

In regard to the gender-confused American Idol auditioner: I liked that judge Randy came right out and asked him if he's a male, unafraid to acknowledge his disparate appearance. There's this underlying belief in our society that it's wrong to point out people's differences. As a result, many people end up referring to others in confusing terms because they're afraid the most obvious characteristics are too offensive to mention. It happens all the time but the best example I've experienced went something like this: Friend: Listen to what happened to Barney Flarney* (not his real name) Me: I don't think I know a Barney Flarney Friend: Sure you do. He's tall-over six feet, wears flannel shirts and cut off gloves....

The country of Kazakhstan is threatening to sue comedian Sascha Baron Cohen because one of his characters, Kazakhstani journalist Borat Sagdiyev, ridicules its people. Are they serious? Can a freakin' country sue for slander??? For those unfamiliar, Cohen is the star of the very funny Da Ali G Show, which airs in the U.S. on HBO. His main character is Ali G, a Cockney dude decked in rapper gear who primarily assaults political figures from around the globe with inane questions. The humor isn't as much in his persistent denseness as it is in the responses from his interview subjects, who delicately indulge his stupidity to save face. Cohen's second character is the aforementioned Kaz (I can't spell it out anymore- they need ...

When I exited the bank today, I was greeted with the all-too-familiar, "Spare some change?" Somewhere along the way, some genius decided it would be nicer to call these solicitors "homeless" instead of "bums." I think I did that for awhile until a friend of mine told me that one of the "homeless" guys who works the corner of Highland and Franklin lives in his building. So now, unless I get some proof of residency (or lack thereof), I once again refer to them with less politically correct but more accurate terms like "bums" or "beggars." I responded to today's bum with my usual, "No," just as another passerby handed him a dollar. A dollar! He didn't even ask the vagrant ...

I got into a newsgroup discussion with a guy named Douglas who wrote, "I'm not overly discriminative..." My response to him was, "The fact that you used the word 'overly' makes you overly discriminative in my book." Douglas took offense to my comment and countered with this giant leap for the civil rights movement: I am not going to lie to you that I dont check my locks when a black man walks near my car in the middle of a parking lot. At the same time I would defend that black man if he was being treated harshly due to racism. I wonder how Douglas would defend him? I suppose he would drive a safe distance across the lot then roll ...