Cyber Botox
Rather than spending a few minutes finishing up one of the many posts I’ve started in the last month, I decided to spend a few hours redesigning my site instead. That’s because I’d had the old theme for far too long and there’s also the fact that I can’t seem to comprehend the meaning of the word “prioritize.” There are still a few kinks that I’ll be working out in the next few days, unless a shiny object catches my eye in which case I’ll never get around to fixing the problems.
How They Found Me
In my last post, I mentioned some unusual search terms people have used to find my blog and today comes one that’s a rainbow of fruit flavors: “using skittles for anal sex.” What I find particularly amusing is the fact that my blog isn’t the sole result, in fact, it isn’t even the first result. It is 10th out of over 32,000 results. People are freaks. And just to absolve myself of some of that freakishness by putting the usage in proper context within my blog, the terms were used (separately) in response to a bizarre Sharon Stone quote that I commented on here: “Things That Make You Go…Hummer.”
Google Loves Me Again
A couple months ago I noticed that my visitor stats had gone way down and I was no longer getting any referrals from Google. Even for a term like “Jenee” for which I’ve always been the #1 result, I didn’t show up at all. Through some searching I learned that this happens with sites that Google deems to be spam sites and I couldn’t understand why mine would be flagged as such. I thought maybe I’d used one-too-many “fucks” or “cunts” so I put in a request for reconsideration.
Then while fixing some code with my theme I discovered by accident that there was a ton of spam-like hidden links contained within my index file that bulked up my homepage to a hefty 1MB. It turned out there was some major security issue with my old version of WordPress and a lot of people’s sites got hacked and then banned by Google. I’m happy to say that I’m finally back on Google’s radar.
It’s bad enough when your friends have forgotten you’re alive but when Google won’t even acknowledge your existence it’s a sad day indeed because when a blogger blogs and Google isn’t there to crawl it, she doesn’t make a cyber sound.
Kitler
Come on- the resemblance is funny. Check out real Cats that look like Hitler (and of course, comments from the people who can’t see the humor in kitlers).
2 Girls, 1 Cup Of Vomit In My Throat
The latest viral making the rounds is the “2 Girls 1 Cup” video (AKA “Cup Chicks”). It is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my life, so bad that I could only watch glimpses of it (and considering I managed to watch the “Girl Blowing A Donkey” video in its entirety, that’s pretty bad).
What’s fun about this video is that people record their friends’ (or their own) reaction to seeing it for the first time and put it up on YouTube. I’ve just spent the last hour watching these reactions and they’re always hilarious. It’s like this enormous prank being pulled around the world and thanks to cyberspace, we all get to be in on it.
If you haven’t seen the video I’ll tell you where you can BUT FIRST… be advised this is awful stuff. Really. But the reactions are quite varied so if/when you decide to watch the video for yourself, try to tape it (and send it to me)!
Before watching the video yourself, check out a few of the reactions first:
I love how all the guys nod in approval at first then their expressions quickly change. My reaction was exactly like this dude’s.
Think you know what’s on the video? Trust me, you can’t even imagine it. Are you ready to see it for yourself? Got your camera ready? Seriously, get it on tape. Go to 2girls1cup.com. Enjoy and be sure to tell me if it has a happy ending because I couldn’t watch it all.
(Some more good reactions on MySpace: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5)
STFU W/ LOL
With the advent of the Internet came the introduction of the term “LOL.” I’m sure it served a useful purpose when it was first used, presumably by Al Gore after receiving a good anal rape joke in the only email ever to have just one “fwd” in the subject (since he’s apparently responsible for everything related to the world wide web). But it didn’t take long for amateurs to abuse the acronym to the point of being annoying. First they used the term as a response to moderately amusing statements:
“Poker? I didn’t even know her!”
“LOL!”
The letters stand for “laugh out loud.” If a comment barely made you snicker, find another term. But loosely throwing around LOL only encourages mediocre humor.
Next came the LOL in response to one’s own statement:
“Poker? I didn’t even know her! LOL!”
Just as in conversation, laughing the loudest at your own joke doesn’t make it any funnier- it just makes you look lame. Good rule of thumb: if you have to tell people it’s funny, it probably isn’t.
