I can’t help but wonder what made someone decide this was necessary. Maybe the people at 7-11 noticed a lot of customers standing in front of the machine crying “THIRSTY…SOOOO THIRSTY” and banging all the buttons. Then when the liquid came out, they tried scooping it up with their hands. So some marketing genius came along and said, “If we tell people to put the soda in cups, we’ll sell more!” And then 100 other people with master’s degrees from Harvard said, “That’s a brilliant idea!”

The thing they failed to realize is that if someone is too stupid to know how to pour a soda, they’re probably too stupid to understand the directions.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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I’m not too big on pills and remedies so before taking any I read the label just to make sure there wouldn’t be any severe side effects. I don’t need a little erectile dysfunction ruining my day. I found the label quite curious. One section says, “Ask a doctor before use if you have…”:

A migraine so severe as to require bed rest- Anybody who’s ever had a migraine knows that when you get one, you won’t be heading to aerobics class that day. If there is any possible way you can swing it to be tucked in bed with the covers pulled over your head, you’ll do it.

The worst headache of your life- Since the typical migraine registers about a 10.5 on the pain scale, it’s kinda hard to tell when one is worse than another.

Experienced your first headache after the age of 50- It doesn’t specify “migraine headache” like it does throughout the package, it just says headache and I wonder what sort of super human being has never had a headache before age 50. It could only be someone who never went to school, never worked, never had a relationship and never sat at a table next to a screaming six-month-old. Someone living in Utopia.

Despite the fact the Excedrin people sounded rather clueless on the box, they know their stuff when it comes to drugs and the pain went away. So now I’m back on my laptop working on my next migraine.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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I finished my bank transaction surprisingly fast and since I wanted to get my full money’s worth on the meter, decided I’d try my luck at making my car payment next door at Bank of Amorons. See, every other bill I pay I can do with a click of the mouse. But oh, no, not Bank of Amorons. I either have to traverse my way through 30 phone options to get to the one that tells me it costs $10 to pay over the phone or I have to fill out a check, find a stamp (what’s a stamp?) and stick the envelope on top of the building’s mailboxes where it will sit for 12 hours begging for someone to steal it and my identity along with it.

I was already there, I figured I might as well pay in person. Lucky me, there were only a couple people in line.

My payment amount was $269.70. All I had was 20 dollar bills and a load of change so I gave her $280.70. She did her thing then handed me a receipt. I stood there for a moment as we just looked at each other. Then I inquired, “My change?”

She replied, “Oh, you wanted the change?”

Well of course I wanted the change! Did she think I was tipping her for her stellar teller services? Or did she assume I hit it big in Vegas and wanted to get an $11 head start on next month’s payment? It just seems that a bank teller of all people should realize that when the numbers don’t match up, maybe she should ask a question or two. Yet another reminder of why I took my banking elsewhere a long time ago.

I skipped the change knowing the payment reversal would probably involve six employees shaking their heads in confusion for an hour and my parking time was up.

Next time, I think I’ll just buy a stamp.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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Huh? A home pregnancy test???

Yes, the brilliant minds at Sav-on determined that EPT Plus fits into the category of “impulse buy” (and/or “stocking stuffer”). Don’t they realize a pregnancy test is always the first item on the shopping list and never an afterthought? No woman gets in line, sees the boxes of EPT and says to herself, “Come to think of it, my belly’s getting quite large and I haven’t had my period in six months. Maybe I should buy this.”

A home pregnancy test is one of those items a person goes to the story specifically to buy, like Depends or Kaopectate. And nobody wants to pick up these products with a bunch of other shoppers watching. They want to find them on the middle shelf of an empty aisle so they can throw them in the basket quickly. Then they find wrapping paper, balloons, a card and a rubber chicken so it looks like some elaborate gag gift. At least, that’s what I’d do, because with my luck, I’d grab one of these items then run into some guy I’d been dating for only a week.

If they’re going to display a home pregnancy test as an impulse buy, the least they should do is fill another basket with condoms. That way, if any of the tests come back negative, maybe the store will get some repeat business from the ones who “learned their lesson.”

I’m tempted to return to the store and purchase 10 boxes of EPT. When the cashier shoots me the inevitable look, I’ll give her a wink and say, “Thanks for the reminder to load up before spring training begins. This could be my last year to nab a pro.”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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Anyway, after I wrote my last blog, I remembered something lucky that happened to me. Well, I don’t think it would actually be considered luck but it was probably the only time I benefitted from other people’s incompetence.

About four years ago, I visited Vegas pretty regularly. I was receiving so many room comps I couldn’t use all of them. Then the Paris Hotel and Casino sent me some great ones (which I thought was odd because I’d only played there a couple times). The offers were amazing: two or three nights room, $100 slot comp, $100 food comp, VIP receptions with gifts and entry to million dollar prize tournaments (that cost around $2000 for others to enter). I didn’t question my new status, just took advantage of all I could. I participated in the black jack tournaments and even a six hour bingo tournament (naturally, I won nothing). This went on for several months.

One day I called to make reservations for an offer and the lady took some time processing the information. She came back on the line and said, “I’m looking at your play history and I’m wondering, what’s your average bet?”

I told her, “Oh, around 25 dollars.”

