Premature Jacked Elation
I had zero interest in the Olympic games until I heard about the gold medal peformance for stupidity. This newest entry to the “Agony of Defeat” reel occurred during the women’s snowboard cross finals. It plays out like a laughably unrealistic scene from a bad movie:
The race begins with four women vying for the three medals. At least they tell us those are women tearing down the mountain at warp speed but it’s hard to tell with the baggy clothes and helmets. Actually, even without the helmets it’s kind of hard to tell if some of them are really women.
About 10 seconds into the race, one contender literally flies off the screen into no man’s land and she’s never mentioned again. Moments later another boarder suddenly bounces off the course, taking out a huge protective net and the Syrian luge team with her. Conspiracy theories abound.
Two competitors are left. American Lindsey Jacobellis is so far ahead she’s in a 
different time zone and gets a bit cocky. I’m not exactly sure what happens next, maybe she’s text messaging “GOLD4USA!!” or maybe she’s enjoying an early victory bong hit. All I know for certain is that in an instant of stupidity, she’s tumbling in powder and the band cuts short its overhasty strains of “The Star Spangled Banner.” Lindsey manages to get back up quickly- just in time to see Switzerland’s Tanja Frieden cruise by at a snail’s pace and capture the gold. Apparently it’s not speed that wins the women’s snowboard cross finals, it’s a little self control.
An unbelievable display. A lifetime of hard work and sacrifices came down to one moment of grandstanding and a silver medal (I believe a Bosnian onlooker with a piece of plywood jumped in to take the bronze).
Lindsey Jacobellis blew her big shot. She’ll now embark on the endless talk show circuit where her actions will be analyzed and criticized and memorialized. She will become a household name and a permanent footnote in Olympic history. She will be the face of the slacker snowboarder. Meanwhile, the chick from Switzerland whose name I’ve already forgotten will have the gold.
On second thought, it was quite possibly the most brilliant stunt in Olympic history.
jenee, i sure like your way of seeing things. funny. surely, u wouldnt mind this new reader and certainly hope u wont pull a fast one on me.
If you want a real olympic idiot – it’s bode miller. After losing 4 races so far, his best comeback is – “I could’ve won 4 golds”. Sure. “Hypothetically”at least.
LMAO…OMG…you should totally be a commentator at the next winter olympics! Although, I dont know if you’d have enough material for the next one, as you do right now. Cuz really…what’s up with everyone falling and crashing? How’d they make it into the olympics? If I’d have known all it took was good looks and a lack of athletic ability, then my high school P.E. class would be total viable candidates!
Hi Jenee,
This post takes the cake! Makes me wonder though: Should it still be considered an Olympic event if the winner turns out to be the one who won because all the others wiped out?
I soooooooooo wish I could have understood what the announcer was saying when that happened but my Swedish is, well, nonexistent but I know it was funny because the group I was with was laughing! I am sure she will now be part of the “agony of defeat” reel for the sports network.
You know…being an American…I tried to watch the Olympics in order to support our athletes. I really did try! But, after four days…I just couldn’t take it anymore. The majority of the athletes make me cringe with the fact that they are representing my country (there are a few exceptions…few).
However, I think what turned me off the most is that commentator who sits behind the desk and sums up all the happenings. Seriously, doesn’t he remind you of that Burger King commercial guy “Doctor Cheesy” or something like that?