From The Blog To The Stage
Last week for the first time, I tried converting bits from my blog into my standup act and some are actually keepers. So thanks to all you readers for keeping me writing regularly. I taped some sets and put a few bits online. Here’s one you may recall from a recent post about 7-11. I guess you could call it “live-action blogging”:
If you care to see any others, you can view them on MySpace.com. I’ll probably be adding more soon.
My First Blog “Duh”
Those of you who have read my blog for awhile may remember the “duh” threat I issued (“Calling Out Idiots”) in regard to comments. Up to this point, I’ve never had to use it, which may be because the readers who stuck around get what I’m writing or it may be because most people simply stopped leaving comments out of fear. Well, the time has finally come to leave my first “duh” and it goes out to Marie‘s response to “A Family That Smokes Together, Stays Together (Until The Kids Rat ‘Em Out)”. Since this is the first “duh,” I’ll explain:
In the post, I wrote that I was curious about the fact that the 23-year-old man was referred to as the father rather than the stepfather of the 11 and 12-year-olds. And Marie wrote, “Well if the oldest kid is 12, it means Carlson, who is 11 years older, could ¤technicaly¤ be the father…”
I can understand that some people might think such a complex mathematical equation might be a challenge for someone who attended the Unversity of Hawaii (“You can’t spell ‘duh’ without ‘UH’”). I’m aware that it’s not the most difficult school to get into. Other colleges require extensive forms and essays. At UH, you can call in your application and they ask one question: “Is Hawaii one of the 50 states?” As long as you answer either “Yes” or “I’m not sure, I was absent that day,” you’re in (I threw them a curveball and said it was the 51st state after Washington D.C. They didn’t know how to verify it and put me in the accelerated program). So I admit I went to a crappy school but there’s a calculator on my cell phone, which helped me determine the father’s age at the time of the oldest child’s birth.
I also attended public schools growing up, which means I may not have been properly educated in biology. But, like most red-blooded American idiots, I read the gossip rags and am aware that Mary Kay LeTourneau became impregnated by a 12-year-old boy. My trusty calculator showed me that 12 is one year older than 11, which is a pretty short time frame and therefore I gathered that an 11-year-old boy could possibly reproduce.
That all said, it was never a question of whether the man could be the biological father, I just found it unlikely and wondered if the omission of the “step” was because he actually was their biological father, if he was their adoptive father or if it was just because the reporter was a graduate of UH’s journalism program.
But thanks, Marie, and congrats on receiving the first “duh.”
Weird Tag
I got my first “tag” from Kristi at A Beautiful Mess. The way I recall the game of tag as a kid was a boy would touch me and say, “You’re it” then I’d turn around, kick him in the balls and say, “You’re it.” (I always blamed my bad early luck with boys on my height and freckles but maybe the long-term testicular damage I caused had something to do with it). No balls to kick in this tag, I’m just supposed to list six weird things about myself. I think the weirdest thing is that I had a hard time coming up with this list. Gotta love denial.
Apparently I’m supposed to tag six other people but since there were no promises of riches if I do or threats of eternal suffering if I don’t, I think I’ll just keep it here and anybody who wants to play along can post their list.
Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay
I want to put in a plug for one of the funniest blogs I’ve come across, which happens to belong to my friend, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor. It’s called “Baby on Bored” and primarily deals with her experiences as a new mom. Normally, that topic would be far from my area of interest, but Stefanie writes from the perspective of someone who’s not the “mommy” type. She’s only a “cunt” or two away from uptight readers calling Child Protective Services on her.
In addition to her great blog, she has a new book out called “Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay…And Other Things I Had To Learn As A New Mom” (available at Amazon). She’ll be hawking the book on tomorrow morning’s Today Show. Since there’s not much chance I’ll catch her appearance at that insane hour, if anybody watches it, please tell me something she said so I can quote it back to her and tell her she was fabulous.
Anyway, check out her blog and buy her book. She’s a degenerate poker player and a comic so she needs all the sales she can get.
***Update*** Stefanie got bumped from tomorrow’s Today Show for some late breaking news guest so they’re pre-taping her segment for airing next week. The good news is her blog has not been bumped and is available for reading right now.
Cybergeek Stuff
Open Trackback Alliance
I’m now an official member of the Open Trackback Alliance (keep reading- it’s even geekier than it sounds). What that means is every Friday I will publish a post that anybody can trackback to with their own post and have a link and excerpt for it displayed on the front page of my blog almost instantly. The purpose is two-fold: 1) To showcase people’s best recent posts and 2) To exchange links, which increases both sites’ search engine visibility and traffic. What I’ve found is that the sort of people who participate in this exchange tend to have very well-written blogs (even if some of their political views make my skin crawl. But that’s beside the point). It’s actually a great way to discover interesting new blogs.
