Maybe Jason is reconsidering his third choice, Jillian.

Of course I have to comment on the “most dramatic finale ever” of The Bachelor. Just to recap what I’ve written about recent seasons of The Bachelor/ette: first we had Brad Womack, the tool who told the final two contestants that he could see each of them as his wife then he proceeded to dump both of them in the end. So then reject Deanna Pappas got her “second shot at love” and her final two choices were crazy snowboarder Jesse and divorced father Jason. She chose Jesse but not before letting Jason get down on his knees to propose to her. Then this season, reject Jason Resnick was picked to be The Bachelor and get his “second third shot at love.”

I didn’t like the selection from the beginning. The Bachelor is supposed be a sort of fantasy guy and Jason’s just average in every way. But that didn’t stop 25 women from wanting to be the stepmother of his child before they ever met him. I’d love to see them attempt to do The Bachelorette with a single mother. It would last all of one episode as the guys would all hightail it out of there the second they heard about her bundle of joy.

I had long expected his final choices would be Jillian and Melissa so I was a little surprised when he dumped Jillian for Molly but I was still certain he’d pick Melissa in the end. So it was Melissa and Molly who got to meet his son Ty and his family who drilled both women about the heartache Jason’s been through and whether or not they would put him through that again. ‘Cuz Jason’s such an “amazing” (Jason must have uttered that word 1000 times this season) guy. But then (gasp!) Deanna shows up at Jason’s door because she just happened to be in the neighborhood of New Zealand where filming was taking place. The moment responsible for the show’s resurgence in ratings had finally arrived! And it ended with a quick plunk. Deanna said she’d made a mistake choosing Jesse and she should have chosen Jason instead. Jason essentially responded with, “Thanks for coming, put me down for two of whatever you’re selling and get out of here before little Ty sees you and gets even more confused about who his new Mommy is going to be.”

At the final rose ceremony, a tortured Jason chose Melissa, once again getting down on one knee but this time without being told to get back up again. He swung Melissa in his arms as they kissed and shouted their love for each other then the two of them, along with Ty, jumped with their fancy clothes on into an eternity pool. Unfortunately, an inflatable wading pool (with a tear in it) would have been a better symbol of their relationship to come.

In the “dramatic” After the Rose special, Jason said he’d given it a go with Melissa (for all of about a month) but decided he was really in love with Molly. Even better, he hadn’t officially dumped Melissa yet because heaven forbid he should do anything in his love life without the cameras rolling. So he broke up with Melissa (who constantly reminded us throughout the season how she’s always the dumpee) during the taping.

The most painful part of the episode was watching Melissa return the ring. I was fairly certain there weren’t any women on the closed set because if there were, I’m sure we would have heard at least one yell, “NOOOOO!!!!” Poor Melissa apparently doesn’t know the rule about engagement rings: if the girl breaks the guy’s heart, she returns the ring. If the guy is a douchebag like Jason, she sells the ring and uses the money for plastic surgery so she can find a new man (and from what I’ve heard, that was a $65,000 ring, which could keep her swimming in Restylane injections and breast implants for a long time).

Two minutes after dumping his fiancee, Jason asked Molly for another shot and she said yes and they slobbered all over each other, presumably with Melissa’s down payment for a house ring still in his pocket.

Look, I have no problem with Jason deciding Melissa wasn’t the one and wanting another chance with Molly. It’s the fact that he did it all on tv when it was completely unnecessary to do so that was just completely classless. And he seemed oblivious about how selfish his behavior was, saying that he had to follow his heart. Sure, when it’s Jason whose feelings get stomped upon, he spends six months on television telling the world he deserves better but the first chance he gets he breaks a girl’s heart and humiliates her in front of the whole nation.

I’m not surprised that third place finisher Jillian was anounced as the next Bachelorette but the way these rejects are going the second time around, I won’t be surprised if she ends up choosing married host Chris Harrison to be her guy.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2009. |
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Asking for the father’s permission suggests that the father has control over his daughter’s life and subsequently, the husband will be in control. Fuck that. I don’t want anybody thinking he’s the boss of me and I have no interest in a henpecked little man who thinks he needs to ask permission for anything. Asking for the father’s permission also makes him the boss of his future son-in-law, as exemplified on the finale when Sean Penn’s request was followed by the father’s order that he cut his hair. While I agree that he’d look better with shorter hair, I don’t want my dad thinking he can give style orders to somebody I’ll be appearing in public with.

