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She Bangs…But Won’t Be Banging Him

It's taken me a few days to post this because there's a lot that I've had to process and come to terms with. After John-John and before Clooney-pie, my celeb crushes were Antonio Sabato Jr. and Ricky Martin, who are probably the two most beautiful male specimens to ever walk this planet. Antonio is so stunning that, as a friend can attest, I swerved my car and almost caused an accident the first time I saw his Calvin Klein underwear billboard on Sunset. That's some powerful art. Then I saw him at a party and there's a slight chance that I may have ever-so-gently brushed up against him as I passed. ...

Tags: antonio sabato jr., ricky martin, ron jeremy

Things That Make Me Happy #213

... Hearing the words "please," "thank you" and "I'm sorry," especially when said by my nephews without any prompting. ... When my nephews yell "NENE!!" and attack me upon arrival, even though it tends to destroy my back for a couple days. ... Time I get to spend with my nephews (well, up to 72 hours. There are only so many conversations about superheroes I can take). ... People who have their money ready. ... Lines that move quickly. ... No lines at all. ... New episodes of Lost, particularly ones that are Desmond-centric. ... Suited Big Slick in the hole. ... When the U.S. provides humanitarian aid to our enemies. ... When karma skips her lunch break. ... Rumors ...

Three Minutes In Hollywood

The action never stops. 1:12 am- Two guys run full speed toward my car. One tosses a bag to the curb as they keep running. I'm guessing they weren't getting a jump on the next Olympic trials. 1:15 am- I have to slam on my brakes to avoid hitting Ron Jeremy who darted in front of my car. I know he doesn't look like he can dart but I assure you, he darted. The funniest thing to me is that even in the dark I knew it was him before I ever saw his face. He's certainly got his own inimitable style. This of course got me thinking about the ...

Tags: hollywood, olympics, ron jeremy

Nobody Should Put Baby On The Cover

Rumor has it that photos of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's twins may have been purchased for as much as $11 million. Given that this is not the first time magazines have paid such high prices, I'm inclined to believe they do so because celebrity baby pictures actually sell magazines. WHY?????? I get that my interest in all things baby is not on par with the average person's but for the life of me I can not understand what is so fascinating about pictures of someone else's newborns. They all pretty much look the same to me. I would understand the curiosity if the babies had cleft palates or cone heads-- you know, something a little out of the ordinary. But we're ...

Tags: angelina jolie, brad pitt, magazine, twins

15 Minutes In Hollywood

2:30 am- A man crossing Hollywood Boulevard pulls a role reversal when he stops midway and signals for a cop car to complete its right turn. The cops motion for him to finish crossing but he continues signaling forcefully for them to turn. They go back and forth like this a few times until the cops decide that instead of making their right turn, they'd prefer to have a little chat with this obviously intoxicated pedestrian. I avoid any sudden movements in their vicinity. 2:37 am- I enter 7-11 and pour myself a cappuccino but the cup doesn't fit under the nozzle so when I pull the filled cup out, some scalding liquid drips on my hand. It's just hot enough ...

Tags: 7-11, hollywood, trannies

Night Tremors

My psychic powers are at work again. Last night I had a very vivid dream in which a friend of mine was flabbergasted that I hadn't felt a powerful earthquake that had just occurred. It's been years since I've experienced an earthquake, which is why I thought the dream was odd but we just had a fairly strong one a couple minutes ago. It was one of the longest earthquakes I've ever felt- I had plenty of time to debate whether I should get out of bed and throw some clothes on. Laziness won out over personal safety. The batteries in my remote are dead so of course that means I can't turn on the tv to find out the ...

Shark Week!

It's that glorious time of year known as Shark Week on the Discovery channel. I missed the premiere episode so I went to their website to find out if the videos are available online. They're not but I did stumble upon their "Shark Yourself" feature and of course I had to waste my time playing with it. I like the first one better- I really think some shark teeth covered in bling bling is the right look for me. As for the second photo, it's the closest anybody will ever come to seeing me eat fish without gagging. ...

Google Loves Me Again

A couple months ago I noticed that my visitor stats had gone way down and I was no longer getting any referrals from Google. Even for a term like "Jenee" for which I've always been the #1 result, I didn't show up at all. Through some searching I learned that this happens with sites that Google deems to be spam sites and I couldn't understand why mine would be flagged as such. I thought maybe I'd used one-too-many "fucks" or "cunts" so I put in a request for reconsideration. Then while fixing some code with my theme I discovered by accident that there was a ton of spam-like hidden links contained within my index file that bulked up my homepage to ...

Free At Last, Free At Last, Fuck You Vaseline, I’m Free At Last!

One of my earliest blog posts was about the lip balm addiction I've suffered from for more than a decade. Over the years I've made the occasional attempts to quit using and, though I usually didn't last for more than a couple hours, sometimes I managed to get through the day but as soon as I put my head on my pillow I realized sleep would be impossible without dipping into my giant jar of Vaseline that sits on my nightstand right next to my salt shaker (that's a whole 'nother addiction). I hit rock bottom many times. I would get into my car and fret over my naked lips so I'd grab the emergency Chapstick ...

My Hand, My Wishes

On Monday's finale of The Bachelorette, a big deal was made over her suitors asking for her father's permission to propose to her, an archaic tradition I can't believe is still practiced. It made sense back in olden days when a marriage meant the loss of a good farmhand or butter churner but in today's age of food processors and women living on their own for a good while before marrying, it's rather insulting to the woman. Asking for the father's permission suggests that the father has control over his daughter's life and subsequently, the husband will be in control. Fuck that. I don't want anybody thinking he's the boss of me and ...

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