She said, “There’s been some sort of mistake. We have you rated at four thousand dollars a hand.”

My initial instinct told me to say, “Well, I start at 25 dollars and if I win the hand, I bump it up to four grand.” But I didn’t think she’d buy it.

She told me that she’d honor the room comp but I wouldn’t be able to participate in the tournament. Damn, the jig was up!

Needless to say, I was pretty surprised when I received more deals after that which, of course, I quickly scooped up. One of the offers included a couple days over New Year’s and tickets to see Don Rickles (where I was set to party with Rickles and Aaron Spelling- I gotta relay that story in my next blog).

I learned that the Paris’ incompetence extended beyond their player’s club. On one occasion, I was arriving late and called to have them hold my room. As I always do, I requested the closest room to the casino (I’m a gambler- I don’t have time for lengthy elevator rides and long hallways). Sure enough, they gave me almost the exact opposite: a junior suite one floor from the top. Most people wouldn’t be too disappointed with an error like that but since I probably only spent about two hours total in the room, I’d have preferred the Marlboro-scented housekeeping closet right off the casino floor.

But all good things must come to an end (at least for me). After a few months, I called to abuse another offer and I think I got the lady who caught the $4000 error the first time. This time she put a stop to the freebies for good and I’ve never heard from the Paris since. In an instant, my status dropped from Vegas whale to Vegas guppy. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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“We don’t have small, we have medium instead,” the voice told me.

What the…? By definition medium can’t be the smallest! Burger King’s got a lot of nerve to think they can just change the English language because their employees can’t effectively supersize meals. They could do small, large and largest or even large, larger and largest. But medium never gets to be at either end of the line. Do they really think they’re fooling anybody calling the small size “medium?” As much as I’m convinced the world is full of idiots, I don’t believe there’s anybody out there who thinks, “I got a medium sized meal at Burger King for the same price as a small sized meal at McDonald’s! I’m coming to Burger King from now on!” It’s the same way guests staying on the 14th floor of a hotel know that they’re really on the 13th floor. A spade is still a spade.

I drove up to the window and paid for my small-sized, medium-named meal. Why, oh why, do most cashiers insist on giving back the bills or receipt first and then the change? They might as well cut out the middleman and hurl the coins on the ground themselves. I wouldn’t be surprised if “fast food cashier” is listed somewhere on Sir Isaac Newton’s résumé. Coins first, then paper.

With my bag in hand, the cashier asked me if I wanted ketchup. “No,” I said, “But may I have a side of ranch, please?” As fast food employees always do, the A.D.D.-riddled cashier then threw a handful of ketchup in my bag. I’m aware of the existence of ketchup. I’m sorry if the ketchup industry feels threatened by the growing ranch industry but I don’t need ketchup forced upon me. Maybe next time I should say I also don’t want an apple pie and see what happens.

What’s always the cashier’s final act? To roll that bag up so tight you’d think they’re trying to squeeze it into a clown car. And what’s the first thing I have to do? Unroll that bag to make sure Mr. Minimum Wage Employee didn’t forget something important, like the meal. Keep the bag open so I can quickly check the contents and so you can continue to refer to your business as “fast food.” Although, I wouldn’t put it past Burger King to start referring to their service as “faster food.”

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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It really is amazing to me that America, the land of the free, still has such screwed up priorities. Howard Stern has been practically forced off the public airwaves, while Tom Leykis gets to propagate misogynism to young impressionable men because he’s a bit more proficient with euphemisms. Connoisseurs of comedy have to pay to watch a quality sitcom like Curb Your Enthusiasm just because it contains a few naughty words while Joey rapidly contributes to the dumbing down of Americans on network television.

It’s not that I particularly like profanity. In fact, when someone uses it excessively they just sound ignorant. But even worse are the people who can never say a so-called “dirty word” or they use it in a censored fashion. Do people really think they’re somehow classier for saying, “the f word” instead of saying, “fuck?” I cringe when I see somebody write “n*gger” when what they mean is “nigger,” as if it’s the letter “i” that has oppressed black people all these years and a cute little asterisk somehow softens the word.

A woman I know told a tale about how upset her friend became when a guy called her “the c word.” Give me a break. You walk up to any woman and say, “You’re the c word” and she’ll be laughing too hard to get offended. Tell me he called her a “cunt” and maybe I’ll sympathize with her (unless, of course, she is one). Otherwise, don’t bother telling a story if you can’t tell it accurately.

I remember my sophomore English teacher telling the class, “Instead of calling somebody an ‘asshole,’ call him a ‘dolt’ or ‘dullard.’” That’s one hell of an English teacher who instructs his class to water down their statements with ineffectual words. Sadly, I think his message reflects the backward mentality of too many Americans: it’s perfectly fine to express a negative sentiment as long as you use an acceptable combination of letters.

I know I’m not saying anything new or profound here, I just really can’t comprehend the hang up people have with certain words. Let’s get the proper perspective on the problems that actually harm our society. But leave the vowels alone.

Frankly, I’m glad that I was unable to purchase American Idiot, an album that deals so much with the bullshit and hypocrisy in America, at Wal-Mart. Those sanctimonious assholes don’t deserve my 14 bucks.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2005. |
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