It’s one thing for a guy to tell the parents (not just the father, you misogynistic bastards), “I’m going to ask your daughter to be my wife and I hope you’re okay with that… but if you’re not, tough shit.” But asking for permission is ridiculous because what if the parents say no? Would the guy back off from the woman he loves? Of course not, which makes it an empty courtesy. Granted, it would never go down like that in my household because if I ever brought a guy home to my parents it would be my dad who would beg the guy to marry me before I could even make the introductions.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. |
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Lost- Four seasons and it’s as strong as ever. I made nine predictions about the finale and I was thrilled to get eight of them correct. Ok, they weren’t exactly tough (Sawyer calls somebody by a nickname, Jack barks orders at someone, Kate gets rescued by either Sawyer or Jack, Hurley drips sweat, Sayid repairs something, Desmond says “brother,” Aaron cries, Michael dies and the one I missed, Locke rubs his head) but it always fun to guess anything correctly with this show. Actually, some earlier predictions of mine also came to fruition, namely that Locke was in the casket and that Penny would rescue the O6 (though, I thought Desmond would die minutes before that happened), so it wasn’t the sort of shocking season finale I’ve become accustomed to with Lost. But I’m glad to see the future of the show will apparently include Ben because he seriously rocks.

The Bachelor- I thought this guy was the best bachelor ever. He was a real-life Mr. Big- a tall, gorgeous, international financier. Seriously dreamy. But, not surprisingly, he chose the blonde sex kitten (who happens to be Lorenzo Lamas’ daughter) over the funny chick. I thought blondie was all right but I would have thought their hometown date with her mother would have scared him. It was a frightening glimpse into what she was going to look like in 25 years, that is, unless the surgeon who mutilated her mother’s face is put behind bars as he should be. Even though I don’t think he made the right choice, I do think these two will get married. But I also think they’ll get divorced soon after popping out a couple of freakishly beautiful children.

Survivor- I love it when a show can bring one of its best seasons ever in its 16th season. And Survivor succeeded in doing this, at least for the second half of the game. Watching all these boys stumble over their erect penises was awesome. And Erik… OH. MY. GOD. Earlier in the season I thought he was destined to be one of those quickly forgotten players, remembered only as “the dude with the awful Leif Garrett hairdo.” Little did I know. As much as I love a good blindside, I have to admit that watching the ladies devour him the way they did was actually painful for me. I didn’t enjoy it nearly as much as I would have with a guy who wasn’t so damn nice. But it frightens me that people as dumb as Erik are allowed to move freely about this country and even worse, vote. I thought Cirie played a great game her first time around and an even better one this time so she was my favorite to win but I think Parvati played the second-best game so I was happy to see her rewarded over Amanda “The Doe-Eyed Choker.”

American Idol- The finale answered the burning question: who is the worst dancer in the world, David Archuleta or Brooke White (answer: Brooke White by a mile-long moonwalk).The fact that David Cook won over the heavy favorite David Archuleta has restored a little bit of my faith in America’s taste (or maybe it just confirmed America’s sheep-like mentality when it comes to Simon Cowell, who made no secret about his desire for Cook to win). Don’t get me wrong, little David is a great singer and he’s unbelievably adorable. In fact, I want two David Archuleta dolls, one at his current size, the one where I pull the string when I’m feeling down and he says, “Aw, shucks. Life is just so wonderful,” which is the one I would have been all googly over at age 12. I’d also like the full size David A. doll, aged by about 20 years because I know it would look seriously hot on my bed. But I’m pleased with David Cook’s win because he’s only the second contestant (after Chris Daughtry) and the first winner ever whose music I would actually seek out. And first on the list will be his covers of “Hello” and “Billie Jean” which I thought were incredible.

The Hills- A few months ago I joked that a guy was too young for me if he’d ever watched The Hills. I honestly didn’t even know what The Hills was, just that it was on MTV. Then while I was traveling I read a bunch of magazines and every other page seemed to mention somebody from the show. Even John McCain said he never missed an episode and that Heidi was a great “actress.” It got to the point that I had to know if I was on Team Lauren or Team Speidi. Thanks to the raping this tv season took due to the writers’ strike, I had some room in my viewing schedule to check it out. Holy shit it’s addicting, mostly because it’s supposed to be a reality show but every scene is so obviously staged that it’s a complete train wreck. Basically, it’s a female version of Entourage except the stories primarily focus on a group of girls who repeatedly return to some pathetic excuses for men. It’s worth tuning in just to find out what a Justin Bobby is. But there’s also Spencer Pratt. What a piece of work this one is. He is the epitome of lameness and the saddest part is that because he’s good looking and on television, he’ll always be able to get laid despite his lameness. So whose team am I on? I’d probably be on Team Heidi if she showed enough sense to drop that fool Spencer. Lauren’s all right but she needs to learn how to let go of a grudge, particularly over something as insignificant as a little rumor. Whitney seems like a nice girl, though someone needs to teach her that words that end with a “g” END with a “g” and not with a “guh” (like “bringuh” or “thinguh”). Yeah, it’s nitpicky but it kinda bugs me. Audrina is just plain vapid so that leaves me on Team Lo, the girl who shoots her mouth off without really thinking. She sort of reminds me of somebody…

(Oh, and if you’re planning on voting for McCain, watch The Hills and tell me if a guy who claims to never miss an episode is someone you want to have access to the red button).

