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Step One: Get A Brain

Tonight I went to the supermarket (others may refer to it as "7-11") and noticed that the soda machine has instructions on it. Let me be more specific: It instructs people how to pour a Coke. Not only that, it's divided into FOUR steps (grab cup, add ice, add soda, place cover on top). My car's manual for changing a tire has four steps. I believe the instructions for detonating a nuclear bomb has three (open cover, push button, shit your pants). I can't help but wonder what made someone decide this was necessary. Maybe the people at 7-11 noticed a lot of customers standing in front of the machine crying "THIRSTY...SOOOO THIRSTY" and banging all the buttons. Then when the ...

Not Tonight Dear, My Head’s About To Explode

I started getting migraine headaches about a year or two ago and I strongly suspect it's from long hours on the laptop. A few months ago, I finally bought Excedrin's migraine pain reliever. Just the fact that I finally had some medication available seemed to stop the migraines from coming for awhile then I got one this morning. I'm not too big on pills and remedies so before taking any I read the label just to make sure there wouldn't be any severe side effects. I don't need a little erectile dysfunction ruining my day. I found the label quite curious. One section says, "Ask a doctor before use if you have...": A migraine so severe as to require bed rest- Anybody ...

No Time For Change

I found a parking spot right outside my bank today. The meter said it was 15 minute parking and the payment options were either six minutes for a nickel or 12 minutes for a dime. That was it. There was no way to pay exact change for the full time allowed. They could have just made it five minutes for a nickel and 10 minutes for a dime or they even could have allowed 18 minutes parking for my extra pennies. It was like there was some underlying message that when your 15 minutes are up, Hollywood doesn't give two cents about extending it. I finished my bank transaction surprisingly fast and since I wanted to get my full money's worth ...

Impulse Buys

As I stood in line at Sav-on today, I browsed through the baskets leading to the cashier. They contained the usual items: batteries, candy, water, EPT Plus. Huh? A home pregnancy test??? Yes, the brilliant minds at Sav-on determined that EPT Plus fits into the category of "impulse buy" (and/or "stocking stuffer"). Don't they realize a pregnancy test is always the first item on the shopping list and never an afterthought? No woman gets in line, sees the boxes of EPT and says to herself, "Come to think of it, my belly's getting quite large and I haven't had my period in six months. Maybe I should buy this." A home pregnancy test is one of those items a person goes to the ...

I Was A Vegas Whale

I've been slacking a bit on my blog lately, but you know, the holidays. Actually the holidays have nothing to do with it, but it's just such an easy excuse for everything. Late to meet someone? "Sorry, holiday traffic." Want to cancel the meeting all together? "It's a bad time- the holidays." Want to eat something naughty? "Why not? It's the holidays." Pulled over by a cop? "Pleeeeeease?! It's the holidays." Anyway, after I wrote my last blog, I remembered something lucky that happened to me. Well, I don't think it would actually be considered luck but it was probably the only time I benefitted from other people's incompetence. About four years ago, I visited Vegas pretty regularly. I was receiving so ...

Fast Food Drive Thrus

I hit the drive thru at the 'ol Burger King today. The overabundance of errors they pack into a five minute experience is truly mind boggling. Let's start with the order. I asked for a small meal. "We don't have small, we have medium instead," the voice told me. What the...? By definition medium can't be the smallest! Burger King's got a lot of nerve to think they can just change the English language because their employees can't effectively supersize meals. They could do small, large and largest or even large, larger and largest. But medium never gets to be at either end of the line. Do they really think they're fooling anybody calling the small size "medium?" As much as I'm ...

Fucked up Perspective

When I decided I absolutely had to buy Green Day's American Idiot album, I was on the road and stopped at the first store I thought might carry it: Wal-Mart. I couldn't find it on the shelves so I asked a salesperson who told me they don't sell albums with "explicit lyrics." The fact that Wal-Mart sells bullets but won't carry music with profanity is perfectly logical because we've all read the statistics on how many kids die each year from the word "fuck." It really is amazing to me that America, the land of the free, still has such screwed up priorities. Howard Stern has been practically forced off the public airwaves, while Tom Leykis gets to propagate misogynism to ...

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