Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots » Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits: RIP George Carlin

Jenée — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:05:20 +0000

The comedy world has lost a true pioneer, George Carlin. In fairness I should disclose that I didn’t think Carlin was the funniest standup comedian but he was a brilliant satirist who will best be remembered for his “Seven Dirty Words You Can’t Say On Television” routine. Sadly, he passed before our society took its collective head out of its ass and realized how harmless words are. As an avid proponent of the First Amendment who despises the FCC, I appreciate and applaud his efforts.

Here he is with the revised version of his list:

Tags: george carlin, seven dirty words you can’t say on tv, comedy

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Afghanistan ’08- Day One

Jenée — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 00:08:05 +0000

Actually, day one was mostly spent on (or waiting for) planes. I flew from LA to NY then transferred to a flight from NY to Frankfurt with ridiculously small seats. My seating companion on the latter flight was a wannabe Borat who liked to chat. Luckily, the only open seat on the flight happened to be next to his buddy so he spent most of the flight there, giving me some room to stretch out. He returned toward the end and said, “I like make present for beautiful woooman” and gave me a box of chocolates. I thought it was kind of strange that he happened to have an extra box of chocolates on him, even more strange when he said he had four more boxes. Apparently Borat’s a playa (as in “player,” not a Spanish beach).

From Frankfurt we (the other comic and I) rode about an hour to Ramstein AFB, which is where I spent a night when I toured the Balkans a few years ago. Somehow on the last trip I must have missed the fact that the German word for “exit” is “ahsfart” so every time I passed an “ahsfart” sign I couldn’t help but giggle. I’m so immature.

The other comic’s name is Ira Proctor and we spent the morning trying to catch a flight to Afghanistan. It kept getting delayed and in the afternoon they finally told us to come back at 3 am so we checked into hotel rooms and got some sleep. Now we’re just waiting to see if we’ll get on that flight. Hopefully we will and the next time you’ll hear from me I’ll be in Afghanistan. And hopefully it won’t be on a grainy video with me holding that day’s newspaper.

Ok, time for me to ahsfart.

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Take My Damn Picture

Jenée — Sat, 15 Jul 2006 03:31:41 +0000

Last night I went to a friend’s birthday party. A few close friends were there but most of the comics were three minute jobs: they ask me how it’s going, I say “all right” and ask them the same, they then spend 2:50 telling me everything going on in their career and personal life and I point to an imaginary friend and say, “Nice talking with you but I have to go talk to that spot on the wall immediately.” Not quite- I give the spot a name so as not to give away my desire to escape.

After about an hour of greeting people I haven’t seen in a long time, I realized I wasn’t being groped in the manner to which I’ve become accustomed. See, when you’re a female comic you quickly get used to male comics fondling various body parts. It reaches the point where having one grab your ass doesn’t seem much different from having him shake your hand. In fact, it’s very much like having a little kid cop a feel here and there in the pool: you don’t see anything sexual about it. While I don’t particularly enjoy the man-handling from comics, the thought of becoming unworthy of it is somewhat depressing.

A couple people pulled out cameras and asked me to take their pictures. When did I become the photographer? These are friends of mine and they didn’t even pull the “Take our picture and then I’ll take one of you two” tactic. It’s a goddamn digital photo. You can delete it later but at least pretend you want to take my picture. It occurred to me that the last time anybody took my picture was at my brother’s wedding last fall. I mean intentionally. There has been the occasional “Hey- that’s me in the corner scratching my head!” But I don’t think there’s been any posing.

Finally, the birthday boy A. asked me to be in a shot with two of my friends who were looking particularly fabulous (I’d already told T. she looked like a trophy wife and S. looked like the mistress- those are big compliments in this town). A. took the picture and said, “Wow- that’s a hot picture with T. and S. in it.” I think I let out a yelp and he added, “Oh, and Jenée.” The little fucker tried to play it off as a joke, but I’m not entirely certain it was one.

I was engaged in a heated debate on the importance of nail polish on a woman when across the room I spotted R., who’s spent the last seven years trying to get me in bed. I said to the guy next to me, “If R. doesn’t make a pass at me, I’m going to cry.” He asked why and I explained I was feeling very unattractive because of the pictures and the lack of groping and then I told him the history with R. He said, “If you’d like, I could anal rape you in my rental car.” I hugged him for the sweet attempt to make me feel desirable.

Five minutes later, R. came over and I was a little worried I might not make the grade. But the first words out of his mouth were, “Oooh, your hair’s down. Too bad your top isn’t.” So I fucked him. Ok, I didn’t. But I’m beginning to think five years from now that just might be enough to make it happen. At least I know I’ve still got it for now. Maybe not much of it, but a little.