I won’t go into all the details about how the OTA works as you can find all that in the FAQ (while you’re there, check out the rest of OTA founder Samantha Burns’ blog- she’s a smart, funny chick). All you really need to know is that to participate, you just have to include a link to this site (preferably to my homepage) and send me a trackback from your post to the weekly post designated for open trackbacks. If you’re not familiar with trackbacks or how to send them with your blogging software, again, I direct you to the FAQ. I will post the specifics, such as the address for sending trackbacks in Friday’s post. I particularly hope some of the regulars here will choose to participate.
Technorati’s Top 100 Favorite Blogs
One reason this is a good time for people to participate in the OTA is that “People are Idiots” is number two on Technorati’s favorite’s list so it’s sending a bit of extra traffic my way. It’s not the kind of traffic I pulled in for my Blogjacking efforts but it’s decent and I’m happy to share the traffic if I can. To explain: Technorati is the number one search engine for blogs and they recently implemented the capability for members to add various sites to their Technorati favorites (thus the link that’s been prominently displayed over on the sidebar). I’ve been hovering at number two on the list for awhile. I’m also at #10. I think when I transferred my blog over a few weeks ago, it doubled up my domain’s favorites. I either look really cool or really stupid for having two listings on there. I think it’s the latter. If you haven’t already added my site, it would be kind of nifty if you did. And “nifty” is one of those special words I don’t just throw around haphazardly. I’d kind of like to be at number one because it’s looking like it could be my last chance to make any sort of mark in life. When I die, someone can say about me, “She spent one week at #1 on Technorati’s favorite list.” Then everybody will whisper, “What the hell is Technorati?”
What do you get for adding me to your favorites? Nothing! What do I get in return? Absosmurfly nothing! There’s won’t be any 
coverage of the ascension in People Magazine, there won’t be a fancy awards ceremony and ball. It’s just one of those things where if I’m gonna be #2, I might as well be #1. Yaknowwadaimean? And I only need 12 additions at this point. If you do add me, please use this here link because the url is slightly different than my homepage url (which, unfortunately, is the one at #10). If I make it to #1, I promise to stay away from religion (for a little while, anyway) and write some funny stuff. Sound good?
It’s Alive!
Some people may have noticed that my site’s been down for almost two days. Or maybe nobody noticed. But please don’t tell me that so I can continue with my grand delusion that people went into panic mode when they couldn’t access my blog.
I was in the middle of writing a post when suddenly the download manager popped up asking me if I wanted to download pages instead of viewing them. I sent my piece-of-crap web hosting company (not to be confused with the piece-of-crap web hosting company I ditched just two months ago) about seven help tickets marked “urgent” over the course of 24 hours and couldn’t get even a reply! It took until the fifth ticket before I included my first angry “fuck,” which I think showed a lot of restraint considering my site and email weren’t working.
Their website claims, “You can speak to us 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year.” What they don’t mention is that you can speak to them 24 hours a day, but they probably won’t be listening and they certainly won’t be responding. Being ignored aggravates me to no end. They could have said they were working on the problem or they could have said they didn’t know what the problem was. They could have even blamed it all on me. But they should have said SOMETHING. I finally had to switch to a new web host and wait for the DNS servers to switch over. Let me tell you, once you switch from html to php and SQL, you want to find a good host and stay there forever. Figuring out how to configure that stuff is a bitch.
So now 36 hours has passed since I first wrote them and still nothing. My chances of getting a refund of the balance paid don’t look good. Where’s that Virtual Bullet when you need it?
Moving (Again)
“People are Idiots” is moving again. Sorta. I decided to make the blog my homepage since I really wasn’t adding mini blogs the way I’d hoped. But rather than force everybody to update their links and bookmarks, I’ve decided to keep the old one put as somewhat of a mirror.
If you decide to continue reading the blog in the old location, the only differences will be that the Blogger comments will be closed and the comment link will take you to the homepage’s posts where the comments will be displayed. Also, I may not add all the mini blogs to the old location. You can find those in the keyword category link, “Mini Blogs.”
