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Luck Be A Nene

I’m not a lucky person- never have been. If I’ve ever won anything, it was so insignificant that I can’t even recall what it was. I’ve never won a raffle, even when the odds were heavily stacked in my favor. I’ve never hit a decent slot machine payout on the first pull. If I pick heads, it’s tails. If I shoot rock, someone else shoots paper. I’m always “miny” instead of “mo.” Publisher’s Clearinghouse doesn’t even bother to send me their annual letter. If they did, it would probably say, “You might already be a winner…oh who are we kidding?”

When I play craps, the dealer always yells, “Lady shooter coming out” and all the guys at the table bump up their bets because of the “lucky lady.” I’ll usually roll two or three numbers, just enough so that the other players have money committed all over the board, then I seven out. Everybody gives me this look of disgust as if I’d promised them millions.

A couple years ago, I was snowboarding, hit an icy patch and skidded out of control about 50 yards and was finally able to stop at the edge of a big drop (the ski resort’s protection from the plunge? A thin rope bearing bright orange flags). A skiier who witnessed my descent came over and asked if I was okay. He looked at what could have been then declared, “Looks like today’s your lucky day.” Man that sucks. On everybody else’s lucky day they happen to be in the right place at the right time to win a car or meet Mr. Perfect or land their dream job. On my lucky day, I don’t die. That doesn’t seem quite fair.

I’ve had to work for everything I’ve ever had (which, admittedly, isn’t much). No free rides for me. The closest I’ve ever come to someone handing something to me was a few years into my comedy career when a very successful Las Vegas producer saw me perform at the Laugh Factory and indicated a strong interest in building a show around me and my standup. We had several discussions about the nature of the show when he mentioned getting a tie-in with Playboy. What?? Turns out he was thinking about a topless revue (I wonder if I should have taken that as an insult toward my comedy skills). No, I didn’t take the offer but THAT’s the sort of opportunity I get handed.

The fact that I’m able to make a living at poker, a field where luck can be so helpful, is unbelievable to me. Either I’m a phenomenal player or I’m playing people who really suck. It’s poker that made me realize how truly unlucky I am. I’m amazed at how often my opponents defy huge mathematical odds to catch the one or two miracle cards that beat me. If I had to guess, I would say that when I have the dominating hand, it holds up about 50% of the time but when my opponents have the dominating hand, it holds up about 80% of the time (and I’m probably only scoring that 20% against people who are even unluckier than I am). I won’t explain how I can have those kinds of stats and still win, but if you know poker you understand. I have to work for all my wins.

I’m not complaining or feeling sorry for myself, mostly because I have this irrational belief that since I haven’t had any luck in the past, I’ll catch it in a big way in the future. Then again, with my luck, it will probably be something like herpes that I catch in a big way.

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