I spoke to my sister last night and she asked why I haven’t written about the Paris Hilton fiasco. The fact is, I’ve tried. I started to write about her going into jail, then I went to get a glass of water and when I came back she was out. So then I started a post about her being out of jail, then I sneezed and she was back in. It’s all happening too fast for a Parisite like myself to keep up. So I finally got smart and signed up for Paris’ PMS (Private Messaging System). Now, I get instant updates text messaged to my cell phone about everything Paris. For those of you who have been busy this week, here are some of the highlights of what’s transpired:

Sunday @ 9 pm: Paris attends the MTV Movie Awards where Dane Cook makes a comment that critics call the most awkward moment of the night. He says, “Paris Hilton was so offended by Sarah Silverman’s opening remarks that she checked herself into jail early.” Then the camera cuts to an unamused Paris still in her seat.

Sunday @ 11:15 pm: Cook’s comment goes from awkward to prescient when Paris actually does check in early… at the Men’s Central Jail. Across the nation, money exchanges hands to the satisfied delight of the “dude looks like a lady” betting contingent. National law enforcement officers discuss other ways to channel Sarah “The Paris Piper” Silverman’s raunchy humor to encourage more criminals to turn themselves in.

Monday @ 1 am: Paris hands all her belongings to the “valet” and asks the desk clerk for a West-facing room, eggs benedict for breakfast and a 2 pm spa appointment.

Booking officer: This ain’t the Hilton. It’s jail. (Chuckles) You don’t know how many times I’ve said that.
Paris: (Laughing) We can all drop the facade now (but she pronounces it “fuckaid”). The arrest, the trial and everything else was staged for the next season of my show “The Simple Life.”
Booking officer: If a little fantasy makes this easier for you, have at it. But the closest you’ll get to a spa treatment is when we strip search you.
Paris: (Wailing) WHAT?! This is really jail? Mommy!! My publicist told me none of this is real. Where’s my mommy??
Booking officer: Oh, you’ll get to meet your new mommy tomorrow on the exercise yard.

Monday @ 1:30 am: Paris is told that wakeup will be at 6 am so she decides to go to bed immediately. But the jail doesn’t provide turn down service and Paris doesn’t know how to get under the covers. She resorts to the only other method she knows: simulating sexual moves until the covers are properly disheveled. With one last cry of “Mommy!!” she closes her eyes and tries to sleep.

Monday @ 2 am: Restless, Paris calls for a guard. She says, “How am I supposed to sleep? I haven’t slept alone since I was 13. Can’t you do something to make this a little more like home, like bring in a video camera?”

Monday @ 5 am: An hour before wakeup, Paris screams. Nearby inmates immediately plot ways to kill her.

Paris: Omigod. These fucking sheets!
Guard: You like them? They’re from the Martha Stewart Incarceration Collection.
Paris: They’re 200 thread count!!! They’ve left red bumps on my delicate skin. Mommy!!
Guard: Those aren’t from the sheets. You’re having another herpes outbreak.

Monday @ 10 am: Paris speaks to her publicist by phone and fires him.

Monday @ 10:30 am: Paris’ publicist issues a statement that he and his client have parted ways but remain great friends.

Monday @ 11 am: Paris speaks to her former publicist by phone and rehires him. (Rinse and repeat five more times).

Monday @ 2 pm: Paris’ publicist makes a call to Sheriff Lee Baca. He tells Baca that if he can get his client released early, he can arrange for a ménage with the trifecta of drunk driving debutantes: Paris, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan. He says he can even throw in Britney Spears, who hasn’t been arrested (yet) for a DUI but who’s not getting any other action right now thanks to her Chris Daughtry ‘do and she’ll take anything she can get. Baca works as quickly as possible to get Paris released.

(Three days later…)

Thursday @ 3 pm: Paris is released from jail and ordered to house “arrest” in her Hollywood mansion.

Thursday @ 9 pm: At Casa de Paris, she holds her “If Paris Can’t Go To Hyde, Hyde Will Come To Paris” party. It’s the event of the season. Sheriff Baca leaves the party with a big smile on his face- and with Hillary Duff on his arm.

Friday @ 2 pm: Los Angeles Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer is furious about the deal Baca made with Paris. If anybody should have had the opportunity to catch 20 STD’s in one night, it should have been him.

Sauer: The little slut is remanded to county jail to serve the remainder of her 45-day sentence. This order is forthwith.
Paris: It’s not right! Mommmmmmmmmmy!!