The new location has some options I think are pretty cool. For one thing, there’s a “recent comments” module where you can see some of the latest comments, even if they’re for older posts. You can also subscribe to the feed for all comments or subscribe just to individual post comments so you can track replies to your words of wisdom from your news reader (fear not, I’ve imported all the old posts and comments so they’re still available).
Read it in the old location, read it in the new location. It really doesn’t matter. But thanks for reading it wherever you do.
New permanent home for “People are Idiots”: www.jenee.net
Game Over
All good things must come to an end and so it is with my reign as queen of the blogjackers. Apparently the folks at Blogger finally got their acts together and fixed the recently updated list. Damn competence burns me again! And I think I was finally getting close to that coveted death threat after my last post. So once again, this blog will just be me talking to myself. Actually, I have to say that while my three links on Blogger’s Dashboard did bring in a lot of traffic, it was nowhere near the kind of numbers you’d expect from such high profile listings.
I never really cared much about the amount of traffic I had prior to the windfall, but now that I’ve wasted time shamelessly cluttering the site with stupid ads, I feel I need to justify the wasted time by figuring out how to get new click happy folks to my blog (I might as well admit the Mesothelioma post was both a challenge and a joke. Check out this to understand why people’s explanation of it were counterproductive to my purpose. I ain’t stupid). I think I might even turn to whoring myself on (ugh) MySpace. So you can probably expect a lot more changes to the site in the near future.
For the most part, I write this blog for me. But at the same time, I like that it sort of keeps me in touch with the few family members who read it. And, of course, it’s rewarding when people who stumble upon it find it entertaining and/or interesting. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog has renewed my long-lost interest in writing and I really appreciate those who have showed continued support for this endeavor. I probably won’t discover another nefarious way to bring mass visitors to my site but I do hope to provide the occasional worthwhile post to keep the current regulars coming back.
Calling Out Idiots
There seems to be some confusion as to the nature of this blog. It’s called “People are Idiots” because I primarily discuss the idiotic behaviors I encounter on a regular basis. But judging by a few of the comments to my posts, some people seem to think this blog is “People for Idiots,” like it’s some sort of group that supports idiots. While I would be happy to accept any donations on behalf of Jessica Simpson, Anna Nicole Smith and George Bush, they won’t receive the money and sending such a donation will only add you to their ranks.
I appreciate people taking the time to leave their comments, I really do, so I think I should clear up some things. The first being that I am not an idiot. Sure, I have my moments but they’re far enough apart for me to not qualify as being an idiot. If I say something in my blog that seems totally absurd or if a solution is painfully obvious, trust me, I know about it. Sometimes I take a little poetic or comedic license when I write. Including a bunch of disclaimers or explanations would take away what little humor I have to offer. That’s not to say that I never get things wrong, just that if the average moron on the street knows what’s correct, then I do too. Ask if you’re not sure.
If I claim ignorance on a topic like, oh, say, Mesothelioma, it’s not because I don’t know how to learn more about it. I’m sure that the 20 or so people who offered explanations of Mesothelioma through comments were trying to be helpful. But since the mere mention of the word caused a dozen or so “Learn More About Mesothelioma” ads to pop up on that page, I wasn’t lacking for convenient, expert resources- even if I wasn’t already well versed in the workings of a Google search. Then again, maybe the comments weren’t attempts at being helpful but rather a “screw you” to me after I said I didn’t want to know more about it.
That all said, I’ve deleted most of the recent offenders to save some embarrassment but from now on, I’m calling people out. If someone wants to point out the obvious, I’m going to respond with the simplest, yet most effective retort ever: “Duh.” Now, I don’t want to scare people away from leaving comments, so I’ve added a little “Duh” semi-immunity: I’ll limit my abuse toward those who use the simplest, yet most effective excuse ever: “I was drunk.” Just preface your comment with ***DRUNK COMMENT*** and I’ll cut you some slack. Notice I said “some” slack because there are certain levels of idiocy that go beyond mere drunkenness.
You’re Not Gonna Believe This
I was finishing up today’s post when an email brought to my attention the fact that my blog is missing the “flag?” button. Now, it’s possible that the Blogger powers-that-be stumbled upon my blog (which isn’t hard to do these days), realized the enormous social importance of this blog (through such topics as the American Idol premiere, Paris Hilton’s smashup and Robbie Kneivel’s sex life) and decided to rid me of the oppressive judgment measure other Blogger users are subjected to.
But since I don’t live in Never Never Land, I know that didn’t happen.
Instead, it appears that I’m the recipient of some flagging (derived from the words “fag” and “flogging”) which is done by closed-minded sheep boinkers (although, it could have been done by a friend, in which case, that’s pretty funny).
