United in Dryness
I’m sure a lot of people have been anxiously awaiting an update on my progress with kicking my lip balm addiction. Since freeing myself from Vaseline’s clutches over two months ago, I’ve had two nights when I needed a little comfort slather but other than that I’ve been sleeping lip balm free.
What really irks me is the lack of enthusiasm I detect from people when I tell them about my accomplishment. When an alcoholic says he hasn’t had a drink in two months, people are popping champagne and buying drinks all around. But when I mention that my decades-long battle with lip balm has come to an end they just say, “What the fuck is a lip balm addiction? And why did you stop me on the street to tell me about it?”
It made me realize that it’s time to bring this disease (yes, it’s a disease; because I say so) to the forefront. We need to show sympathy to the one billion* Americans who may not even be aware they suffer from this and could unknowingly be spreading it through oral contact. So I have started a non-profit organization called United in Dryness to call attention to this matter.
This isn’t an organization of idle talk, it’s one of action. I’ve arranged to have kiosks set up in all CVS stores where people can safely turn in their lip balms, no questions asked (except Carmex- just throw that shit in the trash). The kiosks are shaped like little red baskets usually located near the front of the store, though occasionally representatives will be walking around carrying them. Feel free to drop all your old lip balm products right into the rep’s basket. This will ensure that lip balm is out of the hands of kids. At least, it will be out of the hands of kids who don’t go to CVS.
I’ll also be going around to junior high schools speaking to teenagers about how to avoid the temptations of lip balm and I’ll espouse the virtues of living a Chapstick-free life. A court order prevents me from actually going on campuses so I’ll just be hanging out in the parking lots giving away pamphlets and free cigarettes to anybody who wants to be enlightened about this serious addiction.
And of course I’ve created the obligatory pin representing our cause as featured in the photo above. The lips represent lips and the heart represents a heart (I like to keep my symbols pretty straightforward). I strongly encourage all Americans to wear these pins to show your support. Sure, those little pink breast cancer ribbons are lovely but let’s face it, we’re never coming up with a cure and you’re only wasting valuable lapel space by wearing one.
United in Dryness: throw away the lube and lick those lips instead.
*Data provided by the same pollsters who predicted the outcomes of the Democratic caucuses so actual numbers may vary by +/- 100%.
Free At Last, Free At Last, Fuck You Vaseline, I’m Free At Last!
One of my earliest blog posts was about the lip balm addiction I’ve suffered from for more than a decade. Over the years I’ve made the occasional attempts to quit using and, though I usually didn’t last for more than a couple hours, sometimes I managed to get through the day but as soon as I put my head on my pillow I realized sleep would be impossible without dipping into my giant jar of Vaseline that sits on my nightstand right next to my salt shaker (that’s a whole ‘nother addiction).
I hit rock bottom many times. I would get into my car and fret over my naked lips so I’d grab the emergency Chapstick I keep in my console (along with some salt packets) and desperately swirl my finger around the tube that’s been empty ever since it was stored in the car I had two before this one. I would have to scrape what residue I could get out of it from underneath my fingernails then I’d rub it across my lips knowing deep down that all I was really applying was some greasy finger oil. Then I’d cry out, “Why? Why? Why must this gooey goodness have this control over my life?”
Then last week something amazing happened: I realized that a good 16 hours had passed without a slathering and I wasn’t experiencing the usual withdrawal symptoms. I decided to see how long I could go without it and I actually made it through the night! For three days straight, I applied absolutely nothing to my lips, a feat I haven’t accomplished since I was back in a training bra. Over the last five days, I’ve had to wear lipstick on a couple occasions and apply SPF 15 sunscreen to my lips while in the sun but I swear that isn’t the reason I’m laying out 14 hours a day.
I realize I have a tough road ahead of me, one that involves the annoying habit of licking my lips every couple seconds. And I fear that first incident when someone pulls out a tube of lip balm and offers it to me. Will I be able to say no? Is there some kind of LBAA (Lip Balm Addicts Anonymous) keychain to help me garner the sympathetic congratulations to which I’m entitled? Most importantly, is this something I should write to the Vatican about? The sudden disappearance of this addiction is a miracle in itself but if a day ever comes that I utter the phrase, “This is too salty,” it will surely make a believer out of me.