Tags: birthday, comics, comedians, anal rape

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From The Blog To The Stage

Jenée — Sun, 09 Jul 2006 20:54:43 +0000

Last week for the first time, I tried converting bits from my blog into my standup act and some are actually keepers. So thanks to all you readers for keeping me writing regularly. I taped some sets and put a few bits online. Here’s one you may recall from a recent post about 7-11. I guess you could call it “live-action blogging”:

If you care to see any others, you can view them on MySpace.com. I’ll probably be adding more soon.

Tags: video, videos, standup, standup comedy video, 7-11, humor, funny

Bombs For North Korea With My Name On Them

Jenée — Mon, 26 Jun 2006 20:42:02 +0000

I sometimes create post titles that are a bit misleading but with the missile situation in North Korea right now, this one could be accurate. Allow me to share the full story…

A couple years ago, I was performing at Kunsan Air Base in South Korea and after one of the shows some soldiers asked if I wanted to go off base to O-Town (or maybe it was called A-Town. One was a reality show band, the other is a rinkydink town in Korea). Having a total disregard for personal safety, I agreed to accompany this group of complete strangers in a foreign land.

O/A-Town is just a few miles from the base and consists of a couple of blocks of dingy bars and restaurants. I was immediately introduced to the local flavor called Soju, a potent concoction that tastes like juice so you tend to consume way too much of it. It’s so sweet you have to chase it with a vitamin drink to prevent hangovers. Just to show you the powers of the Soju, a guy in a kilt (in Korea?) allowed me to get photo documentation of what’s underneath his kilt and this is how one of my loaded companions captured the once-in-a-lifetime moment. And so the answer to one of life’s big questions remains unproven.

We stopped at a few bars, all of which were mostly the same: tiny holes with about 10 tables and one bored (or maybe scared) Korean girl in a bathing suit (not a bikini) dancing with a pole looking like she’d been sold into her profession by “evil Japanese business man.” The Mama at one of the bars was awesome. She was about 4’5″, cleaned the tables with a lit cigarette in her hand and barked angrily at all the soldiers she’d probably been sick of dealing with since 1955. I love characters like that. She’s so cute I even published this ghastly image of myself so you can see her. She took a liking to me so I asked if I could make my pole dancing debut on her stage. At first she refused but the guys assured her I wasn’t in the military so she agreed.

I took the stage and must say, I think I missed my true calling in life (damn cellulite)! I whipped around that pole like I’d been doing it since childhood, which I think is when all the great strippers get started. This action shot shows I was no timid flower up there. Unfortunately, my hair took out three innocent bystanders. After a few minutes I was joined onstage by another girl (as you can see, the “gift with the pole” is not posessed by all) and the crowd went wild, hoping for a little lesbian action. Their dirty fantasies were cut short when Mama started yelling from the front door, “Get down! Get down!” It was Terminator Mama! Like a scene from a bad sitcom, she literally had a military police officer’s head wedged in the partially open door, as if that was preventing him from seeing inside. We hightailed it to the dancer dressing area, which was about two square feet surrounded by a curtain and missing the complimentary cocaine you’d find at the American equivalent. We hung out there a little while until the MP’s had left (they routinely patrol all the bars). Apparently the girl who joined me was a soldier, which could have caused some problems for her and/or the establishment. When I sat back down, one of the guys handed me $10. Ten bucks and I didn’t even take off any clothes. I think that’s a real testament to my pole skills (or maybe it was just in appreciation of the fact I didn’t take my clothes off. Whatever- I’ll take it).

We headed back to base with about 20 minutes until lockout and the guys started hassling our cab driver about the price. He got mad, pulled over and told us to get out. A dark road littered with the occasional decrepid building is not the place where you want to be stranded in the middle of the night with five random miltary men. I don’t know if one of the guys sweet-talked him or if I’m now unknowingly married to a Korean cabbie but somehow he agreed to take us the rest of the way. After a mad dash to the entrance we made it inside just in time. Naturally, the plan after that was to get even more drunk and belligerent at parties on the base (for all my discussions in here about alcohol consumption, I feel I should mention I actually don’t drink very often but when I do, I usually get hammered. Or I guess “bombed” would be more appropriate for this story).

Five a.m. rolled around and one of the guys asked, “You wanna paint a bomb?” I had absolutely no idea what that meant so I quickly said, “YEAH!” (After a few cocktails, I’m as big an idiot as anyone). He grabbed some paint cans and took me out to a hangar full of actual bombs. He told me to have at it and I did, so drunk that it never even occurred to me that I was defacing federal property. I just figured if the officer said I could do it, it must be okay (which I’m pretty sure is the same brilliant thought process that led to the Abu Ghraib scandal among others). Not an experienced tagger, I proceeded to write “Jenée” on one and “Jenée’s Bitch” on another. Real smart putting my name on there while posters of me were hanging all over the base. I might as well have written, “You can arrest me at this address: 265…” I’m guessing some soldier raped or killed a local, thereby deflecting attention from my crime, as they never came for me. Whatever the reason, it was a lucky break for me!