Finally, LOL started being used in lieu of an actual apology:
“Oops. I screwed up. LOL!”
I’ve already accepted the fact that most people can’t utter the phrase “I’m sorry.” I don’t know why this is so difficult to say since it really makes life much easier when you can. But LOL is definitely not interchangeable for “I’m sorry.” In fact, it sounds like the person’s mocking the situation rather than apologizing for it. And that’s just irritating. Then when you call them on whether or not they think their screw up is funny, they inevitably say, “No, I swear. LOL.” And that’s when I want to use my bionics to fry their mother board (but, like most of the other Heroes, I’ve yet to learn how to control this ability of mine).
If you’re one of the millions addicted to “LOL,” it’s not too late to weed yourself off it. Start by limiting yourself to just one LOL per post or email (for some people, I know this will be a challenge and they’ll simply substitute LOL with a bunch of emoticons, which are equally overused). Only write it when you actually laughed out loud. I know, silly concept. Or try breaking away from it all together with other terms: “heh heh” for a chuckle, “hee hee” for a giggle, “ha ha!” for a guffaw or better yet, come up with something original. Let the term “LOL” return to a place where it actually has significance because frankly, I’m getting headaches from trying to figure out what new terms like “ROFLMAOWMSOMN!” mean.
A Very Unlucky Friday The 13th
I’ve always laughed in the face of superstition: I’ve flown several times on Friday the 13th (flights are cheap and the planes are usually empty). When I had to choose a number for a new cell phone (which I’d purchased on Friday the 13th), I jumped at the one with the prefix “666.” And I had the coolest black cat ever.
With the luck I have, I’m starting to think my disregard for superstitions ain’t so smart.
Last week’s Friday the 13th started out with an email from my poker site stating that because Bush was set to sign the Internet gambling bill later in the day, they were ceasing business with their US customers and all accounts would be closed at a certain time.
The letter was sent after that time had passed.
So I went into a bit of a panic realizing I was suddenly unemployed with only a few weeks of comedy work on the horizon. Plus I wondered if I’d ever see a significant amount of cash I have in two accounts ever again. The worst part is, unlike times in the past when I’ve been fired, this time I can’t stick it to the bastard who did it through unemployment. I suppose I could just stick it to Uncle Sam at tax time. After all, if the government doesn’t want me gambling online, I should probably just keep it to myself how much I earn (which, if there are any IRS agents reading this, is only about $20 this year).
I was furious because I’d emailed my site less than two weeks ago inquiring about how the bill could affect their operations with US customers and I was basically told that worst case scenario it would be nine months before anything went into affect. Silly me for thinking that such a specific detail as “nine months” meant my site knew what they were talking about and were providing me with accurate information.
Mass liquor consumption followed.
When I sobered up, I figured there had to be at least a few sites who realized the profit they could make off all these abandoned poker players had to offset any penalties the US government could impose (if they could even impose any- the bill seems to put all the responsibility on US financial institutions, not the players or the gambling sites). So I shot off a bunch of emails to poker sites and found that most are still allowing US players, at least for the time being. However, for some reason I don’t understand, many will not allow players from the following states: Michigan, Illinois, Louisiana, Oregon, Wisconsin, Washington, Indiana, Nevada, South Dakota, New York, New Jersey. The sites that won’t allow any US players at all seem to be mostly limited to “those in possession of Jenée’s money.”
I’m bummed to have to switch to a new site as I’d been very happy with my last site (well, up until that whole “your account’s closed” debacle). But last week’s panic has made me realize that I do have to consider other career possibilities soon rather than waiting until 8 months and 29 days have passed. In the meantime, if any of the links on this site seem particularly appealing (wink, wink, cough, cough) feel free to follow them.
For those poker players wondering where to go, here’s a short listing of some of the major sites’ current stance. Most of the links go to the responses that were sent to me. Some of the responses weren’t totally specific on how long they intend to do business with US customers, so some of my assumptions may not be correct. It’s best to contact the site directly if you have any concerns (and don’t be suprised if they promise you at least nine months then close your account the next day…)
Online financial institutions:
Neteller- (Which I think is by far the best) is allowing transactions. Their position is stated here.
