Paris’ Jailhouse Rock

I feel guilty that I haven’t shared all the information I’ve received from Paris’ PMS (Private Messaging System). Probably the juiciest news came a couple days ago:

Monday @ 1 pm: Paris ate a bowl of baked beans.

Monday @ 1:15 pm: Paris farted.

Juicy indeed. Paris’ PMS was money well-spent.

Beyond that, our favorite heirhead has been busy crying and phoning elderly newswomen. Oh, and she found God. I guess that explains that “undisclosed medical condition” she’s suffering from: she’s nuts. It’s been well-documented here that I don’t believe in God but I do believe if God does exist and he hasn’t found you in 26 years maybe it’s because he didn’t want to be found. I can’t help but picture God like Saddam Hussein, holed up in a crawl space that Paris stumbled upon in her cell, reluctantly admitting to her, “Yeah, I’m God. I left you like 10,000 clues to help you find Allah instead. I can’t believe I got so sloppy.”

Paris has also been using her jail time to film a music video, which was directed by a comedian I know, Allan Murray, and his partner Sean Haines at Omovies. I understand they are currently in negotiations to film her jailhouse stay 24/7 in the format of Big Brother. For the low low price of $199 for the remainder of her sentence, you could subscribe to a live feed and see for yourself all the goings on, such as the Head of Jailhouse competition and the Lee Baca Veto Competition. They’ve even promised if there are at least five million subscribers, there will be nightly pillow fights with the accidental removal of clothing that goes with those. Keep your fingers crossed that they’ll be successful in bringing such riveting viewing to our homes. In the meantime, check out their video- I’m sure you’ll get a chuckle.

**Warning and Disclaimer** The following video contains a melody from an actual Paris Hilton song. It will be annoying and it will get stuck in your head. By viewing this video you absolve the folks at Jenée.net and its parent company, Jenée’s Mom and Dad Inc., of all responsibility for any pain and suffering it may cause. And it will.