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2008. |
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Tonight I watched the season finale of The Bachelor, the show that loves to promise “The most dramatic [rose ceremony] [finale] [commercial break] ever!” and rarely delivers. But this time they got me when the bachelor ended up ditching BOTH women in the end. Frankly, I thought it should have been the other way around. The guy is good looking with a killer body and a fat wallet but he has less personality than a booger. And that monotone voice of his would put me in a coma on the first date. In fact, the last few bachelors have been disappointing and when they’re the best a team of casting directors scouring the nation can find, what hope do I have?

I’ve always thought there was something screwed up about the guys who proposed in the end considering they were macking on other chicks just a couple nights before. But there’s something even more screwed up about a guy that declares a woman has every quality he could possibly want in a wife then he dumps her. Perhaps DeAnna just didn’t have that elusive je ne sais penis that so many men are looking for these days.

Luckily I watched the episode in time to learn that a follow-up episode was airing tonight, which I caught as well. Clearly the two women have completely given up as they both appeared in shapeless sack dresses. That’s not the way to rub a guy’s nose in the fact that he screwed up. The way you rub someone’s nose in something is to utter a phrase like host Chris Harrison did when he said to Jenni, “You took a huge leap of faith when you said you loved him and he rejected you” to which she responded matter-of-factly, “Yeah, I know that.” It could only have been better if she’d said, “No duh, you prick.”

I will give bachelor Brad a little credit for being brave enough to appear before an audience full of angry women and it took real balls for him to proclaim that he was as hurt as anybody by what happened. He should probably thank the top notch security at ABC studios that he didn’t end up with a shiv in his throat or a compact to the noggin after that comment. I wonder if you have to go to Mexico to get that kind of clueless pill or if Jessica Simpson has her signature line available on QVC?

In the end, two great girls were left miserable by a lousy dude. Twenty bucks says he’ll be the one to fall in love first.

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2007. |
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I don’t watch it because I give a damn about two people falling in love. I watch it because I get a sick kick out of seeing four or five people fall in love- all with the same person (and often, they’re halfway to love before they’ve even met him).

The whole show is a testament to how phony people are. They plop a dozen or so women who all instantly have the hots for the same guy into one house. Then the ladies pretend to be happy when someone else receives an individual date box while they get stuck on a group date. After the dates they ask the girl if she smooched with the guy because nothing helps you get a good night’s sleep like hearing about another woman swapping spit with the man you think you love. I suspect the producers don’t allow knives in the house.

The early seasons of the show featured fairly regular guys who seemed like good catches. Then they started bringing in the fantasy types: the heir to the Firestone tire fortune, a professional football player, an actor and now a prince. Yes, a real live prince. His name is Prince Lorenzo Borghese. Some pope in his family tree bestowed the clan with titles (good to know the Vatican’s history of solid family values is steeped in nepotism). Despite his Italian heritage, he was raised in America and managed to avoid the freakish looks that many intermarried royal family members often suffer from.

The fact that he’s a prince has brought a new facet to this season. It used to be that the women rattled on about what a great guy the bachelor was. This time, we’ve witnessed the girls gush about him being a prince and what it would be like for them to be a princess. What do they think it would be like? That they would oversee huge balls sitting on a velvet throne wearing a crown and bustle skirt? I imagine that being the princess for a non-existant monarchy is exactly like not being a princess- except with the word “princess” in front of your name. Princess Jenée. There, that’s the whole experience. This bunch doesn’t seem to realize the fact that he’s a prince isn’t what makes him special, it’s the fact that he’s loaded and hot that does. Let’s get our priorities in order.

While the stature of the bachelor has increased over the years, the quality of the women has waned a bit. They used to bring in a nice variety of women with good personalities and legit careers like lawyers or doctors. Now they bring in mostly cookie-cutter types whose vague career titles like “teacher” or “sales representative” often mean “actress.” Not that a lawyer is any better than an actress just that the actresses all seem so generic.

A little sampling of this season’s offerings:

The Token Black Chick-- Every season has one. She never lasts long but she always makes the first cut, presumably because the guy doesn’t want to seem racist. When are we going to get a black bachelor with mostly black women vying for his attention? Twelve black women living together and competing for one man would be sheer entertainment.

The Crazy Blonde Chick- Her Austin Powers-like “Hey baby” was a little weird

but otherwise she was my favorite. Unfortunately, she had a fun personality and a tolerable voice tone so I knew she wouldn’t go to the end (and of course she was booted last week). The women who last long always speak in the Trista-patented baby voice- at least in the presence of the bachelor. Away from him they sound like they’re one pack away from an iron lung. The fact that grown women speaking like little girls is apparently appealing to men is yet another indication that I do not understand men at all.