I was curious if the flagging was due to my blog’s content or my “increased visibility within Blogger.” So I checked out the other blogs occupying the recently updated list. The first three sites all had their flags in place. Then I got to “Poker Abby Teaches Poker.” I wanted that page almost as much as I wanted “Lesbian Therapy.” It, too, didn’t have a flag. In fact, it didn’t have any page at all! You guessed it… I am seizing the world one recently updated blog at a time! And it never ceases to crack me up.
I figured I was already pushing it with the two other blogs pointing here. But I’m not quite ready to get rid of “My Blog” so I decided to keep the new site in it’s usual location and continue in the tradition of the old Poker Abby’s advice blog. However, it’s no longer advice on playing poker, it’s just advice coming from a poker player. As you can guess, this ain’t Dear Abby’s kind of advice. For the two of you who don’t already know the way to the page go to: Poker Abby. (Stop by and submit a question)
As for any further conquering, I do believe this is it. I’m sure by this time next week, I’ll no longer have a Blogger account, though I don’t think I’ve actually broken any rules. Regardless, flag me all you want- this blog’s not going anywhere.
Blog Hijacking!
IT’S OFFICIAL: I AM THE BIGGEST BLOGEEK.
Some of the regular readers may have wondered about the recent influx of comments on my blog. Unfortunately it’s not due to particularly stellar posts or any grand accomplishments by me. I did just what the title says- I hijacked a blog. Actually, as of this morning, two blogs.
I noticed that the “Recently Updated” list on the Blogger Dashboard hasn’t been updated at all for the last few weeks so I checked out some of the sites. One of the blogs no longer had an owner and I wondered if I could snap it up. Two minutes later, “My Blog” was mine. I added a little redirect to “People are Idiots” and voila! The people cometh.
But what I really wanted was the blog titled “Lesbian Therapy.” Sure, I knew it wouldn’t help with my Christmas card argument but I also knew that a title like that would draw in the masses and thrust my reader numbers to the heights of such esteemed works as Time, Newsweek and Big Boobies Weekly. I checked back today and, as luck would have it, “Lesbian Therapy” was available! (Yeah, THAT’S the sort of insignificant “luck” that I have). Besides gaining more readers, I get the amusement of imagining hordes of guys plowing through a bunch of posts, all the while wondering, “Come on! When does she talk about showering in the women’s locker room?”
So why do I need more readers? I don’t. My old group of loyal readers are great but most seemed to be on the same wavelength as me and I wanted a little more dissention. I won’t feel like I’ve truly made it as a blogger until I get my first official death threat. If anybody’s a little peeved at my blog-hogging, I assure you that no matter how bad you think my blog is, it’s still much better than the ones that filled those slots before. Plus, if my usual luck stays true to form, Blogger will finally fix the problem tomorrow and this place will be a ghost town once again.
In the meantime, thanks for coming, have a look around and don’t be afraid to admit how you found my blog.
Blog Updates
I thought some of the regular readers might want updates on past blogs…
Arrested Development: The word today is that ABC and Showtime are interested in buying the show (if Fox ever officially cancels it). There IS hope!!!
Kazakhstani journalist Borat Sagdiyev: After the country of Kaz threatened to sue Sascha Baron Cohen (Da Ali G Show), he posted the following statements on his Borat character’s website:
I like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my government’s decision to sue this Jew.
Since the 2003 reforms, Kazakhstan is as civilized as any other country in the world. Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats and age of consent has been raised to 8 years old.
Please, captain of industry, I invite you to come to Kazakhstan, where we have incredible natural resources, hard-working labor and some of the cleanest prostitutes in all of central Asia. Goodbye.”
Kaz has retaliated by shutting down his .kz website address. I think I’m falling in love with Cohen and I want to thank the Kaz government for all the publicity that will surely make his upcoming Borat movie a huge success.
The disappearing mole: It appears to be growing back, but it’s about an inch to the left. What the hell’s going on????
Stanley “Tookie” Williams executed: Now maybe all those celebrities can use their free time to help people who haven’t murdered anybody.
I have 3 friends on MySpace: I just checked in on my MySpace page and a guy I barely know asked me to be on his friends list. The only way he could have found me was by sifting through Doug’s 6500 friends. How could I say “no” after all that trouble? Oh, and Green Day finally accepted me. I know I said I’d remove them but that’s the sort of thing one says when they think they’ve been rejected.
