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Survivor: Faith Island

There’s a bit of a brouhaha right now over the fact that the next edition of Survivor will feature four tribes of people divided by their ethnicities. I sort of liked the idea at first until I saw a picture of the contestants and discovered that even when Surivor ups the number of minorities, they still can’t provide their faithful viewers with a hot Latino man. Seriously- how hard is it to find a sexy Hispanic man who can leave his job for 39 days? After 12 seasons, they owe us. They did however select a white dude I’m almost positive used to star in a sitcom and has appeared on a lot of shows. It used to be that the actors complained that the reality stars were taking their jobs but I guess it’s now the other way around.

Anyway, they’ve done separations based on age and gender and now race. I’m really hoping the spring edition will be based on religion. They can have the Catholics, Jews, Muslims and Agnostics/Atheists. How fun would that be? Here’s the way I see it going down:

Jeff Probst: Do you want to see what you’re playing for in today’s reward challenge?

Everybody: YEAH!!!!

Jeff Probst: A bottle of wine and an extra large pepperoni pizza! Worth playing for?

Jews: Uh, no Jeff. You know that we can only eat animals with split hooves who chew their cud. We can’t disregard such a logical rule, even though we haven’t eaten a morsel in six days. Oy.

Muslims: Ditto. But without the oy.

Catholics: FUCK! We all gave up dairy and alcohol for Lent. Figured it would be easy while we’re here.

Agnostics/Atheists: Throw in another bottle of wine and there’s a blow job in it for you, Jeff.

And with that, the Agnostics/Atheists win their first challenge by default and enjoy a hearty meal. On to the immunity challenge:

Agnostics/Atheists: Where’s everybody else?

Jeff Probst: The Jews couldn’t participate because it’s the Sabbath, the Muslims had to pray and the Catholics refused to come in protest of the fact that we provide condoms to all the players in the hopes of getting better ratings. So you guys win immunity.

Agnostics/Atheists: Woohoo! Thanks, Jeff. We’re gonna go back and have an orgy so you can get those better ratings.

Due to their forfeitures, one member of each of the other tribes is voted out. Rinse and repeat.

With six players already gone, the tribes must merge early. The A/A’s merge with five members while the other tribes enter with three each. The Catholics tell the Muslims and Jews they all need to work together to vote out the A/A’s, but the Muslims refuse to align with the Jews and the Jews resent the Catholics for telling them what to do. So they each vote for different people and the A/A’s use their five votes to take out an overzealous Palestinian Muslim with an ever-growing rock collection.

Then Elijah, the Jewish lawyer from Brooklyn, decides they need to align with the heretics. So he approaches the A/A’s:

Elijah: I think we should work together. You know, we’re not so different- you don’t believe in Jesus… we don’t believe in Jesus…

The A/A’s take the deal to work with the Jews to get rid of the Muslims and Catholics. The A/A’s also take a deal with the Catholics to get rid of the Jews and Muslims. Nobody makes any deals with the Muslims because America does not negotiate with um… people who pray five times a day because it’s hard to get a real conversation going before it’s time for the next prayers (what did you think I was going to say)?

The Catholics and Jews- forced to abide by the Ten Commandments- stick to their deals while the A/A’s- who didn’t even have their fingers crossed- promptly proceed to vote out the Catholics and Jews.

Now it’s five A/A’s and two Muslims. The A/A’s each assume their best chance in the final two is against a Muslim. So the A/A’s start picking each other off while the two Muslims continue to vote for Jews who are no longer in the game. The A/A’s plan is ruined in the final three when the one remaining Muslim goes to pray during tribal council and accidentally falls into the fire pit.

Two A/A’s go on to the final two and it’s the jury’s turn to make comments and, to the surprise of everyone, the Jews, Muslims and Catholics finally come together to make a joint statement:

Jews, Catholics, Muslims: We, God’s children, hope you both burn in hell. God Bless. Praise Allah. Shalom.

In the end, an A/A wins the loot and we all learn an important lesson: He who liveth by the least amount of laughable rules laugheth last.

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