I'm sure a lot of people have been anxiously awaiting an update on my progress with kicking my lip balm addiction. Since freeing myself from Vaseline's clutches over two months ago, I've had two nights when I needed a little comfort slather but other than that I've been sleeping lip balm free. What really irks me is the lack of enthusiasm I detect from people when I tell them about my accomplishment. When an alcoholic says he hasn't had a drink in two months, people are popping champagne and buying drinks all around. But when I mention that my decades-long battle with lip balm has come to an ...

The action never stops. 1:12 am- Two guys run full speed toward my car. One tosses a bag to the curb as they keep running. I'm guessing they weren't getting a jump on the next Olympic trials. 1:15 am- I have to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting Ron Jeremy who darted in front of my car. I know he doesn't look like he can dart but I assure you, he darted. The funniest thing to me is that even in the dark I knew it was him before I ever saw his face. He's certainly got his own inimitable style. This of course got me thinking about the ...

2:30 am- A man crossing Hollywood Boulevard pulls a role reversal when he stops midway and signals for a cop car to complete its right turn. The cops motion for him to finish crossing but he continues signaling forcefully for them to turn. They go back and forth like this a few times until the cops decide that instead of making their right turn, they'd prefer to have a little chat with this obviously intoxicated pedestrian. I avoid any sudden movements in their vicinity. 2:37 am- I enter 7-11 and pour myself a cappuccino but the cup doesn't fit under the nozzle so when I pull the filled cup out, some scalding liquid drips on my hand. It's just hot enough ...

One of my earliest blog posts was about the lip balm addiction I've suffered from for more than a decade. Over the years I've made the occasional attempts to quit using and, though I usually didn't last for more than a couple hours, sometimes I managed to get through the day but as soon as I put my head on my pillow I realized sleep would be impossible without dipping into my giant jar of Vaseline that sits on my nightstand right next to my salt shaker (that's a whole 'nother addiction). I hit rock bottom many times. I would get into my car and fret over my naked lips so I'd grab the emergency Chapstick ...

Living in an apartment means I get to wash my clothes in the building's laundry facility. And anybody who's ever had to wash their clothes in a public location knows that sometimes you have to handle other people's clothes and vice versa. Usually it's not a problem for me because I tend to do my laundry in the middle of the night and there are several extra machines for any other night owls but occasionally it happens. I always do two loads and leave an empty basket on top of each of the machines that I'm using but I estimate that 70% of the time when someone has to take my clothes out of the washer they put them somewhere ...

I think I've mentioned here before that I never know when the clocks change since most of the clocks I use do so automatically (cell phone, computer). Sometimes several days have passed without me realizing the time has changed then I'll glance at the clock in my car and have a moment of panic in which I think I'm either really late or really early. This year I actually remembered the change was coming and that it's always before Halloween so I was waiting for it. Two Sundays ago when 2 am passed nothing happened so I figured last Sunday must have been the date. That passed again with no clock changes so I had ...

I've become such a bad blogger that last week the biennial anniversary of "People are Idiots" passed with nary a word from me. I'm compensating for it by using terms that haven't been used since Truman was in office and I'm not sure if I'm even using them correctly. Part of the reason I didn't post that day is that my damn site was down for 10 hours, instead it was redirected to a page that said: "Account suspended. Please contact the billing/support department as soon as possible." Naturally I read that 15 minutes before leaving town so all I could do was shoot off a nasty email to my hosting company demanding that they get my site back up. The ...

This morning I had my annual Pap smear. Yes, morning, as in 8:30 am. That's because I just love to heap misery upon misery. Actually I always schedule my appointments for that time thinking that having the first appointment of the day will mean I won't have to wait around but somehow doctors always find a reason to make you wait. For the last six or seven years I've had my Paps done by a doctor I suspect is a lesbian. Probably my main reason for thinking that is her lack of lipstick and nail polish so my assessment may not be correct but I don't mind if she is because I figure who's going to know vaginas better than a ...

It's been years since I've had my height measured because it seemed unnecessary. At the doctor's office I'd just wave it off and tell them 5'10". Well today I went along with it and the nurse said I was 5'9" (and 1/4). I made her do it again because I couldn't believe it but sure enough, I've lost almost an inch. I don't mind that I'm shorter because I always thought I was too tall and wished I could shave off an inch or two but it really screws with my sense of identity. I've been 5'10" since I was about 13 so when people ask it will be bizarre to have to start saying 5'9". Or weirder yet, now ...

... Pastels, which is why I finally changed my site's design. ... When strangers tell me to smile. I used to weakly oblige but now I tell them, "I just lost my job, smashed my car and my dog died." Sometimes they'll give a "Well, things will get better" but usually they just mutter a "Oh, sorry" and run away. And that ends up making me smile. ... When people in a crosswalk decide that rather than walk between the two painted lines, they're going to go the "shortest distance between two points is a single line" route and veer off into the driving lane. So now I've got to wait an extra five minutes to complete my right turn. I believe ...

As I was walking to my car tonight, for some reason I started singing Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit" (at least, I was singing what I think are the lyrics, though I probably wasn't even close). I have no idea why that popped into my head since I probably haven't even heard the song in a couple years. Then I got into my car and turned on the radio- which I haven't done in about three weeks- and guess what song was playing? And it wasn't like I flipped through the stations for a little bit, it was on the very first station. I'm not sure if it was just an enormous coincidence or if I've stumbled upon yet another gift ...

Tonight I went to get a gift certificate for someone at his favorite hangout, Ye Rustic Inn. I wasn't carrying my usual bag and consequently didn't have my wallet with me. When I approached the front door, the bouncer asked for my ID and I explained that I didn't have it and he told me he couldn't let me in. I said, "Come on, I'm obviously over 21" and he said, "I can't, it's Susan's policy." I tried protesting for a few minutes, probably rolling my eyes 50 times in the process but he wouldn't budge. I completely understand that a bar has to protect itself from minors getting in and I certainly would never have argued the point in ...

I recently had a birthday and received three cards, which was only two less than I got for Christmas. When I was about 20 I used to get around 20 cards each year and frankly, I'm glad people seem to be wising up to the pointlessness of store-bought greeting cards (or maybe people are still sending the cards, they've just stopped sending them to me). Hallmark's motto is "When you care enough to send the very best" but I think it should be "When you're too lazy or unoriginal to send a personal thought." I'll be honest and say that when the only addition to the card is a signature, the signature's the only thing I read before I toss ...