New musical obsession: Well, it’s a new musical interest anyway. But the fact that I haven’t heard one Green Day song in over a week should please anybody who’s concerned about me. Last week I watched Saturday Night Live for the first time in ages because a comic I know (Dane Cook) was hosting. It’s a huge accomplishment to achieve this level of success because of his standup and not because he’s a big movie or tv star. Anyway, his monologue was great but the rest of the show was horribly unfunny (the writers should be embarrassed).
I was fast forwarding through the musical guest I’d never heard of (James Blunt) and there was something about his expressions, even in high speed, that made me want to hear a few notes. I liked him instantly. He had this really interesting sound and performed the sort of ballads that make you want to write the movie scene around the song. I’ve been enjoying his album “Back to Bedlam” ever since. The way I’d been rocking out to “St. Jimmy” lately, other LA drivers should thank Mr. Blunt for my musical switch.
I discovered something interesting about him: I checked out his website to see if he was going to be performing in LA (missed him at the Wiltern in November) and in his bio I read that he was a captain in the British army and was stationed in Pristina, Kosovo at the same time I performed there (all the other bases I worked were US military but Pristina is NATO). Makes me wonder if he saw me perform and wrote the song “You’re Beautiful” for me (hee hee…and I really and truly believe Green Day are my friends).
Profanity hang ups: I was speaking with a customer service rep. the other day when she said, “You will have to keep this conversation professional or I’ll discontinue the call.”
I wasn’t yelling or anything so I had to ask, “What exactly hasn’t been professional?”
She said, “Your use of profanity.”
“You mean the word ‘jackass’?” I asked.
She told me that if I said it again she’d hang up on me. I would understand if I’d called her a jackass, but what I said was that “I look like a jackass” because of a policy of theirs that isn’t published on their website. Regardless, who considers “jackass” to be profanity anyway? All the really bad words can be identified by their first letter and I’ve never heard anybody refer to “the j word.”
I suddenly switched from jackass mode to smartass mode. “You gotta be kidding me.” She had an accent so I asked, “What country are you in that I can’t say that word?”
“I’m in Florida.” Of course. They’re ALL in Florida these days.
I responded, “If I’m not allowed to use words that the FCC has determined to be permissible on the public airwaves, how am I supposed to know what words I’m allowed to use with you? Is there a list on your website where I can find what words are and aren’t acceptable?”
She hung up.
Ninety percent of the calls I make to companies are preceded with the message, “This call may be recorded for quality control purposes.” Naturally, this wasn’t one of them. I called back hoping to get her again because this time I wanted to call HER a jackass but I got someone else. I started to explain the situation to the next rep. but she too threatened to hang up.
What can I say? People are idiots.
Blog Surfing #1
I gathered from the comments to my blog that a lot of people surf through random blogs. I decided to give it a try, expecting to find some interesting and others so bad they’d be entertaining. What I found was that most are just bad. I don’t say that simply because I find the topics boring; many of them are outright incoherent. I’m new to the whole blogging thing- are we supposed to do a bong hit before posting?
In my search, I did find a few worth mentioning and thought I’d post them here for you other blog surfers. If anybody finds this compilation helpful, perhaps I’ll do it again from time to time. Oh, and one question: Where’s Aliso Viejo and why do they have so many real sex partners available?
The blogs:
Zlapane w kadrze: I like this site because it taught me that you don’t have to be an American to be a redneck.
Someday..i know u will be back: The snowflakes, the cheesy music. No, he won’t be back.
Life is better blonde: walmart after hours: I thought this little story was actually funny. Chiiiic-KOOON!
Tim’s Dodge Charger Page: This whole page is dedicated to Tim’s car. Now, I’m no car aficionado, but is a ’73 Dodge Charger a source of pride or is this page a plea for help from Pimp My Ride?
Goh Shu Fen: I don’t know if it’s the disco-era title or the fact that I have to click “ok” to the announcement “I AM GO SHU FEN,” but I’m tempted to believe this is an SNL character in progress.
Icing Babies: Are these supposed to be eaten? Creepy.
New Girl in Town: Life is so tough when you’re nominated for homecoming queen. The line, “Josh has escorted the winning girl every year since he was a junior in high school” makes me picture Arrested Development‘s STEVE HOLT! enjoying his senior year for the fifth time.
Mars Hill: The only reason I selected this blog is the profile picture. He just looks…scared. It’s as if he’s being held captive by Al Quaida and they’re standing beside him with guns yelling, “Blog, infidel! Blog!”
