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She Bangs…But Won’t Be Banging Him

It’s taken me a few days to post this because there’s a lot that I’ve had to process and come to terms with. After John-John and before Clooney-pie, my celeb crushes were Antonio Sabato Jr. and Ricky Martin, who are probably the two most beautiful male specimens to ever walk this planet.

Antonio is so stunning that, as a friend can attest, I swerved my car and almost caused an accident the first time I saw his Calvin Klein underwear billboard on Sunset. That’s some powerful art. Then I saw him at a party and there’s a slight chance that I may have ever-so-gently brushed up against him as I passed. But I swear it was not intentional, I simply miscalculated the four feet of open space that surrounded him.

As for Ricky, I made my lust for him known in a comedy newsgroup, which is what began my rivalry with Suzy Soro, who also laid claim to him (as if SHE had a chance with him. Hmmph). Naturally, this elicited a considerable amount of ridicule from our comedy brethren about Ricky’s sexuality.

I figured the boys were just jealous. So what if Ricky has never been photographed in public with a girl on his arm? That just means he respects a woman’s privacy. And so what if pictures were published of him working out on a beach with a male buddy? Can’t two gorgeous, muscled men in banana hammocks help each other stretch without it being considered homosexual? I mean, geez, look at these pictures- how could anybody possibly think he looks gay?

I even tried to use Ricky’s purported homosexuality against the religious folks, saying that if there really was a God, He would ensure that such a magnificent creature would propagate, so either he’s straight or there’s no God.

I hadn’t taken artificial means into consideration.

This week came word that he impregnated a woman with a turkey baster and she’s just given birth to his twin sons, following in the footsteps of Clay “I’m not gay (but I soooooo am)” Aiken. As much as it pains me to say it, I finally have to admit that Ricky Martin is…wow, this is tough for me to write- give me a moment for the tears to subside…Ricky Martin is…a butt pirate. A salami biter. A friend of Dorothy. Light in the loafers. He’s as queer as a 3 dollar rim job from Richard Simmons.

Ricky Martin is gay.

Ok, I said it. And I don’t feel any better about it. This confirmation has really thrown my brain into a tizzy. Not only do I have to accept that my Ricky is gay and that I’ve exhibited George Dubya levels of denial, but I also have to acknowledge that, based on my own argument, this information means there might be a God. And if there is, it means God is a misogynist. Ron Jeremy is straight but Ricky Martin is gay? If that’s not the work of a woman hater, I don’t know what is.

God may be a Tom Leykis fan and Ricky Martin may be gay, but he’ll always be straight in my fantasies- even when Antonio Sabato Jr. is right beside him.

Tags: antonio sabato jr., ricky martin, ron jeremy

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