Despite how I may come across in writing, I’m actually a very even-tempered person. The only times I yell are when I’m driving and when I’m playing online poker. My neighbors must think I’m in an abusive lesbian relationship due to my frequent shouts of, “YOU STUPID BITCH! HOW COULD YOU MAKE THAT CALL??!!” I do, however, show remarkable restraint in live games.

Playing poker creates a bit of conflict for me. On the one hand, stupid players are the reason I can make money at it. On the other hand, stupidity in any form bugs the crap out of me and I want an explanation for it. For the most part, I keep the chat function turned off but occasionally I turn it on and have been known to shoot off a snide comment here and there when someone’s ridiculous play gets lucky. It’s not that I’m a poor loser. Well, it’s partly that I’m a poor loser, but I’m also curious what possessed someone to make that play. Are they new? Did a mouse mistake work to their advantage? I want to know what made them think their 7/2 offsuit was worth all their chips. Unfortunately, explanations are hard to come by and I usually just get taunts which puts me somewhat on tilt and screws up my game. I hate lucky fools. Man how I wish I was one.

Besides those lucky bitches, some things that people often write that irk me:

“Good luck.”: If they really want me to have good luck, they should just fold and hand me their chips. Nobody wants their opponent to have good luck in a competition. They think saying this makes them look like a good sport but it only makes them sound like a phony.

“Nice hand.”: People rarely compliment you for the way you played a hand but they often compliment you on the cards you’re holding. Am I supposed to say “thanks” when all I did was sit in the right seat to get those cards? The fact is, monster hands may look nice but they don’t always pay well. I’d rather win a big pot with a nine high bluff than grab a couple blinds with quad aces.

“___ dude” or “___ man”: When someone says this to me, I usually respond with “___ lady” or “___ ma’am” and they always get all riled up about it. They say, “Why are you being a jerk?” and I say, “How am I being a jerk?” and they say, “By calling me a lady” (because apparently it’s extremely insulting to have someone think you’re a woman). So I tell them, “You started it by calling me man” and they say, “You’re a woman??” It’s as if they never considered that women play poker or they expect that we’ll have screen names like “ShoprGrl” or “ChickPlaya.”

“Poop” or “I’m going to poop on you”: Ok, I’ve only seen this once. And it was my friend who wrote it… over and over. I just hate it because it kept making me giggle. I really need to grow up.

And now my bad beat story from last night that I’m still steaming about: It was a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament and we were down to heads up. I had pocket 9’s and raised preflop about three times the big blind. He called. The flop was 6-8-9 with two hearts. So I flopped an extremely strong hand heads up but I couldn’t slow play it because of the flush and straight draws so I bet about the size of the pot. He raised. So I raised to put him all in, figuring if he was on a draw, he’d have to pay to catch it. He called… with 8-Q offsuit. Now, I could understand him putting in a raise to see if I was bluffing. But at the point I raised to put him all in, he should have assumed I had AT LEAST top pair, but given my preflop raise, he should have considered I had an overpair. It was a horrible, horrible call but I was pretty happy about it. The turn came Q. This gave me pause for concern because I do have such bad luck but with only two outs for him, it was looking good for me. Naturally the river was one of the two remaining queens. Unfuckingbelievable. It’s the story of my life: People do something incredibly stupid and I get screwed.