Comedian Jenée: People are Idiots

Professional Bums

When I exited the bank today, I was greeted with the all-too-familiar, “Spare some change?” Somewhere along the way, some genius decided it would be nicer to call these solicitors “homeless” instead of “bums.” I think I did that for awhile until a friend of mine told me that one of the “homeless” guys who works the corner of Highland and Franklin lives in his building. So now, unless I get some proof of residency (or lack thereof), I once again refer to them with less politically correct but more accurate terms like “bums” or “beggars.”

I responded to today’s bum with my usual, “No,” just as another passerby handed him a dollar. A dollar! He didn’t even ask the vagrant why he wanted the money, he just gave it to him. My own parents wouldn’t hand me a dollar no-questions-asked. I decided I should try to tap into this easy source of income.

I asked the guy, “Can I have a buck?”

He glanced at my nice clean clothes and uttered a stunned, “What?”

I responded, “Well, if you’re just handing out money to random people, I’d like some.”

“I give money to people who need it,” he replied.

“How do you know I don’t have a substance abuse problem that needs support?” I said.

He mumbled something like, “You try to do something nice…” and walked away.

I know my actions were antagonistic, but I didn’t want this fool departing the scene with the misinformed idea he’d done something good, because he hadn’t. People asking for money on the street rarely NEED money. (The exception, of course, is a team on The Amazing Race that survived a non-elimination round, only to be stripped of all their cash). For what does the average beggar need money? Food is ridiculously plentiful and accessible in this country and I seriously doubt your average freeloader’s a couple bucks short to purchase meds for his sick child.

I’m not unsympathetic to the needy. When I’ve seen beggars with children or dogs, I’ve purchased diapers, formula and dog food. I’m happy to help those who can’t help themselves. And I regularly give out fresh untouched food to people on the streets, even going so far as to drive around until I find somebody.

But after several recent incidents, I’m having doubts about whether I should even be doing this. The first was when a guy refused a great Caesar salad with large shreds of parmesan (which could easily be removed) saying that he was lactose intolerant. “But I could use some change,” he said. The second was when another guy turned down my offer of a Chinese chicken salad saying, “I can’t eat Oriental food. Got any money?” As if there’s some universal substance contained in all dishes with the word “Chinese” in their name. The last, and most annoying, incident was when I approached the Highland gang and offered up some sandwiches. I couldn’t help but notice the aroma of Mary Jane wafting through the air (naturally they accepted the food items). But I wondered how they acquired the pot? It’s possible some Good Samaritan said, “I don’t have any spare change, here’s a joint instead,” and the bums said, “Thanks, Mr. Busey,” but it’s unlikely.

It occurred to me that every time I give them a meal, they can use the money others have given them to buy their drugs and alcohol. By freeing up a couple bucks they might have spent on food, maybe I’m indirectly supporting their substance abuse problems.

Why do people give bums money? Apparently, a lot of nitwits do because a couple years ago there were two people working the corner, now there’s about eight. One or two at a time walk up and down the street pleading for cash while the others stand off to the side like they’re waiting to punch in for their shift. They’re multiplying at such a rapid rate I wonder if they write back home to their friends saying, “You should move out to LA, I’ve got a great gig lined up for you. Don’t worry about airfare- I’ll buy your ticket and you can stay in my condo.”

Sooner or later, some innovative talent agent will realize the profit potential and start sending his clients out for this work. “I’ve got an acting job that will get you plenty of exposure in Hollywood. Do you mind looking a little dirty for the part? No? Great. Be at the corner of Highland and Franklin at 8 a.m. sharp. And don’t forget my 10%.”

I probably won’t stop handing out meals to people on the street, simply because I can’t stand seeing good food thrown away. But I will make a bigger effort to bring my offerings to the wheelchair-bound guy a mile away rather than the young pretty girl on the corner. I can only hope that others come to their senses and realize that when they give beggars money, they’re not helping the problem, they’re contributing to it.