Firepay- Has stopped all transfers to and from gaming sites.
Sites suggesting they’ll allow US players for at least 270 days following the bill’s 10/13/06 signing:
Poker Stars
Full Tilt Poker
Absolute Poker
Ultimate Bet
Prima Poker Network sites: All-In, Golden Riviera,
Sites allowing US players at least for short term:
Poker Room
Poker Rewards (state restrictions)
Prima Poker Network sites-Trident Group, Poker Metro (state restrictions), Gaming Club Poker (state restrictions), BetonBet (said it’s likely US players will not be allowed in the next week or two),
Sites not allowing any US players right now:
Party Poker
Paradise Poker (allowing existing players in non-restricted states, but no deposits)
Intertops- Not clear on current policy.
Prima Poker network sites- 32Red, Wild Jack Poker (not clear on current policy), Betway, Tell Poker, Purple Lounge, Spin Palace, Code Poker,
Poker Peeves
Despite how I may come across in writing, I’m actually a very even-tempered person. The only times I yell are when I’m driving and when I’m playing online poker. My neighbors must think I’m in an abusive lesbian relationship due to my frequent shouts of, “YOU STUPID BITCH! HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT CALL??!!” I do, however, show remarkable restraint in live games.
Playing poker creates a bit of conflict for me. On the one hand, stupid players are the reason I can make money at it. On the other hand, stupidity in any form bugs the crap out of me and I want an explanation for it. For the most part, I keep the chat function turned off but occasionally I turn it on and have been known to shoot off a snide comment here and there when someone’s ridiculous play gets lucky. It’s not that I’m a poor loser. Well, it’s partly that I’m a poor loser, but I’m also curious what possessed someone to make that play. Are they new? Did a mouse mistake work to their advantage? I want to know what made them think their 7/2 offsuit was worth all their chips. Unfortunately, explanations are hard to come by and I usually just get taunts which puts me somewhat on tilt and screws up my game. I hate lucky fools. Man how I wish I was one.
Besides those lucky bitches, some things that people often write that irk me:
“Good luck.”: If they really want me to have good luck, they should just fold and hand me their chips. Nobody wants their opponent to have good luck in a competition. They think saying this makes them look like a good sport but it only makes them sound like a phony.
“Nice hand.”: People rarely compliment you for the way you played a hand but they often compliment you on the cards you’re holding. Am I supposed to say “thanks” when all I did was sit in the right seat to get those cards? The fact is, monster hands may look nice but they don’t always pay well. I’d rather win a big pot with a nine high bluff than grab a couple blinds with quad aces.
“___ dude” or “___ man”: When someone says this to me, I usually respond with “___ lady” or “___ ma’am” and they always get all riled up about it. They say, “Why are you being a jerk?” and I say, “How am I being a jerk?” and they say, “By calling me a lady” (because apparently it’s extremely insulting to have someone think you’re a woman). So I tell them, “You started it by calling me man” and they say, “You’re a woman??” It’s as if they never considered that women play poker or they expect that we’ll have screen names like “ShoprGrl” or “ChickPlaya.”
“Poop” or “I’m going to poop on you”: Ok, I’ve only seen this once. And it was my friend who wrote it… over and over. I just hate it because it kept making me giggle. I really need to grow up.
And now my bad beat story from last night that I’m still steaming about: It was a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament and we were down to heads up. I had pocket 9′s and raised preflop about three times the big blind. He called. The flop was 6-8-9 with two hearts. So I flopped an extremely strong hand heads up but I couldn’t slow play it because of the flush and straight draws so I bet about the size of the pot. He raised. So I raised to put him all in, figuring if he was on a draw, he’d have to pay to catch it. He called… with 8-Q offsuit. Now, I could understand him putting in a raise to see if I was bluffing. But at the point I raised to put him all in, he should have assumed I had AT LEAST top pair, but given my preflop raise, he should have considered I had an overpair. It was a horrible, horrible call but I was pretty happy about it. The turn came Q. This gave me pause for concern because I do have such bad luck but with only two outs for him, it was looking good for me. Naturally the river was one of the two remaining queens. Unfuckingbelievable. It’s the story of my life: People do something incredibly stupid and I get screwed.