I don’t know if bombs have an expiration date but I assume my babies are still on active duty not far from the demilitarized zone (DMZ). Obviously, I hope the North Korea situation is handled peacefully… but if it isn’t, look for my bombs on CNN!

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Last Comic Standing

Jenée — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 20:16:20 +0000

I have to comment on the new season of Last Comic Standing, which premiered Tuesday night. I know a lot of people connected with the show: many of the comics, writers, producers, hosts and have played poker with talent scout Ross Mark for years.

The biggest surprise of the new season is that Tony Clark is hosting. Last time around, Tony was one of the celebrity judges for the finals in Vegas along with Drew Carey and Brett Butler and there was a bit of a scandal. When the houseguests were announced, the judges were surprised that one of the best comics didn’t get in and one of the worst ones did. They compared notes and discovered the results were not based on their votes. The judges, particularly Butler on her website, made a fuss about it and it was revealed that NBC reserves the right to adjust the outcome of the entire show to their liking (as is probably the case with other shows, even American Idol). None of this came as a shock to the comedy community. Despite the open casting calls for LCS, most established comics have audition times arranged for them. Even those auditions are virtually pointless as many of the finalists have been chosen in advance. One friend of mine told me how she was asked to give background information on one of the eventual finalists before auditions ever took place. So it’s pretty much all fixed and I’m curious why Tony decided to host it.

As for the premiere episode, the thing I found most amusing was the way they talked about the success of season two winner John Heffron and season three winner Alonzo Bodden but conveniently omitted season one winner Dat Phan. Dat was young and cute and Asian but unfortunately, not the least bit funny. His win was probably due to a little assistance from NBC which is why it didn’t translate into any sold out comedy tours.

Once again, bookers Bob and Ross did their best to ask questions that indicated they’d never seen these comics before even though they’ve known many of them for years. And barely-amusing character-types won out over seasoned performers. I know they’re looking for potential sitcom stars but given the title of the competition, it’s a bit of a disgrace that guys as hilarious as Jimmy Pardo and Doug Benson didn’t even make it to the Las Vegas finals. Too bad for them that someone else from their own agency (Omnipop) was picked to fill the sole white guy spot. The female finalists are particularly weak and will only propogate the widespread notion that chicks aren’t funny.

I’ll probably continue to give updates on the show but if anybody’s interested in knowing who made it into the house and who has been eliminated, I posted them here. The password is “lcs”

Protected: LCS Finalists. Password: LCS

Jenée — Thu, 01 Jun 2006 20:15:59 +0000

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The Joke’s On Me

Jenée — Thu, 13 Apr 2006 11:12:35 +0000

While some readers sympathized about my last date, as a 5’10″ female standup comic, I guess I should consider myself fortunate to get any dates at all:

Funny Women Are A Turn Off

Men are intimidated, research says

New research has found truth in the old stereotype that most men find funny women a turn-off.

Scientists say women who tell jokes are seen as a threat, undermining men’s idea that they should hold the dominant role.

Hundreds of men and women in their twenties were questioned by academics. Most said they found a sense of humour to be attractive in women – but when asked if they would want to be with a woman who cracked jokes herself, more than half said no.

Dr Rod Martin, whose research will be published in the scientific journal Evolution and Human Behaviour this week, said his findings suggested men feel threatened by witty women.

“When forced to choose between humour production and humour appreciation in potential partners, women valued humour production, whereas men valued receptivity to their own humour,” he said.

Dr Martin, a psychologist with the University of Western Ontario who has written several academic papers on humour, added: “One of the reasons why men don’t like female comedians may be that humour is seen as a masculine thing.”

But his research did find that men did show a preference for funny women when it came to one-night stands

The Independent on Sunday, which reported on the research today, put the findings to leading females.

Kumars star Meera Syal said: “The idea that men are more interested in having an audience rather than sharing banter doesn’t really surprise me. Women see men with a sense of humour as dangerous and sexy, while men see it as threatening.

“Humour is a mark of intelligence. Many men don’t really want to be the recipient of a cutting remark in public that will make them look small or stupid.”

Oriane Messina, of Radio 4′s Bearded Ladies, said: “I can’t say I’ve laughed a man into bed, whereas I know plenty of men who have laughed a woman into bed.”

Catherine Tate said: “I do recognise this type of man. They think that because you’re being funny you are entering their domain. Some backward types are threatened by funny women. It’s mad.”

And stand-up Lucy Porter added that the men who were bold enough to chat her up probably did so because “they think that if you are outrageous on stage, then you are going to be really dirty in bed”.

(From Chortle)

Tags: funny women, standup-comic, comedienne, comedian, jokes

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