The Socialite- Like Kellie Pickler on American Idol, I have a tough time believing this chick is for real. She is such a self-centered, conceited snob that she makes Paris Hilton seem like America’s sweetheart. On the evening she met Lorenzo, she declared, “I even flew coach to come here and I’ve never done that before.” Then the first day in the house she complained to the host because she had to share a room and because the gorgeous residence didn’t have a (gasp!) maid. I should clarify: she wasn’t simply complaining, she was looking to have the situation rectified. She wore a tiara(!) on her dates, used terms like “commoners” to refer to the other girls and said that she’s the only one qualified to be with someone of his stature. No giggle or wink afterward- she was dead serious. Despite making this lovely side of herself abundantly clear to the bachelor (and the fact that she was probably the least attractive of the bunch), he still kept her around for several cuts. Correction: the producers kept her around for several cuts. And beyond. For some bizarre reason, they had her return to the show the next episode to decide who should get a solo date. Then they brought her back the following episode to give her opinions on the final three. It’s rather amusing to witness how a show as trashy as this manages to stoop even lower.

The Under The Radar Girl- The most distinguishing trait to this girl is her nutjob father.

On their hometown date, her father took Lorenzo aside, cocked his rifle and said, “This is what I’d do to any guy who laid a hand on my daughter.” When you have a father like that, perhaps it’s best to postpone the family meeting until after the guy has experienced your world-class blow job capabilities. You know, secure your position with him first. Besides the girl’s father, I couldn’t tell you anything else interesting about her. That means she’ll probably be the chosen one.

The “I’m saving myself for marriage” girl- Speaking of hummers… this is the second time we’ve observed this rare specimen. On both occasions, the virgins felt obligated to share this fact with the bachelors early. Ironically, the disclosure sounded much like the way someone would reveal having an STD. And both times the girls gushed over their assumption that the bachelors didn’t seem to mind, oblivious to the fact that, unlike them, the bachelors knew when to keep their mouths shut. I can’t believe this girl still exists and I really don’t understand why she does. Fifty years ago when birth control was a crap shoot it made sense to wait for marriage. Now it just seems silly to tell a guy he can stick his shlong in one orifice but not another without a marriage license. If there’s one thing we could ever learn from Jessica Simpson it’s that saving yourself for marriage doesn’t guarantee longevity (and once you’ve given it up and the marriage dissolves, does that mean you can start whoring yourself around like a proper woman)?

The “I didn’t come here to make friends” girl- Every season has her too.

She’s usually the first one the bachelor shows any interest in, often through the “first impression rose.” Naturally, the other girls all hate her immediately. Without fail, by the fourth episode she utters her namesake line. Once she does, her days are numbered. The bachelor always try to reassure her that he doesn’t care what the other women think of her but inside he’s thinking, “Perhaps the reason everybody else says she’s a bitch is because she is one.”

This season’s “I didn’t come here to make friends” girl is a real doozy. She’s 25 with a very strict plan: she wants kids before 30, which means she has to be married by 27, which means she has to be engaged by 26. The preview for this past episode showed Princiepoo visiting her at home where for some reason wedding books were strewn about and she made an appearance in a wedding gown. The puzzle-lover in me racked my brain trying to figure out how they could possibly arrive at that scenario. I wondered if it was the old “Oops- I spilled wine on my outfit. Let me slip into something more matrimonial” routine? Or if she had to dig out of the date early to fulfill her obligations as understudy in the local production of “Muriel’s Wedding?” Nope. Turned out her friend showed up with wedding dress in hand and declared (in front of him): “I heard you made it to the final four and might need this.” And the girl proceeded to try it on. Apparently, they decided to forego the psychological evaluations prior to this season.

In case Lorenzo had any question as to whether or not the wedding dress was an isolated incident, the friend informed him of the girl’s 5-year plan. Then later at dinner with the family, the dad asked if he’d seen all her wedding books. Clearly there was a theme to the date. After dinner, the girl and her father went to another room for a brief chat leaving the mother and Lorenzo alone. Had Mom pulled a Mrs. Robinsonesque seduction it would have been awkward. But in this family, awkward is a higher level to which they could only aspire. The mom mentioned that she’s a pilates instructor and started putting him through rigorous moves. This was after dinner and wine while he was nicely dressed. The daughter returned to witness the scene and commented on how embarassing it was that her mom did that. I wanted to yell at her, “You modelled a WEDDING DRESS on your second date and think pilates is embarassing????”

A girl modeling a wedding dress on a second date, a father cocking his rifle, the existence of a twenty-something virgin and the only person in the world who uses the term “commoners.” Where else can you witness all this in one place but on the delightfully trashy The Bachelor. I love it!

© Jenée for Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots, 2006. |
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